by Helen Warner
‘So it could never have been Anton’s baby…?’ Amy took a sip of her tea and fixed Emily with a hard stare.
‘No.’ Emily allowed a gulf of silence to build up between them. She knew the next question that was going to come out of Amy’s mouth. But she didn’t want to hear it.
Amy too, seemed to be holding her breath, as if she didn’t want to ask it.
‘So…’ she said at last, her tone almost resigned. ‘If Anton isn’t Jack’s father… then who is?’
Emily’s mind spooled back to the moment the midwife first handed Jack to her after a long, painful labour. Beside her, her mother’s face was already suffused with love, instead of the disappointed expression she had worn ever since Emily first broke the news of her pregnancy to her dumbstruck parents.
If she could travel back in time, would she really delete that moment, so that Jack had never existed? She knew, despite the desperate fear of what her revelation was going to do to the people she loved most in the world, that she wouldn’t change a thing. She took a deep, shuddery breath and reached out to take Amy’s hand in hers, willing her not to hate her for what she was about to say.
‘Steve is Jack’s father.’
She managed to avoid him without arousing suspicion. Everyone was working hard for their final exams and there was very little socializing. Emily hid out at her halls of residence, speaking only to Sophie, Amy and Melissa on the phone.
In the exam hall, she kept her head down and avoided eye contact with everyone, scuttling back to her room as soon as she possibly could the moment it was over. No one questioned it. Emily had always been driven. Had always been the most academic of the group. Destined for a first, as Anton had told her many times.
She was good at blanking things out. At pretending it wasn’t happening. So she ignored the symptoms and buried herself in her books.
By the time her finals were over, she had convinced herself that she had imagined the whole thing. So when she finally came face to face with him at a party to celebrate the end of their studies, she was ready.
‘Hi, Emily.’ His eyes shifted nervously as he leaned forward to give her a chaste kiss on the cheek.
‘Hello, Steve,’ she replied, smiling confidently. ‘So, how were the exams for you?’ She helped herself to a drink from the groaning table and looked up at him, hoping to convey an impression of calm insouciance.
A flicker of confusion crossed his face. ‘Uh, OK. They were OK. Yeah. You?’
Emily nodded. ‘Good, I think. I hope.’ She crossed her fingers and held them up.
He gave a small smile. ‘You’ll do well, I’m sure… You’ve always worked really hard.’
‘Yes, I have.’ Emily’s face was beginning to ache with the effort of maintaining her rictus smile.
‘Look, Em, about that night…’ He glanced over his shoulder, checking whether he might be in any danger of being overheard. ‘I’m so sorry. Obviously, it should never have happened.’
Emily’s eyes scanned the room cautiously before she replied. ‘What night? I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
A visible wave of relief passed over his features and he reached out to hug her. She allowed herself to be pulled into his arms for a few seconds, his smell instantly transporting her back to her single bed, his naked body covering hers. But with an almighty effort, she willed the images away. It hadn’t happened. He was never there.
‘There you are!’ said a voice, as Sophie danced up to them and gave Emily a playful nudge. ‘I thought you were dead!’
‘No.’ Emily shook her head. ‘I was just in hiding, that’s all.’
There was a long, shocked silence before Amy shook her head emphatically. ‘No. He’s not. Steve is not Jack’s father.’
Emily opened her mouth to speak but Amy put her hand up to silence her, her face set like stone. ‘Don’t ever, ever say that again.’ She swallowed, then nodded, her face softening very slightly. ‘I know you’ve been under an enormous strain recently, but to say something like that… it’s unforgivable.’
Emily was almost relieved by Amy’s reaction. She hesitated. Should she pretend she had made it all up and blame the stress she was under? It would be so much easier. But ultimately, the truth would have to come out, in order to give Jack any hope of finding a sibling match. She had opened the Pandora’s box and there was no closing it again. ‘Amy… I’m going to say it again. Because it’s the truth. I wish it wasn’t, but it is. Steve is Jack’s biological father.’
