Janet took me to the ER herself and filled out a lot of the paperwork on her tablet for me, just asking me the questions. She was great about everything and she insisted I file a police report. She called it in and had them send someone to the ER to question me so I wouldn’t have to go into the station to make a statement. It made me shake just talking about it. I never wanted to think about it again. She talked about the implications for the case, about discontinuing visitation attempts until an investigation was conducted. All I could think about was the little girl, how I hadn’t helped her. I’d just shown up, tried to show her dad a list and nearly gotten myself strangled in the process. I was sorry, so sorry that I had failed her. I shook my head again and again, even as the doctor worked me up and talked about bruising and resting and fluids and putting an ice pack on my neck.
Janet took me back to my car and insisted I take the next day off to recover. I drove home, changed to my pajamas and checked the lock on my door about twenty times. I couldn’t concentrate on TV or my library book. I just iced my neck and lay there on the couch under a blanket, scared out of my mind and blaming myself.
Staring in the mirror, I shuddered. The white part of my left eye was almost completely red from the blood vessel that had burst from being strangled. My face was puffy. Bruising made dark stripes on my neck and cuffed my arms. I showered, wishing I could scrub off the marks he’d left on my skin. When I cried, my throat ached.
The next day I had to make myself go to the police station to sign my statement and answer a few more questions. I wore sunglasses. Everyone at the station probably thought I was a battered wife, I thought. Not that it made any real difference. Bruises were bruises, after all.
Later, I got a replacement phone. I couldn’t make myself eat anything so I just sipped some water. I huddled under a blanket again with the TV on, desperate for company. Janet had called to check up on me, but I let it go to voicemail. She’d think I was resting, not staring crazily at my door like someone was going to burst through it and finish me off. When Rafe called to see if was coming to spar at the gym, I answered. Part of me needed to hear his voice, needed to connect with another human. I told him I’d be there.
Instead of my usual tank top and shorts, I put on a t-shirt and zipped a jacket high at my neck. Maybe they’d think I was cold, maybe I was coming down with something and needed the jacket to stay warm. The eye—well, I couldn’t wear sunglasses inside at the gym, so I’d have to say I hurt my eye.
I could claim I poked myself putting on mascara. Men didn’t know much about makeup so they might believe that I could jab a wand in my eyeball hard enough to burst a blood vessel. Part of me wanted to curl up and hide, not go out, not let them see me, but the part that craved contact and friendship and the comfort of being with them spoke louder.
I walked into the gym, dropped my bag in the locker room and met them on the mats. I had my back to them, putting on the helmet.
“Here, let me help fasten it,” Rafe said, touching my shoulder. I turned around, determined to brazen it out, daring him to see that I’d been hurt.
“Holy fuck, Lexi, what happened?” he said, his hands on my face, stripping away the guard helmet, touching my cheeks and jaw as if feeling for damage, “who did this?”
“It’s nothing,” I said, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Let me see your neck. Someone choked you. Was it the dad? Leo!” he called from across the gym.
Leo came in, still doing curls with a big dumbbell probably showing off, “What?”
“Look at her,” Rafe said, his voice almost accusing. “I thought you said she made it back to the office just fine.”
“I got a text. I figured it was okay. Jesus,” he said when he saw me. He reached for the zipper on my jacket, but I stepped back.
“Whoa,” I said. “I didn’t sign up for the full body inspection.”
“Let me see,” Rafe said. Instead of going for my jacket, he took my hands, inspected the fingertips, my ragged nails, “Defensive injuries.” He shook his head, “You clawed at someone who had a hold of your neck. Have you been to the doctor?”
I nodded.
“Were you going to tell us about it?” Leo said.
I shook my head, my throat tight and thick, unable to speak.
“Come here,” he said. He opened his arms to me. I hung back, resisting. I blinked hard, something making my eyes burn.
“We want to take care of you,” Rafe said, “I know you’ve had trauma here. But we’re not going to let anyone hurt you again. Come back to our place. We’ll talk about it, work out a plan.”
