Toxic Secrets

by Jill Patten

  “Courtney, you are not doing anything wrong. You are just paranoid because you’ve never had a guy other than Phillip show any interest in you or find you attractive. Well, you actually have, you just never noticed.” She took a few steps closer to me then leaned against the railing on the porch. I started to protest, but she stopped me. “It’s true, Court. Everybody knew you were off-limits, so no one ever bothered giving any attempt to pursue you. What you are doing in there tonight is normal,” she said pointing to the house. “Look around and watch, you will see what I’m talking about. You are on your way to experiencing life the way it should be, not under that damn rock where Phillip kept you hidden. Phillip scrutinizing your every move for the last four years has really screwed you up.” She sat down beside me on the swing. “Nobody is judging you but yourself. Stop questioning your morals, and let’s have some fun tonight,” she smiled, wrapping her arm around my shoulders for a quick hug.

  “You know you’re the big sister I never had. I know I’ve told you that a million times, but I just want to remind you again. You always know how to get me back in check. I don’t know what I would do without you. Thank you for being my best friend and sticking with me these past few years. I know Phillip didn’t make our friendship easy,” I whispered, laying my head on her shoulder.

  “Whoa, easy on the shoulder, I seriously think you dislocated it,” she winced, rubbing her shoulder again.

  “Well, we’re not going to dwell on the past right now. What’s done is done, and I love you regardless. Now we have two hot guys waiting for us inside. C’mon, let’s head back in before they start thinking we had to take a shit.” Kendra stood up stretching her hand out to me. I took it, letting her pull me up off the swing.

  “Oh, yeah, I forgot I told Jaxon I needed a potty break,” I snorted.

  Kendra stopped before opening the door and smiled at me. “I have an idea. We should have a toast to your first real night as a single lady. I know you’ve been single for a month, but this is your first date with another guy to do whatever the hell you want.”

  Her excitement made me laugh. I think she was happier about me being single than I was. We walked back into the house, entering a whole different atmosphere compared to the serenity we left outside. It felt as if a hundred more people had shown up, draining every keg available. Kendra hooked a finger into my belt loop, trying to keep up with me as I guided us through the massive swarm of drunks. I threw my arm in the air, giving a little fist pump to the beat as we got closer to everyone dancing. I felt more relaxed and was ready to throw my insecurities out for the night.

  “Hey,” Reed said, drawing the word out like a true southerner. “Look who finally decided to join us. Did everything come out all right?” He let out a bellowing laugh.

  Kendra smacked him in the arm, and called him an asshole. She reached up, grabbing his head and putting her mouth to his ear. I assumed she was giving him an edited version of our previous conversation. Reed started shaking his head, eyes roaming from me to Jaxon, and then started to nod his head in agreement to something Kendra was saying.

  I shot a quick glance at Jaxon and quickly looked away when I saw he was staring at me. I considered glaring back at him, but he seemed comfortable enough in his skin to not let my stares intimidate him. Someone like him would probably see it as a challenge.

  Feeling slightly uncomfortable, I walked over to Kendra and Reed, nudging them. “Hey, you two lovebirds. Are we going to dance or stand here and talk all night,” I said, repeating Jaxon’s words earlier.

  “Oh, we’re dancing, then celebrating later,” she said giving me a wink. More than likely, she was planning on getting a little tipsy tonight.

  Saddling up close to me, she spoke lightly in my ear. “As for your earlier qualms about Jaxon, he’s not that type of guy. He’s not looking to score tonight. Maybe a kiss, but nothing more than that,” she laughed at my blank face and sauntered back over to Reed.

  Chapter 6 ~ A Toast to New Beginnings

  We danced a while longer before Kendra decided she needed a drink. Reed, Jaxon, and I headed out to the patio for a breath of fresh, cool air while Kendra made a detour into the kitchen. Moments later, she breezed through the door with a bottle of tequila tucked under her arm and four shot glasses threaded between her fingers. She wasn’t fooling around when she said we were celebrating and making a toast to me. I’d never taken a sip of liquor before, so, with my beginner level of throwing back shots, I knew things were going to turn interesting pretty fast. Taking charge of my festivities, she grabbed a salt shaker and placed several slices of lime on a party plate decorated with Christmas trees.

  Filling up each shot glass, she placed one in front of each of us.

  “Okay, I want everyone to lick their hand so I can sprinkle the salt on.”

  Snickering, Reed cut his eyes over at her dubiously. “I think we know how to do this, Kendra.”

  “Well, Courtney doesn’t, so kiss my ass,” she huffed, then blew him a kiss.

  We all licked our hands, and, as much as I wanted to look at Jaxon, I kept my eyes on Kendra as she sprinkled the salt.

  Kendra held up her finger. “Now, before we throw back our shots, I want each of us to give Courtney a toast to her new single life, and everybody has to say something. I’ll go first,” she ordered. “To my best friend, Courtney. May she live her life for herself, do all the things she was never allowed to do, and never, ever date another piece of shit again. Oh, and one more thing. May she find a real life book boyfriend like she’s always reading about in her romance novels,” Kendra said, giving me a wink.

  My face began to feel hot as Kendra announced my love for fictional characters. Traitor! I narrowed my eyes at her for her duplicity, but she didn’t seem to notice.

  Reed started clearing his throat before speaking, Jaxon following his cue. I thought Jaxon was going to give his toast next, but Reed began to speak first. “To the girl who has made my girlfriend the happiest I’ve seen her in this past month, and who has eaten more shit than a fly on a cow patty. May you one day get the happily ever after you deserve, and may I get my chance to beat the hell out of that fuckhead, Phillip.”

  “Awe! Thank you, Reed.” I leaned over and gave him a peck on the cheek. I felt a quick state of panic before reminding myself I was not in Phillip’s presence. Old habits die hard.

  “I’m serious, Courtney. Once that motherfucker turns eighteen, it’s open season on his ass. I just hope the stupid fucker realizes his age won’t protect him from me anymore.” I knew he was serious. When he accidentally found out Phillip put bruises on me, he’d went ballistic. It took Kendra and me at least an hour to convince him to not hunt Phillip down. If we hadn’t, Reed would’ve only ended up in jail for assaulting a minor, and I would’ve been the one to suffer the repercussions. From that point on, I kept my bruises hidden from everyone, including Kendra.

  “I know you will, Reed,” I said with honesty, “but the past is the past, and there is no need to dig up old dirt. If I can learn to move on, you should too. Besides…” I said with a sly smirk, “… I’m a true believer in karma, and you know what they say…” I didn’t feel the need to finish because everybody knew karma was a bitch. “No more talking about Phillip tonight. We are celebrating my future, remember?”

  Giving Reed a quick hug, I whispered in his ear. “Thank you for always looking out for me, big bro.”

  Reed gave me a small nod of understanding. “Anytime, little sis.”

  Jaxon cleared his throat again. After hearing him clear it earlier, I became more consciously aware of some odd noises he continuously made in his throat when he occasionally cleared it. I had to admit, it was quite annoying, and I couldn’t believe this beautiful man may perhaps have a flaw.

  “Jaxon, your turn,” Kendra chimed.

  His lip pulled up on the side, giving a slight smile. “Hmm, where do I begin?” he paused. “I just met you, so I don’t really know much about you. But I do know you’re a beauti
ful girl who can dance almost as well as me,” he chuckled. “I would also like to get to know you better, as friends of course.” He grinned, giving me his deep, dimpled smile. “Here’s to us,” he nodded at me, “to being your first guy friend, may we become the best of friends,” he smirked with an eyebrow raised in question.

  “Hey, I thought I was your first guy friend, Courtney?” Reed said jokingly.

  Before I could tell Reed he was more like my brother than a friend, Jaxon was already speaking on my behalf. “Okay, maybe not your first guy friend, but your best guy friend instead. You see, a girl always has a best girl friend and a best guy friend, and who better to fill that position?” He stood there pointing to himself with eyebrows arched high and a million-dollar smile, clearly stating he was ‘that guy.’

  I snorted, trying to hold back a laugh that I was unable to contain. Kendra and Reed laughed along with me.

  “Is something funny?” he was staring straight at me when he spoke.

  “No, not at all, I’m just trying to figure out if you expect me to seriously believe you want to be my BFF after you clearly stated earlier that you were down with the whole ‘friends with benefits’ thing,” I sneered, using my two fingers in a quotes gesture.

  He let out a bellowing laugh. “You took me serious? Ah man, I was just kidding with you, Sweet Cheeks,” he admitted playfully. I felt a tinge of disappointment flow through me. “I don’t fuck my friends, but, then again, most of my friends are guys. Girls usually don’t want to be my friend. They just want a good fuck… and a few other things,” he said, mumbling the last part, making it nearly inaudible.

  Hearing his man-whore confession was both gross and a turn-on all at the same time. Thinking of the diseases he possibly contracted was appalling, but the way he moved on the dance floor, combined with an air of sexual experience, had the heat rising in my private regions. My body was already betraying me, and I hadn’t even consumed the first drop of alcohol.

  “Um… wow! Um… I don’t even know how to respond to that.” I was lost for words, my emotions in a tormented battle with each other. He had given me every indication of being sexually attracted to me, and then he declared he was only interested in my friendship? I felt so confused.

  Not knowing what else to say, I told everyone bottoms up. Without looking at them, I swiftly licked my salt, chasing it with the potent liquor then the lime. I choked the repulsive liquid down as gracefully as possible without drawing any unwanted attention. The need to cough and sputter was there, but I kept swallowing, trying to force it down as saliva formed in my mouth. I could feel the liquor slowly burn into my stomach and welcomed the feeling, hoping it would wash away the mixed emotions I was having. Not wanting to attach myself to anyone, I was eccentrically drawn to Jaxon like a moth to a flame. I didn’t really want him to show any interest in me, but I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t slightly hurt when he announced he only wanted to be my buddy. The conflict of interest within reinforced the need to screw my head back on right, and I made the rational decision to reciprocate the feelings. After all, he was going back to California in a few weeks, so a relationship wasn’t in the stars for us anyway.

  I forced a smile as everyone followed and took their shot. Kendra opened the bottle to pour another round, but Jaxon placed his hand over the top of his glass. “No more for me. I don’t drink hard liquor. I only took the shot for the toast and now will just grab myself a beer.”

  I threw back the shot Kendra had just poured for me, keeping my eyes on Jaxon as he walked away to fetch his beer. Not sure how I didn’t notice before, but he had the most impeccably round butt that filled his jeans to perfection, the kind of ass your hand was itching to squeeze.

  “See something you like?” I jerked my eyes away as Kendra startled me out of my reverie.

  “No, I was having the stupid stares. I wasn’t looking at anything in particular,” I lied.

  “Whatever! You know you can’t fool me.”

  “Kendra, it’s not like that. You heard him. He is only interested in being my friend.”

  “Yeah, but that’s not saying how you feel about him.”

  Our conversation abruptly ended as Jaxon came walking back to us with a bottle of water in hand. I was silently thanking him for the interruption.

  “I thought you were getting a beer,” Kendra queried.

  Jaxon shrugged his shoulders. “I changed my mind.”

  Holding my glass up to Kendra, I motioned for her to fill my glass up again. “Hey, lightweight, you better slow down before you make yourself sick,” Reed chuckled.

  “One more after this, I promise. I’ve never been drunk, and I don’t plan on tonight being my first time.” I thought I heard Jaxon murmur ‘that’s a shame,’ but feeling the onslaught of a buzz, I couldn’t be sure.

  After two shots, Reed cut himself off, saying somebody had to be the responsible one to drive us home tonight.

  Kendra poured us two more shots, the last one barely going down because we were laughing so hard. Neither of us were sure of what we were even laughing about, but we both seemed to find it impossible to stop. I chanced a glance over at Jaxon, and he was once again staring at me, this time shaking his head with a playful smile on his face.

  Reed stepped between us, taking the bottle from Kendra’s hand. “No more for you two ladies. I’m not being held responsible when your mothers find you staggering into their houses.”

  “Party pooper,” Kendra pouted.

