by Helen Warner
Amy was a different matter. Emily had told her what had happened and she had called Sophie in floods of tears. ‘It should have been me… not you!’ she wailed.
Sophie had reeled in shock. ‘What? God, no, Amy, don’t say that.’
But Amy’s words were unstoppable. ‘I don’t even want this bloody baby, Sophie,’ she continued. ‘I thought I was losing my baby too… the day after you. And I was glad! I wanted to lose it.’
Sophie stared at the phone in horror, completely at a loss for what to say. ‘No…’ she stuttered, eventually. ‘You don’t mean that.’
‘I do mean it! If I could swap places with you, I would. This is all so wrong.’
Sophie’s legs felt wobbly and she had to sit down. ‘If you’re trying to make me feel better, Amy, it’s not working.’
Amy continued to sob on the other end of the line while Sophie listened. ‘Amy?’ she said, when the crying eventually subsided to a hiccough. ‘What’s going on? What’s made you feel like this? If it’s guilt on my behalf, then please don’t. There’s no need.’
‘It’s not guilt. Well, yes, it is guilt, I suppose. It just all feels so wrong, Sophie. You really, really wanted your baby. And I really, really don’t.’
Sophie gasped.
‘I know!’ Amy continued. ‘I know it’s an evil thing to say. But it’s how I feel. Oh God, I don’t know what to do…’ She descended into another bout of sobbing so violent that Sophie began to feel seriously alarmed.
‘Right,’ she said, trying to sound controlled and firm. ‘You need to calm down. Do you want me to come over?’
‘No! No…’ There was genuine panic in Amy’s voice. ‘You mustn’t come over. Promise me you won’t come over?’
Sophie frowned. ‘OK, OK! I won’t come over. But you’re worrying me, Amy. You need to talk to someone.’
Amy blew her nose on the other end of the phone. ‘I’m talking to you, aren’t I?’
Sophie shook her head. She was worried about Amy but she couldn’t deal with this right now. She had enough worries of her own. ‘Look, Amy… I’m going to get Emily to call you, OK? I’m in no state to offer advice and I just can’t…’ She tailed off as the tears began to overflow. Amy was right, it was so unfair. She had wanted her baby so much. But now he was gone. Yet Amy’s was still there – growing, kicking, alive. Unwanted. How could that be right?
‘I’m so sorry, Soph,’ Amy started to say. But Sophie had rung off.
She locked herself in the bathroom and allowed herself to cry for five minutes. Then she wiped her face, blew her nose and stood up straight. She couldn’t afford to crumple. She owed it to Emma and Steve to get through this and stay strong.
Emily answered immediately. ‘Soph? Are you OK?’
Sophie took a deep, shuddery breath. ‘Yes, I’m fine. But Amy’s not. Can you call her, Em? I just don’t have the strength to deal with it right now…’
‘Of course.’ Emily’s tone was brisk and businesslike.
‘I’m worried about her. She’s in a bad way.’
‘Worse than in Ireland?’
‘Yes. Definitely worse. But I offered to go over and she panicked. It’s him…’
Emily sighed. ‘I know. God, what a mess. Listen, Soph, you shouldn’t be worrying about this now. Leave it to me. I’ll call her.’
‘Thanks, Em. Will you let me know how you get on?’
Emily hesitated. ‘I’ll only tell you what I need to. You’ve got enough on your plate.’
‘OK. Thank you.’
It would be another month before Sophie spoke to Amy again, by which time she sounded much calmer and seemed to have got her head together. They didn’t discuss her earlier outburst and when Sophie asked how the pregnancy was progressing, Amy had breezily assured her it was fine.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Amy opened the door nervously, like someone who was terrified of being attacked on her own doorstep. As her eyes alighted on Emily, they widened in horror. ‘Em! What are you doing here?’
‘I’ve come to see you.’ Emily tried to keep her face passive but she was so shocked by Amy’s appearance that it was a huge effort. It was only a week or so since she had last seen her but she seemed to have aged years in that time. ‘Aren’t you going to invite me in?’
Amy hesitated and for a moment Emily thought she might refuse but eventually, reluctantly, she opened the door a bit wider and moved to one side. Emily stepped into the hallway and immediately shivered. It was a beautiful house. Perfect, in fact. But there was something cold and forbidding about it. The air seemed to hang thick with tension. They faced each other awkwardly. ‘I was worried about you. Sophie told me about your phone call. I thought it best I come round.’
