Love & Redemption

by Chantel Rhondeau

  “Shell?” His voice was tender. “You’ve said a few times, even before we came here to your dad’s, that you were proving you didn’t need a man in your life. I can tell you feel guilty right now, but it wasn’t your fault. You were a child.”

  “I made my choices, Gavin.” She glanced at him, but quickly looked away. She wasn’t used to pity, and that’s what his eyes held. “Sometimes I think we’d all be better off if I’d drowned that day on the lake. I know Rick thinks so.”

  “What?” Gavin shifted from foot to foot, and Shelley saw his hands clench into fists in her peripheral vision. “If your dad thinks that, he’s an idiot and an asshole! Why do you think he wants you dead?”

  Shelley shook her head. She wished there were some chance she was wrong, but there wasn’t. “Rick blames me for killing Tony, his pride and joy. And I think, partly, Rick is jealous of me. Tony never made it a secret that he loved me best.”

  “Tony? You’ve mentioned him a few times now.” Gavin’s warm fingers closed around her cold ones. “Who was he?”

  “The best big brother in the world.” Shelley squeezed Gavin’s hand, unable to stop the tears that gathered in the corners of her eyes. “And I miss him so much.”

  Suddenly, Gavin’s arms surrounded her and he held her close to his chest. Shelley rested her head against his shoulder, letting her tears fall unchecked. Gavin smelled of stale bacon grease and cheap deodorant instead of the fancy cologne he’d worn the first night they met. All because of her, so she could buy makeup.

  “I’m sorry, Shelley,” he whispered, running his hand through her hair and down her back. The stubble on his face brushed her skin when he laid his cheek against hers. “Let it out. It’s okay. I’m here for you.”

  For the first time since Tony died, a man was looking after her.

  And she felt safe.

  ***

  After several minutes, Shelley pulled herself together and moved from his arms. Gavin couldn’t very well argue and force her to stay, but he felt empty without her.

  She’d come across as such a self-confident, assured person when he first met her. Mix that in with a heavy dose of rudeness, and Gavin thought he had her figured out. Obviously there was much more to her, but he hated that so much heartache and sadness was behind Shelley’s apparent attitude problem.

  Once she had completely composed herself, she did take his hand in hers. Gavin tried not to be too ridiculously pleased by that, but it had been a long time since a woman willingly came to him, wanting his comfort and affection. Seeing Shelley’s vulnerable side and having her reaching out for him was even more alluring than her model-type good looks.

  After they stood for several minutes holding hands, Gavin finally broke the silence. “Do you want to tell me about Tony?”

  “I haven’t visited his grave for so long. It was my last stop before leaving town before.” She stared at the cemetery. “Do you mind if we go over there?”

  “Not at all.”

  Graveyards weren’t Gavin’s first choice for a place to take a lady, but maybe visiting Tony’s grave would help Shelley find some sort of peace.

  They entered the cemetery and walked over several rows before Shelley turned up one, zeroing in with unfailing certainty on the grave she wanted. She might not have visited it in fifteen years, but she obviously never forgot Tony or stopped thinking about him.

  They finally stopped at a large granite headstone. Weather had taken a toll on the stone, dulling the shiny finish to a dusky gray in many places. Weeds and early spring grass partially obscured the words, blocking the dates at the bottom.

  “Anthony Lewis Soother. Beloved son.” An exasperated sound escaped Shelley’s throat. “Dad didn’t put anything about ‘beloved brother.’ That’s when I realized he blamed me entirely for Tony’s death. A week after the funeral, Grandma Haddy picked me up and took me to live with her. I didn’t see my dad, even in passing, for almost three years.”

  Shelley crouched, pulling weeds and leaves from the edge of Tony’s stone. “Guess Mom quit coming out here to take care of this. Must have upset Dad too much.”

  Gavin got down beside her, helping clear the space. “Sometimes it’s easier to let the past go. Maybe visiting was too hard on Janet.”

  Shelley cocked her head toward him and raised her eyebrows. “You sound like you know from experience and agree that she shouldn’t come to the graveside.”

  Thinking about his mom and how destroyed she was after his father’s death wasn’t something Gavin wanted to do right now. He wished she would have stopped visiting Dad’s grave and focused on pulling her life together. Maybe things could have been better. “I do have experience with this, but we’re talking about you. Maybe I’ll share my sad story later.”

  Shelley’s tongue ran across her lip and she squinted at him, appearing like she wanted to prod for more information, but then she shrugged. “Fair enough. One likely doesn’t become a thief because their life’s been wonderful.” She reached across the small space between them and lightly stroked his cheek with one finger, sending a shudder through Gavin. “But whenever you want to talk, I’m here for you.”

  “Bonding over how terribly our parents reacted to awful tragedy and left us on our own?” He forced a laugh. “Sounds like a match made in heaven, Shell.”

  The corners of her mouth twitched into a grin, though warmth didn’t reach her eyes, and she went back to clearing weeds. “If we share that bond, I have more in common with you than most people I spend much time with.”

  He wasn’t sure what to make of that. “Sorry you’re forced into being with me.”

  She stood up, brushing her hands on her pants. “It’s been fun, actually. I like seeing you go head to head with Dad and coming out in the lead.”

  So, she had fun spending time with him. Gavin filed that away to contemplate later, but it seemed like a promising start.

  “Tony would have liked you,” she said, unexpectedly, holding out her hand and helping him to his feet. “I’m sure he’s terribly disappointed in my choices, but you’re just the type of guy he would have enjoyed taking out and teaching to shoot a gun, going fishing, and finding out if you were good enough for his baby sister.” She stopped talking and looked at Gavin, her eyes wide. “I mean, if we were really together and not just pretending.”

  Gavin put his arm around her waist and pulled her to his side, looking down at their work. Tony’s grave looked much better, as though someone cared. He wondered how neglected his own parents’ graves looked. He hadn’t been there for years, and there was no one else to care.

  “I’m not saying this is an ideal circumstance.” He caught Shelley under the chin and lifted her head so their eyes met. “But who says this has to be entirely pretend?”

  Her eyebrows narrowed. “I don’t understand.”

  That made him pause. Did she really not understand, or had he read her wrong? Maybe Shelley wasn’t attracted to him and was playing stupid.

  Gavin sighed. Only one way to find out. It wasn’t like he hadn’t faced an even more humiliating rejection at Crystal’s manipulative hands earlier in the year.

  “I’m going to be involved with Nick and the same people you are,” he said. “Our paths will continue to cross.” He stroked her cheek softly, staring into her eyes and hoping she felt at least a spark of attraction. It would be an awkward couple days until Nick came to their rescue otherwise. “When this mess is all sorted, why don’t we try going on some dates?”

  Shelley stared at him for a few seconds without blinking, her clear blue eyes holding an emotion he couldn’t read. She shook her head slightly, not seeming to really mean ‘no.’ “I told you, I’m trying to stand on my own, without a man.”

  “You told me you’re looking for the right man,” he argued, not willing to give up easily. “What if that man’s me?”

  “You know the truth, Gavin.” She looked down. “You know that I’m...that I’m a...” She sighed and pushed him away, spreading her arms w
ide. “I’m a slut, Gavin. Who wants to have a relationship with that? But I don’t want to be a booty call. Not anymore.”

  “I didn’t ask you to be a booty call, I asked you to date me.” Catching her hands, Gavin pulled her back to him. “The only person calling you a slut, besides your jerk of a father who needs to be punched in the face, is you.”

  She still wouldn’t meet his eyes, so Gavin placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and wrapped his arms around her.

  “I’ve stolen things, just to survive in life,” he continued. “I’ve used people. I’ve spent time in jail. I’ve made mistakes. Does that make you hate me?”

  She shook her head slightly, still not saying anything, but also not pulling away.

  “Isn’t it possible, then,” Gavin went on, “that we should both forgive ourselves for the mistakes of our past and move forward with life? We need to be the people we are now.”

  A small squeak of laughter sounded in his ear and she leaned her cheek against his.

  “What’s so funny?” he asked.

  “You just stole those diamonds two nights ago, Gavin.” The squeak turned into a titter and her arms went around his waist, holding him against her while mirth overcame her. “And the only reason I haven’t slept with anyone in the past three months,” she got out through her giggles, “is because I got shot protecting Carlie and wasn’t up to that much activity. It’s not so much the people we were in the past as ten minutes ago.”

  Gavin chuckled too. “I’m not saying we’re perfect, okay?”

  She moved away from him and wiped at her eyes, still smiling. “Obviously.”

  “I’m just saying, I’m not going to judge you, I’d appreciate if you didn’t judge me, and maybe we should see if there’s anything between us.”

  She bit her lip, suddenly turning serious. “I do like you, Gavin. You seem sweet and loyal and funny, but you don’t know everything yet.”

  Gavin looked at Tony’s grave, remembering that Shelley mentioned her father blamed her for killing Tony. She’d been seven when he died. Whatever happened, it couldn’t have been her fault.

  “Tony doesn’t blame you, Shell.”

  “I hope you’re right.” She slipped her hand into his. “It was his decision to go on the lake that day, but I’m the one who complained it was too hot.”

  “Did you say there was a bar here?” Gavin asked.

  “Just up the main road.”

  “Why don’t we get a soda or something, and you can tell me what happened?”

  Shelley nodded, though paused a moment to take another look at Tony’s headstone. “I miss you,” she whispered, and then turned toward the entrance.

  Chapter Twelve

  They entered the deserted bar, and Shelley blinked to adjust her eyes from the bright sun to the interior glum. It was a bit too early for anyone to frequent the bar on a Monday, except for the resident alcoholics.

  Two men sat on stools, furthest from the door as possible. Shelley didn’t recognize them, but judging from their ill-kempt hair and straggly beards, it didn’t appear they left those seats often.

  She and Gavin walked to the bar, and the old man behind the counter turned to greet them. Although his belly was larger and his hair grayer, Mr. Darrell looked almost the same as he had the last night she’d seen him. The night he drove to Essex to bail her and his son out of jail for public nudity.

  “Felicia,” he said in a gravely voice, the spark of recognition not missing him either. “Never expected to see your pretty face around here again.”

  More like hoped not to.

  Shelley smiled. “Came to visit Mom for a few days. How’s Barrett been?”

  Mr. Darrell sighed and shook his head. “I know I blamed you that night for getting him into trouble, but that was just a father who didn’t want to see the truth. Barrett’s in prison.” He shrugged. “Armed robbery and a few other things. He got a little wild after you left.”

  Gulping, Shelley remembered how Barrett had begged her to run away with him the night before she left for her big shot at modeling. As bad as that turned out, it looked like life wouldn’t have been any better with Bad Boy Barrett. “I’m sorry to hear that, sir.”

  “Yeah, me too.” He pulled two glasses from beneath the counter. “What can I get you and your friend to drink?”

  “I was really hoping you had some coffee back there,” Shelley said hopefully. “Mom and Dad don’t drink it.”

  He smiled and turned to the pot behind him, filling two mugs and handing them across the counter. “It’s pretty darn good, even if I do say so. I hope you like it strong, though.” He jerked his head to the end of the bar. “Something has to keep those two partially sober.”

  Shelley nodded gratefully and emptied a round cup of creamer into her mug. “Strong is great by me.”

  She led Gavin past the old pool tables in the center of the room to a booth in the back and slid onto the cracked vinyl bench. Though she expected Gavin to take the other side, he placed his coffee mug next to hers and scooted beside her.

  “So, Barrett...he’s my competition?” His green eyes twinkled beneath the low-hanging lamp over their table. “I didn’t know you had a man waiting for you here.”

  “Apparently,” she said softly, “he’s waiting in prison, but who’s keeping track?”

  Gavin shrugged. “Guess it’s good to know time behind bars doesn’t automatically knock me out of the running.”

  Taking a sip of the hot coffee, she decided it was time to find out more about his past. “What were you in for? Theft?”

