by K. S. Thomas
A cold breeze hits my legs and I realize they’re bare. A small inconvenience all things considered, but I’m sincerely hoping I’m not flashing the entire floor my hoo-ha since I’m fairly certain I’m being whipped through the hallway. I want to ask what’s happening. I want to tell them to take me to my daughter. But this body is still rejecting me and fighting with it is exhausting me.
Finally we come to a stop. Briefly. Before I know it, I’m being lifted into the air and placed back down again on another surface. Hands are moving around me at high speeds and I feel someone putting something over my face. Over my mouth. My nose. I’ve felt this before. I know what’s coming. One hundred. Ninety-nine. Ninety-eight. Ninety-seven. At last. My body gives me shelter. It lets me stay. It lets me rest.
“I knew you weren’t really going anywhere,” Carter’s voice whispers softly in my ear. It’s the first thing I hear after an eternity of silence. Slowly I am gaining control over my own body again as a wave of pins and needles briskly flows over my skin. I move my fingers and I feel someone’s palm against mine. I recognize the braided metal of Lev’s thumb ring and I know she’s been holding tight to me every second she’s been able to. My big sister. I should have known she’d never let me go.
“Es. Open your eyes. She’s here. She’s healthy and she’s absolutely beautiful. But she needs you. She needs her mother.” Carter’s voice hasn’t moved away from my head and I know he’s right here. With me. “And, she needs a name.”
At last, using every ounce of strength I have left in me, I pry my lids up over my dried out eye balls.
“Esi! Her eyes are open. She’s awake!” Lev announces loudly to the room. But it’s only my mom and Carter, and they already know. Meanwhile, my mother is anxiously swiping loose strands of hair from my face and kissing my forehead repeatedly. I don’t mind. I understand exactly how she feels.
I open my mouth to speak and cough instead. My mother rushes for the pitcher of water beside the bed and pours me a cup.
Carefully tipping my head up with her other hand, she helps me have a sip.
“Thank you,” I manage to croak out.
Another kiss on my forehead. And nose. And each cheek. “Oh, baby, I’m just so glad you’re here. Eyes open. Speaking to us.”
“Yeah, you really gotta stop with the disappearing acts. This shit is exhausting.” Lev smiles wryly. Humor is the only way we know how to deal with pain. Even when it does come out sounding callus and inappropriate at times. I understand. I’d rather she swore and pretended my almost dying was an inconvenience than to have to see on the outside what I know she’s feeling within.
“Tell me about it. I’m pretty over it myself.” I squeeze her fingers as hard as I can, which is barely at all. I turn to Carter who’s standing near the foot end now, giving my mom and sister their space while they dote on me. “She needs a name.”
He nods. Smiling. “She does. The honor is all yours, Mama.”
“Do you have anything in mind?” Lev is watching me with anticipation.
“I do. But I want to see her before I say it out loud.” I try to shift into a more upright position but the elephant comes back and plants itself on my chest, causing me to cough again, which only increases the pain.
“Where exactly do you think you’re going?” Doctor Starling comes in and stops beside the bed.
“I want to go see my daughter. When can I see her?”
“Well, considering you just had heart surgery and are in the ICU, not tonight.” She scans my monitors before she continues. “I know it’s not what you want to hear, Esi, but believe me when I tell you she is safe and strong, and getting all the rest she needs while under the watchful eyes of the nurses in the NICU. And you need to do the same. You’ve both been through some serious trauma today. A little sleep will go a long way. Then, tomorrow after Harmon has a chance to check up on you, we can all discuss when it’ll be safe for you to start moving around a bit.”
I want to argue with her, but the lead in my legs is already spreading and I know it won’t be long before I do exactly what she’s ordering. Sleep. Whether I like it or not, my body is insisting on it.
I watch Starling leave again and my heart breaks a little. Figuratively this time. Strange, but it does sort of seem worth specifying that these days.
