by Helen Warner
‘I’ll see you soon, OK?’ Steve reached out and touched her arm as she left him.
Emily nodded and walked out of the coffee shop, her stomach churning but feeling certain that she had done the right thing.
Fifteen years on, and it was only now that she was realizing what a truly disastrous decision that had been. Yes, it would have been hell at the time and most likely have ended her friendship with Sophie. But Steve would have been a good father to Jack. He would have wanted to be there for him and be involved in his life. She had denied him that chance because she was a coward and didn’t want her treachery to be discovered. She had thought at the time that she was protecting him, when in fact she was only really protecting herself. She felt deeply ashamed as she took her seat at the table.
Steve and Sophie looked across at her expectantly.
‘How’s Jack?’ Sophie’s forehead creased with concern.
Emily shook her head. ‘He’s not great. That’s why I’ve asked to see you, actually.’ She paused, trying to gather herself before continuing. ‘The chemo hasn’t worked…’
There was a collective gasp from them both. ‘Oh, no!’ Sophie whispered, looking aghast.
Emily looked at their sympathetic faces, intensifying her guilt a thousand-fold. ‘So he’s going to need a bone-marrow transplant.’
There was a short pause before Sophie spoke. ‘Then we’ll all be tested.’ She glanced at Steve, who nodded quickly. ‘Of course we will.’
Emily swallowed. This was so, so hard. ‘It needs to be a sibling, to give him the best chance.’ Her throat dried as she finished speaking.
There was a flicker of confusion on their faces, as they digested her words. ‘So, you mean Anton’s kids will have to be tested?’ Sophie said finally.
Emily opened her mouth to speak but she was momentarily dumbstruck.
‘Look, Emily, I know you don’t want anything to do with him, but—’
‘It’s not that simple…’ Emily interrupted, raising her hand slightly.
Sophie stopped speaking and looked at her in surprise.
Emily could feel herself reddening and she started to shake. ‘Anton isn’t Jack’s father.’ Her voice quavered as she spoke.
‘What?’ Sophie cried, her eyes widening with shock. ‘But you said he was!’
Emily shook her head slowly. ‘The thing is, I didn’t. You all assumed it and I admit I was happy for you to assume it. I’ve never told anyone who Jack’s dad is. I would still prefer not to tell anyone but…’ The tears that had been threatening, now began to roll down her cheeks. ‘. . . but with Jack so ill, I’ve got no choice. I’m sorry.’ She put her hands over her face and began to cry in earnest.
‘What on earth are you apologizing for, Em?’ Sophie leapt out of her chair and came to crouch beside Emily, putting her arms around her shoulders and holding her as she cried. ‘You have nothing to apologize for.’
‘I do,’ Emily sobbed. ‘I have so much to apologize for.’
‘I don’t understand.’ Sophie looked up at Steve, perplexed. ‘So you didn’t tell us who Jack’s father was… it’s not a big deal.’
Emily had managed to compose herself enough to stop crying, and she watched as Sophie returned to her chair, her face set in a serious expression.
Beside her, there was a sudden noise that was somewhere between a wail and a sob. Steve pushed back his chair so roughly that it tipped back and clattered onto the tiled floor, causing them all to jump. Steve looked at Emily with a pleading expression. ‘Please!’ he whimpered, covering his mouth and shaking his head in disbelief. ‘Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say.…’
Emily swallowed hard and met Steve’s anguished gaze. ‘I’m sorry, Steve. I know I should have told you all those years ago… but I thought it was for the best.’
‘Should have told him what?’ Sophie was gaping at Steve in confusion.
Emily closed her eyes, wanting the ground to swallow her up for ever. ‘Steve is Jack’s real father.’
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
There was a long, long silence. Steve was standing by the French doors, staring out into the garden. Sophie’s mind reeled. Fifteen years ago, they were in their last term at university. How had she missed that Emily and Steve were having an affair? Were the signs all there, right in front of her, and yet she had simply not noticed?
She thought back to the time when Steve had left her. When he came back, he wouldn’t say where he’d been. Had he been with her then? Was that when he had broken it off with Emily and chosen Sophie?