A wave of fury passed over Amy’s features. ‘Jesus! How could you?’ She stood up and marched to the window, turning her back on Emily and folding her arms across herself.
Emily swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry. ‘It was a drunken one-night stand, Amy. Nothing more. We were both horrified by what we’d done. We agreed to forget it ever happened.’
Amy didn’t reply for several seconds. ‘I can’t believe that Steve ignored his own son for all these years—’
‘He didn’t,’ Emily interrupted quickly. She stood up on her shaking legs and joined Amy at the window. She tried to meet her eye but Amy steadfastly refused to look at her. ‘He’s never known.’
Amy threw Emily a contemptuous look. ‘You lied to him too?’
Emily’s stomach swirled with shame. ‘Yes.’
‘Oh my God.’ Amy shook her head repeatedly. ‘What a bloody mess.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Emily’s legs would no longer support her and she sank back down onto one of the chairs, her whole body shaking.
‘It’s not me you need to apologize to!’ Amy snapped.
‘I know.’
There was a long, heavy silence, before Amy spoke again. ‘So when were you thinking of telling them? Not today, I hope?’
‘No, of course not! I… well, I thought maybe when they get back from their honeymoon.’
Amy closed her eyes. ‘Poor Sophie. After all she’s done for you.’
‘Don’t. Please, Amy, however much you hate me right now, I can promise you it’s not a fraction of how much I hate myself. I would have happily taken this to my grave, but my son will die if I don’t find a match and Steve’s kids represent his best chance. What choice do I have?’
Amy finally turned to look at Emily, her eyes brimming with tears. ‘Just make sure you don’t ruin today for them. You owe them that, at least.’
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
‘Are you ready, darling?’ Her dad crooked his arm for her to take it. ‘It’s not too late to change your mind!’
Sophie laughed and looked behind her at Emma, who was dressed in a white organza dress and ballet pumps, and Theo, who held her hand, looking proud in a miniature version of his dad’s grey suit. ‘I think it’s definitely too late to change my mind, Dad!’
She linked her arm through his and together they walked through the arch-shaped doorway into the church. As the organ began to play the bridal march, she felt a swell of joy deep inside her. Without her realizing it, this was the moment her life had been building towards. Her perfect moment.
As they walked down the aisle, she smiled at distant relatives from either side of their families, various friends and numerous work colleagues. As she drew level with Mark Bailey, she leaned towards him. ‘I can’t believe you made it on time,’ she hissed. Mark flashed her a dazzling white smile and winked.
Further down the aisle, she passed Amy, Emily and Melissa, all crying openly as they looked towards her, causing a lump to catch in Sophie’s throat. Finally, she reached Steve, who had watched her with a wide, proud smile from the moment she had walked through the door.
She drew to a halt beside him and automatically reached for his hand – his smooth, reassuring hand, which had supported her through the good and the bad times of their life together. ‘You look beautiful,’ he told her, before turning to give Emma and Theo a tiny thumbs-up.
The service was simple and short but what took Sophie by surprise was just how emotional it was. There had never been any doubt about their
commitment to one another, but actually saying the words in front of all their loved ones was a powerful and moving experience.
As they walked down the aisle together, she was still fighting back the tears. She looked up at Steve as they emerged into the sunshine and could see that he was the same. ‘Why didn’t we do this ten years ago?’ She reached up to kiss him and they held each other for a few seconds before the rest of the congregation burst out of the church behind them, led by an overexcited Emma and Theo. ‘Mummy and Daddy are married!’ cried Emma, waving her posy of flowers in the air and dancing from foot to foot.
As they greeted everyone with delighted smiles and kisses, Sophie felt a hand on her back. ‘Congratulations, lovely Sophie.’ She turned to face Amy, who looked extraordinarily stunning in a simple, pale green silk dress that perfectly complemented her tumbling auburn mane and her vivid green eyes. Sophie always thought it ironic that Amy looked so much more Irish than her.
