The 6 Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make

by Sean Covey

  The Alphas are the Queen Bees, the ones to whom popularity means everything. The Queen Bees protect their clique at all costs and will boot out anyone who tries to threaten their reign. The Betas are known as the Wannabees. They will do whatever it takes to get in good with the Queen Bees.

  The Queen Bees and Wannabes are so caught up in the lure of popularity and staying there, they don’t realize that another group has one up on them. Wiseman called them the Gamma girls—kids who may not be known as the most popular, but they’re definitely not losers. Quite the opposite. They’re girls who are comfortable in their own skins. They’re not mean. They like their parents. They’re smart. And they think popularity is overrated.

  The article highlighted girls from Valhalla High School in California who “don’t long to be invited to parties; they’re too busy writing an opinion column in the school paper or surfing and horseback riding.” Gamma girl Reyna Cooke put it this way: “In order to fit in, I would have to wear certain clothes, have a certain girlie attitude, go to parties, smoke pot, and drink beer. It’s kind of degrading.” Instead, Gamma girls are involved in a variety of school, church, and social activities, and play competitive sports.

  Gammas were often picked on or made fun of before and because of it have developed independence and self-confidence. They have strong values, enjoy being with their families, and have decided to wait until marriage to have sex. Alphas and Betas look out! The Gammas are here to stay. (Sorry, guys. But this survival tip is more of a girl thing.)

  FRIENDSHIP SURVIVAL TIP #4

  If you’re tired of playing the Queen Bee and Wannabe game, be a Gamma girl.

  QUIRKS, FAULTS, AND FOIBLES

  Just like you, your friends are trying to figure out who they are and what the purpose of life is. They change their minds, have ups and downs, and make mistakes. Sometimes they even talk behind your back without really meaning any harm. Or they get a little jealous. Although you shouldn’t hang with friends who are regularly mean or act like jerks all the time, you should be tolerant of your friends’ everyday weaknesses and not overreact to the little mistakes they make.

  Forgive their little quirks, faults, foibles, and inconsistencies just as you hope they forgive yours.

  Kevin shared this story.

  One day before baseball practice, I set my drink down on the bleachers and went to the bathroom. When I got back, I took a big drink of my soda. Everyone started laughing hysterically. I found out that someone had spit in my drink. But instead of blowing up in front of everyone, I pushed the “pause” button in my mind. I had just read the 7 Habits and so I rehearsed in my mind making proactive vs. reactive decisions.

  After some time passed, I went up to the guy who spit in my drink and asked, “Why did you do that?” We talked it out, he apologized, and I forgave him because he was my friend. I went home that night feeling good about myself because I made the decision of talking it out, and I maintained our friendship. I realized sometimes with friends there are normal ups and downs, and the best thing to do is not to overreact, but to forgive and forget.

  Kevin followed the proverb that says,

  There’s a time to forgive our friends when they blow it. There’s also a time when you need to draw the line, as Kristine found out:

  A few times, my friend Cindi played some mean tricks on me. Once, she and her friend Monique took my swimsuit, underwear, and shorts and hid them from me. All I had to wear was a long T-shirt and I had to walk about a mile to get home. Other times Cindi would take me to parties up the canyon where there were beer kegs, even though she knew I didn’t drink, and would refuse to take me home. Of course I would get grounded. Then she would call, apologize, and promise to never do it again, and it’d start all over.

  It looks like Kristine needs to change friends. So should you if you’ve got a friend who’s continually using you or bringing you down. But there’s a big difference between that and hyperventilating over small hiccups. As Richard Carlson writes, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

  FRIENDSHIP SURVIVAL TIP #5

  Be quick to forgive your friends all their little faults, just as you hope they’ll forgive you yours.

  MEAN GIRLS, GOSSIPS, AND BULLIES

  Boys bully by threatening or pushing someone up against a locker. Girls bully in more subtle ways through backbiting, gossip, exclusion, name calling, rumors, and ever-shifting friendships, all carefully designed to inflict pain on targeted victims. That’s why the term mean girls was invented.

  Gossiping is especially nasty. Lacey’s mom thought Lacey ought to give homeschooling a try, so she pulled her out of the public middle school she was attending. It wasn’t much later that one of Lacey’s classmates started spreading rumors that Lacey was kicked out of school because she did something horrible. This rumor spread like wildfire. When she heard about the rumor, Lacey was devastated. Indeed, sticks and stones can break your bones but words can tear right through you. We should treat each other’s reputations with great care.

  If you are being gossiped about, there are a couple of things you can do. First, you may want to confront it. Instead of gossiping about the person who is gossiping about you, go directly to them and say something like: “I’ve heard that you’ve been talking about me behind my back. I’d really appreciate it if you’d stop doing it. I’m really not that bad a person when you get to know me.” It takes guts, but it will often shut them up, especially if you say it when you’re in control of your emotions. Be careful, however. Some people are so mean that confronting them might make the problem worse.

  Second, live above it. Sometimes the best thing to do is just ignore it and move on.

