Fantasy Gone Wrong

by Greenberg, Martin H.

  The yard gnome’s voice rang in his head. Oh come on . . . you don’t really need it now do you?

  Jed kept his jaw firmly clamped down.

  “What?” Uncle Gotti was interested.

  “Oou—” He pulled at his lower jaw hard, but some invisible force seemed to be attempting to work his mouth for him. He fought it so that his words came out as mere sounds. “Ooy can ’ave my—ahhtttnnj.”

  Argh! Stop that! Let my tongue go! He railed at his inner conscience. How could it make such a bargain? The mere thought was preposterous. You can’t give them that! Once it’s gone, it’s gone, and then I’m exiled to the Haunted Forest to be a rotting corpse for all eternity!

  Jed continued to clamp both hands over his mouth as the Gottis stared at him with wide, almost frightened eyes. And who could blame them? He was arguing with himself.

  And losing.

  “Jed? What is it you’ll trade?” Uncle Gotti leaned in closer.

  Jed’s vision blurred. He really needed to be upright so he could think straight—but that wasn’t going to happen till the Gottis let him go.

  Oh, just say it. If your plan works, then it won’t matter now will it?

  And if there is no plan? Dude—you’re talking about me giving up my—

  Jed’s momentary need to argue with the gnome’s voice was enough of a distraction for his tongue to free itself. His jaw released his tongue long enough for him to spit out “Soul!”

  No! Jed slapped his hands to the sides of his face.

  Come on . . . the Elves didn’t lie—not really. You could always let me grant you that wish.

  Bugger off!

  Uncle Gotti clapped his hands. “Ah, Jed. Well done. Well done. I couldn’t have asked for a better conclusion to our business today. Darlings . . .” He waved his hand.

  Jed felt the binding curse on his ankles release just before he fell on his head. Doh!

  “Now,” Uncle Gotti was saying, “I have by my watch that it’s Sunday evening at five o’clock and a half—”

  “Five thirty—” croaked Jed from the floor.

  “—so by next Sunday at this time, if you’ve not produced the amount of one thousand gold pieces, the price becomes your soul. We have a deal?”

  Still rubbing his knocked noggin, Jed looked up to see Uncle Gotti’s tiny outstretched hand. The fairy’s entire palm would fit inside Jed’s human-size one. I could snap it off like a twig, he thought as he took the fairy’s hand in his.

  Burrs abruptly sprang up through Uncle Gotti’s skin and stuck hard into Jed’s. The Farmboy yelled out and pulled his hand away, the inside of his palm covered in tiny dots of blood.

  Uncle Gotti gave him a tsk-tsk noise before waggling a finger at him. “Naughty thoughts, Jed. Naughty thoughts. But—” He smiled and his toothbrush mustache bristled out and up. “The deal is in blood, thanks to those thoughts. Matilda. Mattie. Let us enjoy the rest of our evening.” He held out his arms as his “nieces” flittered over to him.

  I’m not sure those women are really related to him, Jed thought as he watched them fly over his prone body and out through the glassless window.

  Nah, ya think? The gnome’s tone was more than sarcastic.

  Oh, screw you. This is all your fault. Jed grabbed up his shirt from the floor and clasped it around his prickled right hand. His head ached from tasting too much of his blood and he stumbled more than walked to the window. The moon lowered over the kingdom, just as the sun was yanked up and out of sight with a squelch.

  Pixies twinkled like glitter in the half darkness. Luckily the gnome was pixie-proof, otherwise the little buggers would all be in his house tearing holes in the wood.

  If only I’d replaced it with a fairy-proof yard gnome.

  The gnome mooned him.

  Jed leaned against the window frame. The wood creaked.

  The yard gnome pivoted in the dirt just outside the window. Where are you gonna find a kidnapped princess? I still think you should let me grant you that wish. I only get to do the one, and if you never make yours, I can’t make mine!

  “No.” Jed shook his head and then grabbed the window frame with both hands when his vision blurred again. “I might be poor but I’m not stupid (okay—not most of the time). Uncle’s right—I don’t really trust Elven magic, nor a statue that disappears in the middle of the night.”

  I do not.

  “Do too.”

  Do not.

  “Do Too.”