I sniffed mightily because my nose was running.
“Okay,” I said, my voice shaky.
“My truck’s around back,” Rafe said, unwrapping his hands from mine. “Take her on out there. I’ll grab her bag,” he said to Leo.
Leo didn’t hesitate. I thought he was going to put an arm around me and help me to the truck like an invalid. I was wrong. He bent and scooped me up in his arms. I gasped.
“I got you. It’s okay now,” he said. I felt stupid, but I couldn’t help thinking it was nice to be carried, coddled in that way. He set me down to open the truck and helped me into it. I slid across to the middle, “We’re going to make a Lexi sandwich,” he teased, “nobody’s going to get near you again.”
It was true, once Rafe got in the driver’s side I was sandwiched between two big guys, hemmed in and safe. They didn’t live far, but that didn’t stop me from letting my head drift against Rafe’s shoulder as he drove. I may have nodded off. When the truck stopped, I jostled awake.
“My turn,” Rafe said softly, taking me in his arms and carrying me up the steps to their house.
He sat down on their big sectional couch, me in his lap. I stirred against him, my head on his chest. He kissed my forehead.
“We’ve got you. You can rest,” he said. “We’ll talk later.”
“No,” I murmured. “we should talk now.”
“Have you slept since the attack?” Leo said.
“Not really,” I mumbled, “I stare at the door like he’s burst in.”
Leo swore, then said. “You need to stay with us for a while. Until you feel safe again.”
“I feel safe now,” I whispered, nestling against them both. Leo had my legs across his lap, I realized, “you guys make a great bed.”
“Lexi, you need a nap. I’m going to put you in my bed. Is that okay?” Rafe said.
I nodded, felt him lift me again and carry me someplace. I was laid down on a soft bed, the smell of fabric softener like a summer breeze all around me. I curled up gratefully, a sheet pulled over me. Just as I started to drift off, I heard myself whimper. “Don’t leave me alone, please.” I sniffed, but tears were coming already.
“Shit, she’s crying,” I heard Leo say.
The mattress gave under the weight of someone sitting down. I knew it was Rafe pulling me up into his arms. I clung to him, crying. Leo joined us, rubbing my back and stroking my hair soothingly.
“We’re right here, Lexi. Nothing’s going to happen to you. You’re with us now. Nobody’s gonna lay a hand on you,” he said into my hair.
“He’s right. We’ve got you. You’re okay. Here, let me take that jacket off you,” Leo said. I unzipped it myself and he helped me pull it off.
“Motherfucker,” Rafe said, when he saw the bruises on my throat, the ones on my arms as well.
He touched my neck with his fingertips so lightly, but I still shuddered. He leaned close to inspect the marks. I felt myself shaking. Then I felt his lips, soft against my skin, brushing the bruises, leaving the faintest trace of wetness on my throat. I felt a bright jolt of pleasure followed by a tidal wave of guilt. He’d kissed my neck the way you’d kiss someone’s scraped knee or bruised elbow, and I got some kind of sexual charge out of it. It had sent a wave of warmth rolling down my belly. My nipples tightened, my teeth going into my bottom lip.
Leo dropped my jacket, his hands s
troking my upper arms where I was bruised. He sat behind me, drew me back against his chest and held me. I rested against him, trying to calm myself from the touch of Rafe’s mouth on my skin. I was privately disturbed that I wanted him. I wanted Rafe, wanted to be in his big bed with him, stripped bare and welcoming his hands and his mouth on every inch of me.
Then Leo took my hand between both of his, matching up our fingers and aligning our palms, his hands bigger than mine. I could shut my eyes and imagine his hands all over me, those big hands moving down over my stomach and sliding beneath the waistband of my shorts. I shook myself. I was having dirty thoughts about my friends, my best friends, who were trying to protect me and take care of me. I was awful for even thinking of such things. I shouldn’t want them, shouldn’t crave that kind of connection with them.
