by K. S. Thomas
While Doctor Starling is of the opinion that the pregnancy should be wrapped up as soon as possible, she’s not sure whether a caesarean section is the best option; meanwhile, Doctor Harmon, my cardiac surgeon, is recommending a therapeutic approach, suggesting a few days’ antibiotic treatment prior to determining if surgery is necessary right now, despite being aware that my case comes with a high risk of embolism.
Most of what they’re saying, I’m pretty sure I need a more extensive medical background to understand than the one I acquired during school, but I’m getting the gist of it. And I like Doctor Harmon’s no panic approach, although I know my mother will have mixed feelings about the anti-biotic they’re about to start pumping into my body because she’d rather have Patty come up with a natural alternative, but what with my life being on the line, I’m hoping she’ll get over that.
It seems like an eternity goes by before everyone finally clears out, and I know it’s only a matter of time before Lev and my mom come crashing in through the door again.
“I’m doing the right thing. Right?”
Carter, who’s been pretty quiet throughout all of this, comes to sit in the chair beside me. It’s the closest he can get right now with all of the monitors and IV’s they’ve got hooked up to my body. I hate it. I feel like a captured alien from some horrible Sci-Fi movie.
“Babe, you’re not just doing the right thing. You’re doing it amazingly well.” He doesn’t smile and his eyes are getting glassy. “You’re the bravest woman I’ve ever known, Esidora Maelyn Harper. And our daughter is going to grow up believing she can do anything, because you never shied away from doing what others thought was impossible. You’re going to give her the same gift you gave me and nothing else will ever compare to that.”
God, I love that man. “You’re the only reason I can do any of it. You just don’t know that because you’ve only ever known me with you by my side.” Feelings ranging from every end of the spectrum are cascading from my busted heart in waves now. I’m so overwhelmed, I barely know what I’m experiencing anymore. Maybe it’s love. Maybe it’s all just love. So much love for Carter and our baby I can hardly stand to feel it all. Or maybe it’s feeling it all that’s helping me stand everything else. Maybe having this much love in your heart can physically keep it together even when infections are trying to rip it apart. Whatever it is, I’m grateful for it. Even more so, because I know I’m not the only one.
Carter’s expression is a perfect reflection of what I’m feeling and he’s directing it all at me. I’m getting a double dose of it, because for the time being, I am a two for one human being and loving our daughter, means throwing that love in my direction. And I’m soaking up every last bit of it. Drenching myself in it until I feel so safe and surrounded by all that is good, I fall asleep.
***
The next few days pass in slow motion while I wait for the meds to start working. I haven’t had any other episodes and, other than a small fever, my body hasn’t shown any more signs of the infection, which both Starling and Harmon seem to think is encouraging.
As of today I’ve officially made it to thirty-three weeks in my pregnancy and I’m counting every day that my little girl stays put and my ticker keeps keepin’ on, a blessing. Carter continues to exist only at my bedside, occasionally stepping out when Lev comes to visit. She hasn’t said anything else about it, but their relationship is oddly strained the way I’ve never seen before and with nothing else to do but lie here and watch the time go by, I’m doing my part to analyze them both.
“Do you blame him? Do you blame Carter for my being here?”
Lev lifts her gaze from the book she’s been reading. “I don’t want to. But it’s hard not to. He’s the easiest one to blame in all of this.” I’m both relieved and pissed when she admits this, but I choose to go with relief for the sake of continuing my study.
“Because he was driving during the accident? Or because he knocked me up?”
Apparently deciding that this will take a while, Lev closes her book and places it on the bedside table. “Neither.”
Huh? “Then what?”
“You wouldn’t understand.” She shakes her head and her eyes drift over to the window. Carter’s favorite spot. I think he stands there because watching the outside world makes him feel less claustrophobic about being stuck in here. I haven’t asked him, but that’s where I’d be if I could stand up and get out of this bed, and that’d be the reason.