  Do not.

  But Jed had had enough. “Just zip it. I don’t trust you.”

  And I should trust you? You tried to steal a baby.

  “That was—well—I was desperate.” Jed frowned. “I’m still desperate.”

  Make a wish.

  Jed eyed the gnome’s shadow. “I’m not that desperate. I just know if something as freaky as you grants me a wish, it can’t be good. Don’t be so bothersome.” He scowled. “Tomorrow’s Monday. There’s bound to be some stupid git kidnapped in the paper first headline.”

  But on Monday morning there was no stupid git listed as being kidnapped. Nor was there one on Tuesday. By Wednesday evening there wasn’t even so much as a house invasion.

  It was as if the entire kingdom had suddenly put itself on its best behavior.

  Wednesday night Jed sat at his single table with a single candle burning to light the single-room shack. He clutched at the nub of his left index finger and stared out at the Pixies as they bashed into the magical shield protecting the house.

  Less than four days before the Gottis came back and took his soul.

  You desperate enough now? The yard gnome’s silhouette became pronounced in the light of the round full moon. The thing hadn’t been there a moment ago, gone again and off to do whatever it was yard gnomes do in the moonlight.

  “No.” Jed folded his arms over his chest. “I’ll give it another day. Should be a kidnapping in the morning.”

  But there wasn’t. And none by that afternoon. No evil sorcerer or magician, not even a wicked witch. Where the hell had all the villains gone?

  Seemed the gnome knew. Found out what’s up with the lack of serious villainy. It’s Villain’s Week.

  “Villain’s Week?”

  Yeah, something the High King instituted about a year ago—gives the villains a week off every year, and gives heroes and the like time to spend with their families. Everyone’s at the beach. The gnome pivoted again from his position outside the shack. Vacation. Kidnappings probably won’t resume till next week. Monday morning for sure—they’ll be loads of them.

  Vacation? Jed shook his head. “Monday will be too late. I won’t have a soul by then.”

  ’Fraid so, Jed old boy. Now are you desperate? Care to make that wish?

  “No.” Jed paced the shack. “I can’t. You’ll mess it up somehow.”

  No I won’t. Just try it. Why would I mess this up when my own happiness depends on you?

  He narrowed his eyes at the gnome. “How exactly does that work? You keep saying you’ll get your wish if I get mine. What kind of wish-giving enchanted thing are you?”

  Let’s just say I’m one of a kind. The gnome shrugged its ceramic shoulders. The brown cap on his head shifted to the right. Make a wish, and I’ll give you your heart’s desire.

  Uh-oh. Jed took a step back. “My heart’s desire, huh? I’m not sure you’re being vague enough here.”

  The gnome did a mental shrug. That’s all I can say.

  With a scowl, Jed nodded. “Then I have to phrase this just right.” He cleared his throat. “I wish—uh—I wish to be—no—I wish uh to have—no, no, no.”

  I wish you’d get your act together. For crying out loud, wish something.

  “I wish I was powerful.”

  There seemed to be a pause in the morning. The birds ceased to chirp. Even the rise of the sun seemed suspended.

  Then Is that it?

  Jed pursed his lips together. He nodded. Then he shrugged. “Yeah . . . that’s it.”

>   It’s awfully broad.

  “Well, I figure if I were powerful, then I could stop the Gottis from taking my soul, see? And I’d no longer be slave to the whims of magical meanness. It stinks being a human in a magical realm. Everyone else has magic. Elves, trolls, wizards, fairies. It’s better to be a magical creature.”

  The gnome looked pensive. Not sure I can agree with you there. But to each his own. Simply put, you don’t want to be a victim anymore.

  With a tap on his chin with the stub of his left finger, Jed nodded. “Yeah, that’s it.”

  Hoo-kay. Your wish is granted.

  Instantly there was scream. And then a roar.

  “Is that it?” Jed looked around the shack, expecting something to come crashing down at him.

  Uh—yeah. You better go get it.

  Jed did just that. He ran out of the door, grabbing up the sword he fashioned from tin on Monday evening, and raced down the path. The scream came again, and Jed turned in the direction of the Enchanted Mountains.

