by Sean Covey
Brainless Dating: dating ineffectively; dating anyone who has a pulse; becoming centered on your girlfriend or boyfriend; having your heart broken repeatedly; doing what everyone else seems to be doing.
Dating. Even the word conjures up all kinds of emotions—good and bad. Everyone is always talking, thinking, reading, praying, and worrying about it.
By dating I simply mean the process by which guys and girls get to know each other. Don’t get hung up about my choice of the word dating. I could use words like: going out, hanging out, or seeing someone. Your grandparents called it courting. Their grandparents called it something else.
In the world of dating, everyone seems to fall into one of the following seven camps. Sometimes they straddle two. Pick which camp you’re mostly in.
Camp l Wish: You don’t date and you wish you did.
Camp Who Cares?: You don’t date and you really don’t care.
Camp This Rocks!: You really enjoy dating and you wonder why everyone else doesn’t.
Camp Help!: You’re stuck in a bad dating relationship you can’t get out of.
Camp Never Again: You just had your heart broken and don’t want to start dating again.
Camp Hanging Out: You don’t really date, you just sort of hang out. You see dating as an old-fashioned ritual.
Camp Curious: You’re too young to date, but you’re really curious about it.
Regardless of where you are, you can become an intelligent dater by following the principles in this section. Let’s start by answering some questions.
1. WHAT SHOULD I EXPECT?
Expect lots of drama. Dating is complicated and emotional, full of highs and lows. Watching my brothers and sisters play the dating game was like living in a soap opera. Cynthia, my oldest sister, fell in and out of love on a regular basis. She had so many boyfriends: Mark the meat man, Steve the scholar, Vic the Virginian, Castellano the Italian, Lennon the ripped, and Jake the Greek God. Cynthia even had a life-sized photo of Jake in her room. Weird!
My brother and I used to sneak into her bedroom and read her journal. I’ll never forget the entry where she wrote in big bold letters: “I love to kiss!” As a young kid, I was shocked that my sister had actually kissed someone. Sick!
And then there was my older brother Stephen who had a jealous streak as wide as the Grand Canyon. He fell in love with a girl named Vicki. One night he made me hide with him behind some shrubs near her home, like spies, to see if Vicki’s date tried something at the door.
And I can’t forget my little sister, Colleen, the ultimate drama queen. She’d literally be on cloud nine one minute and bawling the next over some guy. I get exhausted even thinking about it. Yes, dating is dramatic.
Expect fickleness, pickiness, and indecisiveness. Let’s face it, when it comes to romance, teens are indecisive, fickle, choosy, nitpicky, fussy, and unpredictable. This is normal. You’re young. You aren’t sure what you want. So you have a right to be this way.
As a teen, I was as fickle as a chameleon. I liked a different girl every week. I’d be attracted by the simplest thing, like the way some girl flipped her hair. And I’d get turned off by the stupidest thing, like the time I stopped liking this girl because it bugged me that she wore T-shirts all the time. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. I was just immature. I didn’t know how to communicate my feelings, like lots of other teenage boys. I like how comedian Conan O’Brien said it:
“A study in the Washington Post says that
women have better verbal skills than men.
I just want to say to the authors of that study:” ‘Duh.’
Girls aren’t too different from boys. Christie, a senior in high school, sounds just like I felt:
I’m completely stressed out about guys. I’ve had a boyfriend for about nine months and want a change. He sometimes gets mad when I hang out with my friends and go to parties. His being like this is ruining our relationship and I’m considering breaking up with him. On top of all this I have a secret crush no one knows about. Now I’m stuck in a hard place and there’s no way out. I’m not sure how to handle all this.
Christie is unsure and indecisive about who she likes. Her boyfriend might be feeling just the same way. To some degree, everyone’s playing mind games with each other. Can you see why it’s not smart to take dating and romance too seriously while you’re young? Now’s the time to explore, get to know lots of different people, and be free to change your mind.
Expect to make a fool of yourself. If you’re like most teens, you’re going to make dumb mistakes from time to time. Common dating blunders include:
• Saying something really stupid like, “So what’s your name again?”
• Being so shy that you can hardly carry on a conversation.
• Giving your date the cold shoulder when you don’t really mean it.
• Leading on your date to believe you’re in love with them when you’re not.
• Passing gas (it happens, believe me!).
Michael shared this.
It was homecoming and I was excited for my first date. My friend Steve asked Lori and I picked a cute girl named Kaitlyn. We have a tradition at our school of doing a predate activity so several of us went up the canyon in the afternoon and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and played some games. I kept noticing that Steve kept hanging around Kaitlyn and talking her ear off. It was obvious that he was more interested in my date than his. He sat down next to her with me on the other side while his date sat down alone.
It kind of ticked me off, but since it was my first date I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t say anything. I could tell Steve’s date, Lori, felt really stupid and didn’t know what to do either. It was awkward for everyone. Steve didn’t seem to even notice.