“Lev, I’m a fucking therapist. I studied the human brain and all of its wonderfully screwed up thought patterns. I know every aspect of every emotion known to man and what triggers what feeling. What exactly makes you so fucking special that I wouldn’t be able to understand your feelings?”
She rolls her eyes at me like it’s the dumbest question she’s ever heard. “You really want me to answer that?”
“Yeah, I d – what the hell?” I yank at the blanket covering my body below the belly. It’s drenched and clinging to my legs. “I think I just freaking peed myself. Awesome. Now I have a shit bladder as well.”
Lev is out of her chair in an instant and leaning over me. I don’t know why. If she’d just pissed herself, I’d be on the other side of the room laughing my ass off and staying as far away from her urine as humanly possible.
“Tell me. All those baby books you’ve been reading for the last seven months, did they ever mention a little something called ‘water breaking’?”
Holy shit. “I’m in labor.” It feels weird. Surreal actually. Logically I get it, but on every other level I’m still in a mad rush to try and catch up. “Well, don’t just stand there. Go get some people. Doctors. Those guys with the epidurals. Carter. And Mom. Someone has to call Mom.”
Lev is already halfway out of the room. “I’m on it. Just try and stay calm.”
I watch her leave and pat my stomach. And not in a sweet sort of maternal way, more like a crazy person going through the motions on the verge of a mental break sort of way. “Stay calm. Okay. I’m about to produce a human being from my vagina. Of course I’m going to stay calm.”
“Good. Staying calm is important.” Out of nowhere, Carter is standing next to me. I don’t even have time to answer him before Doctor Starling comes flying in the room as well with a nurse in tow, and Carter moves back to his standard spot between my bed and the window. Close to me, but out of the way. As long as I can see his face and look into his eyes, I know I’m going to make it through this.
“Well, Esi, looks like your kid is going to override all of our plans,” Doctor Starling announces after she’s done examining me.
“This is going to be alright. Right?” I mean, obviously. This is what she’d wanted anyway. Really the baby isn’t overriding anything. She’s siding with the doctors. Needless to say, I have mixed feelings about this. She and I are going to have a serious talk when she gets here.
“Everything is going to be perfect, Esi. You’ve done an exceptional job up until this point, I have no reason to believe you won’t succeed in seeing this through now. I trust you. Trust yourself. And,” she gently squeezes me knee, “you can trust me as well.”
I do. “Okay. Then let’s have a baby.” I turn and smile at Carter.
“Let’s have a baby.” He smiles back. By this time tomorrow, we’re going to be parents.
From this point on, things move surprisingly slow. Well, I say surprisingly, I guess it really isn’t. Labor is supposed to last for hours. And I know this. It’s just that for some reason, I’ve let every broken water moment ever seen on TV overrule my comprehension for fiction versus reality, so I am more than slightly disappointed when six hours later I’m still sucking on ice chips and waiting for my daughter to make an appearance.
I can’t complain a whole lot though. Even though the epidural proved to be too risky, I’ve still been given enough pain meds to take the edge off, and between Carter, Lev and my mom, I’m yet to go longer than thirty seconds without a compliment, funny anecdote or snotty
insult regarding my unshaved, well, everything. No need to expound on who around here is doling out those. And really, I appreciate the effort, because ultimately exchanging insults with my sister is a magnificent distraction from the reality of my situation.
“How are things going in here?” Doctor Starling is back for the second time in the last hour and I get the feeling she must know something we don’t.
“Same old, same old,” I tell her while I try to ignore the part where her fingers are inside me and we have an audience. It’s weird, the things that stop being weird when you’re pregnant. Earlier the nurse had to take me to go pee. Me and her, in the bathroom together. Totally normal.
“Actually. No.” She looks up at me, nodding in a way I can only deem optimistic. “It’s time. We can start pushing.”
This is, without a doubt, the best news I’ve heard all day. It’s also the most terrifying.
