Beautiful Savage

by Victoria Ashley

Saying goodbye to Alexandra is just as hard for me as it is for her, but I have to stay strong for her. Always . . .

  THREE DAYS HAVE PASSED SINCE Alexandra ran off on me and despite me spending countless hours searching for her, I’ve yet to find her.

  There’s a weight on my chest getting heavier with each passing second that I’m left wondering where she is, and I’m not sure how much more of the pressure I can take before I lose my shit and explode.

  The fact that she doesn’t want to be found hurts like hell. It’s fucking killing me and I’d do anything to change that. I’d do anything to have her want to be near me like when we were kids.

  It’s been a long time since she moved away and I know a lot has changed, that she has changed, but so have I. That doesn’t mean I still wouldn’t do anything and everything to keep her safe. That hasn’t changed.

  I need her to see this.

  “You good, brother?” I look away from the fireplace and up at Royal as he takes the spot beside me and looks into the flames.

  I came here for dinner and still don’t feel like leaving, because I know it’s only going to lead to more disappointment.

  “Not at all, brother,” I admit. “I’m far from it.” I squeeze the glass in my hand, before looking down to realize I’ve finished off my sixth glass of whiskey in just under an hour. I used to think I was good when it came to dealing with hurt and disappointment, until it came to Alexandra. I learned then that I’m horrible at dealing with it; a complete wreck. “She’s out there somewhere and I have no clue how to get to her. I’m about to lose my shit on every breathing thing. I’m only holding on by a thread.”

  Royal releases a long breath and grips my shoulder for support. He knows all about Alexandra and how deep my feelings for her go. I met Royal less than a year after she disappeared, so he was lucky enough to listen to me constantly bitch about her absence for the first two years of our friendship. “You’ll find her. You’re like me; we don’t give up when it comes to something that means everything to us, and it’s clear she’s that one for you.” He squeezes my shoulder harder. “We’re destructive when we’re hurting and it may be painful as shit, but that only pushes us harder. Me, you, and Blaine are all the fucking same.”

  “I don’t disagree there. Not one damn bit.”

  My attention is pulled toward the door at the sound of tiny footsteps slowly approaching. On the inside I may be dying, but the moment my gaze lands on Kylie’s sleepy face, I put all of my pain and anger aside and smile down at her. “What are you doing up, beautiful?”

  She shrugs tiredly and begins walking to Royal with her arms up.

  His face lights up as he bends down to scoop her into his arms and hold her close. The wholeness and happiness he feels when around his family makes my chest ache with longing for the same thing. I only ever felt that when Alexandra was around and the day she got ripped away, all hope of feeling that way again died.

  But she’s back now.

  I just don’t know where and it hurts so fucking bad.

  “You can’t sleep, angel?” Royal asks in a whisper, before kissing the top of Kylie’s head tenderly. “Daddy will lay down with you until you fall asleep. Say goodnight to Uncle Jax.”

  Kylie holds her arms out and grabs my face when Royal brings her in close to me. “Goodnight, Uncle Jax. I love you.”

  I smile and kiss her nose. “Love you, beautiful girl.”

  Royal pulls her tight against his chest and begins rubbing her head to relax her. “I’ve gotta take care of my family.” He gives me a stern look, his gaze lowering to the empty glass in my hand. “And that includes you too. Sleep on the couch.”

  I nod as he walks away, because I know there’s no arguing with Royal. Twelve years of friendship has shown me that.

  Pouring myself another glass, I take a seat on the couch and stare off into darkness. I don’t know how many more drinks I pour, but I keep them coming for a while, until I finally manage to black out.

  Bowing my head, I squeeze the thick white plastic in my hand and swallow thickly. I’ve been staring at this thing off and on for nearly ninety-six hours and the look on Alexandra’s face still haunts me to my fucking core each time.

  She looks broken; ripped apart by the fucking world and I can’t help but to think I could’ve somehow prevented that look if I had been around to take care of her like I promised.

