by Sean Covey
If you’re in a home where you are beaten or sexually molested, you must get help immediately. No one deserves to live under those conditions. Contact a relative or anyone you can trust, and tell them what’s happening. You may need to move out of your home or call the police directly. If you’re scared, visit the Help Desk in the back for a few other organizations you can contact. They have experts on these situations and can help you talk through the issue, and offer options and solutions.
LOVE AND FORGIVENESS
If your parents are totally dysfunctional, you don’t want to follow in their footsteps, but you can still love them and, however hard it may be, forgive them. Such was the case with a young girl named Liz Murray. I heard her share her life story and was touched by her deep love for her parents even though they completely neglected her and her sister.
Liz and her younger sister lived with their parents in the Bronx, New York. Both parents were drug addicts. Liz remembers the countless times kind strangers would carry her mother back from the bar, blood and vomit coating her ragged clothes. She would have to bathe her mother and get her into bed. Their apartment was smelly and filthy, and seldom was there food in the house because her parents spent their welfare checks on drugs.
“The first of the month was a holiday, and the mailman was Santa Claus,” says Liz. You see, that is when the welfare check would arrive. The whole family would go together to cash the check and Liz and her sister would get Happy Meals. Then the two girls would wait outside a building while her parents bought their drugs.
Her life, already a mess, unraveled further when her mother was diagnosed with HIV. Her family was separated, and Liz, a young teen, was sent to a group home. After many unpleasant experiences there, at the age of 15, she stuffed all that she owned into a backpack and headed out on her own. She sometimes slept at friends’ houses. Often she slept on park benches or, when it was cold, in the subway. Sometimes a couple of weeks would go by between baths.
Liz took care of her deteriorating mother until she died of AIDS. Liz was 16, and this was her wake-up call. “I saw these broken adults around me,” she said. “Maybe if I didn’t take charge of my life, I would become one of them…I had nothing and became terrified, and this fear drove me back to school.”
Despite being homeless, Liz poured herself into her studies. She took morning classes, night school, and Saturday classes. She studied everywhere—in hallways, stairwells, subways, you name it. After two years, she completed high school.
She then applied for a college scholarship sponsored by the New York Times. The application board was so impressed with her extraordinary life story she was awarded one of the six scholarships and was accepted at Harvard University. Since then, she has written a book about her experiences, Breaking Night, and helped direct a Lifetime Television movie, Homeless to Harvard. Today Liz is a married mother of two pursuing a master’s degree in psychology at Columbia University.
To me, the most amazing thing about this whole story is how Liz treated her parents throughout the whole ordeal. She had every right to hate them, but showed love in return. “Love is the answer,” says Liz when asked why she now takes care of her father after he neglected her for years.
“I’m not angry with my parents. They cared about me, and I loved them back. They were addicts since before both my sister and I were born, and probably should have never had kids. I’m grateful to them. They taught me things—they showed me which way not to go. But I also have good memories. I remember my mother coming into my bedroom at night, tucking me into bed. I remember her singing. If I could tell her anything today, I’d say, “Don’t worry about me anymore. I’m gonna be fine, and thank you for everything. And, I love you.”
BREAKING THE CYCLE
Life’s not fair. How is it that one kid grows up in a home where they are loved and made to feel like they are somebody and another kid grows up in a home where they are abused and made to feel worthless? If you’re the latter, you may ask: “What did I do to deserve this?” Well, you didn’t do anything to deserve it. It’s not right, and it’s not your fault.
You can do something about it. How? By breaking the cycle. If your parents are messed up, and their parents were messed up, you can break the cycle by not repeating those negative patterns in your own life, and by passing on good habits to your own kids someday.
You may be in a family that is drowning in sickness from drugs, violence, abuse, molestation, or neglect. It may have gone on for generations. But you can stop it from being passed on to your kids. You can rise above your childhood. Perhaps that’s why you were born into this family, to heal the sickness within it, to be a purifying influence, to be the stable one, the example that others can look to. If you’ve been abused, you can pass on love. If you’ve been neglected, you can show great care. If you were raised in a contentious home, you can build a peaceful one. You can change everything downstream.
Jesse was raised in a violent home but is now well on his way toward becoming a cycle-breaker.
When I was a small child, my mother was an alcoholic. She often left me in the car while she passed out inside the house. I was very aware that my mom and dad couldn’t work out their problems without violence. I remember vividly my mother falling to her knees as she was being punched at full force by my father. I felt helpless and all I could do was cry. I remember Mom crying too and pleading, “Don’t let Jesse see this, please.”