“Are you sure? I mean. Maybe we should give it another thirty minutes. I’m not entirely convinced things down there have expanded to the point a person could come walking out.”
Carter chuckles softly. “Esi. You got this. She’s ready. You’re ready. There’s just this one last thing you need to do before you can hold her in your arms.”
I bite my lip because I’m pretty sure it’s rocking a nervous spasm and I don’t want anyone to notice. “Yep. One last little thing.” I don’t know how little I think it is, but then the next contraction hits and I realize not only are the meds wearing off, but I actually want to push. It’s like my body is taking over and, suddenly, I get how all those women back in the day delivered their babies alone in fields and then went back to work right after. Our bodies are built for this. My brain sure as shit isn’t, but damn, my body does seem to know what it’s doing.
After pushing for nearly twenty minutes with everyone insisting I’m making phenomenal progress, I’m quite convinced they’re all full of it. But I want to believe them. I need to believe them. So I do. Another contraction hits and automatically every muscle below my belly button jumps into overdrive.
“Argh. Mother-“ I catch myself and clench my teeth hard. Maybe that’s not the first word my daughter needs to hear upon entering the world. On the other hand, this pain seems to be multiplying at rapid speeds, and the more it does, the less I’m able to control my breathing.
“Es? You okay?” Lev is holding my hand tightly. Or maybe I’m the one with the iron grip. Yeah. That’s it. Which explains her visible effort in trying to hide the pain I’m causing her.
“Something’s wrong.” I force the words out through my locked jaws. “Carter.”
“He’s right here, Esi. He’s going to help you through this just like before. You’re almost there. Just a few more pushes.” Doctor Starling is so focused on the task of delivering my daughter she hasn’t even looked up.
But I don’t care. She’s not the one who’s eyes I need to see right now. The pain is moving into my chest and I can barely catch my breath it hurts so badly.
“Babe.” Carter’s voice is worried and when our eyes meet, I see it instantly. Fear. But I’m not afraid this time.
“Esi!” My sister shouts my name. I can only tell from her expression because her voice sounds warbled and strangely distant. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see my mother running across the room. I don’t know where she’s going until I hear someone else yell the name ‘Harmon’. Or maybe they’re singing it. I don’t know anymore.
Around me, the whole room is getting brighter and it reminds me of being in an airplane, high above the white clouds where the sun shines her white rays completely unobstructed. It’s beautiful and peaceful. The pain is completely gone. I turn to smile at Carter, to let him know I’m feeling better, but the clouds begin to take over the entire room and before I can find him again, the sun disappears and everything and everyone is gone.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Carter ~ Seven Years Ago
“Tell me how to make this work,” I beg her. I’m trying my damnedest not to cry, but fuck being macho right now. I’m on the verge of losing everything that matters to me and all I really want to do it bawl my fucking eyes out. And punch the shit out of something.
“I don’t know how, Carter.” She’s not nearly as worried about hiding her feelings. Tears have been trickling down her beautifully soft cheeks since I first told her. And I can’t make them stop. God, it’s killing me that I can’t make them stop. “I can’t be who they want me to be. If I could, believe me, you’re the one I’d change for. The only one.”
“I don’t want you to change, Es. You’re perfect the way you are. Fucking perfect. They’re the ones who need to change. They’re the assholes. Why can’t we just let them be assholes without us?” I can do it. I know I can. I can disown them. Or, at least I can survive being disowned by them. But she’s already shaking her head.
“No. No, it’s not right, Carter. They’re your parents. You can’t give them up, even if they are assholes. I would never be okay with that. Not when I know what it means to lose a parent. What kind of a person would I be? How could I possibly claim to love you and ask you to be alright with spending the rest of your life without them?” She turns away and starts walking toward the next room. I know she’s just trying to hide her tears from me. She can tell what it’s doing to me. How it’s eating away at me to see her in this kind of pain. How it makes me forget my own hell because all I want to do is save her from hers, but I can’t. Because of them. Because they’ve made it impossible.
