Sophie Hartley and the Facts of Life

by Stephanie Greene

  “It sounds like school,” said Nora. “That’s not negative about anyone in the family,” she added quickly when Mr. Hartley looked at her.

  “How was your day, Thad?” said Mr. Hartley.

  “Emily dumped me yesterday, so I was bummed for a bit,” Thad said.

  “Who’s Emily?”

  Ordinarily, Nora would have said, “Thad’s stuck-up girlfriend.” Instead, she told her dad, “Thad’s girlfriend.”

  “Ex-girlfriend,” Thad said.

  “I thought you were going out with someone called Mia,” said Mr. Hartley.

  “That was last month. What?” Nora protested when Thad looked at her. “I didn’t say anything negative. Dad wanted to know who Emily was.”

  “Well, I’m sorry Emily dumped you,” said Mr. Hartley.

  “Yeah. It’s really inconvenient.” Thad shrugged. “Now I have to find someone else to take to a party on Friday night.”

  “I’m going to a party on Friday night too.” Nora’s words came out in a rush. “Ian Bishop asked me. His mother’s driving us.”

  “Is this an official date?” her dad said.

  “I guess so.” Nora sounded surprised and pleased. “His mom’s picking up a few other kids on the way, but I’m the only one Ian asked.”

  “I know Ian Bishop,” said Thad.

  “You do?” said Nora.

  “He was at the soccer camp where I assisted last summer,” Thad said. “He plays the sax, right?”

  “Right.”

  “He’s a good guy.”

  “I know! Isn’t he great?”

  Sophie couldn’t remember the last time Nora had looked or sounded as happy.

  “Where’s the party and what time does it end?” Mr. Hartley asked.

  “You’re getting pretty good at this,” Sophie told him.

  “At Sammy Brown’s house,” Nora told him. “Mom knows Sammy from our old ballet carpool. Her parents will be there. And it ends at ten o’clock. Ian’s mom will bring me home.”

  “That sounds all right, then.” Mr. Hartley polished off his baked potato and put his fork and knife on his plate. “How about you, Sophie? I suppose you have a date for Friday night too?”

  “I’m never getting involved with that dumb boy-girl stuff,” Sophie said.

  “Don’t be so sure of that,” said Nora.

  “I’ve been learning yoga,” Sophie said. “I like it a lot. I’m good at it, too. A person can use their brain to control their whole body.”

  “Even her mouth?” said Mr. Hartley.

  “Wait a minute,” Nora said. “Isn’t that negative?”

  “Not at all,” said Mr. Hartley. “I was just commenting on an interesting fact.”

  “Yeah, right . . .”

  “They’re talking about having the football team do yoga,” said Thad. “Maybe you can show me a few moves.”

  “They’re called poses.”

  “I have my own news,” Mr. Hartley announced. “I invited Mrs. Dubowski to dinner Thursday night.”

  The young, good-looking Mrs. Dubowski? thought Sophie. Without their mother home?

  “You mean, like a date?” she said.

  “No, Sophie, not like a date,” said Mr. Hartley. “She dropped Maura off at lunchtime, and we started talking about food because I was fixing dinner. Mrs. Dubowski said she was making stuffed cabbage, so I told her that my mother used to make stuffed cabbage all the time when I was young and that I love it. She said she’d make enough for the whole family and drop it off on Thursday, so I invited her to stay and enjoy it with us.”

  “I want peanut butter,” said John.

  “Does Mom know?” said Sophie.

  “What’s to know?” Nora said, rolling her eyes.

  “Relax, Soph,” said Thad. “If Mrs. Dubowski tries anything, Dad’ll have five chaperones here to protect him.”

  They all laughed.

  “Protect him from what?” said John.

  “Nothing, John,” said Mr. Hartley. “Your brother’s being a wise guy. Eat up.”

  They finished the meal listening to John tell a long story about how he and Trevor had built a fort in the playground during recess and were having a really fun time playing war, but then this boy Jeffrey came along and tried to knock it down, so Trevor and John had done their tae kwon do on him and they’d all ended up being sent to the principal’s office.

  “Way to go, defending your territory,” said Thad.

