Toxic Secrets

by Jill Patten

  “For fuck sake stop it! Just fuckin’ stop it!” I yelled, throwing my towel down onto the chaise lounge. “It’s not happening, so just leave. Go home, go to work, go somewhere, just not here.” Walking toward the pool house, I ignored her presence, hoping she would give up and walk away.

  “Who is she?” Valeria asked, stopping me dead in my tracks. I kept my back to her. “Since you’ve been back from North Carolina you’ve been giving me the cold shoulder.” Her heels clicked loudly against the concrete as she walked closer to me.

  I turned to face her. “As usual, it’s always about you,” I said shaking my head. “I have a lot on my plate right now, Val. I don’t have time to babysit your ass. Just because I’m not paying special attention to you doesn’t mean I’ve met someone.” Val reached up to swipe her eyes underneath her sunglasses. I knew then she was crying.

  “Fuck!” I screamed. Manipulative bitch.

  She played me like a fiddle, and I let her every damn time. It was the same vicious cycle. I couldn’t win for losing.

  No longer was I able to watch her cry. Her pain hurt me as well. I knew her tears were real because I knew her true feelings for me. Reaching for her, I grabbed her shoulder to pull her to me in a tight embrace. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, “But you can’t keep torturing yourself. We will never be, Val. You’re a great friend, and you’ve always been there for me, but you’ve got to move past the idea of us having a happily ever after.” Pulling back from our embrace, my hands settled on her shoulders. I stared into her brown eyes with tears still puddled around the bottom edge. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” I said with much sympathy. “I know it hurts you to hear that, but I can’t pretend to feel something I don’t. It’s not fair to either of us.”

  Valeria nodded, indicating she understood. This wasn’t the first time we had had this conversation, though.

  Needing to prepare myself for a busy night, I made my way to the bar. It was St. Patrick’s Day, and we had a band performing that used to be locals around the area before moving away to Seattle, Washington. After giving Val some reassurance, I told her she could have the night off. I figured it was the least I could do after breaking her heart for the millionth time. The girl was glutton for punishment. No matter how cruel I was to her, she always came back for more. Our little escapades probably didn’t help matters either. Unbeknownst to her, those would never happen again.

  Troy was probably going to chew my ass out for short-staffing him, but I knew I could convince him that I’d pick up her slack. Looks like I better put on my show-stopping smile, I had some ladies to charm tonight.

  As I pulled my old seventy-two pick-up truck into the parking lot of my bar, my phone chimed. Reed, huh? Now that was someone I hadn’t talked to in a while. Maybe I could finally get a few answers. Before I took the call, I parked my truck in my personal spot.

  “What up, cuz? It’s about damn time you returned my calls. I was beginning to think you decided to decline my offer.”

  “Never, man. I would be a fool to give up an opportunity like what you’re giving me.”

  “Where the hell have you been? Actually, where the hell have all of you been?”

  “Sorry, dude. I’ve been so busy with school. I’m trying to cram everything in so I can finish up before graduation. I’ve also been working my ass off so I can get ahead on my bills before I fly out in April.”

  “I told you the job is yours whether you have that degree or not. I also told you I would give you advancement if you needed it, and your trip out here is on me, so what excuse you got for me now?”

  “I know, I know, I just don’t like depending on people. I like taking care of my own shit myself, ya know?”

  In order to find out what had been going on with Courtney, I needed to maneuver my way around the conversation

  “I understand where you’re coming from. So, is Kendra still coming out with you?”

  “I’m not sure. Things have been a little rocky between her and Courtney lately. She knew I would be busy with you and spending my time in training. Now that Courtney isn’t coming, she’s been indecisive about whether she wants to come or not.”

  Damn. Not exactly the news I was hoping to hear.

  “So Court’s not coming? What’s happened?”

  “Dude, ever since that damn accident she was in with Phillip, she’s been up his ass catering to his every need. I’m not sure what’s going on there. Kendra’s pissed about it. She threatened Courtney of ending their friendship if Courtney continues to pursue Phillip. All I know is what Kendra tells me. I’ve been trying to stay out of it as much as possible. You know that damn girl drama.”