“You’re not asking me to do anything, Es. Besides, you really think I’ll want them in my life if they’re the reason you’re not in it?” I clench my fists repeatedly. It’s her apartment, so as badly as I want to start smashing things, I won’t.
“You’ll get over it. Trust me. But living without your parents...it would mean no more family dinners. No more family traditions. No getting together for the holidays. Ever. Again. It would mean getting married someday, without them there. Without your mother crying in the front row. Without your father patting you on the shoulder, bursting with pride. It would mean, grandchildren without grandparents. And...so much more. Believe me, Carter, I know. If you’d have had to face every event I’ve had to face not realizing the difference it would make not having my father there, you wouldn’t take this so lightly. In the end, I’ll just be some girl you dated in college. You’ll get over me. Trust me.”
I don’t know if she’s saying it to convince me or her, and I don’t care. It’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard told in my life and I’m directly behind her again within a matter of seconds. I grab her wrist firmly and spin her around before she can attempt another getaway.
Her mouth opens to argue with me some more, but I stop her by crushing my lips down on it, kissing her deeply until everything I’ve needed to say but couldn’t, travels over the tip of my tongue directly into her being, and by the way she’s kissing me back, I know she understands every last word.
“I’ll never get over you, Esi. You’re the love of my life. And none of those other things you mentioned will ever even happen without you there. I need you. I love them. But I need you.” I press my lips to hers hard one more time. “Trust me.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Esi
I’m dreaming. I’m sure of it. It’s a pleasant dream. And Carter is there, but he’s not happy with me.
“Es, what are you doing?” He’s resting both of his hands on my shoulders, smiling, but I can see the worry in his handsome face.
“Dreaming. What are you doing?” I giggle. Because I feel like giggling. Everything feels light. Like a giggle.
“This isn’t a dream.” He pulls me into his arms and holds me to his chest. It’s my favorite place in the entire world and suddenly I feel like it’s been years since I’ve been here. The giggling feeling starts to fade and panic slowly begins its ascent within me.
“If it’s not a dream, then what’s happening?” I don’t think I want him to answer, bu
t I feel his head turn toward my ear and his lips brush against my lobe.
“You’re moving on,” he whispers.
My whole body tenses up and I start to fight him, but this only makes him hold me tighter. “I don’t want to move on. What about you?” Tears are sliding down my face, but they feel like trails of fire burning their way across my skin. I like it though. Somehow knowing I can still experience physical pain seems like a good thing.
“This isn’t about me, Es. This is about you. What do you want?”
I close my eyes and a flash of images flood my mind. Carter. Our wedding. The accident. My belly. I’m pregnant. I’m in labor. I have a daughter. My lids fly open. “I want to stay. I want to stay!” I’m shouting now. Carter is gone and I’m standing alone, shouting out into the nothingness that surrounds me. “I want to stay! I have a daughter. You have to let me stay. Let me go back. I can’t leave her. Not yet.”
I’m about to start running. I don’t know where. Anywhere. Moving has to be better than standing still. Better than waiting.
Just as I take a step forward, a piercing pain in my chest causes me to double over. I’m gasping for air. My chest is so tight I can hardly breathe. There’s so much pressure it feels like an elephant is sitting on my heart. I want to scream, but I can’t. I can’t do anything but feel. Agonizing, physical pain. And then.
“We’ve got a heartbeat!” I hear the words before I even open my eyes. All around me I can feel people moving. Rushing around. Touching me. I can hear whimpering. My mother. God, my mother. I want to open my eyes and tell her I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying. But I can’t. Not yet. The fucking elephant still hasn’t climbed off my chest and every ounce of my energy is focused on breathing against the pressure.
“Let’s move, people.” I feel the sensation of being in motion as my bed begins to roll with me still in it. I want it to stop, but I can’t tell anyone. It’s like I’m stuck in some sort of hellish limbo where I’m in my body, but my body doesn’t recognize me or listen to any of my instructions.