The next day, Steve was in a really bad mood. When I asked why, he said he had just gotten yelled at by Lori’s friends who said he acted like a jerk. Lori felt so bad she didn’t even want to go to the dinner and dance with him. He didn’t know his flirting was so obvious, and realized he had made a complete fool of himself. He felt really bad that he made Lori so uncomfortable. To top it off, his date cost him seventy-five bucks, and all he got out of it was a bad reputation.
Yup, Steve blew it and you might blow it too, occasionally. In fact, some dates might be downright miserable. That’s okay, just learn from it. Dating will teach you communication and adaptation skills you’ll need to survive in the real world. For example:
• Are you so shy that it makes your date uneasy and they have to carry the entire conversation?
• Do you laugh at your date’s expense when you’re trying to be funny?
• Do you come across as rude or sarcastic?
• Do you have the social skills to meet your date’s parents and answer their questions so they like you?
• Did you pay attention to your parents’ lessons on manners, such as how to eat a steak without picking it up off the plate, and not talking and chewing at the same time?
• Do you know how to dance, how to order politely at a restaurant, how to plan a fun night that doesn’t include Xbox, and to have options if things don’t work out?
• If something goes wrong on a date, can you handle it, or do you lose your cool?
If you’re struggling with any of these, be patient and keep practicing. Dating will help you work the kinks out.
2. WHO SHOULD I GO OUT WITH?
When you’re choosing someone to date, what’s the first thing you notice about them? Their personality? Right—let’s get real. The first thing you go for is their looks. You can’t help it. Being attracted to someone is where it all starts, but there is so much more to a person than looks.
My friend and colleague Durelle Price teaches a seminar on intelligent dating in which she compares dating to choosing a car. Have you ever gone with someone to buy a car, maybe a parent or friend? Did they walk onto the car lot and wait for the salesperson to choose a car for them? Absolutely not! Usually they did a ton of resea
rch beforehand and developed a mental wish list of things they’ve gotta have and things they can do without. They might decide that the make, color, and reliability of the car are must-haves and that they could do without the sunroof, fuel economy, and warranty.
Intelligent daters put the same brain matter into choosing a date. They don’t just let it happen to them. They have a wish list of character traits and interests they’ve gotta have. They also have a list of things they can do without. So what is it that you must have? Do you have to have good looks? Do you have to have someone who’s nice? Fun? Smart? Focused? Nice to children? Liked by your parents? Liberal? Do you want someone that brings out the best in you?
What can you do without? What if your date isn’t that popular? Or doesn’t dance well, or doesn’t have a car? Can you do without those? What if they aren’t that fashionable or don’t get the best grades? Are those deal breakers for you?
Spend a few minutes and fill out the list below.
My Dating Wish List
GOTTA HAVE
CAN DO WITHOUT
1.
1.
2.
2.
3.
3.
4.
4.
5.
5.
6.
6.
Bottom line—begin with the end in mind. A key step to becoming an intelligent dater is to get clear on what’s really important to you and where you won’t compromise. Don’t date just anyone. Be choosy.
3. WHAT IF I NEVER GET ASKED OUT?
If you’re 19 and you’ve never been kissed or if you’re a senior in high school and never been on a date or only a few, big deal.
Consider yourself LUCKY you haven’t had to deal with all the drama.
If you really want to date, there’ll be plenty of time for that in the years ahead. Dating is not a contest to see who can land the most boyfriends or girlfriends or collect the most kisses.
I know a young woman who won the talent pageant at her high school. She’s an incredible pianist and dancer and is strikingly beautiful. I also know that upon graduating from high school, she’d only been on a couple of dates. She was a little shy and preferred spending time with her friends and family. Now that she’s in college, she’s starting to date more.
There are lots of great guys and girls who don’t date much in their teen years and that’s perfectly okay. They’ll have many opportunities ahead. So don’t stress out about it or feel like something’s wrong with you.
Never forget, there are many alternatives to dating and different ways to get to know other boys and girls. Just be friends, hang out in groups, and do stuff together without officially labeling it a “date.”
However, if you really want to date, but aren’t, here are a few questions you may want to ask yourself:
• Am I friendly with everyone?
• Instead of waiting to be asked, could I ask someone instead?
• Am I making up excuses for not dating?
• Am I doing everything I can to make myself attractive?
You don’t have to have the perfect genes or body type to be attractive. A leading dating service did an informal survey of singles to find out what they considered to be the biggest turn-ons. Here’s what they found:
It’s interesting that all items on the list are completely within your control—except maybe the cool car.
4. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE TEENS MAKE WHEN DATING?
This one’s easy. It’s becoming centered on your girlfriend or boyfriend.
