by Lilah May
With each step, that weight on my chest gets lighter and lighter. I finally reach the clearing, and the foxes look at me expectantly. Remembering, they look a little less wary of my presence. The little one returns his attention to its foot, nibbling on the wire. I step close, looking at the trap. Gasping, I reel back.
The little fox isn’t nibbling on the wire, he’s nibbling on the trapped paw. The flesh lay bare and the fur is matted with blood. Unable to free her paw from the wire, it had to resort to chewing her leg off.
I can’t believe it. This is my fault. I left them mercilessly to fend for themselves and this is what they had to do to survive. I could’ve prevented this. How could I have hurt them like this? That stabbing pain returns. It hurts me to know I hurt them. I need to fix this. It’s my responsibility.
Again I murmur calming words, and reach out. This time, they don’t bare their teeth and I’m finally am able to get a hold of the wire. Gently, I turn the foot to find where the wire had twisted up from underneath the ground. I loosen the dirt, but the wire is entangled in the tree’s roots, making it impossible to remove.
How am I going to free her? The knife! The one Bobby gave me. I pull it out and the baby fox hisses. All of a sudden, the fox’s mouth closes on my arm and a moment later pain shocks through me. It bit me. The mama fox bit me.
But I don’t react. If I do, they wouldn’t trust me anymore. I needed to sit through the pain. This was nothing compared to her foot that they chewed halfway through because I walked away. I deserved this.
They must’ve been scared of the knife. Lots of people around these woods, they might have seen knives being put to dangerous uses on deer or other animals. That’s why there was this wire trap in the first place.
I deliberately take the blade and place it near the wire, hoping they might be able to understand. Animals are smarter than many people take them for. They don’t move. So I slip it underneath the loop between the foot and the wire. I start to saw, gently back and forth, and with a snap the wire comes loose. The mama fox scrambles to her feet, herding her baby away from me, still cautious.
“It’s OK. No one’s going to hurt you. You’re free now.” I drop the knife and hold my hand out, palm up. Slowly, the little one comes close, brushing his whiskers against my arm. My arm! I look down and the bite doesn’t look too bad. A couple drops of blood fall to the dirt, but most of it has already staunched. I guess they weren’t trying to rip me apart, just warn me not to do anything with the knife.
Something warm slobbers over my skin. The baby one is licking the blood off, cleaning the wound.
“Awww. Thank you. I’m going to call you Willy for Prince William.” I look at the mama fox who’s watching closely. “And you’ll be Di for Princess Diana. The would-be queen and the prince.” I pet Willy’s soft fur, wishing Bobby was here to meet them. Di herds Willy away from me and towards the edge of the clearing.
They probably have a home to get back to. A family. My family! I have to get back! I bend down to pick up the knife and when I look up, they’re gone.
I still couldn’t believe the baby fox had started to chew on the mother’s leg. They did what they had to do, but what would they have done after that? Would they survive? It reminded me of my situation. Maybe what Bobby did was a good thing. Maybe he had excised the part of me that was holding me back.
Maybe I had been trapped just like the fox and the only thing I could’ve done to move forward was chew my own foot off. Except I didn’t even need to do it. Bobby did it for me. It might’ve hurt in the beginning, having my family breaking apart like that. Ava having to go through the divorce. I had been stunned, knocked off my feet. But I eventually found them again.
How much it must’ve hurt him to hurt me like that. How desperate that baby fox had to be to do that to his mother. How hard it must’ve been to see his mother suffer like that and he know he had to do something. No matter how bad it might seem, how much it might hurt her — or him.
Those foxes didn’t think any of that. But maybe Bobby did. Maybe he does love me. Everything he’s done has been for me. He could’ve tried to have sex with me right after my divorce but he gave me space, gave me time to rebuild my emotions. He took me out when I felt like something was missing in my life and ended up in the wrong kind of bar and brought me to the right kind of bar. One with cats.
All I’ve been doing is teasing him, giving him mixed signals, struggling with myself, I didn’t see how much he had done for me. Maybe he was telling the truth. Maybe he had been in love with me for as long as he says.
Maybe he loves me.
He loves me. The idea makes me feel light, that lovely warmth spreading through me. He loves me.
“He loves me! He loves me!” Before I know it, I’m shouting it to the entire world, even though no one hears it. The more I repeat it, the lighter I feel and suddenly I’m running. I’m running through the trees, scrambling over rocks, leaping over trenches and creeks.
I need to see him, I need to tell him. He’s so important to me. He’s always been so important to me. He’s always made me laugh when I need to. He always protected me when I need it. He’s always been there and I just shook him off, ignoring him because I thought he was a boy.
But he had already been so mature even when he was young. Understanding what I was going through and instead of simply enduring what seemed like a hopeless situation, he did something about it. He’s a man. A real man. Breaking me out of my prison and taking me away to freedom. Why had I refused someone so obviously in love with me? Why did I not see it?
Donald. I can’t believe I let Donald scare me away from him. I let him hold sway over me again. I need to get back to camp and kiss him and hold him and tell him I love him.
I stop. Hold on a minute. I have no idea where I’m going. I’m lost. The green and brown blur together and every direction begins to look the same. Which way did I come from?
How far have I gone from the camp? I walked for like 30 minutes and then I found the foxes. I couldn’t be that far from where I first started. But just now, I ran for about ten minutes and it could’ve been the complete opposite direction. Do I keep going or sit here and wait? Who would I be even waiting for?
Calm down. Maybe I can find my way back to the clearing and then work back from there. I might be able to trace the path that I took to get to there. Since I ran from there to here, I don’t know if I can pick out the way I came. But I think I ran in a straight line. If I turn a 180, and head back...
Rustle. What was that? To my left, I catch something moving in the distance. Is that someone? A hiker? I’m saved. I run toward the person,
“Hello? Hello! Please help me! I got lost out here.” But the person doesn’t answer me and keeps moving. I chase after. When the trees thin out a bit, I finally get close enough for him to see me and I wave my arms, whooping and hollering.
He turns towards me. It doesn’t look like a person. It looks like a—
CHAPTER 39
BOBBY
“Go after her!” my mother cries. But I know I can’t. I need to stay calm. I can’t just run off after her.
Who knows how far she’ll go? How long it’ll take me to find her? I need to prepare. I rustle around the supplies, packing a bag. I have to fight the urge to chase after her right away.
“What the hell just happened?” Donald looks just as shell shocked as Lisa did. I want to punch him in the face, but I had to concentrate on Lisa first. She’s my priority. I can deal with him later.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” my dad directs his anger towards Donald, Ariana caught up alongside. She better get used to that. “You had to do it. You had to come here with her. You couldn’t just leave well enough alone.”
“Whaaatt? How is that my fault?” Donald whines like a dolphin. That would be insulting to dolphins. “It’s been months. I thought she would be over it by now.”
“She was over it. It doesn’t mean she wants to see your face.” Rob threateningly ap
proaches Donald, eyeing him dangerously. “I don’t think I want to see your face anymore, too.”
“Well, I don’t want to see your fat ugly face, either.” Donald doesn’t back down. “Plus, this is all that bitch’s fault. What the hell did I do that was so bad, anyways?”
Well, it looks like I’m not dealing with him later. My arm’s already swinging, my sledgehammer of a fist heading straight for his chin, when I remember I promised myself I would make this slow.
I open my fist, slapping him across the face. But the strength behind my hit knocks him clean off his feet and straight onto his ass. Stunned, his eyes roll back into his skull for a second before he shakes himself awake.
But by that time, I’m on top of him, my hands wrapped around his puny throat. I could kill this motherfucker right now, save Ariana the trouble, confident I’m making this world a better place.