  “Fuck!”

  My frustration was meant to stay in my head and never fall out of my mouth for Reed to hear.

  “I’m sorry, cuz. I know you two sort of had a little thing going on, but, when it comes to that prick, he has a way of manipulating her every time. From what Kendra tells me, she’s so eaten up with guilt that she blames herself for the accident and his broken leg. The little fucktard’s basketball career is ruined. I personally think it’s pretty damn funny. Serves him right.”

  All of a sudden I had a sick feeling in my gut that I had not felt in a long time. It was so disheartening to hear she had flown right back to him as soon as I left. Was she really that type of girl? I had never seen that side of her in the short time I spent with her. Or was it just because of the accident that she’d cut me out of her life? Things were so good between us when I was there, and, even after I left, she still seemed into me. I could clearly see Heather coming out of her though, and taking all the blame even if it wasn’t strictly her fault.

  Reed interrupted my train of thought.

  “Helllooo, Jaxon. Are you still there?”

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m still here. Sorry, I was slightly distracted. Well, if Kendra or Courtney either one decides to make that trip with you, just let me know.”

  “I will. I’ve been staying on Kendra’s back about coming with me, but, I’m telling you, she’s pretty adamant about not going unless Courtney goes. Besides, aside from Courtney being stuck up Phillip’s ass, I don’t know if she would come anyway because her mom recently lost her job and they’ve been struggling to pay their bills”

  “What the hell?”

  “Dude, there’s been so much crazy shit that’s gone on since you’ve left, I can’t wait to get out to Cali for some normalcy and hopefully a whole lot of relaxation.”

  Reed continued to fill me in on all the details he was aware of. I was happy to hear from him, but not so happy with the news he left me.

  After we hung up, I decided to make one last ditch effort to contact Courtney.

  Chapter 24 ~ Falling In, Falling Out

  It was exactly seven weeks to the day since the accident. We had just finished one of many physical therapy sessions and were now on our way back to Phillip’s house.

  My phone rang, indicting a call from my mother.

  “Thank you, thank you, thank you, sweet daughter of mine,” my mother exclaimed. “You have no idea how perfect you have made my day. I can’t believe you were keeping this a secret from me. Why would you let me stress for so long without telling me? I haven’t slept a wink—”

  She was acting like a crazy loon, so I cut her off from her hysterical rambling. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up a minute. What the heck are you talking about, mom? What are you thanking me for?” I asked, confused. Phillip leaned over the console, stretching his neck so he could eavesdrop. Nosey fool.

  Switching my phone over to my left ear, I scooted a little closer against the driver’s door so I could keep my phone conversation private.

  “I drove over to the power company today to see if they would let me pay at least half of our bill before they decide to turn our power off. Well, to my surprise, they told me my bill was already paid in full, and I have a five hundred dollar credit.” Her voice hiked up to a level I was pretty sure only a dog could hear. “How did y
ou do it? Wait, please don’t tell me you had someone to help you take out a loan or you borrowed from Kendra’s parents, or, worse, fell for one of those advance cash gimmicks?”

  Glancing over at Phillip, I saw he was giving me a hard glare. I knew he wasn’t happy that I wasn’t allowing him to listen in on my phone call, but those days were over.

  “Mom,” I deadpanned.

  She began to ramble again, ignoring me and talking about how naïve I was, and that I would only throw us further into debt.

  “Mom!” I yelled, cutting her off again. “Would you please stop for a moment and just listen to me? I haven’t done anything. I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” I didn’t want to prolong the conversation with her, knowing Phillip’s impatience was increasing by the second.

  “So you really don’t know anything about this?” Her happiness drifted from her voice.

  “Sorry, mom, I don’t.”

  “Shit!” She huffed into the phone, nearly rupturing my ear drum.

  She almost made me giggle. Mom rarely cursed, but, when she did, I always found it funny. From the change in her manner, though, I didn’t think she would appreciate my wit at this moment. “What if… surely it couldn’t be…” she drifted off, not finishing her thoughts.

  “What if what, mom? Who are you thinking it might be?”

  “Have you contacted your father?” she queried, her tone sounding accusatory.

  Where the hell did that come from? I hadn’t spoken to that piece of shit known as my father since he called me for my thirteenth birthday, and all I told him then was to stay out of my life.

  “Heck, no!” I shouted. “You know I would never contact that a— butthole.” Luckily, I caught my tongue before my mom’s rage flew off the scale.

  “Watch your tone, missy. Have you told anyone else about our financial problems, Court? I’m not going to be known around town as a thief and a charity case.” Her tone was firm, outlined with anger.

  Mom had always been too proud to depend on anyone for assistance. Even during the toughest of times, she refused to ever rely on government assistance or help from anyone else. I guess she had too much pride, and, for that, I envied her.

  “I’ve only told Kendra.” I honestly replied. Gosh, I so didn’t want to talk about this any further in front of Phillip. Hearing a one-sided conversation was only going to raise questions later, especially after I just admitted that I’d told Kendra something that I hadn’t shared with him. There was no denying we had become very close since the accident, but I still had my limits on how much knowledge of my personal life he needed to know.

  My eyes stayed focused on a few robins digging for worms in Phillip’s front yard. Knowing he had to be furious with me at this point I was afraid to look at him. I had to figure out a quick way to end my conversation before things got heated to a burning degree.

  As I watched the robins find food for survival, knowing their only fear in the world was their line-up in the food chain, it dawned on me that I was no longer owned by Phillip. I could do as I pleased. He had no control of me. I had control of my own life now. With confidence, I looked at him, ready to face any wrath he tossed my way. But to my surprise, he was gazing out of the passenger side window, watching his neighbors pick weeds from their flowerbeds.

  “Courtney Danielle Peterson!” My mother exclaimed.

  Startled, I dropped my phone in my lap. When my mother used my full name it was never a good sign. I scrambled around to answer her. “Yes?”

  “Are you ignoring me?”

  “No ma’am.” I frowned. “Sorry, I got distracted,” I said, watching Phillip lost in his own world.

  She sighed. “Do you think it is possible Kendra told her parents?”

  I huffed, “No mom, I really don’t. She wouldn’t do that.” Phillip finally turned to look at me, a genuine smile plastered on his beautiful face. His eyebrows shot up and his hand motioned for me to hurry up. “Look, mom, I need to get off of here, can we talk about this when I get home?”

  My mom grunted in the phone. “Yeah, and that’s not all I want to talk about with you when you get home. I think we need to discuss Phillip, too.” I could just picture her smirky grin on the opposite end of our phone call. Great!

  I rolled my eyes. “Okay, mom.” I pulled the phone away from my ear to hit the end button when I heard her shout my name.

  I didn’t expect the exciting nature in her voice when she gushed into the phone. “Oh my gosh! Don’t hang up yet. I forgot to tell you the rest of my exciting news.” Geez, she was flip-flopping all over the place today. “Reed stopped by the house today. He told me about the new restaurant/bar opening up in a couple of months and asked if I would be interested in a job.”

  “What did you tell him?"

  “I told him of course. It looks like your senior year is going to end on a happy note after all, sweetie.”

  My thoughts drifted to that one person that made me happy during the holidays—Jaxon. Remembering the laughs and smiles he’d placed on my face saddened me. How easily he’d forgotten me after leaving. I knew that I wasn’t any better in communicating with him, but I would have thought for sure he would’ve at least contacted me. If not for any other reason than to at least see how I was doing. How could I have been so stupid to believe that I was actually getting a chance to visit him in California, to finally travel out of North Carolina? Oh well, I guess life goes on.

  “I’m so happy for you, mom.” I truly was. The misery she’d drudged through over the last five weeks was wearing her down. I hadn’t seen her so unhappy since my grandparents passed away.

