The Wild in her Eyes

by Karina Giörtz

  Annis thought about it, considering all she’d taken on and conquered in only the course of a day. “I suppose you’re right.”

  He grinned. “I suppose I am.”

  “Where are you headed once we get in there?” she asked, secretly hoping they would wind up on the same task for a change. She missed working alongside him.

  “To help Will and Francis take down the tiered benches. You?”

  She tried to hide her disappointment. “Bess said to meet her at the center of the ring. We’re breaking down the tightrope and trapeze tonight.”

  “See you later?”

  “Hope so.” She smiled. Even after he turned away and could no longer see her, she kept smiling. And the more she thought about all the reasons she had to do so, the wider her mouth stretched over her face. Life had a funny way of turning itself upside down and right side up all at the same time.

  “You’ve seen a boy,” Bess teased as soon as she spotted Annis coming toward her and Della. “I can tell by the moony look in your eyes. Oh, Lord. I know which boy put it there too.”

  “He’s dreamy with jet black hair that runs the length of his muscular back and has a complexion so beautiful it could make you weep,” Della said with a dramatic sigh, mocking Annis the same way all the girls had done to each other over breakfast.

  Annis grinned sheepishly. “He is dreamy, isn’t he?”

  “No one answer that, or we’ll never get any work done!” Bess called out with a laugh.

  “For the record,” Leo cut in as he joined them, “my answer would not have impaired productivity one bit.”

  Della rolled her eyes at him, but she smirked as soon as she turned away. Annis caught it from where she was standing and got the distinct feeling Leo was fully aware of Della’s expression, too, even without seeing it for himself. He confirmed her suspicions when he called after Della. “I can still see you, you know.”

  Della spun back around. “Stop looking all the bloody time!”

  He grinned with one eyebrow cocked and his head tilted to the left. “Can’t help myself.”

  Della didn’t seem to know whether to be furious or delighted, and for several awkward seconds her face switched between utter disgust and complete adoration. Finally, she settled somewhere in the middle, still somewhat perplexed but obviously amused. “You’re ridiculous.”

  “Quite likely,” Leo admitted. Annis couldn’t deny he was charming. Perhaps he was the water in their incompatible duo—calming, clear, and able to put out any fires feisty Miss Oil might start.

  “Annis,” Bess summoned her. “Mark my words, boys are a distraction.” She nodded at Della who was still holding onto the same silver trapeze hoop she’d been attempting to pack up since Annis’s arrival. “Case in point, the trapeze duo over there who’s been too busy flirting to pack up a single item while I’ve managed to load an entire trunk already. Also, it’s worth noting you’ve been held captive by their little saga, unable to move a muscle, too wracked with the anticipation of what will happen next.” She shook her head at them, shaming all three for their disgraceful behavior. “Just pitiful, you lot are.”

  “If I do double the work in half the time, will I be forgiven?” Annis offered. Mockery notwithstanding, she felt it was a fair trade-off.

  “We’ll see.” Despite Bess’s attempt at being stern, Annis knew from her eyes that she was already cleared of all wrongdoing.

  “I’m not doing double anything,” Della announced haughtily. “You’re the one doing all the distracting,” she said, jabbing Leo in the chest. “If we fall behind tonight, it’s on you.”

  “So like a woman. Always pushing off the blame onto the man. Completely incapable of handling their own load and then trying to relieve themselves of the responsibility.”

  Della looked as though fire might come out of her mouth if she dared to open it, and Annis, who had sworn to be beguiled by their interactions no longer, now found it impossible to turn away. She knew Leo was in for it now.

  “You have some nerve!” she shouted, getting so close to his face that her angry breath made his black hair fly up. “Name even one incident in which I have not carried my weight on this team. Because I can count several in which I’ve had to carry yours as well, you ignorant, male chauvinist arse!”

  “You think every man is a male chauvinist arse. You really think I could have made it through the last three years of my life being bossed around by you, day in and day out, if I was that sort of man?” he hollered right back at her, never giving an inch.