While I was still young, my parents were divorced. Because my mother was always drunk, Dad got custody of me, or “owned” me, as he liked to say. He beat me constantly during those years.
The last summer I was at my father’s house he was making me work doing hard labor, shoveling, carrying rocks and blocks close to 16 hours a day. One day I threw my shovel down and said I needed a break. He punched me and knocked me down. He then jumped on top of me and beat me senseless. I called the police that night for help.
When I turned 16, I took my father to court so I could move back in with my mom. She was definitely still an alcoholic but hid it to get custody of me. Mom would try to sober up but it never lasted more than six months at a time. While drunk, she would just lay on the bed for days, unable to function. When she was like this, she never cared about anything, even me. I never had anyone to tell me I did a “good job” and I had no support. I didn’t care about school, work, or life so I struggled and failed everything. I was miserable and became almost suicidal at one point.
At the end of tenth grade, Mom got really drunk and Dad found out about it. He went to court and I had to go back and live with him again, which really scared me.
Fortunately, my father had remarried a decent woman who was concerned about my struggles in life and took an interest in me. She also gave me a self-help book that really sparked me. My life immediately began to change for the better.
I had to make new friends because I could see the ones I had weren’t the best influence on me. Eventually, I stopped hanging out with them, as I realized they would have led me to a path of drugs. I took the initiative to go to my counselor and get help in school. For the first time, I had the desire and drive to finish high school instead of dropping out as my friends did. My counselor helped me get into college.
I started to believe that if I kept working hard and kept holding on, things would be better. I repeated that over and over to myself, and, for the first time, I had hope.
My new goals are to work hard, finish school, and one day have a good job and the money I need to support my family. More than anything, I want my kids to feel safe and supported in our home where they know their parents love them.
YOUR #1 INFLUENCE
There are a lot of myths about teens. One of the big ones is that teens don’t like their parents. Not true. Most teens like their parents, want to get along, and wish they could spend more time with them. In fact, you rank parents as the #1 influence in your lives, above friends, media, faith, heroes, or whatever else.
Tabitha is an example
of what I’m talking about. “My family isn’t perfect,” she says, “but we are all close to each other. I talk to my parents about most stuff, although I don’t tell them everything. We eat dinner together at night. We fight sometimes but eventually get along. I rarely stay at friends’ houses; I feel more comfortable at home. My friends come to my house to hang out because my parents make them feel like family. Everyone is always welcome at my house.”
There are so many fun things you can do with your parents. You can shoot hoops, go to a ball game, attend a concert, camp, hike, fish, go out to eat, bake cookies, watch the stars, go on Sunday drives, watch your favorite reality show, or listen to music. Even if you have only one thing in common, take advantage of it, as did Nicole.
I remember getting into some pretty big fights with my mom. It seemed like we could never get along. But one thing that we did have in common was our love of the theater. We both loved comedies and musicals. Once or twice a month, my mom would buy tickets for us to go to a play together. We would usually go to dinner before and have a chance to talk one-on-one. I remember always being in a good mood on these nights and being able to really open up to her and tell her about school and my friends and stuff. She would usually just listen on those nights. We made a connection that way. Looking back now, I see that she probably created those opportunities for us on purpose.
You’ve probably figured out by now that you can’t choose your parents. Sorry, but you’re stuck with them. That’s why what you choose to do about that feeling which exists between you and them is one of the 6 big decisions. So, what’s it going to be? Are you going to show respect or disrespect? Build the relationship or run away from it? Talk through your problems or fight about them?
I think you’re better off taking the high road, however hard it may seem at times. If your relationship is nonexistent, start making deposits today, no matter how small. Say “Please,” “Thank you,” “I love you,” and “How can I help?” often. From time to time, you’ll have to swallow your pride and obey unreasonable orders. Ten years from now, you’ll be so grateful if you have a sweet relationship with your mom and dad. So, never give up on your parents, just like you hope they never give up on you.
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Everything you’ve always wanted to know about dating and sex is in the next chapter. You wouldn’t want to miss that, would you?
1. In the space below, write down three huge deposits you could make into your parents’ Relationship Bank Accounts.
GINORMOUS PARENT DEPOSITS
* * *
* * *
* * *
2. Clean your room cleaner than it’s ever been. Then blindfold your mom or dad and tell them you have a surprise.
3. Today, use all four of the Magical Expressions at least once with your mom or dad:
4. Is there an issue you and your parents constantly argue about? If so, go to them and say, “Help me understand your point of view.” Then listen. Repeat in your own words what they are saying and feeling until they feel understood.