Rafe and Leo were like brothers to one another almost, lifelong friends. I would never do anything to come between them, to hurt either of them. I resolved to stop thinking of either of them that way, to resist any stray impulse I felt toward the guys. I was grateful to them. It wouldn’t be more than that. If my body tried to respond, I’d shut it down without mercy. I’d think anything to get my mind back on solid ground.
But, God, it just felt so good to be held and touched. I wasn’t used to any kind of affection. My body wasn’t wired to understand nurturing and fondness, and I had to teach it to calm down, to be friends with no benefits.
“You could move in here,” Rafe’s voice startled me out of my reverie.
“You totally could. We’ve got room. And you wouldn’t be alone. You’d be with us, and you wouldn’t have to stare at the door,” Leo said.
I gaped at them. I couldn’t quite compute what they were saying. I didn’t need a babysitter, and I had a place of my own. I had even put in a new deadbolt without any help. I was perfectly able to take care of myself. I tried to put it into words.
“I know you’ve only known me for a few weeks, but Rafe here has been your self-defense teacher for what, a month and a half? And you’ve spent a lot of time with him. You know he’s safe, and even though you might be a little nervous about the temptation of living in close quarters with me, knowing how I look and that you might run into me in nothing but a towel after my shower, I assure you, any impure thoughts you might have about me are entirely normal and forgivable,” Leo said, trying to put me at ease.
I just stared at him and tried really hard not to laugh. I knew he was joking. I also knew that what they were offering made sense for the time being. Even in the short time I’d known them, I had come to rely on their friendship. I was really comfortable with both of them, and I’d spent time hanging out at their place enough to know that they were exactly what they seemed—best friends who shared the rent and the refrigerator and liked hanging out together. I trusted them completely. That wasn’t an issue at all. Agreeing to depend on them, to let them take care of me was the problem.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea for me. It’s really generous of you both, and I appreciate the offer more than I can say, but it won’t work. Thank you, though,” I said, struggling to sit up on the bed away from Leo’s arms and chest.
“Why won’t it work?” Rafe asked. “It could be temporary if that’s what you prefer—to keep your independence or your privacy or whatever. Look, there’s a guest room. It’s full of boxes. We can put a lock on it for you. You’d have the key. We’re not trying to lure you into our secret sex dungeon or anything,” Rafe said, trying to make light of it. But Rafe was too serious for that, too sincere. I saw that he was really confused as to why I said no.
“We won’t threaten your dates or give them a hard time,” Leo said. “And if you decide to do it in the shower, just hang some panties on the door so we don’t interrupt.”
“I’m not dating anyone,” I stammered.
“Well, I hope not. Because if you were and he had let you stay home alone after that attack we’d have to go kick his ass to the curb for you,” Rafe said. “But what Leo said is true. We won’t get in the way of your personal life. Just let us keep you safe. Keep watch over you so you’re not alone until everything with Watts is resolved. It was him wasn’t it?”
“Yeah. I went to his trailer. He got mad because he’d told me never to come back unless I was returning his daughter. I ignored that and went for my scheduled visit to talk to him about showing up for his parenting classes and stuff. His eyes were really dark, like the pupils were too big. I was ready in a way, like I went over the stuff you’d taught me, Rafe. I pointed my car out toward the road, and I had my keys on me. I even got out of the choke hold. I ducked my head straight down—”I broke off crying.
Rafe gathered me in his arms and held me. He rocked back and forth, shushing me softly. I knotted my fingers in his shirt, slowly calming down.
“Come here,” Leo said. I looked up from Rafe and went across the bed into Leo’s open arms. He hugged me, kissed the top of my head. “I’m going to let you take a nap and think it over. I’d stay in here and hold you, but I know you wouldn’t be able to resist, and you’d try to seduce me. So don’t make it weird. I’ll see you when you get up,” he said. I gave him a watery grin. “There’s that smile, Lexi. We care about you. Just let us take care of you for a while, okay?”