  I hate that.

  “Can I get another beer?”

  Without looking up to see who’s been trying to get my attention, I slam down the bottle of whiskey I’ve been drinking from and step out from behind the bar.

  I walk around in a daze, feeling completely out of it as I hold out Alexandra’s ID and begin questioning everyone in the bar, hoping someone has seen her.

  I’ll do this every damn night if I have to, because apparently driving around and looking for her car isn’t doing the trick.

  With every “no” I feel the anxiety inside me build, getting closer and closer to becoming explosive.

  “Are you sure?” I ask gruffly as I move on to the next person. “Take another look. She was just in here four days ago.”

  “I said no, Jax. Calm the hell down and let me enjoy my beer. Shit.” Max has told me this three times now, but it still doesn’t seem to be good enough.

  After pushing a bit more I move on, making my way around the room, but apparently all of these assholes are just as clueless as I am when it comes to her.

  Frustration takes over as I make my way back to the bar; about to grip the bottle of whiskey I so desperately need right now.

  “You said she was in here four days ago?”

  Pulling my hands out of my hair, I turn behind me and look toward the guy currently bending over the pool table. “Yeah, that’s right.”

  A tiny smirk pulls up at the corner of his lips right as he takes his shot. “Red hair . . . sexy as sin with tattoos and a sassy mouth?”

  My heart slams against my chest at the description of her and I find myself stalking over to the pool table, ready to choke any answers out of this asshole if necessary.

  Once I’m standing in front of him, I grab him by the shirt and pull him in close, desperate as hell to find out what he knows. “Where the fuck did you see her?”

  “ . . . another beer up here, asshole. I’m tired of asking nicely,” the guy at the bar says, continuing to try for my attention.

  I ignore the prick waiting for a drink and grip the guy’s shirt tighter, pushing for an answer. “Tell me!”

  I have no patience left.

  I’m two seconds away from going murderous on this roomful of people. It’s taking a lot of restraint to keep my cool right now.

  “Chill . . . okay. I’ll tell you. Just take it easy, Man.”

  “Can I get that damn beer? I’m thirsty over here.”

  Growling out, I release the shirt of the guy in front of me and walk over to the bar to get the thirsty motherfucker a drink.

  I pull a beer from the cooler and set it down in front of him, before elbowing him in the jaw and slamming his face down onto the bar. “Interrupt me again and I’ll shoot you in the fucking dick.”

  He groans out in pain and grips the bar.

  “Are we clear?” I growl beside his ear.

  “Okay . . . got it. Got it. We’re cool.”

  “Good.” I release the back of his head and look over to see the guy at the pool table watching me with wide eyes. “You got a fucking answer for me or am I going to need to shoot it out of you?”

  “Midnight Joe’s,” he says on a swallow. “She bartends there. Saw her there tonight before I came here.”

  The whole room is spinning as I exit the bar to find Blaine. I can barely see straight because all I want to do is get to Alexandra.

  Blaine is finishing a tattoo on one of his regulars when I poke my head in the room. “Watch the bar. I’ll be back.”

  His head shoots up as I’m about to back out and shut the door. “Dude, I’m in the middle of
a–”

  “I don’t fucking care!” I yell. “Watch it.”

  “Everything good?” He drops the tattoo gun and jumps to his feet, as if ready to leave with me if I need him.

  “Yeah. I just have something important to do.” I put my hand out, stopping him as he takes a step toward me. “Stay here, Man. One of us needs to watch the bar. Don’t. Leave.”

  “Shit,” he growls under his breath. “You better call me if you need my ass. I’ll get Mark here if I need to.”

  I nod and step out of the room, anxious to get to Midnight Joe’s as quickly as possible.

  Once outside, I straddle my bike and take off, nearly crashing into a passing truck. “Son of a bitch!” I stop and place my feet down, taking a few seconds to compose myself before I take off again, being sure not to almost kill myself this time.