‘Thank you. I hope that wasn’t too difficult for you…’ Sophie motioned towards the church. The last wedding they had all attended together had been Amy and Nick’s. She knew the memories would be looming large for Amy today.
Amy shook her head, giving Sophie a tight hug. ‘Still worrying about everyone else, even on your wedding day.’ She pulled away and gave Sophie a stern look. ‘Today is about you, Soph. You and Steve.’ She glanced at Steve. ‘Whatever lies ahead, you need to focus on today and remember how happy you are.’
Sophie frowned, wondering distractedly what Amy meant. ‘I will. Where’s Emily? And Melissa?’
Amy held Sophie’s gaze for a second before replying. ‘They’re both here.’
‘Is everything OK, Amy?’ Sophie searched Amy’s face, instinctively sensing that something was wrong.
Amy nodded emphatically. ‘Everything’s fine. You just make sure you enjoy every minute of today.’
‘I will,’ Sophie turned away as Emma tugged at her dress. ‘Come on, Mummy! We need to have the boring old photos done so that we can go and eat cake!’
As they posed for the photographs, Sophie watched the guests milling about in the grounds of the church. Mark Bailey had one hand in his trouser pocket, no doubt feeling for his mobile phone, while with the other he shook hands and posed for numerous snaps. She sometimes forgot just how famous he was these days. It seemed only five minutes since he had asked her to help him set up his fledgling company. What a lucky break that had been for her.
And a lucky break for Melissa too, who had turned her life around when she joined them. She watched her now, standing with Emily, yet never taking her eyes off Mark. Melissa thought Sophie didn’t know about their relationship but of course, she did. She had known for a long time, thanks to the rumour-mills at work. Nothing stayed secret for very long.
But she was waiting to see if Melissa would tell her herself and the longer it went on, the more she wondered why she had never discussed it with her. She hoped Melissa didn’t think she’d be angry. The opposite was true. But she did worry about Melissa. Worry that she would get hurt. Mark was a wonderful man but he wasn’t the type to settle down. He wasn’t even the type to settle for one woman. He didn’t mean to be cruel but he couldn’t help himself.
Beside Melissa, Emily looked tense and exhausted, much as she had for the past ten months. Sophie felt her heart clench in sympathy for her old friend. She had been under such a huge strain for so long and she didn’t have anything like the level of support Sophie did. She just hoped that Jack would make a full recovery so that Emily could try to move on with her life. It was as if she was stuck in limbo until he was better.
At that moment, Amy’s nanny, Dean, brought Megan and George over to stand with Amy. Sophie smiled to herself as she caught the look in Amy’s eye when she saw him approaching. She watched the way her face lit up and how she flirtatiously twirled a strand of hair around her finger as they spoke to each other.
‘Stop it.’ Steve leaned down to kiss her, his eyes crinkling with amusement.
Sophie beamed up at him, adopting her most innocent expression. ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’
‘You, Mrs Montgomery, are matchmaking. Don’t try and deny it.’
‘I’m not really.’ Sophie looked back over at Amy and Dean, who were both bending down to talk to the children. ‘But you have to admit, they make a good couple.’
Steve followed her gaze and gave a reluctant nod. ‘OK. Maybe you’re right. He’s actually a great guy. She could do a lot worse.’
‘I’m so pleased for her. She deserves to find someone nice. They all do…’ Her eyes moved to Emily and Melissa, who both looked thoroughly miserable. ‘I just want everyone to be as happy as we are.’ She reached up and kissed Steve tenderly. ‘After all that we’ve been through, it feels like we’re invincible. There is nothing that could come between us now.’
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
Emily’s legs were shaking as she walked into the kitchen where Sophie and Steve were waiting. She had asked to see them together, a few days after they had returned from their short honeymoon in Paris. She knew what she had to do. She also knew that she should have done it fifteen years ago when she first found out she was pregnant. But she had made her decision then and there was no going back on it.