I shook my head, didn’t turn to watch him leave. I was alone with Rafe, the strongest, safest person I knew. I turned back to him, threw my arms around his neck.
“I don’t know what to do. I can take care of myself. I always have. I don’t need anyone to watch out for me. But I don’t want to hurt your feelings when you’ve been so good to me,” I admitted, “It’s just—no one’s ever wanted me wanted me around. Not even when I was a kid.”
“You’re wanted here, by us. We both like having you around. You know Leo’s full of shit, and he would never in a million years do anything to make you uncomfortable. Neither would I. We just want to take care of you, protect you. You’ve got this scrape on your face that’s the least of your injuries—and I can’t stand it. Come here,” Rafe said.
He brushed his thumb over the scrape on my cheek, kissed it softly. “I want to take away everything that hurts you. Starting with the idea that you’re not wanted. I want you here. We want you. So let us do this.”
Rafe stroked my hair, kissed my cheek again. I melted under the simple, platonic gesture, like I was some waif starved for affection. Except I wasn’t a waif. I was a woman. A woman with inappropriate horny thoughts about her best friends. Both of them. And if Rafe didn’t stop kissing my wounds tenderly, I was going to run screaming into the bathroom and barricade myself in there. He lay down on his side facing me, beckoned me to join him. I kept six inches between us on the bed, propped my head up on my hand. He touched my face, trailed his fingers down my neck so carefully and softly I thought I might moan. His hand rolled across my shoulder and down my arm. He took my hand in his and kissed it.
“We’re here for you if you need us. I just want you to know that. Now get some rest. You don’t have to give us an answer now. Do you want me to stay with you until you go to sleep?”
A tear seeped out of the corner of my eye against my will. He brushed it away with his thumb. The ache in my chest opened up, the feeling of being wanted and cherished just gutting me. I put a hand over my mouth and stifled a sob. He pulled me into his arms like I had known he would. His arms were the safest thing I’d ever known. I’d never be able to resist that, the dangerous sensation of being cared for and wanted by either or both of these men.
“Ok,” I whispered, “I’ll stay. But you have to promise to kick me out if I stay too long or become a nuisance.”
“Never,” he said, “Leo gets on my nerves all the time, and I let him stay. You can sleep here tonight, and we’ll get a lock on that door and your stuff moved in tomorrow. I’ll sleep on the couch. It’s big and comfy.”
“No, I’m not kicking you out of your bed. You can sleep in here. I’ll take the couch,” I insisted, my eyes drifting shut as
I leaned against him.
I promised myself as I fell asleep that I’d never do anything to hurt them. That I wouldn’t let a hint of my attraction spill out to cause trouble. They were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I would walk through fire before I came between them. I valued their friendship with me and with one another too deeply to ever risk that.
6
Rafe
She hadn’t lived with us for three weeks before I noticed that we were all staying home every night. Lexi had picked up Thai food after work. We ate it on the sectional in front of some stupid reality show she had us watching. We passed the cartons back and forth comfortably, eating out of each other’s containers. Her bare feet were on my leg. I set my carton down and rubbed her foot, massaging her slim ankle and under her heel until I felt the tension drain out of her. “Mmm,” she said, “that’s even better than these noodles. But now you have to go wash your hands because you touched my foot.” She wrinkled her nose. It was pretty damn cute.
I was so tempted to take her foot in my hands, raise it to my face and lick the arch in one luxuriant stroke just to feel her shiver. She would. A shudder would go through her whole body. I knew how sensitive she was to touch, how starved she was for it. Sometimes I had trouble not crossing that line. I wanted to make her feel good. At night I’d hear her get up to get a drink of water or something and have to make myself stay in my room. If I got up and found her in the kitchen in some little white scrap of a nightgown—my palms itched with the thought of taking her in my hands and making her moan.
“When was the last time you went out, Leo?” I asked him as he stole a noodle from Lexi’s carton.
“I went out last Tuesday night with the guys at work. How about you?”
I shrugged, “Penny came by and asked me out this morning.”
Double Dirty Page 4