  Mom began clicking her tongue. What could it be now? She only did this when she was contemplating whether or not to say what was on her mind. “Just spit it out,” I droned.

  “Well, Reed also mentioned to me that Jaxon is the owner of my new place of employment—”

  “Annnd?” I questioned, cutting her off. I absolutely did not want to discuss him in front of Phillip. Talking in code was not my forte’.

  Mom giggled in the phone. “Well I was just wondering if you two still talk. You know, he was a really nice guy…”

  I masked a grin. “Okay mom, I’ll talk to you later. I love you. Bye.” I tapped end before she could make our conversation any more awkward.

  Hopping out of Phillip’s 4Runner, I moved at a snail’s pace, buying myself time getting over to his side to help him out of his truck. Racking my brain, I tried to think up a quick conversation piece before he had the chance to question my phone call.

  Time was up. As I reached his door, my mind was still coming up empty. His eyebrows scrunched tightly together, watching me intently. Oh shit, do something quick, Court. I opened his door, and before he had the chance to say anything I grabbed the “oh shit” handles, pulling myself up to meet him face to face. Then I kissed him lightly but fervently, leaving no hesitation for second guessing.

  Phillip didn’t seem to have any qualms about my candid attack, his arm snaked around my waist holding me close to him. His other hand palmed my cheek gracefully while his thumb floated over my skin, stopping for a moment to graze the outer edge of my lips. Then, moving lower, he rubbed it back and forth so tenderly along my jaw line.

  Phillip deepened the kiss, our tongues exploring each other’s mouth. I tasted the sweetness I remembered. The sweetness I used to love and crave… and possibly still did. He released my face, his hand trickling down along my thigh. His fingers crawled their way up my jeans, making their way up under my shirt to lightly caress my waist. He then explored higher to palm my breast over my bra, his thumb rubbing back and forth, bringing things to a peak. A small moan escaped me.

  I was surprised by how good it felt. It had been so long. My own betrayal sent a shot of nerves into the pit of my stomach. The questions started overflowing my mind—Was this what I really wanted? Was I leading him on? Was this going to change everything? Quickly, I pulled back, breaking the kiss I was drowning in. Both of us were
panting and filled with desire. I searched his eyes looking for some sort of clue that this was right. I needed to know.

  He took a couple of deep breaths, trying to regain his composure. “Why did you do that?” he asked. His hand fell from my breast resting on my waist. The touch still felt electrifying.

  At that moment, I noticed I had a death grip on the handles. I loosened my fingers bringing the blood flow back to surface. “Do what? Kiss you or stop kissing you?” I breathed.

  “Both.”

  I paused a moment before speaking. “To be honest, I don’t know. It was just something spontaneous,” I shrugged. I couldn’t tell him the real reason why I started it, but could I tell him the reason why I stopped it? I hoped I didn’t regret the words that were about to fall out of my mouth. “Phillip, it’s killed me to see you in so much misery and I want you to know how much I still care about you. I have wished every day that it was me that was in that passenger seat and not you. You will never know how sorry I am for what I did to you, and, if there was some way for me to repay you, I would do it in a heartbeat, no hesitation.” He sat there staring at me with no expression. He always had the best poker-face.

  His big browns held mine, not allowing me to look away. “That doesn’t really explain why you stopped, but you said something else that caught my attention.” He reached up to tuck a stray piece of hair behind my ear. The gesture was so simple, but so endearing. “Before we discuss this any further will you help me out? My leg is killing me, and I want to lie down and rest for a while.” The wheels started spinning like a dragster in my brain trying to think of what I had said to pique his interest.

  I tried talking Phillip into lounging around on the couch because it was torturous on me to help him up the stairs, but he was insistent on relaxing on his bed. He said he didn’t want to be bothered by anyone. I thought it was strange because nobody was here but us, and his family was gone for the day visiting his aunt and uncle up in Boone.

  Sitting in his office chair, I stared at him, but not really looking at him lying before me on the bed. The questions started burning back into my thoughts about the feelings that came to life during our kiss. It felt stronger this time than before.