Amy reddened. ‘I’m fine. I just had a bad moment. I felt terrible for Sophie. About what happened.’
Emily nodded. ‘Why are you wearing a scarf? It’s boiling hot.’
Amy’s eyes slid away. ‘Sore throat,’ she muttered. ‘I thought it might help. Anyway, do you want a coffee?’
Emily nodded. ‘Yes, please. Where’s Megan?’
Amy busied herself making coffee while Emily pulled up a chair at the kitchen table. ‘She’s out with her nanny.’
Emily watched Amy as she moved around the kitchen. She was hunched over and her hand kept moving to her neck to adjust the pale blue cashmere scarf she had wrapped around it. It was obviously irritating her. ‘Why don’t you take that scarf off, Amy? It looks really uncomfortable.’
Amy stopped spooning coffee into the cafetière and turned to look at Emily. Without her saying a word, Emily knew.
‘Look, Amy, you don’t have to stay. You have options.’
‘No. Actually I don’t.’
There was such a defeatist tone to her voice that it made Emily prickle with annoyance. ‘There are always options, Amy. You could come and stay with me for a while.’
‘In your little flat?’ Amy put the coffee down in front of Emily and shook her head. ‘There wouldn’t be enough room for us all.’
Emily sighed with frustration. ‘We’d manage. For goodness’ sake, Amy, the most important thing is your happiness… And your safety,’ she added, aware that she was overstepping a boundary.
Amy picked up her cup and took a sip of her coffee, deep in thought. ‘But, Megan… he’d make sure…’
‘Bring her with you, of course,’ Emily urged, trying to keep the impatience out of her voice. ‘Pack a few things and come with me now. Before he gets home.’
Amy’s hands started to shake. ‘I don’t know…’ she said, her breath catching. She looked like an animal caught in a trap.
‘You do know. Come on, Amy, you need to leave. You can’t carry on like this.’
Amy’s face hardened, as if she was steeling herself for battle, and she stood up shakily. ‘Oh God,’ she whispered to herself. ‘What am I doing? OK,’ she said, giving Emily a pleading look. ‘OK. Wait here.’
Emily waited, her heart pounding. It was ten past four. As the hands of the clock creaked through the minutes, she inwardly prayed that Nick wouldn’t come home early for some reason. She hated to admit it but she was scared of him. It seemed impossible and ridiculous to be scared of that handsome, charming, thoughtful man, who had so beguiled them all at the beginning. She imagined how it must be for Amy, living with that fear day after day.
By the time Amy reappeared, clutching a large overnight bag, it was almost four thirty. Emily stood up and swallowed, meeting Amy’s terrified eyes with what she hoped was an encouraging expression. ‘OK. Let’s go.’
Amy’s eyes widened. ‘I can’t go without Megan! We have to wait for her to come home.’
Emily’s heart sank. ‘Of course.’ She sat back down. ‘When will she be back?’
Amy looked at her watch. ‘Soon. They’ve been gone an hour.’
Emily nodded. ‘OK. Well, just make sure you’ve got everything you need so that we can leave straight away.’
‘I have.’ Amy sat down o
pposite Emily and stared at the clock, as if willing it to stay put. After what seemed like an hour but was only five minutes, the front door opened. ‘That’s them!’ Amy jumped up and ran to greet the young nanny, who was pushing Megan in an expensive, upmarket buggy.
She wheeled her into the kitchen and gestured towards Emily with a quizzical expression. ‘Oh… Suki, this is my good friend, Emily,’ Amy gabbled the introduction.
‘Hi,’ Suki said, without looking at Emily.
Emily took an instant dislike to her. ‘Hi,’ she replied, her chilly tone matching Suki’s.
Suki bent down and began to undo Megan’s straps.
‘Oh no! It’s OK, leave her. We’re going out.’ Amy picked up her bag.
‘Really? It’s nearly time for Megan’s tea.’ Suki tilted her head, so that her mane of golden hair fell in perfect ripples over her right shoulder. She was undeniably beautiful but Emily could tell from the malicious glint in her cold blue eyes that she was as hard as nails. She was no friend of Amy’s, that was for sure.
‘Yes, Amy’s coming shopping with me,’ Emily said, standing up. Without realizing it, she had automatically squared up to Suki.
