Loving Lawson

by R. J. Lewis

  I’d never seen the place so silent before. Everyone watched in awe as the man broke the one I… loved.

  I loved him.

  I wanted to cover my eyes and cry, but I found myself slipping away. Detached from reality, yet feeling as though I was being tortured from within. I felt every hit, heard every sound, and gulped back every tear as Marko brought him down one swing at a time.

  Not even desperation could aid Heath like he had originally hoped.

  He lost.

  Completely and utterly faced defeat in a way I knew would kill him more on a mental level than physical.

  *

  Even long after the warehouse was empty, Heath lay on the floor, staring up at the broken ceiling with dead eyes. I stood still, watching him from afar as he refused to move. From behind me, I heard Matt’s footsteps as he too waited for Heath. He knew he was going to need help getting to the car and into the apartment. Matt offered to drive us home because in Heath’s current state, I was sure he wouldn’t be able to.

  His lip was busted up. His face had swollen with bruises and one of his eyes could barely open the entire way. His body was red all over and would no doubt be a sea of black by the morning. He was glistening from head to toe in sweat, and was probably beyond dehydrated. Yet he refused to say a word to us. Refused to drink water or acknowledge our presence.

  Matt knew what was going on. Heath had approached him for some help, but Matt pissed away all of his spare cash on alcohol and going out. I believed it. I’d seen him and Ryker firsthand throw away an insane amount of money in one night.

  “If I were you,” he whispered to me, watching Heath carefully, “I’d convince him to take you the hell out of here and get as far away from Hedley as possible.”

  I didn’t reply. Did he really have to say that?

  Frowning, I walked over to Heath and took a seat on the ground next to him. I looked up at the gaping hole in between the ceiling beams, at the stars that shimmered like diamonds in the night sky. Pretty picturesque when it was coming through a derelict hole in a roof.

  Some things are just relative, I guess.

  “Heath,” I said quietly, “we need to get out of here before anyone notices we’re still in here.” Last thing we needed was to be robbed of whatever we had by roaming homeless people, or whatever gang lurked nearby.

  “Yeah,” he simply muttered.

  He made to move before pausing instantly. He grimaced at the pain and breathed through his teeth. Matt hurried to his side and tried to help him up, but Heath tore away from his grip. This was his way of saying he didn’t need help, and whatever pride he had left after that fight needed to remain intact, so I shot Matt a look that said, “Do as he wants.”

  It took a while before Heath was on his feet and at his car. I leaned into his side on many occasions in case he stumbled and needed something to keep him upright. He refused to be driven home by Matt, instead choosing to jump into the driver’s seat. Despite this, Matt said he’d follow us home and leave when we were in our apartment, which I appreciated.

  Heath drove slowly, the pain was raw on his face. I watched him intently, unsure of what to say. I wasn’t sure words would help him right now. They would have seemed empty anyway.

  He parked the car in the lot and gingerly stepped out. Matt joined us. We silently made our way up to the apartment. Upon entering, Heath immediately disappeared into the bedroom.

  “You don’t have to stick around,” I said to Matt who was standing by the door.

  “I just want to be sure he’s okay,” he replied with a short smile. “He’s always made sure I was. Least I can do.”

  I nodded in understanding. Then I left him and entered the bedroom. Heath was sitting on the edge of the bed in the dark, his head in his hands. I slowly went to him, uncertain of what I could do to make him feel better. Sensing my presence he extended one arm out and grabbed hold of me. He pulled me to him, resting his head against my bump. He breathed in and out deeply, holding me tightly as though I was a lifeline.

  “It’s okay,” I whispered to him, stroking my fingers through his short hair. “It’s okay, Heath.”

  He shook his head and inhaled sharply. “It was too much. The fucking stress… I couldn’t focus.”

  “I know. You need to rest.”

  “I can’t. I gotta figure out –”

  “Lay down and rest,” I cut in. “You can’t think like this. You’ve worn yourself down. You have to sleep, Heath.”

  I began pushing him back, and he fought against me. I pushed harder, and finally he relented. I climbed in bed after him and took his shoes off. I kissed him, muttering that he needed to rest, over and over again until his body relaxed in the mattress. He tugged me into his side and held me tightly.

  “What would I do without you?” he muttered as he dozed off.

  Live your life, I would have said long ago. But now that I was this close to him, I would have actually asked him the same thing. We’d known each other for so long, yet we’d never explored our relationship. Not until the bad happened. And who would have thought that in bad times something so good could come of it?

  Eventually, I pulled away and left him to sleep. Matt was still waiting by the door when I reappeared. He looked a little tired, but when he saw me he straightened himself up.

  “How is he?” he asked.

  “Resting,” I answered. “It’s been over a week since I’ve seen him sleep.”

  “Jesus.”

  “Yeah.”

  He ran a hand through his blonde locks and checked the time on his watch. “Alright. Well, I should probably go. Unless you need anything else.”

  I began to shake my head when a thought suddenly entered my mind. I paused as I thought it through. The clock was ticking, and while we may not have the full fifteen grand by Sunday, getting as much as possible would help our cause, right?

