‘I have got it, here, let’s do it now,’ before I could finish my bedroom door flew open with Seth announcing we were going out to eat. Stuffing the test back in my bag, we all headed to the car, playing the happy family game as per usual.
Dinner was torture. I felt the test burning a hole through my bag and into my leg with anticipation.
Not being able to take it any longer, I gave Lexi the knowing look and left the table to use the bathroom, my sister following close behind. This was not unusual, we would often need to do things at exactly the same time and my parents chatted with Seth animatedly about the movie they were planning to watch later.
Taking Lexi’s hand, I led her into the large bathroom stall. It was so big it even had a chair in there and placing the test down on the table with its floral arrangement of lilies and roses mocking me and shaking their heads in disgust, I proceeded to open the box and read the instructions.
‘I can’t do this,’ Lexi tried to open the bathroom door, and I pulled her arm gently.
‘You have to, Lexi, time is getting on and you only have options for so long,’ hating myself for even saying it, but knowing full well from health class, there were only certain times you could make decisions and she needed to know now.
‘Look it is really easy, just pee in the cup,’ handing her the plastic water cup that had been strategically placed next to the porcelain sink. ‘We then just stick the test in and wait.’ Lexi nodded, but the tears were building in her eyes and holding her hand, I had never felt more frightened.
Sitting on the toilet, she was as white as a ghost and the tension and anxiety was making it more difficult. We could hear people milling in and out of the bathroom and stepping back, knocking the lilies, I tried to wipe off the orange blossom that had cascaded down from the flower, landing on my hand in the process.
‘Here, I can’t look,’ Lexi handed me the cup, I followed the directions, dipping the test wand, and placed it carefully on the side after the allotted time had passed.
We just stared into space for the longest time, neither of us wanting to turn and look, but eventually knowing we would be missed very soon I cautiously peeked and there it was in bright embolden letters, the word I never thought I would see until we were both married and older. Pregnant.
‘Oh,’ was all I could muster and seeing my reaction, Lexi immediately burst into tears. Holding her against me while she cried and stroking her hair I tried to think of ways that this could turn out okay for everyone; I was at a loss.
‘Caitlan, what am I going to do?’ the tears streaming down her face and onto my shirt, I could not answer for the longest time. My brain, not wanting to process that this was even happening, to form a verbal response. I just held her.
Finally, I felt able to communicate and pulling her away from me, I took a deep breath.
‘No matter what, I will be here for you and support you, I swear it.’ Lexi nodded and wiped the back of her hand across her face. I waited to ask the question I needed to do, but time was running out.
‘Is it Christopher’s baby?’ She just stared at me for the longest time, as though I was asking if an alien had landed on earth and impregnated her, responding, coolly.
‘Yes, but I will not tell him and I don’t want you to either, please, Caitlan.’ She sounded so desperate I agreed to calm her, but this was something she could not avoid forever, if she kept the baby. He would need to know, to support her and obviously because it would be his child too. The words fixating themselves into my subconscious, without mercy.
I found my eyes wandering down to her stomach, it still looked the same as mine, but it wasn’t in the least. She was carrying a baby and my heart stopped.
We cleaned up the area and placing the test into the trash I audibly sighed in disbelief. We had just taken a pregnancy test in the bathroom of my parent’s favourite restaurant and it was positive. My sister was pregnant.
Lexi – woe is me
I returned to the table in a complete haze of emotions. Not really processing anything around me, just going through the motions of picking my fork up, stabbing my food and chewing. The rhythmic buzz of the air-conditioning humming through the dark recesses of my brain. What had I done? What was I going to do? I was pregnant. The words did not compute. How could I be pregnant at sixteen after only having sex once and using both a condom and birth control?
The odds were forever in my favour, except the one time I needed them to be and bam, like a jack-in-the-box popping out with a positive pregnancy test, just proving me wrong with a maniacal laugh and a, look what you did now, grin.
The drive back home was torturous, I just wanted to scream, ball my eyes out and hide under my blanket. Nothing could get to me there.
Instead, I had to endure my mom and dad making polite, tense conversation about the weather and the effects of climate change on the oceans currents. My brother’s computer game pinging irritably in my ears every time he scored and my sister completely ashen, whenever I caught her eye.
Finally home, I excused myself as quickly as possible and flew to my bedroom, now nicknamed, the room of despair. This was the only room I could really be myself in and now this was the room that held the biggest secrets. The tears flowing from my eyes like a river meeting the ocean. That one night just ended my life, as I know it.
Hearing my sister enter the room, I just lay as still as possible under my blanket, hoping she would think I was asleep and leave. There were no words to be spoken, no arguments to be had, nothing. I just wanted to close my eyes and go back to a time when everything was just about which shoes went best with a purse. But as much as I wanted that test to be negative, I was acutely disappointed.
‘Lexi, we need to talk. What are we going to do?’ Shuffling under the, we, word I peeked out from my blanket.
‘We? There is no, we, in a positive pregnancy test, just me and I want to sleep. Goodnight, Caitlan.’ As if that would work, but I had to try.