‘Oh. OK.’ With a last suspicious scowl at Emily, Suki shrugged and unhooked her handbag from the buggy. ‘Well, I guess I’ll just go and watch TV for a while…’ As she walked out of the kitchen, she was already texting on her mobile phone.
Emily looked at Amy, who she could see was quivering with fear. How the hell had Nick had this effect on her? And how could she stand sharing her child with someone as vile as Suki? ‘Ready?’
Amy hesitated. ‘Yes. No.’
Emily tried not to let the prickles of irritation she was feeling show. Amy bent down and stroked Megan’s face. The little girl tilted her dark head towards Amy’s hand and smiled a gummy smile, instantly reminding Emily of Jack at the same age. It was such a magical time, when they were just beginning to talk and walk. ‘Drink?’ Megan said, with another imploring smile. She was adorable.
‘You want a drink, darling?’ Amy kissed Megan’s forehead. ‘OK, Mummy’s going to get you a drink and then we’re going out.’
‘Get out?’ Megan replied, tugging impatiently at the straps holding her into her buggy.
‘No, sweetheart, just stay there for a minute while I get you a drink.’ Amy was already filling a baby cup with water.
‘Want to get out!’ wailed Megan, her bottom lip protruding. Emily knew there was an almighty tantrum brewing. She recognized the signs. ‘Why don’t I take her out of her buggy and carry her?’
Amy nodded, flustered. ‘Sure. Oh damn!’ The cup she was trying to put a lid on tipped over and the water pooled onto the floor. While Emily undid Megan’s straps and lifted her out of her buggy Amy was mopping up the spill with kitchen paper.
Emily looked at the clock nervously. ‘Come on, Amy. We really need to go.’
‘I know!’ Amy finished mopping the floor and refilled the cup.
‘Right, put your bag in the pram and I’ll carry Megan. Oh no…’ She tailed off as a familiar smell reached her nostrils.
‘What?’ Amy looked up at her in alarm.
‘I think someone’s nappy needs changing. But, look, let’s just leave and we can find a loo somewhere along the way.’ As if on cue, Megan burst into noisy tears, her little fat cheeks flaming red.
Amy instinctively reached out for Megan and cuddled her to her chest, stroking her hair. ‘No, I’ll change her. It’ll only take a couple of minutes.’ She whisked her out of the room before Emily could object.
The sense of foreboding that Emily had started to feel began to grow. She somehow knew what was going to happen next before it happened. Sure enough, the front door opened and Nick walked in. ‘Hi, Emily,’ he said, with a wide, even smile. He kissed her on both cheeks and threw his arms out. ‘This is a lovely surprise.’
Emily narrowed her eyes at him. He was convincing, she’d give him that. No one would ever guess what a nasty piece of work he was. ‘Hi, Nick.’
‘Where’s Amy?’ He gazed around the kitchen, as if expecting her to materialize from one of the cupboards. As he did so, his eyes alighted on something. Emily watched in fascination as he walked over to the large sideboard behind the table and moved a candle just a couple of centimetres to the right. Then he swung around and smiled again at Emily, sending a chill down her spine.
‘She’s just upstairs changing Megan.’
‘Ah…’ There was an awkward pause. Then Nick spotted Amy’s overnight bag. ‘Going somewhere, were you?’
Emily hesitated, aware that this was potentially a dangerous situation. ‘Shopping,’ she said, her tone as light as she could make it.
Nick’s smile slipped a fraction and he looked at his watch theatrically. ‘Odd time to go shopping. Ah, and here she comes,’ he added, as Amy’s footsteps could be heard on the stairs.
Amy rushed into the kitchen carrying Megan and sat her in her pushchair seemingly not having noticed Nick leaning against the sideboard. ‘Sorry, that took longer than I thought.’ She did up Megan’s straps and stood. ‘Right, let’s go quickly before I change my mind.’
‘Why don’t you leave Megan here, darling? You don’t want to be bogged down with a pram on your shopping trip.’
Amy jumped as if she’d been shot. ‘Nick! What are you doing home so early?’ she stammered, her pale cheeks flaming instantly.
‘Oh, I got a text from Suki. She wanted me to help her with something. Anyway, sweetheart,’ he continued, unstrapping Megan and lifting her out of her buggy, while Amy watched open-mouthed. ‘At least you can go shopping unencumbered, eh?’ He cuddled Megan and began to bounce up and down on the balls of his feet, making her giggle with delight.