Carter has moved up closer and is standing right behind my mother now. He’s so much taller than her, he practically towers over her.
“You’ll go be with her? One of us needs to be with her.”
He nods.
“We’ll both go. We’ll take turns.” My mother glances over at my sister as she says it. Her reassuring smile is the last thing I see before my lids take a long-term rest again.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Carter ~ Seven Years Ago
Esi’s wrapped up in my arms and I know this is where she belongs. Here. With me. I still don’t understand how or why she chose me, but I’m grateful she did. Especially now. My family doesn’t know yet. But they will. They’ll find out tonight. I don’t imagine they’ll mind much. With Hannah announcing her engagement at dinner, they’ll be gaining a son anyway. My absence will hardly be noticed. Hell, my chair won’t even be empty.
“You can still change your mind, you know? It’s not too late. You can walk out of here. Go to family dinner. I won’t blame you.” Her voice is soft like the quiet cooing of a mourning dove.
“We’ve been through this, Es. I’m not changing my mind. The only family dinner I plan on having tonight, is with you.” I roll her over onto her back to face me. “So, what do you want?”
She shrugs, but doesn’t answer, so I tickle her side. “I said, what do you want, Esidora?”
She laughs wildly and my heart soars. I want to spend the rest of my life making her laugh just like this.
When she calms down again, her hand reaches up for my face and her finger tips gently trace my jawline, down my chin and up to my lips. She taps them twice, gently, thoughtfully staring at them the entire time.
“This. I want this.” The corners of her mouth curve up in a wicked grin. “And I’m starving.” Her gentle touch turns into a firm grip as she lowers my face down to meet hers. I don’t really need her to force me, but I love when she’s assertive like this. It lets me know she wants me as badly as I want her. With Esi there’s never any doubt. We’re in this together. To the same degree. We’re not lukewarm for each other. One isn’t more invested than the other. It’s hot as hell and being together is sheer heaven.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Esi
I feel like I’ve been sleeping for days when I open my eyes again. The first thing I notice is the ache in my chest reminding me of where the incision is. The second, is Carter’s outline standing in the window with the sunlight pouring in behind him.
“Good morning, beautiful.”
I smile, because even though I know I look like shit, he actually means it. “Hi there, handsome. I thought we agreed you’d stay with our daughter.”
He comes to sit beside me on the bed, “I did. All night. And she’s amazing, Es. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. Everything about her is just so...perfect.” He pauses to swallow and I know the emotions are getting to him. He’s never been one to wear his heart on his sleeve, but this past year seems to have us all on the verge of tears every second of every day. At least this time, it’s for a good reason. “Lev is with her right now. She sent your mom home to get some rest, but I’m sure she won’t be able to stay away long.” He grins. “She’s going to be trouble, you know? Everyone is going to be wrapped around that perfect little finger of hers. She’ll be like seventeen the first time she hears the word no and she won’t have a clue as to what it means.”
I laugh and it hurts, but I do it anyway. It’s time to laugh. A lot. “I want to see her. Where is Harmon? I need him to give the okay so I can finally meet our daughter, Carter. This is insane. She’s already a day old and I’ve never even held her.”
Carter leans b
ack and rests his head on the pillow beside me. “I’m sure he’s on his way. In the meantime, want me to tell you more about her?”
I nod. “Of course. I want to know everything. Did you count her fingers and toes? She’s got ten of each, right?”
He chuckles, “Yes, Es. She’s got ten itty bitty little toes with the cutest little toe nails you’ll ever see in your life. Until you look at her teensy tiny fingers and see the even cuter little finger nails on all ten fingers.” He holds up his hands like he’s remembering hers, but his hands are neither teensy nor tiny, so there’s really no comparison. “Anyway, now that we’ve covered the most important stuff, let’s talk about the basics. She weighed in at four pounds eight ounces, which is good for thirty-three weeks. She’s just over nineteen inches long and has hair just like you and Lev. Her eyes are so dark they look almost black, although, she doesn’t open them often. I think she’s exhausted from all the excitement of being born into this family, and really who could blame her?”
