I would find a way to reconnect with my sister. She would never feel like I had left her again.
Lexi – the future
I lay watching Caitlan sleep, listening to the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest. Her face twitching and creasing with little smiles every now and then. No doubt dreaming about ballet and Lucas.
I got up to pee and surveyed myself in the mirror. There was no doubt now I looked pregnant and with school starting again in the next month, could I go back? The snide remarks and comments I could deal with. Could my sister? Especially as she would already have enough to deal with pretending to be me.
I splashed water on my face and climbed back into bed again, the dawn light ebbing through the window, and checking the time; it would be morning before I knew it.
The alarm screeching woke us both immediately, my sister leaned her arm over to the nightstand to shut it off as I pulled the covers back over my head. I was not ready to face another day just yet.
Caitlan sweetly made me breakfast in bed as I tried to cycle through the decisions I needed to make.
In order to raise my baby in the way he deserved I needed to go to college. I had already arranged with the city university to take a tour today and my mom had agreed to go with me under the guise of another shopping trip.
I do not know why I could not tell my sister, it just felt like we were further apart than ever and taking a tour of the day care facilities the campus offered and student housing, did not make me feel any better. She would not have to think of any of these things and the cracks that were once minor, were suddenly bordering on a canyon.
‘Ready to go, Mom,’ I asked, peering around into her room, watching her apply make up to perfection. My mom was so beautiful. The thought that my father would ever look at another woman was beyond me and surveying her now, he was an idiot of the biggest proportion.
‘Sure, honey. Are you certain you do not want your sister to come? She may be able to help you make decisions about things,’ turning around, her brow furrowing with concern.
‘No, I’m sure, Mom, just us for now okay?’ I lowered my eyes, as Caitlan would have done, awaiting mother’s approval and we both headed out to the car. I saw my sister smiling reading emails from Lucas no doubt and Seth playing his computer games, oblivious to my perils of how I was going to buy diapers for the next two years. Choking back the tears that were always on the verge of eruption these days I buckled myself in the car.
The campus was stunning, the main building a red brick three story structure surrounded by oak trees and yellow flowers, the sun casting a shadow onto the buildings entrance, just as we stepped inside.
I was touring the psychology department and the day care facilities with my tour guide, Heidi. She was around her early twenties and advised us she was studying for her masters along with her BSc consecutively. That gave me no end of ideas for the future, not aware that was an option.
After touring the library, the hub of the campus, smelling the old books as we passed, the knowledge seeping out of them into your fingertips as you perused the shelf, I was certain this would be my new path. I had originally wanted to be a history teacher, but putting in all the practical hours required would not be fair on my baby, and I opted for my second choice.
The financial office was next, and this was where all my fears came to light. How was I going to pay for school? The advisor was very kind and patient, going through all my options for scholarship and financial aid. The only problem was, due to my father’s income, he would be expected to assist with funding me. That was out of the question and I was given all the information on student loans and finance options from bank loans to credit cards. This was not the best option, but it was the only option for me.
Once I had graduated and obtained a position as a psychologist, I would be able to make inroads into my debt without issue.
The meeting over, we headed to the cafeteria to order lunch. Securing our food, I sat down and waited for my mother to begin, having watched her for the past hour listening to every word the advisor was telling me, I knew she would have something to say.
I picked up my fork tentatively as her fingers encircled mine.
‘I have sat there for the last hour listening to you and that man plan your future, just as your father has always done, excluded me from important decisions, I will not let my daughter do the same. Now this is how it is going to be, you will go to school, I will pay for any expenses you and the baby need until you are in a position to financially support you both comfortably.
This is my money that I have inherited from my great grandmother. She wanted me to use it wisely, and I decided then I would keep it for you both to attend school. Our relationship has not been the best for a long time, and this was my little nest egg for emergencies. This is an emergency and I am not taking no for an answer.’ Her face stern and set as she stared me down, just daring me to question her. Caitlan would not have, but I am Lexi, this is wrong.
‘No, Mom, you can’t. Lexi needs money for school and I highly doubt father put her on his list of priorities for college funds. She needs your money; I can take loans. I have to take care of my baby myself, he is my responsibility,’ I gushed, the bile trying to build and flood at the thought of my father, once again, casting me aside as worthless.
‘I have enough for you both, your sister has already confirmed she wants to major in architecture alongside her ballet career and I do not need your father to do this for you both,’ her venomous look at the mere mention of my father shocked me. I was not meant to know the extent to their problems, yet she was putting it out for all to see. The thought just dawning on me, did she know I was really Lexi? No, she could not possibly. She would have said something.
Maybe she just couldn’t pretend anymore. I could not hide the satisfaction of knowing my mother was finally seeing sense that she was worth far more than my father and smiled in response. My mother took that as an agreement.
‘There is just one more thing; I want to help take care of the baby when you are in classes. The day care is fine, but I want to see him as much as possible, to know him, until the time when that is no longer an option,’ I saw the tears welling in her eyes and reached for her hand.
‘Mom, you have no idea how worried I have been about everything, my life, the baby, how I would be able to support us both. You are the only person I would ever trust to look after him and I would be honoured for you to do that for us.’ I was not convinced about the money and while my mother was using the rest room, I quickly filled out the student loan paperwork, handing it into the finance department before she returned.
The drive home was sombre, me processing the day’s events and marvelling at my mother’s generous gift. My mother was silent, making polite conversation occasionally, but nothing further until we reached the street before our road. She pulled over unexpectedly, her face white, eyes red.
‘There is something I have to tell you, something I should never have kept a secret for so long, and now with the baby, you have to know so you can make your own decisions. Sweetie, I am leaving your father.’ My mouth gaped open, and I stared at her for I do not know how long, willing the words to form in a coherent manner, but nothing would.
‘Caitlan, I know how close you and your father were, but I was hoping now, with everything that has happened, you would consider coming to live with me and your brother.’ The tears were streaming down her face and I reached to pull her into my arms as we both cried together. Her for the waste of space husband she has spent the last twenty years being married to and me for never having a father who loved me.
‘What about, Lexi?’ I sniffed, wiping my eyes with my sleeve, hating that I was lying to her. Maybe now we could tell her the truth?
‘I have to speak with her, but I think she would come with us too. She will be leaving for New York anyway, so it will only be a temporary move for her, but I am not too concerned. She has her future mapped out now and for the longest time I was worried
she would end up like me,’ she sighed and blew her nose. Her mascara running down her once perfectly set face.
‘Why would you think that, Mom?’ I asked, puzzled and intrigued by her presumption of my future.
‘To get away from her father, I feared she would do almost anything. That can lead you into making bad decisions, I know.’ Shocked at her revelations, I pushed further as she looked wearier by the second.
‘I thought you got on well with grandma and grandpa,’ curiosity getting the better of me.
‘I did, but living in the country and not having any life experience, I saw marrying your father as a great adventure. Well, the first couple of years were good. After we had your brother, things changed. He would come home late, hide his phone and take secret calls in his office when I was not around. It does not matter about this now. That is the past. I want us to have a clean slate.
I have spoken with a solicitor to get my affairs in order and she is ready to file divorce papers whenever I am. I just want to speak with your brother and sister before I do anything. It has been a long time coming, but at the same time, difficult for me to admit,’ I watched her swallow away her pain, something I was used to doing and the thought that she was suffering at his hands was tearing me apart. Even more so knowing I was lying to her too. I would speak with Caitlan tonight. Maybe now was the time to tell mom everything?
We cleaned ourselves up as best we could and my mom drove us home, gently squeezing my hand as we walked into the hallway, Seth and Caitlan waiting to greet us.
‘What, no bags? I thought you too would have bought everything in the mall kids section by now,’ smiling the Caitlan, smile and I watched my mother, eye her with curiosity, and then brush it away.
She would never think we could be so deceitful and with everything she was going through, could I really burden her with our truth, just to make myself feel less guilty for deceiving her? No that would not be fair and taking my sister by the hand, I led her to my old room, ready to break the news.
‘Caitlan, there is something I have to tell you,’ She eyed me curiously, sitting down on the edge of the bed, before the colour drained out of her face. ‘Mom is leaving dad, they are getting a divorce,’ I thought she was about to faint, she looked so pale. The words I never thought I would hear from her, stunning me into silence.
‘I know.’
caitlan – the truth be told
I watched as Lexi tried to scurry into my brain and scrutinise every facial expression for answers. I had known for months things were falling apart between my parents, the actuality of it, did not faze me anymore. I do not know if I had never traded places with Lexi whether I would have felt this way.
The resentment that exuded out of my father still stung and the fact he was due to arrive home tomorrow made my skin burn. His eyes, setting me alight with disgust whenever he looked my way. All because I was now my sister.
‘I’m sorry; I should have been there for you. I never thought for one moment you knew,’ Lexi gushed, pulling me into her arms, like a mother hen would scoop her chicks close. Although she may be a mother now, she was still my sister and the sudden realisation that indeed she was treating me like a child left a bitter after taste.
‘It is fine, everything is fine. I just want to go to bed. See you in the morning,’ tugging her door closed I watched her crestfallen face, but I could feel the tears welling, and I did not want her to see me cry, not again.