‘H… h… how long…?’ she stuttered, not sure she wanted to hear the answer. ‘How long were you having an affair?’ Her voice cracked slightly as she spoke and she couldn’t bring herself to look at Emily. ‘Or is it still going on?’
‘No!’ both Steve and Emily cried in unison. Steve came back to the table, his eyes blazing. ‘We didn’t have an affair! Sophie, you have to believe me. It was just a terrible, drunken mistake.’
‘He’s telling the truth, Sophie.’ Emily had visibly reeled at Steve’s harsh words but her voice was clear and resolute. ‘We were both horribly drunk and Steve crashed on my floor after a gig at the university. Neither of us knew what we were doing. But I promise you, Sophie, we were horrified by what we’d done. We agreed never to mention it again and to forget it ever happened.’
Sophie finally looked at Emily. Suddenly, a horrible thought occurred to her. ‘Amy knew, didn’t she? Has she always known?’
Emily’s cheeks flamed. ‘Only since Ireland. I told her on the morning of the wedding.’
There was a long, heavy pause, as they all sat in silence.
Finally, Sophie spoke again. ‘The cruellest thing, it seems to me, is not telling Steve that Jack was his son. How could you have done that, Emily?’ Sophie’s voice broke as she spoke.
Emily put her head in her hands. ‘I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was protecting him. And you, Sophie.’
‘You were protecting yourself!’ Steve spat venomously, causing them both to look at him in surprise. Steve never lost his temper.
‘Steve…’ Sophie reached out to put her hand on his arm, but pulled it back. She wanted to comfort him but part of her was so angry with him. ‘Why didn’t you both just’ fess up at the time?’ She looked from Steve to Emily, uncomprehending. ‘Yes, it would have been awful. But we’d have got through it.’
‘Would we?’ Steve shook his head. ‘Would we really have come back from me sleeping with your best friend, Soph? I’m not so sure we would.’ His eyes brimmed and he took a long, shuddery breath. ‘I couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t risk losing you.’
Sophie bit her lip. She understood what he was saying and she wondered if he was right. At twenty-one years old, before they had had the chance to live their lives together, before they had experienced real pain, real regret and real joy together, would she have forgiven him? Would she have forgiven Emily? No, she thought now. She probably wouldn’t. ‘How were you able to look me in the eye again, Emily? As if nothing had happened?’
Emily, who was still covering her face with her hands, looked up at her wearily. ‘It was easy,’ she sighed. ‘Because I wiped it from my memory. I just convinced myself that it had never happened. Everyone seemed to assume that Anton was the father, so I did the same. I would have gone to my grave without telling anyone the truth…’ She stopped speaking for a moment, swallowing quickly before continuing. ‘But Jack’s illness…’ Her voice dropped to a hoarse whisper. ‘It changed everything. Jack’s illness is the reason why I need to tell the truth now. So, although I know this is really painful for you both…’ She looked from Steve to Sophie. ‘The fact is that Emma and Theo are Jack’s only siblings. They’re his best chance of a cure.’
There was a rushing sound behind Sophie’s ears and she wondered if she might faint. She took several deep breaths and tried to focus, but her vision only became more blurred.
‘Sophie?’ Steve was at her
side, kneeling on the floor and gripping her arm as he looked up at her. ‘Sophie! Are you OK? Sweetheart? I’m so sorry…’ He pulled her towards him and she allowed herself to fall into his embrace, resting her face against his chest, noticing distractedly how fast his heart was beating. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, stroking Sophie’s hair. ‘I’m so sorry.’
Sophie shook her head but she couldn’t find the words to say what she wanted to say. Steve had just discovered that he had a son he didn’t know about. How could she possibly tell him now that she didn’t even know for sure if the daughter he loved so deeply was actually his? How could she begin to explain that Emma might not be a match for Jack because she might not be his biological sister? The answer, she decided, as her thoughts swirled and thrashed around her head, was that she couldn’t. No matter how hard it was. No matter how heavy the burden. She had to carry it alone.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Emily said now, breaking through her thoughts.