I can feel the waterworks breaking free at the corners of my eyes, but I don’t care. All of these new feelings have to go someplace. “And she’s healthy? She’s not struggling?”
“She was on a respirator for the first few hours, but once they were sure she was breathing fine on her own, they took her off. She’s still in an incubator because she can’t maintain her own body temp yet, and they’ve got her on a feeding tube until she’s strong enough to start nursing, but the doctor promised all of that was totally normal, routine stuff. And actually, they said it was an excellent sign that she was able to breathe on her own already.” He peers right toward the window. “There’s only one little thing. One less than fantastic bit.”
I frown. “What? What is it? Tell me! What are you doing sitting on it all this time? You open with bad news, Carter! Have I taught you nothing in the last seven years?” I’m barely done with my rant when I notice the gleam in his eyes. He’s fucking with me. Now. Of all times. Hell, I guess I did teach him something. There’s no better way to make a broken person feel whole and normal than to fuck with them like they can take it.
“The bad news is, she has my father’s nose. I mean, without a doubt. Same little point at the end. I honestly don’t know how she’s going to make it through life with that nose.” He’s actually laughing now.
“You’re a jackass.” But I’m grinning, too. Then, finally, Doctor Harmon walks in, followed by one of the nurses. Kathy, I think. Pretty sure I saw her on my last stint in the ICU.
“Good morning. I see you’re feeling well this morning.” He picks up my chart from the folder hanging at the foot end of my bed and I already like his optimism.
“Morning, doc. You better be here to give me the green light for the NICU. I have a daughter to meet and love on.”
He places the file back into its holder and comes up beside me while Carter clears out of the bed to make room for him to check me out.
“That’s the plan. All of your vitals are good. Now, let’s have a look at this incision and see how it’s doing.” With Kathy’s help, he carefully moves the material of my crappy hospital gown out of the way and then proceeds to remove the bandaging. “Oh yes, this is healing beautifully already.” He tosses the used gauze and nods at his nurse. “Kathy here will get you all bandaged up again and then she has my consent to put you into a wheelchair and take you down to the NICU. No standing or walking on your own. And I want you back in bed within the hour. You can have another visit this evening. Tomorrow, if things continue to progress as well, we can talk about resuming some more normal activities. Alright?”
I nod. A lot. There’s too many thoughts racing through my mind to conjure up even a single coherent one.
“Wonderful. I will see you this evening during rounds then. Thank you, Kathy.” And just that like that, he’s gone again.
It takes Kathy less than ten minutes, and longer than I can stand, to get me ready for my mini-fieldtrip, and then finally, I’m cruising down the hall and into the elevator.
When we arrive at the NICU, another nurse greets us and explains what I am and am not allowed to do with my daughter. She also does her best to prepare me for what I’m about to see. She says parents are often overwhelmed at the sight of all the machines and tubes, but I promise her, I’ve been toting plenty of those around myself so I barely even notice them anymore. She cracks a smile at that one and leads the way inside.
I don’t need her to tell me which baby is mine. Lev is practically glued to the incubator, and I’m guessing there’s only one baby in here she’s that attached to. I want to jump out of my wheelchair and run over to her, but I don’t. I kinda can’t.
Then. There she is.
“Oh my God.” I can only mouth the words. But I send up a silent prayer of thanks I know will be heard in spite of my lacking voice. She’s perfect, just like Carter said. And I love her. I am instantly, head over heart over heels in love with her. Whatever feelings I thought I’d been capable of before I saw her, I was wrong. So wrong. I am capable of more. More love than I ever imagined possible.
“She’s a Harper through and through, Esi.” Lev smiles at me and her tear ducts are leaky just like everyone else’s these days.
“And Carter. Don’t forget. She’s got some Carter as well.” I reach my hand inside the incubator and place my finger gently in the palm of her tiny hand. Instinctively, she grasps it and my heart lurches in my chest. How can someone so small cause feelings so big?