There’s nothing wrong with having a boyfriend or girlfriend, but if you begin to center your life on them, you’re begging for a breakup. Too often, what started as a friendly relationship turns into a possessive relationship. Your boyfriend or girlfriend becomes the most important thing in your life, and you can’t think about anything else. You become addicted to them, as it were. Here are three signs that suggest you might be girlfriend or boyfriend centered:
• Your mood each day is dependent on how your girlfriend or boyfriend treats you.
• You become possessive and jealous.
• You stop spending time with your friends and family and spend virtually all of your time with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
When I was 16, all I could think about was Mandy, Mandy, Mandy. She was a flirt, and I got terribly jealous and possessive. I think she enjoyed the control she had over me, owning the remote control to my emotions. I didn’t like what being Mandy centered did to me. It cut me off from my friends and family and I stopped having fun.
It’s ironic but true that the more you center your life on a girlfriend or boyfriend the more unattractive you become to them. You usually end up losing the very person you build your life around. Stephanie shared this:
I’ve had a problem with being boyfriend centered. My ex-boyfriend was my world, my 100 percent center—nothing else existed. I did not realize it because I wanted to be with him 24/7. The more I wanted to be with him, the less he wanted to see me. The closer I got to him, the more he pushed me away.
Looking back, I realize how unattractive that made me. There was no chase, no fun, no wondering about anything because it was already there, in his face, all the time. Relationships are more fun when they’re surprising and spontaneous, not planned and obsessive. I was the one who always felt like I needed to have those sickening where-do-we-stand talks.
Eventually, Stephanie and her boyfriend broke up because he couldn’t take it anymore. You see, when you center your life on a boyfriend or girlfriend, it becomes your paradigm, the pair of glasses through which you see the world. As a result, the other important things in your life, like school, friends, and family, get distorted.
You can like and date someone without centering your life around them. As discussed in earlier chapters, the only true center is one based on principles, the natural laws that rule the universe. By maintaining the proper center, you’ll be stabler, more confident, and less dependent upon how others treat you. Remember, very few of us wind up marrying the people we date in high school. So even though you may be convinced your current boyfriend or girlfriend is the one, they most likely aren’t.
5. HOW WILL I KNOW WHEN IT’S TIME TO BREAK UP?
There are four types of relationships: Win-Win, Win-Lose, Lose-Win, Lose-Lose. If your relationship is based on anything other than Win-Win, you need to fix it or break it off.
Win-Win: The relationship is good for both of you. Enjoy it!
Example: Kiran and Sonia date each other but also date other people. They have a lot of fun together. Their relationship is based on friendship. They bring out the best in each other.
Win-Lose: The relationship is good for you but bad for them. Fix it or get out!
Example: Jasmine gets lots of social mileage out of her boyfriend, Carlos. He’s popular and all her friends tell her how lucky she is. She expects Carlos to be totally devoted to her and to call her every day. Carlos, on the other hand, feels totally controlled by Jasmine and doesn’t want to be tied down. He just wants to have fun and be free.
Lose-Win: The relationship is bad for you but good for them. Fix it or get out!
Example: Laura’s been going with Quinton for three years now. He was sweet to her at first but is now verbally abusive and controlling. Quinton likes having a girlfriend who’s all his. Laura feels locked in and doesn’t know how to get out.
Lose-Lose: The relationship is bad for both of you. Get out fast!
Example: Jackson and Emery are totally centered on each other. They constantly fight and accuse each other of cheating and flirting. They keep breaking up but keep getting back together because they’re dependent upon each other. They often tell each other “I love you!” and “You’re such a jerk!” within the same conversation.
Another way to know when it’s time to break up is to watch for red flags—warnings that something isn’t right. Take them seriously. Here are five red flags to consider.
1. Ultimat
ums. In college, I had a girlfriend who would call me the night before I’d be playing a game on national TV and say, “Are you committed to me or not? You need to decide by tomorrow morning or I’m leaving.”
Well, tomorrow would come and she’d back off. But then, two weeks later, she’d give me another ultimatum. Finally, I could see the red flag, and we broke up. I only wished I’d done it sooner.
Often, the ultimatums are more serious, such as: “You’d better stop flirting with him or you’re going to pay for it,” or “You’d better sleep with me or I’m leaving you.” Ultimatums are a sign of immaturity and control and should warn you to break it off.
2. The savior complex. This is when you feel you want to change someone or save them from themselves. Observe how Joie got sucked into this and can’t see her way out:
I was with a guy for two years. Most of the two years was horrible. He had lots of problems and I tried to change him. I have learned you can’t change anyone. I would drive around looking for him making sure he was all right. For some reason, I can’t leave him alone. It finally caught up with him, and he is in jail. I still love him with all my heart and would do anything for him. I hope after he gets help he will be a better person and we can work out our problems.
Guess what, Joie? You said it yourself. You can’t change people. They can only change themselves. Move on.
3. Lies. If someone’s lying to you, your relationship is based on hot air. My friend Annie interviewed a girl named Astrid about her boyfriend. Here are a few lines from that interview: