Bittersweet

by K. S. Thomas

It isn’t until long after my tea cup is empty, our tears have dried and Mr. Nigellus has come along to curl up in my lap that Carter speaks again.

  “Tell me, with all of these motherly instincts running rampart in your body already, do you know what we’re having?” He leans back into his seat, resting his head, but eyeing me curiously.

  “Maybe.” My shoulders bounce with excitement. “I think it’s a girl.”

  He laughs. “Another Harper woman. Lord help us all.”

  I grin. “Well, she won’t be all Harper. There’ll be some Carter in there as well.”

  “Yeah, I’m not sure that’s any better. You’ve met my family.” He teeters his hand back and forth gesturing just how unreliable he feels that gene pool is.

  “Well, they still managed to produce you,” I counter.

  “Yeah, I’m not entirely convinced I wasn’t adopted. You know that. I mean, come on. You’ve seen the family pictures. I’m the only one with dark hair and hazel eyes in a sea of blond and blue. It’s more than a little suspicious, don’t you think?” Obviously. I mean, we’ve all thought it. Lev and I had lengthy conversations about it after the first time I met his family. In fact, I continued dating him sort of contingent on the fact that I was counting on him not actually sharing DNA with any of them. They were a fucked up lot, the Carters. All except one.

  “I don’t think it matters what gene pool you floated over from, I’m just glad our baby will have a little some of the goodness that created you.”

  “Oh, that was nice. Well done. Very diplomatic. Completely avoiding an answer. You’ve got skills, Es.” He’s laughing again, this time at me. But I’m loving every second of it.

  I scoot myself up from the couch, already moving like a pregnant lady because of the pain in my back. “Come on. I want to go play imaginary nursery.”

  I start toward the stairs and gesture for Carter to follow, which, of course, he does.

  I take the last step up and turn left, straight into the room across from ours. It’s currently being used as a sitting room where I occasionally set up a home office when I need to. It isn’t particularly large, but I don’t think that matters. Mostly, I like the proximity to our master bedroom and the fact that it’s a straight shot across, which means if I position the crib just so, I will actually be able to see from our bed straight into the baby’s.

  “What do you think?”

  Carter stretches his neck, going back and forth between our room and this one. “I think I’ll be able watch you and the baby sleeping in here from our bed.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” It doesn’t matter how hard I fight it, the tell-tale smile takes over my face and gives me away.

  “Sure, you don’t.” He steps into the center of the room, holding his hands out like a mini-frame to view his surroundings through. “Alright. Paint me the picture.”

  I rub my palms together, getting amped up myself. “Okay, so I’m thinking white with pink accents. White walls, white furniture, but not like a sterile white, more like a worn, shabby chic style. You know?”

  He nods. “Nice. Keep going. What else?”

  “Um, I want to hang up cutesy little signs, but not the gross ‘my daughter is my princess’ kind because everyone does that, I want fun ones. Magical ones.”

  He winks. “I gotcha. Your mother would be so proud.”

  “Oh, good point. In fact, she’ll probably load us up on stuff like that once she finds out.” Which brought us to another topic all together. “Do you think we should tell them, now that we know for sure?”

  The seriousness returns to his face. “I think so.” He lowers his picture frame hands. “What exactly do you plan to say to them?”

  “Just the happy stuff.” I’ll never hear the end of it if they find out what Doctor Starling told us.

  “You gonna feel right about that? Lying to them?”

  I bite the inside of my cheek, stubbornly trying to avoid the answer. “Look who’s talking. You tell your family yet that I’m still not Catholic? Or that we had an actual wedding and didn’t just spontaneously run off and get married at the courthouse?”

  He presses his lips together and I know he’s getting frustrated with me. This isn’t exactly where I wanted our nursery fun to end up.

  “That is different and you know it. My family is made up of close minded hypocrites. I’ve hardly talked to any of them in the last seven years. You and Lev and Jace are on the phone every fucking time I turn around, chatting about some stupid shit or another. Unlike me, you don’t lie to your family. So you know damn well it’s going to eat away at you trying to keep this from them.” He balls his fists and releases them, repeating the movement several times to relieve the tension. When he continues, his voice is much calmer again. “Besides, you need them, Esi. I know they’ll freak out at first, but then, they’ll come around and they’ll jump right on board with your little miracle theory and they’ll be all too happy to support you in whatever you need. And you will need that support, Es. Even if Doctor Starling is wrong about this killing you, it’s not going to be as easy as you want to pretend.”

  I take a deep breath, letting the reality of what he’s said fully settle within my mind. “If I agree to tell them, can we go back to having nursery fun? Because I have a really cool idea for the crib.”

  His mouth curves up halfway and he slowly moves his hands back into the frame position. “Tell me about your really cool idea for the crib.”

  Chapter Ten

  Carter ~ Seven Years Ago

  In spite of having been raised by strict Catholic parents, I’m feeling surprisingly comfortable, and even exceedingly curious, regarding all of Esi’s new age voodoo stuff as I take my first ever step into her mother’s shop.

  “I’ll be right with you.” A voice calls out from the back. I know it’s her mother. I can just tell. The voice is deeper and raspier, but something about the tone is familiar. Like Esi. “Feel free to help yourself to some sweet potato chips. They’re homemade and sprinkled with all kinds of healthy hocus pocus.” I grin. I haven’t even met this woman and I know I’ll love her. Esi is so her mother.

  “I swear, she’s never actually in her store.” Esi rolls her eyes and smiles. “Ma! It’s me. And how many times do I have to tell you to stop offering people free food. It will bring in all the wrong people.”

  A woman with dark auburn curls bouncing on her shoulders comes walking out from the back somewhere. Hell, maybe she just appeared out of thin air. Judging from the crystals dangling from the ceilings and magic wands poking out at me from every crevice of the room, anything is possible. “What kind of wrong people? Like thieves? Liars? Catholics? I better put away my sweet potato treat then.”

  “Too late,” I mumble, shifting back and forth from one foot to the other.

  She grins and holds out a large wooden bowl. “In that case, want a chip?”

  I feel Esi’s hand in mine, grip tighter. This is it. Esi’s going to say the words and introduce me to her mother. “Ma, this is Carter.” She glances back at me over her shoulder, “This is my mom, Jacelyn.”

  “But don’t you dare call me that.” Her pointer finger is sticking straight out in my direction and for a moment, I’m not so sure this is going all that well. “It’s Jace. Jacelyn is for clients and bill collectors. Not my daughter’s -,” she pauses, smiling, “not you.”

  “It’s nice to meet you, Jace.” I stretch my hand out hoping the accusing index finger she’s waving at me is joined by the rest of her hand to shake mine. It is. And the smile widens.

  “So, you’re the thing keeping my daughter so pre-occupied these days.” Jace turns toward Esi. “He’s cute.”

  Esi’s cheeks turn a sweet shade of rosy pink and I can feel myself grinning like an idiot. This girl’s turning me into a version of myself I’ve never even met before and I don’t want to go back to being that other guy. The one who didn’t do dopey grins or meet moms. The one before. Before her.

  Her mom
’s eyes are back on me. I can tell she’s trying hard to keep her expression stern, but her eyes are giving her away. “So, tell me, which are you, Carter? A thief or a liar?”

  I peek back and forth between her and Esi. I’m almost scared to answer her. “Neither. I’m the Catholic.”

  Her mouth turns up on one side and she takes a bite of one of her chips, crunching it while I wait for the final verdict. “Catholic, huh? I take it you missed mass when they taught about Saint Vitus, the Patron Saint Against Oversleeping? I’m just guessing, based on all the classes my daughter missed last week.”

  I don’t know which floors me more. Her knowledge of the saints, or her laid back attitude about my interference with her daughter’s education. Thankfully, Esi pipes up before I have to come up with anything.

  “I see you talked to Lev.”

  Her mom grins. No holding back anymore. “And boy, was she on a roll.” She starts to laugh. “I can’t wait to see what she says when she meets him and realizes who he is.”

  And then I realize it. Her family isn’t the only one with a reputation that precedes them.

  Chapter Eleven

  Esi

  Even though Carter offers to tag along for moral support, I decide it’s best to tackle telling the news to my overbearing mother and bossy older sister myself. Mostly because I want to spare him the impending blame game which is bound to follow the initial shock, before they’re able to move onto the accepting stage and then possibly, with a little luck, even arriving at the happy place where they are both excited to welcome the newest member to our family with open arms.

  Since they’ve both been hounding me all week to sit down and share a meal with them, I agree when my mother calls for the one hundredth time to invite me for breakfast the following morning.

  When I show up, Lev is already there, busy placing a large vase of anemones in the center of the table. They’re gorgeous. And my favorite.

  “Those for me?”

  “No, ego maniac. I had extra at the store and didn’t want them to wilt in vain.” They’re totally for me.

  “Don’t listen to her, she’s just being grumpy because she hates the holidays. And people in general.” My mother comes into the room carrying a large platter of French toast and I about toss my French cookies. “Esi¸ are you alright?”

  I pinch my nose to keep from smelling the food and it takes the edge off the nausea. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s no big deal. I’m just pregnant is all.”

  Both of them freeze in place, staring back at me like I’ve just revealed I’m planning on giving birth to an alien or something.

  My mother is the first to break her trance. “You’re pregnant? But how?”

  “Really? You need me to have the talk with you as well? I really would have thought you’d remember, already having had two children of your own, but I guess it has been a while.” My voice is still all nasely from holding my nose, only adding to my own level of amusement with the entire situation.

  “I think, maybe what she means is, when did you get pregnant?” Lev is speaking in slow motion and looking back and forth between myself and our mother.

  “During the reception. Carter and I snuck off and had a little pre-honeymoon fun in his car. And good thing we did, when you think about it.” I reach for a piece of bacon I find hiding under some foil on a platter already sitting on the table. Leave it to Carter’s kid to be attracted to all the most disgusting and greasy foods imaginable.

  “I need to sit down.” My mother lowers herself halfway into a chair before she shoots straight out of it again. “No, you need to sit down. Honey, are you even supposed to be up and about?”

  “Ma, I’m pregnant, not dying.” Well, not just now anyway. “Aside from feeling severely nauseous and only being able to eat absolutely revolting foods, I feel completely fine. I’m definitely able to stand.” I glance down at the chair beside me and shrug. “Although, sitting wouldn’t be bad either.” My ass hits the cushion just as my mother arrives beside me.

  “So, you’ve seen your doctor about this? What did she say?” Isn’t until I look at her a second time, for longer, that I realize how pale she suddenly is.

  “She said it was basically a miracle that my body didn’t reject the pregnancy.” Just maybe not in those exact words.

  “But what about your heart, Esi?” There it is. The question I’ve been dreading most.

  “I have a big heart. A kind heart. A heart made just for loving this baby.”

  My mother frowns, almost angrily. “Esi.”

  I sigh. “Please, Ma. Don’t make me lie to you.”

  Tears are welling up in her eyes, but she fights them back. My mother is tough like that. Willing to show emotions, but never to actually succumb to them. Some days I think that takes more strength than shutting them down or allowing them to flow would combined.

  “Esi,” she chokes out. “I know the idea of having to face a choice between saving yourself and having this baby would be unbearably cruel under normal circumstance, so I can’t even begin to comprehend what it would mean to you given what you’ve only just barely survived, but you can’t just drop this on us and pretend like it’s happy news. It’s not. We almost lost you, Esidora. We....Carter...and now.” She turns away, clearly unable to put into words everything that she wants to say to me.

  Lev chooses to use this break in my mother’s composure as an opening. “How do you see this playing out, Esi?”

  I shrug. “Well, if I understand correctly, my body will go through some pretty major changes over the next nine months, all of which will result in a baby flying out through my hoo-ha by the time it’s over.”

  “Really? You think this is funny?” She glares at me disapprovingly. Sometimes older sisters are a drag.