  Neither did Della.

  “The fact you call yourself a man at all is laughable.”

  “Della!” One single word he shouted, and yet it resounded like an entire statement, demanding that she desist with her flaring insults this instant.

  “Don’t you ‘Della’ me!” She shoved him hard in the chest and spun around on her heel, stomping off in the opposite direction, only stopping when she’d reached Hugh, to whom she stuck like glue for the remainder of the night.

  “I suppose that’s one way to keep Leo from shouting at her, huh?” Annis said, still amused by Della’s antics as she and Bess worked twice as fast at breaking down as they had when setting up. The lure of their cabins and their impending free time was a stronger incentive than the upcoming show had been.

  “Della’s sneaky when she fights. Plays dirty,” Bess said, matter-of-fact. “And always considers it a win if she’s had the last word.”

  “Who doesn’t?” Annis said, joking. She couldn’t help but let her eyes veer toward Leo every so often. He hadn’t said a single word since Della’s name. It seemed to Annis that he’d chosen to funnel all of his anger at Della into his work, exerting far more physical effort than was required, making a great deal of noise as he slammed, pelted, and dropped things into place.

  Until tonight’s display, Annis hadn’t seen Della and Leo interact outside of their performance. They were an odd pair not because they seemed an unlikely match, but because they went together too well. In their performance, everything about their interactions seemed effortless. They moved so easily together that it was hard to fathom they were just as skilled at fighting as they were at being in sync with one another. If Annis hadn’t witnessed their quarrel, she’d probably refuse to believe it could be true.

  As the night went on and work dwindled down to odds and ends, Annis noticed Leo’s fury diminish too, until all that was left were his hunched shoulders and slow movements, a pathetic mope he wore for all to see. He topped it off with a spectacular pout on his otherwise flawless face. Meanwhile, Della had done all in her power to steer clear of him.

  “Think you’ll ever want it?” Annis asked when the last of Bess’s equipment was stored away, back on the train. “Love, I mean. Do you think it’ll ever be worth the trade-off for you?”

  “I’m not sure,” Bess admitted, pulling the heavy door shut with a loud bang. “But,” she continued, carefully hooking the lock into place and pressing it shut. “If I ever do decide it’s what I want, I’ll go after it, same as I do everything else. With a bit of nerve and a whole lot of laughter.”

  “Those are key to all things then, huh?” Annis said. A soft smile curved her lips.

  “Yes, those, and one last thing,” Bess said, turning to Annis expectantly.

  “Never look down.”

  Bess nodded. “Never look down.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  A JOB TO DO

  Tonight, rather than wait for him to find her, Annis took it upon herself to track Hugh down. Part of her hoped taking the initiative would be enough to impress upon him all she’d learned today and that he would simply bid her goodnight without questioning her to the point that her head was swimming with a million different thoughts, each causing a cascade of more thoughts, until she was drowning in wisdom and new perspectives that she wouldn’t appreciate until morning, when the sun rose and a fresh, brilliant day was upon her, along with a new and wiser her. At times she still found him dauntin
g. Or, rather, she found his incessant pursuit of the deepest, most intimate pieces of her soul daunting. And tiring.

  “Am I interrupting?” she asked, opening the door to Hugh and Babe’s car after three solid knocks and a muffled answer to come in. Waiting just inside the door was not just Hugh, but the entire Brooks and Bennet threesome. Foursome, if you included Basileus, the tiger.

  “Not at all, Tulip,” Babe insisted, ushering Annis in to have a seat. “We were just chatting. Nothing important.” She caught Hugh’s eye and quickly carried on. “You know, Sequoyah was just saying how beautiful the moon was tonight. I think I’m going to go have a look for myself.” She tugged at her son’s sleeve. “And by that, I mean you’re going to show me.”

  He laughed. “You don’t think you can find the moon on your own?”

  “I think you’re horrible at picking up on subtle cues. Now, come on. These two have things to discuss,” Babe insisted, dragging him toward the door.