“You wanted to know what you did that was so bad? This is it. This is how it feels to live with you. You like it?” It’s rhetorical. I’m giving him enough air to speak. Donald’s clawing at my arms, scratching, gasping, but I don’t let up.
“Son, you should let go,” my dad gravely suggests, his hand patting my shoulder. “You’ve done enough.”
He’s right. What am I doing? It’s not his fault. It’s mine. Lisa would’ve found out eventually. I would have had to tell her. But it shouldn’t have come from him or his bitch.
Either way, I’m wasting precious time. I let go.
“Sorry, Dad, I lost my temper for a second.” Donald scurries away from me like the worm he is. As soon as he’s recovered, he’s gasping accusations at me.
“You tried to kill me! I’m going to call the police!”
“Good luck getting signal here.”
“Th-then when we get back,” he sputters, “You’re going to jail.”
“Deal with my lawyers. I’ve got ten of them on retainer. Just know when I come back I want you gone. If I ever see you again, I won’t stop. No one will stop me until I snap that little neck of yours.”
“I’m sorry. I thought she already knew about how we met. I mean, how did she find out about the pictures?” Ariana asks, holding Donald, shushing him. Maybe she’s smarter than I originally pegged her for.
“Oh shit.” My mom smacks herself on the forehead.
“What now?” I groan.
“I might’ve told her something before about how you were a playboy.”
“Jesus Christ, Mom, really?” I’ve wasted enough time. I start searching the surrounding area.
“Look, I had no idea you were in love with her.”
“What else did you say?” Rob asks her, shaking his head in disappointment.
“I said that Bobby always had a different girl on his arm when he would visit.”
“Well, that part’s true!” Ariana chimes in. Please, god, someone shut her up.
“And—”
“Really? There’s more, Patty?” My dad’s in disbelief.
“I’m sorry! I said he didn’t see them as people and he was just playing around with them.”
“Why? Why would you say that?” Now, my dad’s laying in on her.
“Whaattt? He didn’t! He was always complaining to us how he had to break up with them because they were falling in love with him.”
“Holy shit. Why would you even tell that to anyone? About your own son?”
“Hey. Lisa’s my friend. I didn’t want her to get hurt after Bobby the player kicked her to the curb.”
“I wasn’t planning on it.” I call out as I continue looking for the start of her trail.
“Wait, Bobby’s going out with Ms. Howard? OMG. That’s so amazing!” Ariana’s oblivious intervention is so comically well-timed, we’re left to wonder if it’s all an act and in fact she’s a genius pretending to be an idiot. But then we remember it’s Ariana.
“Whatever. I’ll be back.” I heave the backpack over my shoulder.
“Make sure you’re back before dinner.” They’re not worried at all. They know I once spent an entire summer alone in these mountains, using only primitive technology surviving on my wits. It was very meditative. I came up with many of my ideas for new apps in these very woods.
“No, thank you. You gossipers have fun by yourself. We’ll be fine out there. We need some alone time, anyways. Maybe you guys can have an orgy.” I’m trying to piss them off even though I know it won’t work. This isn’t their fault anyways.
Finding the exact spot where she first entered the brush, I find a good set of footprints and set off. I follow her trail, finding the occasional foot print, but mostly destroyed brush, a snapped branch or a twig. Few humans come out here, so it’s pretty easy to tell which way she went if you know what you’re looking for. Sometimes, a deer trail throws me off, but I trace back to where I diverged and pick up the trail again. It’s slow work but I know I’ll find her in the end.
When you hunt animals, you don’t just happen upon them. You literally have to chase after them. That’s what humans did when we had no technology and we were armed with spears. We ran and ran until we tired them out. We were all marathon runners and I plan on running all day to find her. But I know she can’t have gotten that far.
I find a clearing where she stopped. From the matted grass, it seems as if she rested for a bit here. Looking around the tree, I find a wire trap. Goddamn. It’s illegal to hunt here. I go to disable the trap, but it’s already cut. There’s some blood on it. It has to be her. She spent time freeing an animal even during an emotional crisis.