  He nodded. “And drugs.”

  Shelley felt her mouth make a small ‘O’ of surprise and she quickly closed it. He hadn’t shown any judgment about her past; she shouldn’t judge him.

  “I didn’t do drugs,” he quickly amended, clasping his hands around the coffee mug and staring at it intently. “Just a job to make some money so me and Mom could eat. The drug charges on top of the theft got me thrown in juvie for four years. Probably saved my life.”

  He finally looked up. Shelley couldn’t be sure, but moisture seemed to lurk in his eyes.

  “Too bad Mom could never get off the drugs.” He shook his head and blinked a few times. “Killed her before I got out. Her friend told me that once she started on meth, it really didn’t take all that long.”

  Though Gavin no longer looked like he was going to cry, Shelley blinked back a few tears of her own. All this time she’d felt sorry for herself because her father was an asshole and her brother was dead, and Gavin must have been thinking that at least she still had her parents. Things could be worse.

  “I’m sorry, Gavin,” she finally managed.

  He shook his head. “Don’t be. She’s at peace. I had a good childhood, but Pop died in a work accident when I was ten. Mom never could let go of the pain of losing him, and she turned to drugs. Blew all the money his company gave us in the settlement pretty quick, and then we lived on the streets. We visited his grave every day, unless Mom was too messed up.”

  Gavin’s tone was so flat and devoid of emotion, Shelley was sure the memories must hurt more than he let on. No wonder he’d tried to deflect attention from his own life earlier. She leaned into him, and Gavin put his arm around her shoulder, pulling her against his chest like he’d done outside the cemetery.

  Shelley held him close, doing her best to comfort him. “I wish you’d had a grandma around to help you.”

  He buried his face in her hair, breathing in deeply. “I would probably still have made bad choices, Shell. That’s what I was trying to explain. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is, you need to forgive yourself for the past and move forward. We can’t stop the decisions made by people we love, and we can’t change the choices we made in the past.” His lips lightly brushed her cheek as he moved back from her. “All we can change is the future.”

  “You’re right.” She took a drink, remembering what Gavin told Nick. “Sounds like you did pretty well for yourself after getting out
of juvenile detention. Running a fancy hotel and everything. You must have started making good choices earlier than me.”

  “Maybe, but I still trusted the wrong person and got stabbed in the back, which led me right back to stealing diamonds.” He shrugged. “Enough about that. Tell me about Tony.”

  Shelley closed her eyes, drawn back to that last day on the lake as if it was yesterday. The hot sun beat down on her as she sat in the rowboat. Tony’s bright blue eyes and white smile glimmered at her when he teased about the neighbor kid leaving a flower on the front porch that morning.

  They made plans to talk Dad into taking them out to the firing range once it cooled off that evening. Tony had just started teaching her, and she loved it. Even the kick of the gun didn’t frighten her. She knew Tony would never let her do something dangerous. He loved her and took care of her. He’d always be there for her.

  “We had a summer home at Lake Champlain.” Shelley kept her eyes closed, remembering the crystal blue water and green mountains surrounding it. “Mom and Dad went to get groceries that afternoon. We weren’t supposed to go on the water without them home, but Tony was sixteen, nearly an adult. I said I was too hot, and he said we should take the rowboat out on the lake where it was cooler. He promised we’d get home before our parents. No one would ever know.”

  “Classic rebellion against your father.” Gavin shifted slightly. “I’m guessing Rick was pretty strict with Tony?”

  Shelley opened her eyes and sipped her coffee. “Tony was skilled at martial arts and Dad put a lot of pressure on him to keep that up, win competitions and such. Tony wasn’t really allowed to date or have any fun. I didn’t realize it as a child, but looking back, I’m sure he must have resented that quite a bit.”

  “And you were a wedge that came between him and your father?”

  Shelley wondered how Gavin knew that. Maybe just the way Rick acted now. “I wanted to join karate and shoot guns and do stuff with the boys. Dad said no, but Tony started refusing to go unless Dad let me tag along. I went everywhere with Tony from about the age of four until...that day.”