‘Seriously, I mean seriously, Lexi, as much as I would just love to jump under that blanket with you and forget everything, we can’t. You’re three months pregnant and there is no time,’ Caitlan whispered, despair pouring from her core.
‘Fine, I’m here, let’s talk. What do you think I should do?’ I did not mean it to be cruel, but seeing Caitlan recoil at my words; I knew I had gone too far. ‘See, this is why we can’t talk right now. I don’t want to hurt you, Caitlan, but all I can think is that I have just thrown my life away. Seeing you here with your principal ballerina career ahead isn’t helping. K,’ throwing the blanket back over my head, surely she would take the hint now, but who was I kidding?
‘No, this is where you are wrong, there is no, I, in pregnancy, just we and I will do everything I can to help you. Together forever, the A team remember,’ smiling impishly at me, I could see her reflection in the mirror.
‘Okay then, trade places with me, you be me and be pregnant. That is the only way you can help me right now. Now go, seriously, I can’t do this,’ turning over to face the wall, I heard her audibly sigh and finally take the hint.
Closing the door behind her, I lay for the longest time just listening to the creeks the old house made, bringing me some comfort.
Things had changed forever, but at least I could count on that to always be the same.
I awoke several hours later, my hand numb after lying on my arm too long, the house too quiet for my thoughts to be blocked any longer. Something I had shouted out at Caitlan earlier kept repeating on me. A never ending loop of torture, but fuelled with the greatest deception known to man. Could we pull it off? Would she? No one could tell us apart, not even our own parents if we attempted to double cross them.
When we were babies, my mother had always put letters on our feet or purposely dressed us differently with a hair bow or accessory. The only person who knew us apart without doubt was Seth, but he loved Caitlan more than life, if she asked him to lie, he would, no question. Knowing my dad would kick me out without
a second thought, I had no other option, but Caitlan would. Being pregnant and Caitlan would be hard, but being pregnant and Lexi was impossible.
The puzzle pieces were starting to form and I could see the complete picture, so clearly. There was just one piece missing, Caitlan.
Climbing out of bed and feeling my feet sway unsteadily; I sat back down. Pregnancy was tough on you for sure and I gently stroked my belly. The first time I had acknowledged the baby was the first time I had a possible plan that could work. I felt immense guilt and vowed there and then that I would protect my baby. Love and cherish it; there was no choice.
‘Caitlan, wake up, I need you,’ gently shaking her awake. It did not take long; she was the lightest sleeper I know.
‘Lex, everything okay?’ yawning and rubbing her eyes, she looked so young, and I felt mid-thirties with angst.
‘Caitlan, what I said earlier, I can’t get it out of my head. If I tell mom and dad I am pregnant, dad will disown me. But if you are pregnant, yes, they will be mad, but they will forgive you. I have never asked you to lie for me like this and for as long as I live, I would never. For the baby’s sake, Caitlan, please will you be pregnant?’ She just stared at me for the longest time, not sure if she was fully awake I started to speak, but was quickly silenced.
‘Yes, I will do it.’ Those five words, the start of the biggest deception we had ever attempted and in that moment, I could not have loved her more.
Curling up together, as we had so many times before, I fell asleep and slept peacefully for the first time in three months. My body had been telling me all along, but I could not face it. Now I had everything planned, it was just a case of following through. Seth would be next and then telling my parents.
Waking the next day to the clicking of keys, Caitlan grinned from ear to ear as she warmed up for her ballet lesson to the readings of Lucas.
‘Morning,’ I groggily sat up and felt the instant rush of nausea hit.
‘Here, eat this, I read it helps,’ handing me a cracker I smiled at the windows she had opened on her computer. What to expect when you’re expecting, baby development and a million baby stores.
‘Been researching?’ She was the best sister I could ever have hoped for and my guilt was eating me whole. I had never once thought of the implications to her of our deception and rushing to the bathroom, the guilt manifested into the toilet bowl.
What was I doing to her? Reading my mind was her forte, but not expecting the words I was about to receive, my heart stopped in anticipation.
‘I know and yes it will be hard for me, but you would do the same thing a million times over, right?’ I would, but that was not my main concern.
‘Caitlan, I don’t want you to do anything because you feel an obligation to me. It was my ridiculously stupid actions that have resulted in this and I don’t want you to become somebody else lightly. If at any time it is too much for you, we will stop, no questions asked, okay?’ Wanting her to realise just what she was getting into, but also that there was a breakout clause, whenever she needed it.
‘Got it, now we need to get you to a doctor so we can check you’re doing well and then I don’t think we can hide this any longer, so Seth and I need to chat. I want to speak with him alone if that is okay with you?’ She sounded so much older in that one minute than I had ever heard her and the guilt once again was consuming me whole. But at the same time, the baby that I was carrying did not ask to be born. This was all on me and until there was another option, I could not see how to not need Caitlan in this way. I would make this up to her, for as long as I lived.
Wrapping myself around her, we would get through this somehow.
Fixing my gown as tightly around myself as possible, I lay down on the examination table, shaking from head to toe.