  I get to the bar in record time, due to weaving through traffic and rolling through as many stops as I can. Excitement and anxiety course through me at the possibility of seeing Alexandra again, but the moment I realize her little red car isn’t in the parking lot, an ache hits me in the chest.

  Just ten minutes ago I thought I had the answer I needed to see her tonight. I’m not sure I can handle not seeing her now.

  I stand here with my hands in my messy hair and cuss under my breath, before I reach for a smoke, my hands shaking from my nerves.

  I didn’t prepare for her not to be here, and leaving here empty-handed is the last thing I want to do. I’ve waited too long to get to her for it not to be tonight.

  Taking a few quick hits off my smoke, I watch the door as if I expect her to come out any second, which is ridiculous. I need a new plan.

  I don’t care if it takes me roughing someone up to get her address, I’m getting to her any way I can and I’ll destroy anyone who stands in my way.

  My attention goes back to the door when I hear two drunken idiots talking loudly as they step outside. One of them I recognize from Savage & Ink. He used to show up nearly every night but I haven’t seen him there in months.

  “Can you believe that shit?” The familiar one yells out in anger, holding his hand over his nose. “That redheaded bitch hit me.”

  My ears perk up at the mention of red hair and it has me flicking my cigarette across the parking lot, ready to listen to what these pricks have to say.

  “I warned you to keep your hands to yourself, dumbass, but you had to go and grope her anyway. I told you she’s a crazy bitch.”

  This asshole chose the wrong person to discuss this shit around. I take wide strides toward the door, pausing just long enough to slam this prick’s head into the building and give him a word of advice. “You should listen to your friend next time.”

  “Shit! You’re going to pay for that.” He pushes away from the building as if he’s about to come at me, but stops once he sees who I am. “My bad, Jax. I won’t touch her again. It was stupid and–”

  I give him a hard look, stopping his stupid mouth from saying anything else that might piss me off. I don’t have time to waste on him.

  With a small growl, I yank the door open and step inside. I tense as I look around, taking in all the rowdy assholes filling the place. The idea of her waiting on these pricks has my blood boiling and the urge to take her away from this dump strong.

  Desperate to get to her, I push my way through the crowd, not caring who I have to remove from my path.

  “Hey, watch it, prick.” The big guy I just pushed past growls out. “Yeah, that’s right. Walk away like a little bitch before you get hurt.”

  His words have me stopping mid-step and turning around to face him. What this sorry motherfucker doesn’t know is he’s slowing me down from getting to Alexandra and I have no shits to give right now. I’ll rip his world apart without batting a fucking eye.

  Trying to be tough for his little friends, he tosses his beer down, rolls up his sleeves and comes at me. “You’re going learn not to dis–”

  Before he can finish what he’s saying, my elbow connects hard with his jaw, knocking him back and into a table. He doesn’t have time to even see me coming before I’m over him, gripping his throat tightly. “I’m not going to learn shit. Learn that, motherfucker.”

  He begins coughing and fighting for air as I squeeze tighter and lean in close to his face. “Get in the way of me getting what I want again and I’ll come find you and end your life before you ever know I’m there.”

  He stares up at me with wide eyes, clearly not expecting someone around here to be crazier than he is. He may be used to being the big guy here, but that’s about to change.

  After releasing his throat, I stand up and look down at him as he grabs his throat and fights to catch his breath.

  I flex my jaw and watch him for a few seconds, before fixing my jacket and walking away so I don’t make the mistake of killing him.

  I’m on fire, rage coursing through my veins, and when it comes to Alexandra I’ve never been able to control the beast inside.

  I push my way past a few more drunken assholes, before my gaze finally sets on Alexandra behind the bar, talking to some guy.

  Holy fuck . . .

  I can’t breathe as I stand here looking at her. She’s so painfully beautiful, and seeing some other guy talking to her has me wanting to kick everyone out of the bar so we can be alone.