  “Why can’t I ever be part of the discussion?” he mumbled, just as Babe was pulling the door shut behind them.

  Hugh waited until the sound of Sequoyah’s muttering faded along with his and Babe’s footsteps. Then, only when he was sure they were long out of ear shot, Hugh took a seat across from Annis in a chair that seemed custom-made for him. Its tall, slender back was lined in an understated linen and minimally cushioned, except for the padded headrest.

  “Have a big day?” he asked, his brows raised and his mouth clearly fighting a smile as he settled in, crossing one leg over the other and resting an elbow on his top knee to lean in toward Annis.

  “You could say that,” Annis said, making no effort to conceal her own grin.

  “Do you plan to say anything else about it, or would you care for me to guess for myself?”

  Annis’s eyes lit up. “Is that something we could do? Turn things around and have you do all the sorting things out for a change?”

  He laughed, but his laughter went as quickly as it had come. “No,” he said, rather curtly, though Hugh’s best attempts at being stern were still relatively harmless.

  “It was worth a shot,” Annis said, leaning back in her chair and fully relaxing her body for the first time since she’d crawled out of bed that morning. It felt good. Really good. So good, in fact, she didn’t dare close her eyes for fear she might fall asleep if she did. She felt particularly soothed and had never quite appreciated the feel of velvet cushions so much before.

  “So,” Hugh said, “what did you learn today, love?”

  Her words came without hesitation. “A good plan is the foundation required to keep from falling on your arse under any and all circumstances that life brings upon you.” It sounded, Annis realized as she said it, perfectly rehearsed.

  Hugh chuckled. “A good lesson indeed. But hardly the one I’m asking about.”

  “Today was tricky,” Annis said, mentally reviewing all she’d taken in. “At first, I thought for sure you sent me to Bess to see the other side of love. To learn that loving yourself is just as valuable as loving someone else. Maybe more so, even.”

  “A valid viewpoint that I’m sure Bess showed you beautifully,” Hugh agreed.

  “Yes,” Annis said. “But that’s not why I was there.”

  “No?” His eyes twinkled with curiosity and Annis knew she was on the right track.

  “No.”

  “Why then?”

  Slowly, Annis pulled herself upright again. “Well, I wondered that too when I started to consider that it’s not only about loving ourselves, but also about becoming someone we love. Someone we want to be in our own story. At first, I thought, I wanted to be the hero, that everyone would want to be the hero.”

  Hugh’s efforts to hide his pleasure were waning. “Is that who you want to be?”

  Annis shook her head. “No, I don’t. Even if the hero saves the day, they’re still bound by the story. They’re capable of fighting evil but not able to change it.”

  “And who is?”

  “The writer.” It had taken her the whole afternoon and her chat with Babe to figure this out. “I want to be the writer of my story. Not the hero. Not the princess. I don’t want to wait for happily ever after or to accept that someone else decides what that might look like. I want to create it for myself.”

  “Smart girl, Annis.” Hugh smiled. “But that wasn’t today’s lesson either, was it?”

  She locked her eyes on his, smiling back. “No, it wasn’t.” She folded her hands in her lap. “Didn’t learn that until just before I came here.”

  “Really?” he sounded almost surprised.

  “Sort of,” she said, tipping her head back and forth. “In a physical sense, I learned it in the most inopportune way earlier this afternoon. But I didn’t realize its significance until later.”

  “Go on then, don’t keep me in suspense.”

  She cleared her throat. Nerves tingled at the pit of her stomach. The pressure of saying what Hugh truly wanted to hear mounted to a peak in her chest, threatening to burst her ribcage.

  “Don’t look down.”

  Hugh’s nostrils flared, the only motion on his otherwise still face. But it was enough. Annis knew the telltale signs of his suppressed delight.

  “Don’t look down,” she repeated. “Don’t look back. Don’t look anywhere except where you want to go. Looking anywhere else will only lead to fear, doubts, distractions, and false impressions. The key to writing your story, to keep from falling off the pages of your life, is don’t look down.”