Lev squeezes my shoulder. “You’re right. She’s got some Carter as well.” Out of the corner of my eye I see her glance over at him standing opposite me at the incubator. “All the best parts of him.”
Carter acknowledges her compliment with a gracious smile. Then he turns his attention back to me. “So. What’s her name, Mama?”
I want to say it, but the lump in my throat jumps up to cut off the words. I take several deep breaths, just staring at my beautiful miracle baby and I know without a doubt, the name I want to call her.
“Evan,” I whisper. “Her name is Evan.” And the expression on Carter’s face tells me he knows.
“It’s perfect. From one miracle to another,” he says softly, never taking his gaze from her. And then, somehow, seeing him see her, I fall in love with him all over again.
It’s not until I hear Lev move behind me that I even remember she’s here. “Mom’s back,” she mumbles quietly. “I’m going to go catch her before she comes in. You should have this time to yourself. We’ll see you back in your room.” She leans down and kisses the top of my head before she hurries to meet my mother at the door.
I spend the next hour in awe of Evan. Every breath she takes. Every movement her little body makes blows me away and when the nurse shows up to take me back to my room, I literally suffer a minor attack of separation anxiety. It just feels unnatural to be away from her. Not when we’ve shared the same body all these months. Now we’re not even sharing a room. Or even the same floor.
It’s all I can do to keep my mind busy until I get to go back and see Evan. Thankfully, my mother has loads to tell me. Apparently, in the twenty-four hours since I gave birth and nearly died, she did a great deal of research and is busy filling me in on all the best foods to eat for speedy healing and maximum breast milk production. Thirty minutes into her explanation of a milk friendly diet she’s got me feeling like a newly acquired dairy cow, but I don’t say anything. I just keep listening and try my hardest to keep from peeking at the clock.
Come morning, I’m released from the ICU and get a little closer to Evan when I’m brought to my new room on her floor. From there, my mobility gradually increases and I am able to visit her more often and for longer periods of time over the next several days. By the end of the first week, she’s been moved to an open crib and I am able to start breast feeding. It’s an almost magical experience and every worry about how weird I thought it would be is completely washed away. There’s nothing weird about this. It’s the most natural thing in the world
.
Evan is keeping her eyes open for longer periods of time and I find myself staring into them, sinking into the endless pools of admiration that gaze up at me with such knowing, I am convinced she’s the wisest person I’ve ever met and she hasn’t even left the building yet. I don’t know what she has to teach me, but I know it will be a lot. The only thing I’m certain of without a doubt, is this little girl knows I’m her mother. And the magnitude of power in that small sentence is enough to make me crumble to pieces and stand tall all at the same time.
After eleven days, both of us are released from the hospital. We’re allowed to go home. Free to be a family at last.
Of course, it takes Lev, my mom and Carter to load us all safely into my mother’s SUV before she proceeds to drive us all to the house at a snail’s pace. Lev jokes that she attempted to get a police escort for the drive but they’d refused. I kinda think she’s not really kidding.
“Home sweet home,” Carter murmurs from his window seat as we pull into the driveway. Evan is sandwiched between us while Lev took on the task of motivating my mother to at least maintain a legal speed below the limit.
“Everyone sit tight until I can help get you out,” my mother calls as she throws off her seatbelt and flings open her door. I follow her orders. Mostly because I have no choice. I’m not allowed to lift anything over ten pounds and the car seat definitely surpasses the weight limit. Even though Carter has no such restrictions, he humors my mother and lets her dote on us without interference.
Once we all make it inside, I’m escorted straight to the sofa where my mother places the car seat onto the coffee table to retrieve Evan and gently place her back into my arms where she belongs.
I’m so perfectly content in this moment, I sigh so loudly every head in the room turns in my direction. “Relax people. I’m happy. That was a happy noise.”