  “I think you should both have a little more faith. If I was anyone else, you would both be nodding your all-knowing little heads, talking about how this was meant to be and how obviously everything would work out, because look at what had to be overcome to get here.”

  “But it’s not someone else,” Lev snaps. “It’s you. It’s us. Our family cannot take another heartbreak right now, Esi.”

  I glance down at my stomach. It’s perfectly flat, no sign whatsoever of the tiny life already stirring within, but that doesn’t make it any less real for me. “I agree. That’s why I’m keeping this baby. And that’s why you’re both going to support me and help me. I need you. I need both of you. Please.”

  “What you need is to get your freaking head checked,” Lev grumbles. “But since that’s probably not going to happen, I guess we’ll have to go with plan B.”

  “What’s plan B?” For a moment I wonder if I should be anticipating a frying pan coming at my head and knocking me out or something.

  “You win. But be ready, because all this support you’re asking for? Yeah, you’re gonna get it. And then some. I’m going to be so far up your ass until this baby is born I’ll be able to shake hands with it. Yeah. You wait and see. You’ll be sorry you ever asked for help.”

  I twist my mouth back and forth. “Is there a plan C?”

  My mother returns to stand beside me at the table. “No. Lev is right. And so are you. This baby is a miracle. A beautiful, miraculous gift, and your sister and I are going to do everything in our power to make this the easiest and most carefree experience we possibly can.”

  “Great.” I nod. “Now hand me some of that bacon, would ya?”

  “Fried animal fat for the pregnant woman with the weak heart? Yeah, I think not.” My sister snatches the platter away before I can reach it.

  “Come on! It’s not for me, it’s for the baby.”

  “Well, I guess we already know one thing the Harper newbie got from Carter.” My mother pats me gently on the back as if that will in any way make up for Lev’s withholding food from me in my time of need. “If you’re really craving meat, how about some chicken? I could fry it up in some water for you. It would still have a little crisp on it that way.” />
  I have no control over what my face is doing at this point, I’m too busy trying to control my mouth and keep it from saying what I really think of her suggestion. “No thanks. I’ll just starve, I guess. It’s cool. I’ll just let the baby suck my body dry of any nutrients it still possesses at this point.” Yeah, I’m into the drama. It comes with being the youngest in the family.

  “Speaking of nutrients,” because my mother sees it as an opening and not a desperate plea for fatty bacon, “what sort of vitamins are you taking? Actually, hold that thought. Let me talk to Patty before you start pumping anything into your body. She’ll know what to put you on. Especially given your situation.”

  Patty is the new age queen of holistic medicine. She also owns and operates the Every Body deserves a Whole Body Health food store just one parking lot over from my mother’s shop. I’ve already planned on talking to her, but if my mother wants to take over in that department, it’s all the same to me. Better actually. Patty can’t ever just point you at the right shelf, she always insists on giving you a whole lesson on everything you are about to take, or thinking about taking, or maybe ought to be thinking about taking. Which is nice and all, but I’m good with her being the expert. I see no need to become one myself, and I don’t know how many polite ways I’ve already tried the ‘it’s cool, I trust your judgment’ approach. It never makes a difference.

  “Perfect. You talk to Patty and I will see about getting her on Rusty’s schedule.” Lev is talking to my mom like I’m not even there anymore. Any other day I would have had a little something to say about that, but since we are on plan B and there is no plan C, I keep my mouth shut. If Lev thinks I need to see her acupuncturist, I guess I’m going to have to get comfortable with needles, and fast.

  After my stint in the hospital, the sight doesn’t make me want to faint anymore, but my fears have taken on a slightly more aggressive connotation and at this point I‘m not completely sure I won’t randomly start swinging at Rusty mid-session.

  “Awesome. Patty, Rusty. Who else are you recruiting to be on my mommy-to-be team?” I casually lift the corner of foil my mother has wrapped over a plate to keep whatever is hidden under it warm. Eggs. I wait a moment while the visual and scent make contact with my stomach. Yep. We were a-go.