  Hugh sat back in his tall chair, his hands together, palms meeting and lifting two of his fingers in a point, which he tapped thoughtfully to his lips. Pride swelled in his eyes as his mouth gave way to the smile he’d been trying to hide. “Good girl, Annis.”

  Contentment spread all throughout her body, replacing her previous nerves and anticipation. She didn’t know why gaining Hugh’s approval meant more to her with every passing day. She knew it was silly, really, because Hugh approved of everyone, just as they were. He asked no questions and made no demands. And yet, seeing him so pleased and knowing she was living up to his expectations of her was enough for her to start believing she could set some expectations of herself beyond just making it through another day.

  “So, who’s next?” she asked, eager for her next challenge.

  “You.”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “You’ve got all you need to start, Annis. Now it’s time to let it settle. Time to rest your mind and work your hands.” He stretched his long legs out before him, twisting his ankles out and making them pop in their sockets. “From now on, the work you do here is up to you. I encourage you to learn as many skills as you can. You never know when they may prove handy or how your act may evolve when the time comes for it. But do so to your own liking, your own interests, and know that you’ve fully completed the lessons I placed before you. You’re ready now to set your own terms. You won’t get lost. I promise.”

  “You were never going to lead me the whole way,” Annis said, his intentions finally dawning on her.

  “I can only give you the tools to navigate, Annis,” he said, his tone dropping deeper as the kindness in it rose higher. “In the end, we all have to choose our own destination and how we want to journey there.” He smiled. “Do you trust me, love?”

  “I do.” There was no question. She’d made an unconsciousness choice the day she arrived to trust him. And, in his way, he’d earned it every day since.

  “Then trust that I trust you.” He reached out and rested his hand on her knee, shaking it playfully back and forth. “You’re ready, love. Go forth and start a storm the world can’t help but make a path for.” Long after their conversation ended, his parting words stayed with her, swirling inside her mind as though they were forming the funnel that would grow into the tornado he’d called on her to become.

  Back in her crowded cabin, Annis let the calming chug of the train lull her out of the loud chatter that surrounde
d her and into the quiet of her mind, where Hugh’s most recent words were the only sound. They shut down even her own internal noise, for once, and brought clarity and concise thoughts, and a new sensation settling within her that she had absolute control of her life.

  Over the course of the next several months, life flew by in a blissful blur of adventure. New cities to visit nearly every day. New tasks to learn with every setup and breakdown. Though her time in the ring remained elusive for the time being, Annis didn’t miss it. The way it had touched her soul the night Bess had dragged her out there stayed with her, never fading or changing her desires to reach the center of that spotlight. She knew her time would come. And so waiting became easy. The passing days meant more laughter, more friendships, and, of course, more time with Sequoyah. It also meant an old coffee tin she’d gotten from Momma and now kept under her bed, where it continued to fill up with her savings. Hugh remained true to his word and paid out her nightly shares at week’s end, same as he did for everyone, whether they had an act or not.

  Annis wasn’t the only one growing on this adventure. Finian seemed to be gaining weight and height every passing hour and, come December, his wooly thick coat and golden yellow eyes gave every indication he had grown into a full wolf, even if his behavior occasionally belied his youth.

  “Fin!” Annis said and then snarled, matching the sound he was making as he tugged relentlessly at one of the tent’s ropes that she was trying to fasten back into place after he’d only just yanked it loose. “You’re not helping!”

  The wolf pup released the rope and sat back on his haunches and waited for her to finish.

  “Thank you,” she said. Maude had told her that wolves didn’t care much for manners, but manners mattered to Annis, so she decided to keep using them.

  “I see someone’s been in trouble,” Sequoyah teased Fin, tousling the fur on the top of his head as he walked by. “Trying to steal things again, you little thief?”

  Annis sighed, dropping the end of the rope now that it was securely knotted in place and there was no chance of Fin coming along and running off with it. “You should see the things I’ve been finding under my bed. He’s such a hoarder. I swear he’s planning to build his own train car so that he doesn’t have to share with three girls anymore.”