Sophie looked at her, her blood suddenly boiling with anger at the turmoil she had unleashed in their lives. ‘Sorry? You’re sorry? Well, that’s OK then! Emily’s “sorry” so we should all just shake hands and move on as if nothing has happened! Is that what you mean?’
Emily shook her head. ‘Look, Sophie, if I could turn back time and change what happened—’
‘No!’ Sophie cut her off by putting her shaking hand up in front of Emily’s face. ‘Don’t you dare. You knew exactly what you were doing and you didn’t give a shit about the effect it would have on me or anyone else, so don’t pretend now that you did.’
Sophie stood up and ran her hand through her hair, as tears began to threaten. Eventually, she turned back towards Emily. ‘Do you hate me that much?’ Her voice cracked as she spoke and she slumped back down onto her chair, the tears now falling freely.
Emily moved towards her and knelt down beside her. ‘Of course I don’t hate you. I love you, Sophie. I know what I did was unforgivable but I thought it was for the best. I thought I was doing the right thing. Please, Sophie, you must believe me when I say that I never meant to hurt you. ‘
Sophie shook her head. Eventually she took a deep, shuddery breath and looked up at Emily through watery eyes. ‘But that’s the problem, Emily. I don’t believe you. I’ll never believe a word you say again.’
Emily shrank back. ‘Look, Sophie, I know you hate me right at this moment but I promise you, it’s nowhere near as much as I hate myself. I am so desperately sorry, Sophie. One day, I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.’
Sophie pursed her lips, weighing up what to say while Emily looked at her with terrified eyes. When she spoke, her voice was clear and unwavering. ‘No, Emily, that’s not going to happen. I will never, ever, forgive you for what you’ve done.’
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Summer disappeared almost overnight. The evenings darkened and an autumn chill descended. The temperature in the house seemed to drop in sympathy. Sophie and Steve circled each other warily, a veneer of politeness covering every conversation. Neither of them could meet the other’s eye.
The tests were done and, just as Sophie had feared, Emma wasn’t a match. But Theo was. ‘I’ll understand,’ said Emily, on the other end of the line, ‘if you don’t want him to be a donor.’
‘I’ll talk to Steve and let you know,’ Sophie had told her coldly, before hanging up.
She went in search of Steve and found him in his writing office at the end of the garden. The light was on and she could see that he was turned away from his computer screen, facing the wall with his head in his hands. His shoulders rose and fell rhythmically. Sophie hesitated, unsure whether to intrude on his private grief. But they needed to talk. This really was a matter of life and death.
She knocked gently and opened the French door. Steve started in surprise and looked up at her, his face wet with tears of anguish. Sophie felt her own eyes fill. Instinctively, she crossed the room and knelt on the floor in front of him, wrapping her arms around his heaving body and pulling him towards her, rocking him gently.
After a while, his sobs subsided and he took a deep, shuddery breath, before sitting back and looking at her properly for the first time in weeks. ‘I’m just so bloody sad, Sophie. All those lost years and now, when I finally find out that he’s mine, there’s a real possibility that he might die. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to handle it.’ His face creased in pain and fresh tears began to pour down his cheeks.
Sophie swallowed hard and sniffed back her own tears. She picked up his hands in hers and looked at him fiercely. ‘He’s not going to die, Steve. Theo’s a match.’
Steve frowned. ‘Theo?’
‘Yes. Emily just rang. Theo’s a match for Jack.’
A wave of different emotions crossed Steve’s face. Elation followed by anger, followed by fear. ‘What does that mean?’
Sophie took a deep breath. ‘It means that we have to decide if we’re happy for Theo to donate his bone marrow.’
Steve nodded and eyed her warily. ‘What do you think?’
Sophie closed her eyes for a second, gathering her thoughts. ‘I think it’s the easiest decision I’ve ever had to make. One of your sons will save your other son’s life. It’s as simple as that.’
Steve’s face immediately crumpled again and he leaned forward to hug her. ‘Thank you,’ he whispered into her hair.
‘So, Theo’s a match then? That’s great news.’ Melissa gave Sophie an encouraging smile.
‘Yes, it’s good news.’ Sophie didn’t say that she had mixed feelings. It was too complicated to put into words how she felt. She wasn’t sure she really knew herself.
‘Not Emma, though?’ Melissa tilted her head slightly and dropped her gaze.
‘No.’ Only Melissa had ever known that there might be any doubt in Sophie’s mind over Emma’s paternity.
Melissa’s brow furrowed with concern. ‘How did Steve react to that? It must have made him question things?’
Sophie shook her head. ‘No, incredibly. I started to suggest a DNA test – in some ways it would be a huge relief to know for sure, one way or the other – but before I could get the words out, he stopped me. Said he didn’t ever want to know. That Emma is his daughter. Nothing will ever change that.’
Melissa’s eyes widened in admiration. ‘Wow. That is very big of him.’
Sophie nodded. ‘It is. Though I think maybe he sees it as some kind of penance for what happened…’
They were in a small Italian restaurant, not far from Sophie’s house. Melissa had called, asking to see her, wanting to make sure she was OK, after Emily had rung to tell her about the situation. ‘So, how are you doing?’ she asked now.
Sophie blinked slowly. ‘I’m OK.’ It was all she could offer at the moment. She veered between a raging, all-consuming fury and a calm, slightly out-of-body acceptance. Steve was the same, although he looked at her now in a different way. She could see the fear behind his eyes, as if he expected her to explode at any given moment.
He had apologized so many times that she had to tell him to stop. ‘I know you’re sorry. You don’t have to keep saying it.’ But she knew all too well why he kept saying it. She had wanted to keep saying it too, when he first found out about her affair with Matt. She was scared that if she stopped saying it, he would stop forgiving her.
But he didn’t stop forgiving her. He had managed to put her betrayal behind him and forge ahead with their life together, supporting her when she crumbled, just as much as he supported her when she triumphed. Maybe the only reason he had been able to do that was because he wanted to atone for his own mistake. She understood that only too well. She would forgive him and move on with their life together because she too wanted to atone for what she had done.
‘It must have been such a shock.’ Melissa broke into Sophie’s thoughts. ‘For you both. How is Steve coping?’
Sophie considered for a minute. ‘He has good days and bad days. On the whole, he’s coping well, but he’
s just so bloody sad. He says the thought of all the “lost years” is what’s really killing him.’
Melissa nodded. ‘I can imagine. But they’re not really lost years, are they? Steve’s been more of a father to Jack than anyone else. He just did it without knowing that Jack was biologically his. Who knows, maybe there was something deep inside, some kind of sixth sense, that made him feel like a dad to him?’
Sophie looked at Melissa admiringly. ‘You’re always so perceptive, Liss, and I don’t know why, but it always takes me by surprise. I’m going to tell Steve that. I think it could really help.’
Melissa smiled, before her face became grave again. ‘And what about telling Jack? And Emma? It’s going to be very hard for them to take in.’
‘It is,’ Sophie agreed. ‘But we’ve decided not to tell Jack yet, not until he’s had the transplant and is on the mend. We think it could be too much for him to cope with and to be honest, he’s had all these years of not knowing – a few more months won’t make much difference.’
‘And what about your two?’
‘We’ll tell them after we’ve told Jack. They’re still a bit young to properly understand. I’m hoping it won’t make a huge difference, as Emma’s always treated him like a big brother anyway. I think there’s a good chance she might be thrilled.’
Melissa smiled, then her face hardened in a way that it rarely did. ‘And what about Emily? I’m so angry with her, Soph… I can’t imagine how you feel about her.’
‘Oh God, I just don’t know.’ Sophie took a long sip of her red wine. ‘Yes, I’m still incredibly angry with her but I also feel a bit sorry for her, I suppose. I understand why she did what she did. But it’s so hard to get past it. I think maybe in time I can forgive her, but I really don’t know about Steve.’
‘You’re a lot kinder towards her than I would be in your shoes.’ Melissa pursed her lips in a straight line.
Sophie shook her head. ‘Everyone’s got things we regret doing, Liss.’ She gave Melissa a knowing look. ‘You and me included.’ She let her words register for a second before continuing. ‘But Emily has paid a hell of a price for her mistakes.’