  “That wasn’t so bad, now, was it?” Mr. Hartley asked when dinner was finished. “Wait. Before everyone gets up, I want each of you to say something nice about the meal.”

  There was a short silence. Then Thad said, “The food was good.”

  “The food was good,” said Nora.

  “The food was very good,” said Sophie.

  “The food was very, very, very—”

  “Okay, John. We get the picture.” Mr. Hartley laughed. “I guess I asked for that. You did a fine job, all of you.”

  “Whew!” Nora said while they were clearing the table. “I don’t know if I can take the pressure of too many more dinners like this. I’m exhausted.”

  “I may have to go a few rounds with the punching bag after being so nice,” said Thad. He snatched the last two french fries off John’s plate as he stood up.

  “Hey, you big bully!” John shouted.

  “PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE!”

  Everybody looked at Maura in astonishment.

  “Way to go, Maura!” said Thad.

  “That’s what the mouse says in the book!” Sophie cried. “It worked! I did it! I taught her how to talk!”

  “Now tell him to back off!” John coached. “Say, ‘Back off!’ real loud.”

  “What’s going on?” Mr. Hartley asked as they all clustered around Maura’s highchair.

  “That’s the longest sentence Maura has ever said,” Nora told him.

  “Wonderful. Just what this family needs,” her dad said. “Another talker.”

  Maura was pleased by all the attention. Thad and John high-fived her a few times, and then Nora lifted her out of her highchair and carried her upstairs to put her to bed. Mr. Hartley took John upstairs to show him his surprise, while Sophie swiped halfheartedly at the table with a sponge and Thad finished loading the dishwasher. When Sophie went into the family room to use the computer, she could hear John shouting and laughing in the bathroom.

  “What’s John doing?” Sophie asked when Nora came down.

  “Dad’s letting him brush his teeth in the bathtub,” said Nora.

  “In the same water that he washed in? That was his surprise?”

  “John thinks it’s great.”

  “I wonder how he got to be such a wacko,” Sophie said. She stood up. “I’m finished, if you want to use this.”

  “Good.” Nora sat down in front of the computer.

  “I think being Mr. Mom is getting to Dad, don’t you?” said Sophie. “I mean, having to be nice at dinner and everything.”

  “Ya think?” Nora said cheerfully. Sophie could tell she was still happy that Thad had said Ian was a good guy and that their dad had called it a date.

  “Or, to follow Dad’s rule,” Nora said. She stopped typing and looked at Sophie. “Maybe I should say, ‘My, what an interesting observation, sister dear.’”

  “I like that.”

  “Well, don’t get too used to it.”

  “Hey, Nora.” Thad stuck his head in the doorway on his way upstairs. “Tell Ian that if he tries any moves on Friday night, he’ll have to answer to me.”

  “Thad!” Nora cried.

  Sophie had never heard her sister sound so happy to say their brother’s name.

  Luckily, Nora was in the shower later when Mr. Hartley shouted, “Who took the pile of Maura’s clean clothes I left on the stairs?” Sophie ran up to the attic in her bare feet and brought them back down.

  “I probably shouldn’t ask why they were up there,” her dad said when she handed them to him.


  “Probably not,” Sophie said.

  “I should probably just be thankful none of you has done away with one of the others, at this point.”

  “Definitely.”

  “You know, Sophie,” Mr. Hartley said thoughtfully, “there’s a lot more to this motherhood business than meets the eye. Don’t rush into anything.”

  “Dad, I’m only ten.”

  “Right. Right.” Her dad turned and walked slowly down the hall. “Well, good night.”

  eight

  On Thursday, the fifth-grade girls filed past Mrs. Stearns’s room in the middle of the morning. Mrs. Stearns’s class were writing in their journals. The door was open, but there wasn’t a sound coming from the hall. Most of the girls walking past were looking straight ahead, as if they were going to something very serious. There was a kind of nervous, hushed feeling in the air.

  Sophie looked across the aisle to see if Jenna had noticed them. Jenna pinched her nose, making Sophie giggle.

  “How are you two coming with your stories?” Mrs. Stearns called.