Oh god. How much I love that woman. The emotion seems to bubble up from deep within me. Like a cresting wave. If I was a crier, I think I would cry, from the beauty of this emotion. That animal inside me that I couldn’t control had clouded this feeling, prevented me from realizing how clean and pure love actually is.
Two trails lead from the clearing, but one of them seems to track back. The other leads away and doesn’t come back. I follow that one.
I stop. I’m not the only one tracking her. There’s been another trail weaving in and out. I thought it was just another animal crossing paths, but I’ve come across it again and again. It isn’t just a coincidence. It’s been following her for a while now. I look closely at the signs. The tracks are heavy and loud. The impressions dig deep into the dirt. The path it left was wide as a — I burst into a run, following the swath of destruction through the underbrush. I need to get to her. She’s in danger. It’s a bear. A bear is on her trail.
CHAPTER 40
LISA
It’s been stalking me for an hour now. This time, I’m really lost. I have no idea where I’m going but I know I’m going wherever the bear isn’t. I lurch forward, step by step, exhausted. My heart won’t slow and I’m gasping for air. Not because I’m running. I heard you should never run from a bear because they’ll just chase after you. So I’ve been walking slowly. Maybe in circles, who knows?
I’m so scared my hands won’t stop shaking and my legs feel like they’ll give out on the next step. The only thing that keeps me going is Bobby. He has to be looking for me. He’s definitely looking for me. But will he come in time? Before this bear decides it’s too hungry to wait? I scan the trees looking for the bear. I don’t see him but I know he’s there. I could feel him. Waiting. What is he waiting for? I look around again, trying to find it.
I spot a brown smear in the distance. Is that it? I squint. No, just a dead tree. Which way do I go?
Rustle.
I jump. Where did that come from? I look to my left. Is it the bear?
Rustle.
Rustle.
I look to my right. Did it come from those bushes? Suddenly, they start shaking. I bolt before I can make sure, ignoring the advice against running, sprinting away from the sound, without even looking back. I run and run until my lungs burn and my calves ache. I can’t go on. I have to stop. Did I put enough distance behind me?
I’m so thirsty. I put my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath
. But it catches in my dry throat and I start to retch. Dry heaves rack my body and I fall to the ground. I need water. Bile fills my mouth, the acidity burning my throat.
I can’t stop coughing. And I fall to the ground, curling up, the coughs keep coming, my parched tongue sticking to the top of my mouth, my throat ragged and swollen from the hacking, the dry, sticky mucus closing it up even further.
Calm down, Lisa.
Wheezing, I try to hold the coughs in, staying my breath, forcing myself to reduce the coughing. Soon, it comes in tiny whimpers and muffled chokes.
Rustle.
Is it the bear? I can’t run like this. I need water...
Rustle.
I need to get up. Get up! But my body won’t respond.
Rustle.
I look towards the bush it’s coming from, preparing myself for the worst. A snout pokes out and then pointy ears. It’s Willy! And behind him is Diana. They shouldn’t be here. They’re in danger.
“Go away. It’s not safe!” I croak, my scratchy throat barely able to release my voice. “Run!” They both disappear back into the bushes, and I should feel relieved but I wish they had stayed. At least for a little longer. I want to call out, but I hold my tongue. It really wasn’t safe to be around me.
Rustle. Is it them? Or is it the bear? It’s them. They bark, but quietly as if they know I’m being followed. They run in a full circle around me and then go back to their hiding spot. They bark and run the circle again. What do they want? They slip in and out of the bush two more times before I think I finally understand. They want me to follow them.
I crawl towards them, unsure if my unsteady legs would hold. When I reach the bush, I lay flat on my stomach and squeeze underneath. On the other side, the two are digging a hole, and as it gets bigger and bigger, their bodies start to disappear, only their thick tails wagging over the top.