Amy looked helplessly at Emily. Emily felt a sudden, desperate urge to punch Nick hard in his smug, handsome face. Only the fact that he was holding Megan prevented her. ‘Nick’s right,’ she said, knowing that her voice was quavering with anger. ‘We can shop unencumbered, Amy. Come on, let’s go.’ But she already knew that Amy wouldn’t be coming with her. She couldn’t. If she left without Megan, he would see to it that she never got her back.
Amy shook her head, almost imperceptibly. ‘Maybe another day?’ Her voice was barely louder than a whisper.
For a moment, Emily considered snatching Megan out of Nick’s arms and telling Amy to run but there were too many risks and besides, he was so much stronger than her. Instead, she nodded, holding Amy’s desperately sad eyes with her own, trying to convey to her that everything would be OK. But she felt defeated. As she made her way towards the door, she turned to look back at Nick. ‘I like Amy’s scarf,’ she said, fixing him with a cold stare. ‘A nice present from you, I take it?
Nick’s dark eyes clouded and he pointedly turned his back on her. ‘Goodbye, Emily. Lovely to see you as always.’
As Amy opened the front door to show her out, Emily hugged her, whispering in her ear. ‘Call me as soon as you can. It doesn’t matter what time of day or night it is, I will come and get you. You can’t stay here.’
Amy let out a low, guttural sob. ‘I can’t leave either,’ she whispered back, her voice hoarse.
As the door closed behind her and Emily trudged down the beautiful stone steps, she felt as if she had just abandoned a puppy in the middle of a motorway.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
‘Can I see him?’ Sophie had followed Amy out to the kitchen after the main course.
Amy put down the plates she was holding and looked up at Sophie with a slight frown. ‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’
Sophie nodded. ‘As long as you’re OK with it?’
Amy ran a hand over her forehead. ‘Yes, of course. Follow me.’
They climbed the stairs to the first floor. Amy tiptoed into a darkened room where a little bundle was sleeping soundly in his cot. She switched on the moon-shaped lamp on the chest of drawers and Sophie gazed down at him in the soft light it threw out. He was lying on his back with
his arms stretched out either side of him, his palms clenched into tiny fists. His mouth was slightly open and his breathing was snuffly, as his chest rose and fell inside his snow-white Babygro. Beside him lay a small, white, fluffy dog.
Sophie reached out to touch his soft, downy head. ‘He’s perfect, Amy.’
Amy put her arm around Sophie and leaned her head on her shoulder. ‘He’s why I couldn’t leave, Sophie. Him and Megan.’
‘I know. We all know.’ Sophie continued to stare at the sleeping child. George, they had named him. Sophie had never told anyone but that was the name she had chosen for her baby boy. In a strange way that she couldn’t really understand herself, she took some comfort that Amy had used the same name.
And she felt comforted in finally seeing him too. She hadn’t been ready before. It was too raw. So she had sent a present she had lovingly chosen and sent it by post instead. It was the fluffy dog that was lying beside him now.
‘I’m so sorry you lost your baby, Sophie… And I’m sorry for what I said when I called you. I didn’t mean it.’
Sophie pulled her eyes away from the baby and turned towards Amy. ‘Thank you. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to see him before now. But I’m so glad I have. It helps, in a weird sort of way.’
Amy nodded and gave Sophie a quick, slightly embarrassed hug. ‘Shall we go back and join the others?’
As they walked down the stairs, Sophie put her hand on Amy’s arm. ‘How are things now? Between you and Nick?’
Amy didn’t look up. ‘Good. Fine. Everything’s fine.’ The words rattled off her tongue unconvincingly. Sophie decided to let it drop. Maybe having another baby had helped. Amy certainly seemed calmer and less stressed.
‘Resigned,’ Melissa corrected her, as they drove away from Amy’s later that evening. ‘She’s not calm. She’s resigned to her fate.’
‘Oh God, don’t say that.’ Sophie glanced at Melissa as she drove towards the tube station.
‘Melissa’s right, I’m afraid,’ said Emily from the back seat. She sounded frustrated and annoyed. ‘She’s completely trapped. If she was to leave him, he’d come after her. I can’t believe she’s still got that same bloody nanny, too. She’s seriously bad news and I guarantee she’s sleeping with Nick.’