Emily left Anton’s hotel just after dawn and began to walk along the river in the misty, early light, heading for Greenwich where her parents lived. They had left her graduation party, telling Emily to have fun with your friends and enjoy yourself, unaware that she was planning to go to a hotel with her tutor and spend the night with him.
Anton had kissed her goodbye with such tenderness that morning that she knew it was about more than just sex. It always had been. They had a deeper, more spiritual connection. But it was over, nonetheless. He would be catching a train back to Durham, returning to his wife and children, and she doubted whether she would ever see him again. There was no reason why their paths would ever need to cross now that she had left university, and the sadness she felt at this knowledge was like a dead weight inside her.
As she walked, watching London begin to wake up for the day ahead, she knew she had to look towards the future now and make a decision. It wasn’t too late. All her options were still open.
She put a hand to her stomach, which was becoming slightly rounder already. There was a new tautness to her skin and her breasts had noticeably begun to swell. Then there was the endless, relentless nausea and the bone-crushing tiredness. She could put a stop to it all. Her life wouldn’t need to change and she could fulfil the hopes and dreams she had always held. No one need ever know and she could live her life as if that awful, fateful night had never happened.
Except… she would know. She would have to look at herself in the mirror every morning. And, more than that, she really wanted this baby. Yes it would be the convenient, most sensible option to have an abortion. But she knew herself well enough to know that there was no way she could ever go through with it. She already loved this baby, however much she tried not to. And it would be easy to let everyone assume that Anton was the father. He wasn’t going to be around to deny it. By the time she arrived home, with both her heart and her feet aching, she had reached her decision.
It was several weeks before she told Steve. She wondered if she deliberately left it so long because she wanted it to be too late. She called him to ask if he would meet her at a busy coffee shop near Covent Garden.
He arrived looking ashen, his normally tanned skin carrying a faint, green tinge. He could barely meet her eye and kept glancing around nervously. After a few moments of awkward small talk, she took a deep breath. ‘Steve, I thought you should know that I’m pregnant.’
Steve’s face froze in horror. He opened his mouth to say something but quickly closed it again, apparently unable to speak.
Emily swallowed and prepared for the greatest acting scene of her life. ‘It’s not yours, Steve.’ Her eyes searched his, as she willed herself not to show any sign of doubt
or uncertainty. ‘I know who the father is… and it’s not you.’
Steve stared at her for a few seconds, before his face seemed to melt with relief. ‘Not mine?’ he repeated, his voice croaky and breathless.
Emily shook her head firmly. ‘No. I don’t want to say who the father is because… well, it’s complicated. But I am one hundred per cent certain that it’s not you.’
Steve blinked back a tear and exhaled with relief, the colour already returning to his complexion. ‘How can you be so sure?’ He looked at her with a pleading expression, wanting her to provide him with a convincing answer.
She paused for a moment, thinking. ‘I took the morning-after pill, just in case.’
Steve gave her a small, grateful smile and nodded. ‘OK.’
‘I haven’t told Sophie and the others yet because I wanted to speak to you first. I knew what you would think…’ She tailed off, suddenly feeling exhausted and emotional.
Steve nodded again. ‘Thank you.’
There was a short silence, as both of them drank their coffee, deep in thought.
‘Tell me to mind my own business if you want to,’ Steve began nervously. ‘But are you and the father in a relationship?’
Emily placed her cup in its saucer and shook her head. ‘Not any more. As I said, it’s complicated.’
‘Does he know?’
Emily thought for a second before answering. ‘No. I think it’s for the best. I don’t want him to know,’ she added, in a stern voice.
Steve gave her a concerned look. ‘Who’ll look after you? Who’ll support you and the… the baby?’
Emily was touched by his concern. ‘My mum and dad. They weren’t thrilled but they’ll come round.’
‘That’s good.’ Steve nodded. ‘And I’ll be there for you, too. You know that, don’t you? We all will – Me, Sophie, Melissa and Amy… if there’s anything you need?’
‘I know. Thank you. And thanks for meeting me today too.’ Emily finished her coffee and reached for her bag.