  “Actually,” I said, “if it wouldn’t hassle you to take me someplace, I’d really appreciate it.”

  “Now? It’s almost midnight.”

  “I know.”

  While surprised, he carefully nodded and said, “Okay, Allie. Whatever you want.”

  *

  Matt parked his car in front of the rundown weatherboard house. It looked just as sad as most on this neglected block. Per usual, Mom’s maroon hatchback was parked sideways, half its body on the tall grass and the other half on the cement driveway. The bins were neatly set up to the side of the house and empty. Above them, hanging off the corner of the house, was a wind chime, and it was going off strong tonight.

  “You sure you want to see her?” asked Matt.

  “Yeah,” I answered. “She’s been avoiding me too long.”

  “Looks pretty dead inside.”

  The lights were out. She’d gone to bed. But whatever, it was the weekend. She could afford getting up at midnight to greet her pregnant daughter of whom she’d tossed out without a care.

  “Give me a minute,” I told Matt. He nodded and I stepped out. I walked up the path to the front door. I was so far passed the point of caring, I wasn’t at all nervous like I would have thought I’d be. I think it was because I had really nothing to lose, so there was no harm trying.

  I opened the screen door and knocked several times as loudly as possible. The house had no doorbell… Not one working anyway. I knew my mother. She was a light sleeper. The nights I’d slipped out of bed and tried to sneak out to see Ryker had never resulted in success, though she did stop trying when I rebelled against her time and time again.

  The outside porch light went on, and I stepped back so she could see me clearly through the peephole. I could hear movements on the other side of the door. The shuffle – a distinct sound I knew too well – was her front pressed against the door. Then…

  Silence.

  I sighed and knocked again. “Open the door, Mom.”

  She didn’t open the door.

  I knocked a little louder. “Open the door, Mom! I can hear you. I’m not going
anywhere, you know.”

  More shuffling.

  “I need you.”

  Pause.

  The sounds of her unlocking the deadbolt and two other locks were a relief to my ears. The knob turned and the door opened. She stood shorter than me and was wearing her usual pink, floral robe and sad looking slippers. Her dark hair was a mess, and her eyes were squinted in my direction, revealing those crow’s feet wrinkles a little too strongly than I remembered. Her lips pursed and she glared – and boy, when Mom glared, that woman could have you running the other way in no time.

  “Hey,” I said weakly, with a pathetic wave of my hand.

  “What’re you doing here, Allison?” she retorted in her raspy voice. “I made it clear I did not want to see you –”

  “Unless I wanted to be saved. Yes, I know, okay? I know already. You screamed it ten thousand times as you threw my stuff out the door. I haven’t forgotten.” I didn’t mean to sound so bitter, but it couldn’t be helped. I wasn’t over what she’d done. Wasn’t sure I ever could be either.

  “I threw you out because of your constant defiance,” she barked back as she took a step closer to me. “You had no respect for yourself. First a boy that did nothing but ruin your life and impregnate you. Now where is he? The boy who promised you the world is rotting in jail, isn’t he? And then what do you do? Run your mouth about aborting a child of God – as if I could accept that! What would everyone at Church think of you?”

  “If they cared for their God like you say they do, they’d forgive me,” I angrily returned. Already I was angry! Typical of her to make me feel that way in under a minute. “They wouldn’t judge, which is what you’re excellent at doing.”

  She’d equally had enough. “What do you want?”

  Oh, God. How could I ask for money when we’d just spat in each other’s faces? I swallowed hard and hesitated. She watched me carefully, crossing her arms in that authoritative way. It was time to put aside my pride.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, looking down at the porch. I was pretty sure it was the first time I’d ever apologized for anything in my life to her. “You’re right. I was a shitty kid when it came to Ryker. I defied you over him because I thought I saw something in him, but… you were right all along.”

  She didn’t reply. I was sure I’d floored her.

  “He… left behind a lot of bad, and it’s because of that I’m here. I need your help.”

  “Help with what?” she asked cautiously.

  “I need money –”

  She interrupted with a sharp intake of breath. It sounded like a hiss to me. “How much money are we talking about?”

  “Five grand would really help.”

  “I don’t even have two cents to rub together, Allie.”

  “Well, I mean, anything would help, really. I’ll pay you back.”

  She shook her head, giving me a big fat no. “I don’t have anything.”

  Fuck.

  I exhaled loudly and rubbed my aching eyes. “Alright. Well, can I have a glass of water or something? I’m really thirsty.”

  She tilted her head to the side and looked at me like I was the biggest inconvenience of her life. “Are you serious with me right now?”

  “Yes.”

  Again, she pursed those lips and then she turned around. She walked into the kitchen and I followed after her. I pressed a hand to my stomach, feeling lightheaded with overexertion. I hadn’t eaten all day. Pain shot up my lower back, and my growing belly was starting to feel like I’d swallowed a giant bowling ball. I waited by the entrance kitchen as she filled a glass of water under the tap. Then she walked to me and went to hand over the glass when she suddenly stopped. Her eyes were large, her mouth open in awe, and her gaze was firmly trained on my hand against my belly.