  Kaitlyn shared how she dealt with backbiting.

  “I am drum major in my school’s marching band and I’m only a junior. A lot of the seniors are extremely mad! I heard a lot of talking about me behind my back, but I decided not to lash back at them. Though they still talk about me, at least I was nice to them.”

  Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “Wait a minute, I’m the very thing you’re talking about. I’m the mean person, the bully.” If so, please start being nice. So many people are hurting. One mother told me that her daughter was picked on so badly during high school that she is still dealing with it today. And she graduated over ten years ago! Besides, “What do we live for if it is not to make life less difficult to each other?” wrote George Eliot.

  One of my favorite comedies is a classic called A Christmas Story. It’s about an insecure kid named Ralphie who has to deal with a bully named Scut Farkus. Ralphie is pushed around by Farkus (is that the ugliest name you’ve ever heard?) for years until one day Ralphie loses it, knocks down Farkus, and beats the crud out of him. I don’t ever recommend violence as a way of solving problems, but it was a funny scene.

  Bullying has changed a lot since Scut Farkus arrived on the scene. It tends to be less physical and more virtual. We call it cyberbullying. So what is cyberbullying exactly? It can take many different forms: spreading rumors on social media, sending mean text messages, posting embarrassing photos, creating fake profiles, and more. And it can be very damaging.

  Abby relates this story:

  All through high school I was quacked at and told I was ugly and that no one would ever love me. I had the same people make a fake Facebook account and message me and tell me that I was the ugliest duck they had ever seen. My parents talked to the school administrators and they confronted the bullies and made them apologize but the damage was done. It made it me feel really stupid and ugly. I actually thought that I looked like a duck! To this day I struggle with self-esteem issues.

  It is incredible that people could be so mean, but it happens. As technology changes, so do the bullying tactics. If you’re experiencing serious virtual harassment, whatever you do, don’t keep it to yourself. Ignoring it only makes it worse. Talk to your parents or a teacher about what’s happening. And please don’t be part of cyberbullying others yourself, as an instigator or an acc
omplice. You can also visit www.stopbullying.gov for more advice on how to deal with and even prevent bullying.

  FRIENDSHIP SURVIVAL TIP #6

  If people are gossiping about you or you’re being bullied, confront the bully or find a way to live above it.

  CRABS AND COMPETITION

  Crabs are funny creatures. If you put a few in a bucket, none will ever get out because as soon as one starts to make headway, the others will pull it back down. Do you ever feel this way? As soon as someone gets ahead everyone else gets jealous and starts pulling them down?

  It’s so natural to look around and compare your clothes, your looks, your abilities with others’. It’s so natural to want to compete, to win, to get ahead. It’s so natural to feel jealous when your friends succeed. But natural isn’t always good. In fact, competing with your friends is downright dangerous. Don’t get me wrong. Competition is good in things like sports and business. But it has no place in friendships.

  The cure for getting out of the rat race of competing and comparing is to practice Habit 4: Think Win-Win. It’s a frame of mind that says “Life is not a competition. I want to win and I want you to win. There’s enough success to go around.”

  Lora wrote me about the magic that happens when you let go of the need to compete.

  Dear Sean:

  It’s really hard trying to break the habits I’ve formed along the path of my life (16 whole years). One of the major things is that I’ve stopped trying to compete with this girl at school. She is very bumptious (sorry, I just learned this vocab word and think it is too cool! Bumptious means rude, forward, and pushy) and also interested in the same things I am so we’ve been pushed together a lot. In the past, I have let my dislike of her poison my enjoyment of certain things like the school play and speech tournaments.

  Well, I am getting so much better at this! I have forgiven her and moved on. Today, I wrote in my journal a note to myself telling me to remember, life is NOT a competition. And you know what? I feel SO MUCH BETTER! I feel like I have this huge burden off my back.

  Thinking Win-Win doesn’t mean that you cave in and let your friends walk all over you. That’s called Lose-Win and it’s not a healthy choice either. See if you can relate to this comment told by Sonya, a sixteen-year-old honor-roll student.

  I am a peacemaker with my family and friends. I always thought it was the easiest way out. I find myself not saying anything because I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. I never want to start an argument and find myself tearing myself down. I am a doormat. Everyone takes advantage of me. Everyone might be happy, but if I am not happy with myself, I will soon just burst.

  FRIENDSHIP SURVIVAL TIP #7

  When it comes to friendships, stop competing or comparing and start thinking Win-Win.

  HOW COME YOU DON’T KICK WITH US NO MORE?

  My best friend in elementary school was a guy named Paul. We were inseparable. We played on the same tennis, basketball, baseball, swimming, and football teams. We slept over at each other’s homes. We were the best of friends.

  When we got into high school, we went our separate ways. Paul didn’t abandon me and I didn’t abandon him, we just developed different interests. Paul went into basketball and I went into football. We started hanging out with different friends. We always felt a close bond—we just didn’t do much together anymore.

  Be open to the fact that you and your friends change, and that’s okay. Your best friend this year may not be your best friend next year, especially when you move from one school level to another, like from middle to high school. There’s a big difference between abandoning your friends and developing new friends because your interests have changed. So don’t get upset if you naturally start drifting apart because your interests take you in different directions.

  FRIENDSHIP SURVIVAL TIP #8

  Remember, you and your friends may change and pursue different interests and that’s okay.

  There are 101 everyday ups and downs in friendships. We’ve only touched on a few. But no matter how challenging friendships can be, we all need friends. They are the “bacon bits in the salad bowl of life.” As someone told me, “Friends in your life are like the pillars on your porch. Sometimes they hold you up, and sometimes they lean on you. Sometimes it’s just enough to know they’re standing by.”

  Making and Being a Friend

  I asked a few teens to define a true friend. Here’s what they said.

  A true friend:

  For some, making friends is a piece of cake. For others, it’s like pulling teeth. “I’m a loner at school,” Jose told me. “I just want to have someone to talk to and tell them about how my day has been and stuff like that. I guess my whole problem at school is not having self-confidence. I always feel ‘less’ than other people. I just can’t help it.”

  One high school girl wrote how hard it was to deal with being called “Shamu” by some kids at school because of her weight (how mean can you be?). She said, “It hurt that people never took the time to get to know me, they just saw me as the fat chick who was really loud and obnoxious.”

  Believe me, everyone is trying to find their place, feel accepted, and fit in.

  If you’re anxious to make and keep good friends and be a good friend yourself, read on. I’ll introduce you to seven essentials as to how to do it.

  BE SLOW TO JUDGE

  I’m convinced we cut ourselves off from all kinds of friends because we are too quick to judge.

  At Hilliard Darby High School in Ohio, teacher Susan Warline initiated a Mix It Up Day to promote tolerance and help students step out of their cliques and meet new faces. During lunch on this day, she encouraged students to chat with people they’d never talked to before.

  One student had come from Somalia to escape civil war and poverty in her country. At lunch, she boldly asked one of the jocks of the school, “Why do you call us ‘Smelly Somalians’?”

  He immediately shot right back, “Well, why are you here anyway? Why don’t you just go back to your own country?”

  She was silent for a few seconds. Then, in a soft voice, she told him how she saw her whole family get shot right in front of her, except for one brother and a few cousins that escaped. She told him how Somalia was controlled by warlords and how grateful she and her surviving family members were to live in a free country.

  You can imagine how stupid he felt. What a paradigm shift! Before they talked, all he knew was that she looked different, and he resented her. Now that he knew the full picture, he saw everything differently. As the saying goes, “Keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them!”

  This same teacher found that out of the 582 teens they surveyed in her school, 88 percent believed they were judged solely by their physical appearance.

  Furthermore, a majority felt they were judged on whether they were athletic or not and on the language they spoke. How would you like to be judged by those factors alone without anyone getting to know the real you? I guess high school hasn’t changed that much since I was there. Labels are still everywhere.

  Stephanie from Warren Central High put it this way. “It is way too often that you judge others, out of pure habit. Everyone, including myself, automatically makes a judgment of that random person you just passed in the mall, or at school, or anywhere without even realizing what you have just done.”

  Such was the case with Anna when she changed schools. “I didn’t know anyone at first. After I did make friends, they told me that I had come across as stuck-up. I couldn’t believe it. The truth was I kept to myself because I was so shy.”

  Go outside your comfort zone and get to know new people. There’s always more to a person than you think. Strangers are just friends waiting to happen.

  YOU MAKE THE EFFORT

  I know a girl who’s always complaining that her friends make no effort to include her. However, when I watch her interact with her friends, I realize that she makes no effort to include them, either.

  If you wa
nt to make friends, be proactive and make the effort first. Don’t just wait for friends to come to you. You need to take the first step and you need to persevere, if at first you don’t succeed.

  See if Angela’s story sounds familiar.

  I know all too well what it feels like not to belong to a group of friends. My first year of high school was a lonely time. I was not very self-confident or outgoing and desperately wanted to make friends.

  There was a large youth group at my church. The first time I went to an activity, I walked in alone and spent all of my time and energy trying to look like I was talking to someone. I told my mom I didn’t want to go back. But she asked, “How will you ever make friends if you aren’t there?”

  I wanted so desperately to belong to a group of friends that I went back alone, week after week with no success.

  One night we sang a song by Michael Smith called “Friends.” I was paying close attention to the words of that song and my eyes filled up with tears. Inside I was feeling so alone and worthless. Why didn’t any of these girls want to be my friend?

  At times your social life may consist of tending your sister’s kids Friday nights and watching the Disney Channel! It won’t always be like this. Keep trying and don’t shut yourself off by feeling sorry for yourself. I love motivational speaker Og Mandino’s words:

  “Always have faith that conditions will change.

  Though your heart be heavy and your body bruised and your purse empty, and there is no one to comfort you—hold on. Just as you know the sun will rise, so also believe that your period of misfortune must end. It was always so.