‘Miss Thomas, my name is Jean and I will be taking a few measurements and asking you a couple of questions if that is okay?’ I nodded blankly, my voice too tightly wound up to vocalise an agreement, watching pensively as she dipped my urine and took my blood pressure.
‘Okay, now I will go and bring your sister in and we can start your ultrasound.’ Closing the door behind her, I breathed out.
‘Hey, everything okay?’ Caitlan frowned, too much to worry about at our age; I reached for her hand and stared at the ultrasound screen. We were about to see the baby for the first time and I was petrified how I would feel.
Would it be instant love like you see in the movies? Or would everything that was terrifying me be manifested onto that screen, horns, tail, and all. Shaking my head, this was insane; I closed my eyes and pictured lying on the beach. Listening to the sounds of the ocean gently rippling back and forth across the golden sand. The breeze picking up and wafting the ocean scent over me, purifying me at every turn.
The sound of the door opening brought me back from the blissful dream and I took a last look at Caitlan before we would never be the same again. Transfixed on the screen I waited to see my baby for the first time.
‘Here it is, all measurements are on track, you are measuring at fourteen weeks exactly.’ I just stared at the little human squirming around on the screen in front of me. I could not take my eyes away, nor wanted to. Never had I felt love like this, he was mine and I was his.
‘I will give you a moment to get dressed, if you have any questions, just let me know and I will leave the pictures at reception for you.’ Closing the door behind her, I fixated all my attention on my saviour.
‘Say something, anything.’ She was often an open book, but this time, I could not gauge anything about what she was feeling or thinking.
‘He is beautiful, Lexi,’ gently placing her hand on my stomach.
‘He?’
‘I have a feeling and he certainly looked as active as Seth is,’ lifting her gaze to meet mine. ‘We can do this, Caitlan, I promise,’ winking at me and I froze. ‘If we are going to do this, we need to stay in character at all times, otherwise we may slip. When we leave this office, I am you and you are me, no turning back now. Hi I’m Lexi, nice to meet you.’ Caitlan stared into the mirror. I watched in awe, that was my sister, and she was going to save my baby.
Caitlan – becoming lexi
I had tossed and turned all night, just hearing her voice repeatedly in my head, an endless loop of lies, desperation and ultimatums.
Be me, that is the only way to help. Had she intentionally meant to say those words to plant the seeds? I do not know, but plant and fertilise them she did. They were reaching seedling phase as I dropped off to sleep and when she came into my room, fully grown.
Adjusting my ballet shoes and turning my favourite song on, I pirouetted around the room until my lungs were on fire and my body felt like it had exploded into a million pieces. Everything I had worked for, ever wanted and desired was about to thrown away by a one-night stand. Collapsing onto the floor, I wept for all my dreams that would never be possible and for my sisters too. Removing my ballet slippers, tossing them across the room in anger I gently strapped my bleeding toes and hobbled into the shower.
Feeling the water flow at full speed over my head and down my back a thought occurred to me. Being Lexi did not mean I could not have everything I worked for, I would just have to make my dreams into hers. I shuddered at my selfishness as the water turned cold and wrapping the towel around my body surveyed myself in the mirror. My sister was having a baby, and I was worried about whether I could still become a professional ballerina.
Slapping myself back to reality, figuratively speaking, I vowed there and then that I would never let her down and putting on my Lexi face, smiled the only way she could.
‘Seth, I need you to understand that I would never ask you to lie to mom and dad without an extreme reason. If dad kicks Lexi out we may never see her or the baby again. We have to do this and I promise you, it is the only way.’
Explaining to my baby brother the reason why I had to become Lexi was so much harder than I thought it would be. It tore me apart to ask him to lie like
that, but with no other option, the web of deception was complete and ready to be put to the test. Opening my email programme, there was only one voice I wanted to hear.
Lucas, if I could be in your arms right now, I would give anything.
Hitting send on the email, I longed to be held and to just forget everything that had happened. Life was so complicated; I never got it until now. Mom and dad were always in corners when alone, hushed voices and furrowed brows, nothing had been the same and now it would never be again.
I longed for those times when all I worried about was getting my pointe down. Lifting my head at the audible beep, I could not help but smile. Lucas had sent me a picture of a giant teddy bear, arms outstretched.
Lexi, I would give anything to be that bear right now. I know things with your sister are going to be so hard, especially when you tell your parents, but it will get better, I promise. I love you and always will. Hold onto that.
Lucas xxx
Closing the computer down, I was about to put being Lexi to the test, no longer just in name and my heart was beating a thousand times a second in my chest.
We had already switched rooms, bringing with us only our most beloved treasures and opening the door to her closet I marvelled at the outfit options. Selecting a denim skirt and fitted shirt, I surveyed the result. With my hair and makeup done, I had to admit shockingly so, I actually did look like my sister; now if I could pull it off for real.
Entering the kitchen, I took Lexi’s place at the table and poured myself some cereal and juice. Catching Seth’s eye, I winked conspiratorially and kept my head down waiting for my sister to join us. Seeing her dressed in my baggy sweats I nearly choked on my orange juice and watched as she meticulously had become me over night.
The Beginning (The Butterfly Series Book 2) Page 8