by Lilah May
“I’m sorry about that Ariana.” I hate apologizing to her, but Ava had gone too far.
“It’s OK. Don’t worry about it. She’s a teenager now. I remember when I was a teenager.” What the hell is she saying? She still is a teenager. “Ms. Howard, maybe you should give her some freedom. Don’t yell at her so much and let her do things like curse. Be cool, you know?” Is this bitch fucking serious right now? Is she giving me advice on how to be a mom? “Maybe then, Mr. Howard might have —” Oh, fuck no.
“Shut the fuck up. Right now. Before I slap you.” I don’t know where this antagonism is coming from. Maybe my uncertainty with Bobby’s spilling over, but I’m not about to be nice to her for Donald’s sake.
Why the hell was I being nice to her? Oh yea, I forgot. I had wanted to preserve the peace. Whatever.
I don’t care anymore about this god damn trip.
I had to find out if Bobby truly loves me or if he’s just another manipulating bastard. I don’t need Bobby to turn into a new woman. With or without him, I’m going to stop being the doormat.
I’m not going to continue living in doubt and fear, dreading the truth and hiding from reality. Why do I have to be the one to sit with all these questions? Why do I always have to bear the burden and repress all my misgivings?
I’ll confront him and demand the truth. No more will I be taken advantage of.
CHAPTER 36
BOBBY
“If you pull some shit like this again, we’re not going to your god damn engagement party, forget the wedding. And with the number of friends you have, you might as well start planning a trip to Vegas for your little college girl over there.” Rob pokes a meaty finger into Donald’s scrawny chest. He’s laying into Donald pretty hard.
At first, I thought I would have to say something myself, but now I’m thinking I have to intervene to stop him. Rob gets pretty protective of his friends and right now, Donald is definitely not his friend.
I had bigger things to attend to than Donald anyways.
I’m staring at my phone, waiting, because I don’t want to call Alex just as he’s getting the other call. I need him at the top of his game for this deal. I never expected this deal of all the deals to be the one that would secure Lisa’s future.
I make sure the little GPS dongle is attached and the bars are showing up. The satellite accessory allows me to make calls basically from any place on earth.
A little excessive, but I need this sucker to work if I’m going to be able to call Alex.
This is the most important part, the final piece of the puzzle in making Lisa mine. There’s only ten minutes left till the six hours are up and I’m watching my phone like a hawk.
Suddenly, it lights up and Alex’s name pops up on the screen. I sprint away from the campgrounds holding my phone like a football.
When I finally answer all I hear is screaming. Just Alex screaming into the phone without even taking a breath.
That’s the sound I want to hear. I have to wait for what seems like an hour before he finally runs out of energy.
“So how much?”
“You’re not going to believe it. 500 mil plus 10 percent of the company.”
“Looks like James King isn’t all that heartless.”
“Did you fucking hear me? 500 mil!”
“Time for you to celebrate. Congratulations you’re basically a billionaire.”
“Not yet. Almost.”
“That 10 percent will cover the rest. When the company goes public, according to Liv, it’ll grow to be a 5 billion dollar company easy. That makes you a billionaire.”
“Jesus Christ. What did I do to deserve this?”
“You worked your ass off.” And he did. He did everything I didn’t want to do.
“Come back quick. I need to buy you a drink. Hell, why not a whole bar?”
“Fly me out a helicopter. Cause we’re filthy fucking rich.” We laugh. All our work came to this moment. It’s only apt that it was all cause of Lisa.
“Now go get her!” My heart is pounding but not because of the money. OK, maybe a little because of that. But mostly because it is finally time. Time I can declare for Lisa publicly.
And the first step is to talk to my mom.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Hey, son.”
“What do you think of Ms. Howard?”
My mother’s face falls before she even answers. “Oh, no.”
“What? What’s wrong?”
“Don’t tell me. You’re actually in love with Lisa?”
“Wait, how’d you know?”
“God fucking damn it. I thought were just playing with her. I didn’t know you really loved her.” Oh fuck. Just when one thing goes right, everything else goes wrong.
I know who’s behind me before I even turn.
CHAPTER 37
LISA
I don’t care that everyone’s listening. I don’t care that it feels like a Jerry Springer show. I stopped giving a shit about other people. Donald’s been right all along. Just look out for yourself. Don’t care about hurting others, otherwise you’ll wind up the one getting hurt.
“Did you or did you not send those pictures? You might hide things, but you’re sure as hell not going to lie to my face, are you?”
“I sent the pictures. I was going to tell you—”
“HA! I knew it!” Donald can’t contain his glee. He doesn’t care about what’s happening, he just cares that he’s right.
“Donald, shut the fuck up,” Rob warns him. But Donald’s still grinning like an idiot.
“Why? Why would you do that?” I can’t wrap my head around why this man I thought is the boldest businessman, the fearless fighter would do such a round-about, cowardly thing.
“I told you. I love you.” This time it’s Ava who’s yelling.
“You love my mom! Ew! Jesus, this fucking camping trip sucks dick!” I don’t have the heart to tell her to watch her language. Who am I to act like her mother when I’m as gullible as a new born baby?
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to do it. But it was the only way. You wouldn’t have listened to me. You wouldn’t have listened to anyone,” he almost looks like he’s pleading. But he’s too aloof to do admit to that, still maintaining his dignity, even when the evidence showed he had none.
“What’s wrong? It turned out to be a good thing! We all ended up with who we should’ve ended up with.” Ariana cuts in, the last person I want to hear right now.
“Shut your goddamn mouth, Ariana. Stay the fuck out of my conversations.” And I tell her as much. I’m not pulling any punches.
“Sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. Me and my stupid mouth. Bobby always told me I should shut my mouth. Bobby told me before that Donald would like it better if I didn’t talk.”
“He told you what?” I say at the same time as Donald.
“Bobby’s the one who told me Donald would want me when my boyfriend broke up with me. I always had a crush on Donald and Bobby taught me exactly how I should get him.” Her lips seem to move in slow motion, glistening from her over-applied cherry gloss.
I can’t even enjoy Donald’s goofy open-mouthed surprise because before I know it, I’m falling to the ground.
“Lisa! Are you OK?” Strong arms wrap around my waist, breaking my fall. Bobby’s face is so close to mine, worried, his sweet eyes staring at me.
For an instant, I think it’s romantic, like a movie, me in his arms, staring back up at him. But then I remember what Ariana just said. His eyes aren’t sweet. Those are lying eyes, a traitorous smile. He’s the one who broke my family. He’s the one who made my husband cheat, made my daughter lose her father.
“Get off me!” I push him away, stumbling to my feet.
“Talk to me.” His eyes plead with me but they have no effect. I’m not going to let him trick me a second time.
“What do you want to talk about? The fact that you’ve been lying to me this whole time? The fact that you sent those p
ictures? What kind of man sends pictures in an envelope? Or you want to talk about how you set my husband up to cheat? You fucking piece of shit. You’re worse than Donald. You’re worse than a cowardly piece of shit.” I don’t even realize I’m hitting him over and over again, slapping him, scratching him. And he’s letting me.
Fuck. Why doesn’t he stop me? What happened to that powerful man who did whatever he pleased? Why did he have to do all this just to take me away from Donald? Why couldn’t he have just walked up and whisked me away like a real man?
Suddenly, hitting him isn’t so satisfying anymore. Just like Donald.
“I need to be alone.” I start to walk away from the clearing, into the woods.
“Where are you going, Lisa?” He calls after me.
“I’m going for a walk.” Bobby is still following me. “Leave me alone!” I scream viciously. I don’t look back and head off into the woods.
I have no idea where I’m going and I don’t care. I can’t breathe, my chest feels like its bound and the rope keeps tightening like a noose. I need air. I need space.
Panting and gasping, I stumble through the foliage, scrambling to get away. I just need to get away. Away from Donald and Ariana. Away from the Carters. And away from Bobby. Especially Bobby. How could I have been so stupid?
How could I fall for the same old trick?
That familiar weight returns, that weight I carried for 15 years married to Donald. That oppressive, suffocating weight — except this time, it’s so much heavier.
I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I open my mouth, trying to expand my chest, but all that happens is my heart starts to slam against my ribs.
I’m hyperventilating.
I’m having a panic attack.
Calm down. Calm down.
But I can’t. All I can think about is Bobby. All my memories are tainted, twisted, every time I think of him, his eyes are cold and slitted like a snake’s, his grin is evil and corrupt. Did he always look so much like the devil?
I finally trip and fall to the ground, my cheeks wet with tears, snot dripping down my nose, my mouth dry as a desert. Everything looks blurry, as my breath comes in tiny gasps. Am I going to die? No one dies from a panic attack, I have to remind myself. I dig my fingers into the dirt, the ground cooling me from underneath. Slowly my vision clears and the fresh forest air returns to my lungs, filling them, calming me.
How did I ever trust him? He just wanted me for sex. He didn’t really love me. I was just another one of his conquests, another name he could cross of his list. He manipulated me.
I feel played, like I was dancing around in his palm and he directed me this way and that. How could he just mess with my life like this? He introduced Ariana to Donald? Was that his plan all along? All so he could fuck me? I fell for it again. Just like I did 15 years ago.
What the hell was that about learning from my mistakes? I had experienced fake love with Donald — shouldn’t I know the real thing? I had no clue. Am I always going to be this naive? I knew I shouldn’t fall in love again. I knew I shouldn’t even try love. All I wanted was a good fuck. But the first person I picked out was Bobby. It just had to be him. And I fucked up all over again. I learned nothing. I forgot. Bobby was the one who told me that. He was lying to me from the beginning, getting in my head. Maybe I was too nice. Maybe he was right about that.
I need to be mean, I need to take just like the rest of them instead of giving. I need to stop being a sucker.
I need to become hard, cold. Loveless. That’s what I need to be.
Donald did the same thing. Manipulating me, coercing me. When I first met him, I had been with my high school sweetheart, Dave Jenkins. Since we both ended up in Northfield, we didn’t have to deal with long distance and made a smooth transition to college couple. Him a frat boy, me a sorority girl.
Everything was perfect until I met Donald. And like the snake in the garden of Eden, he poisoned my thoughts with his pessimistic view of society. His silver tongue seduced me, spewing Machiavelli, Ayn Rand, and Hobbes, rationalizing how all humans are, at their best self-serving and at their worst destructive primal creatures.
He convinced me that I wouldn’t be able to hold on to Dave, as he was my first and I was his. We humans were meant to explore, find new partners, and taste everything the world had to offer. He was a graduate student and he sounded so smart, so worldly and I fell for him.
The ironic part is in classes I learned all these things that applied directly to situations like this, and had I been paying attention or been able to utilize what I learned, I might’ve avoided making these mistakes. First was the confirmation bias — I found all these innocuous hints and claimed it evidence that he was cheating. Then there’s the observer effect — Slowly, I began to doubt Dave, constantly checking on him, making sure I knew where he was at any one time. So when he finally did cheat, I had no idea whether it was from my increasingly annoying clinginess or it was a natural phenomenon.
When we finally broke up, Donald pounced on me. I was an easy target, exactly what he wanted. Someone who would listen, follow his directions, and I lived like that for the next 15 years, molding to his needs, changing my plans for him.
And now I fell for the same stupid trap again with Bobby. He had manipulated my family into falling apart, just to snap me up. I’m sure he’ll throw me out when he gets what he wants.
No. I won’t let that happen. I’m forswear love from here on out. Even better, I’m going to be mean, cruel. I’m going to look out for myself just like Donald said people did so long ago. We live in a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m going to be a wolf.
But right now it hurts so much. My heart is scarred from the repeated use and abuse. I don’t think I could handle anymore. And this time it’s so much worse. I love Bobby, I mean, I loved Bobby, so much more than Donald. Donald’s affair was a blow to the gut, but it only knocked the wind out of me. Bobby’s betrayal is crushing, like a thousand knives to my heart and a ten-ton boulder crushing down on top, digging those sharp points even deeper.
How many years would it be before I could start pulling each blade, and each wound could start to heal, close those gaping holes. I don’t think I can survive another blow.
No. I have to put up my guard, I won’t be used by anyone. No one can take advantage of me. If I didn’t let anyone in, no one could hurt me.
No one is going to hurt me anymore.
I feel the coldness enclosing my heart, turning it into ice, easing the throbbing pain. This feels nice. I don’t give a shit about anyone anymore. I’m going to live just for me, and no one’s going to even get close to my heart. It’ll be steel, harder than steel, and no one will be able to thrust their knives into it anymore.
That’s when I hear what sounds like a yelp.
What was that?
Was it a dog? Out here? I walk towards the whining and in a little clearing I find two brown furry little things near a tree. Are they actually dogs? When I step closer, I see the telltale bottlebrush tail and the orange hue. They were foxes.
Circling them, keeping my distance, I see the bigger one has her paw stuck in a wire trap or I wasn’t sure if it really was a trap. It could’ve been from trash some asshole left in the woods. I inch closer, but the little one hisses at me. It must be the baby, protecting its mom.
“It’s OK. It’s OK. I’m not gonna hurt you.” I murmur soothingly. I know they can’t understand me but I hope they can hear my tone. I reach out with my hand slowly, but they both bear their teeth at me. I don’t pull back though. I can’t leave them here. They’d die. Suddenly, the little one lunges forward and snaps at my fingers, his little razor sharp teeth barely missing.
Don’t they see I’m trying to help? Wait, what am I doing? I just told myself I wouldn’t help, that I wouldn’t risk myself for anyone or anything else. They were on their own. They’ll be fine. I turn my back to them and walk away. Behind me the yelping begins again and I have to hold my hands to my ears to muffle the sound.
CHAPTER 38
LISA
I’m not going to help.
I’m not going to help.
I’m just going to get bit again.
I’m just going to get hurt. Just like last time and the time before. If I hold my hand out to help, I’ll just get bit.
This is what’s best for me. I need to protect myself. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want this pain anymore. I don’t even realize the tears are streaming down my face until I taste the saltiness on my lips. Why am I crying? Is it for the foxes? Or am I crying for my pitiful self?
I walk and walk, as if walking far enough can stop that yelping noise echoing inside my head. I lower my hands from my ears but I can still hear it somehow even though it should be impossible. Why can’t I just forget about them? Why am I like this? Why am I so weak? Why am I still crying?
This is what I want, right? I’m going to be a wolf. Isn’t this supposed to help me? To escape my torment? Isn’t this supposed to relieve my pain? But then why does it hurt so much?
Before I know it, I’ve turned back and I’m heading back to the clearing. What am I doing? Am I really this weak? I can’t ignore a couple of foxes? Why am I walking straight back into the fire?
They’re going to bite me, they’re going to hurt me. But I know even if they do, it would hurt less than how much I hurt now. I can’t walk away. I can’t ignore someone in need. Even if it causes me pain, I will bear with it. Ignoring who I am causes even more agony.
I thought if I said the magic words, and swore off being nice, being sympathetic, being vulnerable, I could just change. I would transform into someone different, someone strong, the ones who take advantage instead of being taken advantage of. Donald was right. The world is too evil for me to pay attention to every hardship.
But it doesn’t mean I have to turn into him. I don’t want to be Donald. I don’t want to hurt people. Doesn’t everyone feel this pain? How can anyone good bear with such pain? I can’t. Hurting others hurts me. I can’t be a wolf. I could never be a wolf. I need to be who I am. And I would help those foxes, even if I do get bit.