  “Oh,” I said, remembering, “yeah, I never did abort, by the way. I mean, I was going to tell you about it, but you never picked up the goddamn phone, so…”

  I took the glass from her hand and drained every last drop of the water as she carried on with her unabashed staring.

  “How far along?” she practically mouthed out.

  “Four months.”

  “Oh, my Jesus. Where’ve you been staying at?”

  “Heath.”

  Her face twisted. “Heath Lawson?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What is it with you and those Lawson boys?”

  I smiled wistfully. “Heath is different, Mom. He’s… everything to me right now.”

  She didn’t respond. She tucked away her emotions – something she’d always been good at – and simply nodded at me. That was pretty much the end of that.

  “Alright,” I muttered, “I gotta get back. Thanks for opening the door and not ignoring me. I understand you can’t help, by the way. I just thought it was worth trying. Everyone’s tight around here, so…”

  Still, no response.

  “Okay. Good night, Mom.” I wish things were different. I wish we were close. I wish Dad’s death never fucked you up because you were pretty great before it happened.

  Those thoughts always swirled around my mind, but I could never voice them. I turned away instead and marched out of there. The wind whipped through my hair on my way to the car. I gave Matt an apologetic look as I reached over and opened the door.

  I was about to slip in when I suddenly heard, “Allie!”

  I looked back at the house and saw Mom hastily making her way over to me. In the dark I couldn’t make out her face, but I saw her holding something in her hand. She approached me, turning her head for a beat at Matt before looking back at me. She grabbed my hand and shoved what I now knew was an envelope in my palm.

  “Here,” she said with a shaken voice, “this is… all I have put aside. It’s three thousand dollars, or something close to it.”

  My heart must have stopped beating because I couldn’t draw a breath in.

  “I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be,” she then said, taking a step back. “I’m not… I’ve never been well since... It’s not your fault. It never was.”

  She hurried away before I could say anything. I tightened my hold on the envelope while my eyes were trained on her frame as she escaped into the house and shut the door. Salty tears met my parted lips as I nodded once at the house in thanks and climbed into the car.

  Fifteen

  Heath

  I watched her Saturday morning sitting on the edge of the bed with the cash in hand. She was counting it over and over again, looking a little pleased with herself. I’d woken up to a kiss on my lips and the good news.

  Three extra thousand dollars.

  But had I won last night, it could have been hell of a lot more.

  “Nine thousand and two hundred dollars,” she said for the third time. “You can’t tell me they’ll be pissed about that.”

  They would be pissed about that indefinitely.

  I didn’t tell her that, though. I just offered her a smile, and she fell for it.

  “How do you feel?” she then asked, staring about my ruined face with worry.

  “I slept well,” I answered. That was the only thing I could say that sounded positive. Anything else would have been a lie.

  I slowly sat up, fighting the pain that shot up from my ribs. I was fucked. I could hardly move an inch without feeling bone-breaking pain somewhere. It had me seeing stars around the corners of my vision. My mouth ached from constantly tensing my jaw and grinding my teeth.

  Allie kept reaching her arms out, wanting to help me, but then pulling back as though she was uncertain about it. After my defeat – more like slaughter – I think she was trying not to make me feel like I was completely helpless. I appreciated it. At the moment I felt emasculated. What kind of guy was I if I couldn’t fucking provide? Maybe I should have fought more and been tighter with the budget.

  Shoulda, coulda. Not gonna help your situation, remember?

  “I’m going to take the money up there today,” I told her.

&nb
sp; She stopped counting the money again and looked up at me. The hesitation and fear reflected in her eyes.

  “Why?” she asked. “We have another day. We might be able to find more –”

  “No way are we going to make it to fifteen,” I cut in calmly. “The best thing would be to show up a day early and tell him what we have. That way if he takes it, we’re out of the clear until the next payment.”

  “And if he doesn’t?”

  Exhaling with finality, I said, “Then that gives us a day to get the fuck out of here.”

  She swallowed, fighting back the tears behind those clear blue eyes. “Okay.”

  I opened my arms out to her and she crawled into them. She nestled herself against me, carefully splaying an arm over my waist. I stroked her hair and thought long and hard about today’s events.

  Fuck, let it end well.

  *

  You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you’ve idled your car in front of a bank, watching the people move in and out, and wondering how possible it might be to walk in there and rob the place.

  Fuckin’ Dick and Jane type shit right here.

  It took me a long time to talk myself out of doing something stupid. I won in the end, pulling out and driving as far away as possible. I followed the directions on my map book to the address I’d been given. By the time I finally made it there, I was on the outskirts of Hedley, nearing the rural farming divisions of which were mostly neglected or abandoned.

  The place I turned into was a shell. Windows all boarded up. An unbalanced black stained house that looked like a gust of wind could knock its walls down. Yet despite the less than stellar real estate, a yellow Ferrari was parked out front.

  Because that’s not suspect, right?

  I drove past it and parked the car half a kilometre down the road. I stepped out with the envelope of money in hand and made my walk under the clouded sun. I breathed calmly, focusing solely on keeping myself put together.

  Every step forward was agony.

  My chest burned.