  I want the world to know I’ll protect her until my last breath, and at a place like this, she’s going to need me to, even though she won’t ever admit it.

  I’ll take on this whole fucking room for her, before carrying her away kicking and screaming if I have to.

  She’s gotten feisty as hell over the years, but that won’t stop me from throwing her over my shoulder if that’s what it takes.

  Even if that means I have to deal with her kicking my ass all the way to my bike, because there’s no way in hell I’m leaving her in this dump.

  Especially since some asshole at the bar seems to think he’s allowed to put his hands on her.

  He’s about to find out otherwise . . .

  THE ONLY THING I WANT to do is forget about the last few days and make it through this shift without having to take my heel off and shove it through some asshole’s throat for being handsy with me.

  These dicks don’t seem to be getting the memo tonight, because I’ve been fighting them off since walking through that door a few hours ago.

  The last one hitting on me actually had enough balls to grab my ass when I went to reach for a pen for him to sign his credit card bill.

  If it wouldn’t be hard for someone like me to find a better job—a decent one that doesn’t involve drunken assholes—I would walk out that door right now and never look back. I despise this place.

  I can’t do that, though. I need to save enough money to get a place of my own, where I can be alone when I want. A girl needs to have her own space to escape when necessary.

  I’ve never had the luxury of a hideaway from the outside world that I can exist in without someone being in the next room over.

  That’s why I’m here. This is the only place I’ve imagined that possibility, because the only time I ever felt peace, even for just a few hours a night, was here, with Jax—the place he grew up.

  I was certain my assumptions were right and Jax had taken off. With nothing to keep him here, I figured he had moved on to another town after all these years. Finding out the guy who had been making me feel something since the moment I walked into Savage & Ink was him, sent me into complete breakdown mode.

  The rawness of my throat from Tessa having to shove her fingers down it is a harsh reminder of how far gone I was to numb the pain.

  The sad part about that is it’s not the first time I’ve needed saving from myself, and it won’t be the last.

  Lying in bed the next morning, it took me hours staring up at the ceiling to get my head on straight and remember the details from the night before.

  Savage & Ink.

  A motorcycle ride.

 
Rough sex with the bartender.

  The bartender that was in fact Jax . . .

  My Jax.

  As soon as the last thought popped into my head, I leaned over the side of the bed and tossed up whatever was left inside my stomach.

  It smelt and tasted like whiskey from the night before, which only had me wanting to vomit even more, but there was nothing left to throw up. It left me dry heaving, which hurt like hell.

  But that pain was nothing compared to the ache I felt in my heart when I took off to get away from Jax.

  That night was never supposed to happen. I was nowhere near prepared to see Jax again. Not when I already made myself believe I’d never see him again.

  When I went home with the bartender and asked him to be rough with me, it was supposed to help take my mind off Jax and remind me the man I was about to sleep with was nothing like him. That he wasn’t sweet and caring like my Jax always was when it came to me.

  Instead, all it did was show me that Jax is now a rough, dangerous man who fucks like a beast in the bedroom.

  As good as it felt physically—trust me, it was the best sex of my entire life—it was never supposed to be that way with him.

  When I was younger, I always imagined a life with a happy ending, where Jax and I would grow up and get married and he’d be kind and gentle with me just like he always promised.

  But that didn’t happen.

  My father tore me away from him.

  Now, the only thing I’ve been able to think about is Jax, and the more I think about him . . . the more I want to go to him and break down in his strong arms.

  I can’t do that.

  Jax had it hard his whole life taking care of his depressed, junkie mother; trying to save her when no one else gave a shit, and it killed him every second of every day.

  I can’t and won’t be the one to hurt him like she did. My depression runs just as deep as hers, and sometimes I can’t get out of bed for days. Why put that on him? Why make him go through something that difficult again when he doesn’t have to?

  He deserves so much better than what I’ve become and I’m terrified of the way he’ll react if he ever finds out who I am. That I was the girl he slammed against the door and fucked hard until my legs gave out.