5. What is your favorite thing to do with your mom or dad? A movie? A Sunday drive? Eating out? Make plans together to do it again sometime soon.
Favorite thing to do with Mom or Dad ___________________________.
6. Invite your parents to be part of your life. Sometime this week, really open up and share what’s going on in that head of yours.
7. If your home is short on love, suggest a family-only night to your parents. Set apart one night each week to do something fun together as a family.
8. If you don’t see one of your parents too often, write him or her a note and express your love.
9. Select a ringtone on your phone that reminds you to be nice to your parents when they call, such as James Taylor’s “Shower the People.”
10. If your parents are alcoholics or hooked on drugs, or if you are in an abusive situation, get help! Don’t wait! Carefully consider the help sources suggested in the Help Desk.
Relationships are hard. lt’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. lf your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay. The day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
—Bob Ettinger, author
Here are some of the all-time cheesiest lines from old movie classics:
“Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time.”
Ilsa to Rick, Casablanca
“You said you couldn’t be with someone who didn’t believe in you. Well, I believed in you. I just didn’t believe in me.”
Blane to Andie, Pretty In Pink
“I always just hoped that, that I’d meet some nice friendly girl, like the look of her, hope that the look of me didn’t make her physically sick, then pop the question and…um…settle down and be happy. It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce and all that.”
Tom (James Fleet) in Four Weddings and a Funeral
“I love you. You’re my only reason to stay alive…if that’s what I am.”
Edward, a vampire, to Bella, a human, The Twilight Saga: New Moon
“You complete me.”
Jerry to Dorothy, Jerry Maguire
We’re all romantics at heart, so, if you’re like most teens, you probably skipped right to this chapter. Everyone wants to know all they can about love and romance, dating and sex. Welcome to the world of drama! Excitement and trauma included. Get ready and hold on.
Of all the decisions you’ll make as a teen this is probably the most important one. Why? Because these choices have big consequences which not only affect you, they affect many others. Once again, there is a high road and a low road. You can take the high road by dating intelligently, treating sex like it’s a big deal, and holding out for true love and commitment. Or you can choose the low road by dating brainlessly, treating sex like a toy, and fooling around as if there were no tomorrow. The good news is, you can glance down each road beforehand and learn from the successes and slip-ups of those who went before.
I really debated whether I should write this chapter because it’s so darn touchy, especially the sex part. On one hand, I don’t want to be careless or casual about something so delicate. On the other, I need to be brutally honest and share the facts. I’ll do my best to find the right balance. Of course, the best place to go for info on dating and sex is your parents. I don’t pretend to take their place. Just think of me as a supplement. The approach I’ve taken toward sex is neither religious nor political. It’s a principle-based and practical approach that applies to teens universally.
Dating and Sex Checkup
Perhaps this little checkup below will give you some idea of how you’re doing in this area. Total your score below and see what it tells you.
CIRCLE YOUR CHOICE
NO WAY
HECK YES!
1.
I carefully choose who I go out with and don’t date just anybody.
1
2
3
4
5
2.
I have decided beforehand what I will and won’t do on a date.
1
2
3
4
5
3.
My relationships with the opposite sex are based upon genuine friendship, not just the physical side of things.
1
2
3
4
5
4.
I feel good about the decisions I’m making when it comes to dating and sex.
1
2
3
4
5
5.
My romantic relationships are healthy.
1
2
3
4
5
6.
I’m well informed about STDs, pregnancy, and the emotional risks of having sex.
1
2
&n
bsp; 3
4
5
7.
I have not centered my life on a boyfriend or girlfriend.
1
2
3
4
5
8.
I have the courage to say no to things I don’t want to do.
1
2
3
4
5
9.
I treat my body with respect.
1
2
3
4
5
10.
I’m waiting until I’m in a long-term, committed relationship before having sex.
1
2
3
4
5
TOTAL
Add up your score and see how you think you’re doing.
You’re on the high road. Keep it up!
You’re straddling the high and low roads. Move to higher ground!
You’re on the low road. Pay special attention to this chapter.
This chapter is made up of three sections. The first one is all about that game we call dating. It’s called Intelligent Dating. Next, we’ll discuss The Four Great Sex Myths. Aren’t you curious to see what they are? Finally, we’ll take a look at the meaning of true love in Love Waits. Here goes…
Intelligent Dating
Intelligent Dating: dating successfully; being selective about who you date; hanging out and having fun; remaining steady through the natural highs and lows of romance; keeping your own standards.