  An hour later, and nearly out of breath, Jed reached the top of a ledge. A cave mouth yawned open before him. It was dark inside, like the blackness of a tomb that spoke of danger and bravery. Inside lay his destiny—to save a princess and become a Prince.

  It felt dangerous. It reeked of doom.

  And it smelled like—

  Potpourri?

  The scream came again from inside the cave mouth. Jed felt bravado fill his chest and he thrust it out as he bellowed. “I’m coming to save you!”

  Once inside, the world took on a whole different look.

  Chintz draperies of red and gold hung from the cave’s walls, woven in and out with pink roses and gold rope with tasseled ends. The floor turned from rock and sand to shiny hardwoods, polished to a slippery finish—which of course with Jed’s momentum arrival speed sent Jed sliding forward on his backside to the back of the cave.

  Lighted candles glittered from gilded mirrors on every wall and off gold encrusted furniture. The place was a veritable gold mine!

  But what caught his attention next was the sight of a fifty-foot dragon towering over him in the back of the cave. Its maw was open, showing very large, very white, and very sharp teeth. It batted about a large, white hanky in its taloned left hand as it—screamed?

  No way. Jed scrambled to a standing position and then held out his sword in front of him. So—the dragon was the one screaming?

  From what? The hulking monster abruptly did a little dance, banging its enormous taloned feet on the hardwood. Jed was afraid the thing was going to crack the finish if it wasn’t careful.

  “You there!” the dragon hissed at him. “Kill it!”

  “Me?” Jed looked around. Dragons talked? Sure they shot fire, flew in the sky, and sometimes kidnapped maidens. But spoke. “Kill what?”

  “That!” it shrieked and pointed to something to the right of Jed.

  He turned and nearly toppled over with surprised laughter.

  A tiny white mouse with dark shades over its eyes stood on its hind feet. It was making faces at the dragon.

  This was nuts.

  Jed lowered his sword. “You’re afraid of this mouse?” He had to shout a bit to be heard over the dragon’s sobs.

  The dragon nodded. “Yes! Please! Get rid of it! I’ll give you your fondest wish!”

  Ah-ha! There it was. Though in the odd packaging of a dragon? Well, who was he to argue with destiny? Jed turned to the mouse.

  The mouse whipped around, saw Jed advancing with his sword brandished, squealed once, and then ran off out of the cave mouth. Jed chased after it and saw it launch itself off the ledge.

  Oh no. He moved to the side to see if the thing had gone splat on the rocks below. His stomach wasn’t as squeamish when he saw it scrambling down the rocks to the valley beyond.

  Jed turned and found himself face-to-face with the dragon’s head.

  “Yow!” He took a step back and found himself tittering on the edge of the ledge. The dragon reached out and scooped him up, turned, and walked them back into the cave mouth.

  “Oh, I’m so happy, and so thankful,” said the dragon. “My name is Rose. And you are?”

  “J-Jed, ma’am.” He narrowed his eyes at the dragon. This was a girl? Then he looked at all the gold and pink. Well, maybe so. “I’m happy to be of help.”

  “Not many knights would venture into the Enchanted Mountains to help an aging dragon, mind you.” She set him down beside a small golden couch. The furniture was the size for a human, much too small for a dragon. “Please, have some tea.”

  “Uh, no thanks.” He could smell the tea from the gold-encrusted tea service that appeared magically on the coffee table. His stomach rumbled. When was the last time he’d eaten? “I really need to go—so as for my reward—”

  “Oh yes, yes, of course. Your heart’s desire, well you’ll need to—”

  “Ma’am. Miss Rose,” Jed waved up at her, still not sure he wasn’t going to become a crunchy snack. “Please, I’d be happy with some gold. You have so much of it—maybe two thousand pieces?” He smiled, and thought himself quite clever, doubling the price of his soul’s ransom.

  But Rose shook her head. “I can give you all the gold you wish, brave knight.” She sighed. “But this is dragon’s gold, and once it leaves the edges of the Enchanted Mountains, it turns to dust and forgotten dreams.”

  Jed lowered his shoulders.

  Bollocks.

  “But perhaps there is something else.” Rose spoke up and Jed looked at her. “If you give me a kiss—”

  “What?” Jed took a step back and nearly tripped over the couch. “Kiss you?”

  “Why yes.” Rose looked almost hurt and she leaned in close. Her eyes were the colors of a sunset. The ends of her mouth turned up in a smile. “Then I could give you your heart’s desire.”

  “Uh”—he narrowed his eyes at her—“You’re not like . . . a woman turned into a dragon are you? Like if I kiss you, you turn into a rich princess?”

  Rose shook her head.

  “A rich Prince?” Though the image of a nelly prince didn’t exactly excite Jed in the right way, he did consider the complications for a second. A very brief second.

  Rose shook her head again. “Neither. I was born a dragon, and I will die as one. The last of my kind. But I must repay you somehow for your kindness.”

  Well, he couldn’t take the gold, and if he kissed the dragon (ewwwghhhh) she wouldn’t turn into a rich princess either. So—what could he ask for a reward?

  What can a dragon do?

  Fly. Blow smoke and fire.

  Terrorize villagers.

  And—“Kidnap a princess!”

  “Excuse me?” Rose moved back from him.

  Jed looked up at her, excitement making his heart pound. “That’s it! I need gold to pay off my debt to the Gottis. You can kidnap a princess and she’ll reward me with marriage. I’ll be rich!”

  Rose looked troubled. She put her huge sheet-size handkerchief to her chin. “You want me to kidnap a princess. Well, I know it’s been done though the last one to attempt such a fiendish thing ended up stuffed and mounted in Prince Charming’s living room.” She looked skeptical.

  “But I’m not Prince Charming—and I’ll only pretend to slay you to rescue the princess.”

  “Uhm—” She shook her head. “Oh, I don’t know. It’s such a dirty business.”

  “Look.” Jed slid his tin sword into his string belt. “All you have to do is kidnap a princess. Tie her up and then I’ll come rescue her. We’re square and I can pay off my debt.”

  Rose seemed to think this through. “Wouldn’t it be better if you just kissed me?”

  Ew. No. Jed shook his head. “Please? For my reward?”

  With a resigned sigh, Rose agreed. “Sure. When and who?”

  Hmm. Good question. There were several princesses in the area, so he’d have to be selective as to whom. In this instance he had a choice, unlike the other schmucks who had to go wi
th what was given.

  And if he had to choose a wife, he’d choose the High King’s daughter, Princess Vixennia. Beautiful. And rich.

  When he told Rose his choice, she looked pinched. “Are you sure? I think her heart’s desire lies with another.”

  “I don’t care. Look, you just snatch her up, do your thing, and I’ll pretend to wound you. Okay?”

  Rose nodded in agreement, and they set the time and place. Midnight tonight. In a cave near the foot of the Haunted Forest.

  It all seemed so right.

  When Jed arrived home, there was no sign of the yard gnome.

  The kidnap went according to Jed’s plan. Apparently Princess Vixennia took midnight strolls for clandestine rendezvous with a forbidden love in a brown hat. Rose snatched her up and then carried her back to the cave. There she bound the princess and tossed her in the back of the cave, then sent up the signal (a brief flame flare) to let Jed know she’d done her part of the bargain.

  Jed wanted to wait till morning, to let the news of the princess’s capture reach the Goblin Globe. Had to make sure it was on the front page for posterity.

  But when he reached the cave, no one was there.

  Wait . . . what?

  Jed ran all the way to the back of the cave. He found cut rope and a knotted cloth. Okay, bindings here. But where was the princess?

  And where was Rose?

  He heard trumpets from the city. Jed’s heart sank. No . . . it can’t be. He turned and ran as fast as he could back to the gates. The banners of the king’s standard were flying in the breeze. People were lined up along the cypress-planted path.

  And there, in the center, was a very unhappy-looking Princess and beside her, atop a white stallion, was a man in shining armor.

  Prince Charming.

  No! No, no, no! Jed started stamping the ground. But where was Rose? What had he done with Rose? Jed ran up to the nearest peasant. “Ma’am, what happened here?”

  “Oh, it was so loverly, sir.” The woman had no front teeth, and a huge mole on the end of her nose. “A big scarlet dragon came and took away the Princess—but Prince Charming here—he rescued her ya see, and now they’re to be wed—”