  “Yeah, you’re going to think party pooper when you are puking your guts out later. You’ll be thanking me for this come morning, and, don’t worry, I’ll let you know how you can repay me,” Reed said, wiggling his eyebrows up and down. Kendra reached over to grab Reed’s head with both hands, pulling him to her as she whispered something on his lips before giving him a deep kiss.

  Jaxon cleared his throat again. Thanking him for another interruption from awkward silence I asked, “Are you getting sick?”

  “No, why?”

  “I noticed you keep clearing your throat. I just thought maybe you had a sore throat or something.”

  “No, just a little tic I have. Is it bothering you?”

  “Oh, no, not at all,” I lied. Actually, it was annoying the hell out of me. “What do you mean a tick? Like the kind that gives you Lyme disease?” I asked, cocking my head to the side. My brain was feeling a little foggy, and I hoped my words weren’t coming out in a slur.

  “No, it’s the kind that causes you to make sudden movements or sounds that you are unaware of and are unable to control,” he said laughing.

  “Oh.” Now I felt kind of stupid and guilty for being annoyed by something he couldn’t control.

  “It’s a form of Tourette. Have you ever heard of that?”

  “No.”

  “Google it sometime.” His face turned blank as he seemed to ponder something. The atmosphere suddenly changed.

  “You want to go back inside and dance? I don’t think these two lovebirds are ready to detach yet,” he smiled, his thumb pointing to Reed and Kendra locked in a strong embrace.

  “Sounds good to me.” As soon as I stood up, the trees starting spinning and I came close to losing my balance.

  “Whoa, Sweet Cheeks, you think you can stay vertical long enough to dance?” Jaxon asked as he grabbed my waist to steady me.

  “As long as I’ve got you to hold me up,” I giggled.

  Looking up with blurred vision, I clearly became aware of the vivid, blue eyes staring back at me. Our proximity was mere inches, and the smell of his cologne mixed with the mint on his breath left me woozy. I could feel his ragged breath on my face, and I urgently wanted to kiss him. The lines were getting blurred, but I didn’t care. I reached up to lightly brush my fingertips through his short buzz-cut hair along the nape of his neck, all the while gazing in his blue eyes.

  “You don’t want to do this,” he whispered, as he reached up to remove my hand from his head. Not letting go of my hand, he intertwine
d my fingers through his as he released my waist and pulled me back inside to follow him. In my inebriated state, I knew he wanted me. I could see the wanton battle in his eyes. He just struggled to restrain the lust more than I could.

  Chapter 7 ~ A Kiss of Rejection

  For the first time in my life, I was shit-faced drunk, and Jaxon was my first-class babysitter. He was very attentive to my needs—frequently asking if I needed anything, asking if I felt okay, and making sure I didn’t fall flat on my face by keeping his hands on me at all times. I felt a smidge of guilt for not being the perfect date, but, moreover, I thoroughly enjoyed the attention I was receiving from him. Phillip hadn’t cared about my well-being since the early months of us dating, so I milked it for all it was worth, and, by the smile Jaxon kept plastered on his face, I think he enjoyed it as much as I did.

  My attempt to kiss Jaxon had miserably failed, but I wasn’t ready to surrender. Friend or not, I was determined to get a kiss before the night ended. I wasn’t going to be satisfied until I got a taste of him. I began to understand the reason people chose to drink, it gave you the courage to be someone else. I felt confident, carefree, bold, and seductive—all of the things that didn’t normally make up my list of characteristics. Despite my flirtatious advances being repeatedly brushed away, I remained persistent for Jaxon to reciprocate any signs I passed his way.

  Relishing in the inebriated person that had taken over my body, I didn’t want any of it wearing off before my night ended. I tried being persuasive, but I was unable to convince Jaxon to let me have a couple more shots of tequila. The sex God wouldn’t even let me out of his sight, saying he didn’t trust me, thinking I might sneak off for a little more liquor.

  After trying to dance to a few more songs by artists I couldn’t even remember, Jaxon decided it was time for me to go home. My motor skills were declining rapidly, and he literally had to hold me upright.