  “Good.” They both hunched over their journals again.

  “Did you see them?” Alice said hurriedly when their class lined up for lunch. “How long do you think the movie will last?”

  “Who cares?” said Sophie.

  They were almost finished eating when the cafeteria doors flew open and the fifth-grade girls came in. They were making much more noise now, giggling and squealing, falling against one another and laughing. They moved toward tables in small packs.

  “I can’t believe what we have to do,” one of them squealed. She whispered something to another girl and they both shrieked.

  “It was so embarrassing,” said another.

  “What’s Destiny up to now?” Jenna said as Destiny moved slowly down the table next to theirs, stopping behind each girl to say something and make a mark in her notebook.

  “Knowing Destiny, she’s checking her RSVPs,” Sophie said.

  “What if you don’t find Nora’s book tonight?” Alice asked.

  “I will,” Sophie said.

  She didn’t feel at all confident, however. Time was running out. She had to either find the book or ask Nora herself. The idea of Nora’s reaction was excruciating, but Sophie was desperate. All she could hope was that Nora would be in a good mood because of her date. That would make it two nights in a row if she was, which was rare, but a miracle might happen.

  Sophie really needed a miracle.

  A miracle did happen. Two miracles. Well, one thing that made Sophie feel relieved, and one miracle.

  The first was that Sophie talked to her mother on the phone.

  “Did Dad tell you Mrs. Dubowski’s coming to dinner tonight?” Sophie said.

  “Yes. That was nice of Dad to invite her,” said Mrs. Hartley. “Her husband died when he was very young. She had to raise two children on her own and now she’s raising her grandchild.”

  “Grandchild?” said Sophie. “I thought she was the young, good-looking one.”

  Mrs. Hartley laughed. “Leave it to your father,” she said. “Gina McFarley was the one we ran into at the mall. Mrs. Dubowski is a lovely woman. You’ll enjoy her.”

  “We were joking with Dad about it being a date,” Sophie said.

  “Tell that to Mrs. Dubowski. She’ll get a kick out of it.”

  The second miracle was that when Nora got home from school, she was in great spirits. After Sophie handed the phone to their father, Nora reported that when she’d told Ian her brother was Thad from soccer camp, Ian had said that Thad was a really great guy.

  That was all it had taken. One “really great guy” and Nora was floating on air.

  “That means they like each other, so when Ian picks me up, Thad won’t try to embarrass me,” she told Sophie. “At least, he better not.”

  “Nora!” Mr. Hartley called from the kitchen. “Mom wants to talk to you.”

  “It’s probably about my date.” Nora rolled her eyes, but Sophie could tell she didn’t mind. “I’m sure Mom wants to give me all sorts of advice.”

  Nora came back with the phone pressed to her ear and wandered around the family room as she talked. Sophie worked on the computer and tried to act as if she weren’t eavesdropping.

  “Dad keeps calling it an official date,” Nora said. “Like there’s an unofficial date.”

  She seemed to like saying date—she’d been repeating it a lot. While Mrs. Hartley answered, Nora walked over to Mr. Hartley’s favorite chair to inspect her face in the mirror above it. She smoothed first one eyebrow and then the other with the tip of her finger. “I know . . . I know . . . Did you tell him not to tell any corny jokes?” Nora gathered her hair on top of her head with one hand and smiled at herself in the mirror. She was practicing smiling at Ian. Sophie had watched her do that many times when they’d shared a bedroom.

  Nora never smiled like that at anyone in the family. They all would have thought she was sick.

  “Good,” Nora said. “And I don’t have to worry about Thad. He’s going on a date too.”

  There it was again.

  Then, “Mom! I already know that.”

  Sophie looked up, alarmed. Nora sounded more like her old annoyed self. Please please please, Sophie pleaded silently. Don’t spoil things, Mom. Not now.

  “Okay. I said I will, and I will.” Nora frowned.

  Say date, say date, Sophie urged. That’ll make Nora happy again.

  “I wish you were too,” Nora said. “Except you’d probably want to take pictures and I’d die of embarrassment.”

  Nora listened for another moment, and then her smile came back and she laughed. “Okay,” she said. “I love you, too.”

  Sophie couldn’t remember the last time she’d heard Nora tell their mother she loved her. This wonderful mood couldn’t go on much longer.

  It was now or never.

  When Nora walked past Sophie’s room before dinner as Sophie was lying on her bed reading, Sophie called, “Nora?”

  She didn’t have a clue as to what she was going to say.

  There was a short silence and then Nora appeared in her doorway. “What?” she said. She glanced at her watch. “You have exactly ten seconds. I have to go up and try on the skirt I bought for Sammy’s party.”

  Sophie shut her book and sat up. “Do you remember the movie?” she asked.

  Nora looked puzzled.

  “Some girls say ‘the movie.’”

  Nora’s face cleared and she laughed. “Oh, the movie,” she drawled, sounding just like Destiny. “Don’t tell me they make girls watch that in the fourth grade these days.”

  “No, it’s still the fifth grade,” Sophie said. “But the fifth graders saw it today, and now all the fourth-grade girls are dying to know what it’s about.”

  “The lead-up to that thing is so embarrassing.” Nora came in slowly and sat on the end of what had been her bed when they’d shared the room. “For a whole year before, everybody dreads it, but it’s not so bad when you finally see it. Well, it’s kind of weird when you’re watching it, but you get over it.” She stopped. “You don’t want me to tell you about it, do you?”

  “Nonononono,” said Sophie.

  “Whew.”

  “It’s just that there’s this girl, Destiny . . .” Sophie told Nora about Destiny’s meeting and Alice’s invitation and what Destiny had said about the facts of life and being immature. “Now, whenever she and Hailey walk past us, they pretend they’re crying like babies.”

  “She sounds like Lisa Kellogg,” Nora said. “In the fifth grade, Lisa went around telling everyone that if she ever got a French poodle, she was going to name it Nora after my hair. She and all of her friends made barking noises when I walked by. I still can’t stand her.”

  “So you understand,” Sophie said. Then, sheepishly: “Oh, and it kind of ended up that I’m holding a meeting too.”

  “You’re holding a meeting when you’re completely clueless?” Nora said. “I don�
��t know how you get yourself into these things.”

  “I don’t know either,” Sophie said. “But there are going to be about ten girls and they’ll all be looking at me and I don’t know what to tell them. All I need are a few things I can say. Most girls my age don’t want to know everything. At least, the girls coming to my meeting don’t. They just want to know a tiny bit. Two key words or something. That’s all I need.”

  Thad popped his head in the door and looked interested. “Two key words about what?” he said, with his uncanny older-brother knack of knowing exactly when his sisters didn’t want him around.

  “Don’t say anything,” Sophie begged Nora.

  “Poor Sophie,” Nora told him. “The fifth-grade girls went to see that movie today that we were all forced to watch. Don’t you remember? The one about ‘the beauty of human development,’ as they called it.” Nora snorted. “Who do they think they’re kidding?”

  “Yeah. They should come right out and call it The Weird and Bizarre Things Your Body Is About to Go Through but Nobody Wants to Talk About,” Thad said. “Then kids could laugh about it.”

  “I’m so embarrassed.” Sophie fell backwards and put her pillow over her face.

  “Hey, come on, Sophie, I’m your brother,” Thad said.

  “That’s why she’s embarrassed.” Nora took Sophie by the arm and pulled her to a seated position. “Come on. Sit up.”

  “It’s not a big deal,” Thad said. “You’ll be fine.”

  “Everyone treats it like a big deal,” Sophie said glumly.

  “A girl in her class named Destiny is giving her a hard time about it,” Nora said.

  “All I need is two key words,” said Sophie.

  “That’s easy,” Thad said. “Hormones and glands.”

  “Hormones and glands,” Sophie repeated.

  “Thad, are you sure . . . ?” Nora said doubtfully.

  “Relax.” Thad perched on the stool at Sophie’s art table. “Sophie has the right to know. After all, she’s . . . what are you now, Soph, eleven?”

  “Ten.”

  “Ten, then.”

  “And you’re going to be the one to tell her?” Nora slowly shook her head. “I’m not sure I can stick around for this.”