Waiting until everyone was fast asleep; I descended the stairs and crept into my father’s study. The floor boards giving me away on numerous occasions as I froze riveted to the spot, but no movement followed.
I had a gut feeling there was more to the divorce than Lexi was letting on, and with everything that had happened with Seth, and the blonde woman following me, I had to know.
Powering up the computer, I balked at my father’s screen saver, him and me together. Now, he could not stand to be within the same room as me, blaming me for my sister’s pregnancy, or my pregnancy as far as he was concerned. Entering the password to his user account, I scrolled through his emails. Nothing nocuous, then it occurred to me. He was hardly going to use the email account that my mom also had access to. I opened my email and started to type.
Any ideas how to find out what email accounts a person uses on their profile?
Love me. xx
If anyone would know, Lucas would, the reply pinging back within minutes.
Er, baby, not sure, this is such a good idea, but check the browser history.
Be careful,
Love u! L
Of course, smacking my head with my hand, idiot, party of one, I searched and found nothing. I remembered when dad thought Lexi was using his credit card and set up security surveillance of the office. The camera had long broken, but maybe the files would still be there. Scrolling through, I finally found what I was looking for. The camera was at the perfect angle to see the password and email address used and I opened up the programme, ready to log in when the door opened, making me jump out of my chair and feel more nauseous than I thought was possible.
‘Lexi, I might have guessed it would be you in here. What are you scheming now?’ my father glared at me, the colour rising to my cheeks, not with embarrassment, but with anger.
Quickly hitting the escape button. I had never felt so relieved it had occurred to me to set up another shopping window, in case of interruptions.
‘Actually I was looking at strollers for Caitlan, I wanted to surprise her at her baby shower next week,’ I blustered, partly in annoyance, partly because my heart was pounding. Lying was never my forte.
‘Well, I have work to do, let’s call it a night for now. Leave the item open, and I will take care of it,’ he replied, looking apprehensive, but also angry at the same time. I nodded and quickly got up, almost running to my room and opened my laptop. Signing into his email account, I held my breath as I pondered my father’s arrival. No hi, how have you been? Why I should expect anything less. It was just something I was getting used to. It was not that long ago I would have been hugged and sat down to fill him in on everything he had missed.
How times had changed.
I was cut short from my musing by the emails that were unopened in his acct. Everything else had been deleted, but the new messages received today. Hearing the water heater ignite, he must have decided to take a shower, and I opened the first message, my heart flailing in anticipation.
Call me, L, was all it said, the remaining ones exactly the same. A dead end, but just as I was about to sign out, another filtered through.
I have been thinking of you all day, longing, call me Lx
That was all the proof I needed. Any feelings of love left for my father, were gone as quickly as he no doubt would be deleting all traces of that message. My father was cheating on my mother, and now I had the proof. Forwarding the message to my account and deleting any traces of it, I opened a new message to Lucas.
You were right, but I needed to know. My dad is having an affair and my parents are divorcing. I had better get to sleep, practice tomorrow. I love you Lucas. You are the only thing I have left that is true. Please don’t ever leave.
Love always me xxx
I felt a stabbing in my heart and the veins constricting, I had lied to him from the start and now the thought of him ever finding out and leaving, petrified me. I was a liar, and it was the least I deserve. The nausea building up again, this time succeeding and I banished all the poisons my father’s infidelity had generated away, flopping back onto the bed and closing my eyes. The ping of an email, too much for my mind to awaken from, the depths of sleepiness engulfing me whole, and I did not wake until morning.
‘Wake up, dad is home,’ Lexi gently rubbed my arm, her face taut and her posture revealing just how much that was making her uncomfortable.
‘Yes, I saw him already,’ the bitterness resonating throughout the room, reverberating out into my sister and back again.
‘He wants to hav
e a family meeting in an hour. Any idea was that is about?’ Her brow furrowing with disdain. No I did not, and I was certain, I never wanted to, throwing the duvet over my head and listening to Lexi, pacing around my room.
‘I have to go work out,’ jumping up out of the bed and throwing on my clothes, not wanting to stop to shower or brush my teeth, just wanting to be far away from here.
I danced until my legs felt like jelly and flopping onto the floor, exhausted, but invigorated, I sighed. I could not hide out in here all day as much as the thought was pleasing.
Ready to face the music, I rushed my shower, joined my mother and sister in the kitchen, both as tense as each other and sat down, grabbing a piece of toast as my father appeared. He had recently showered, and I watched as a drop of water ran down from his hair, over his ear as he brushed it away callously.
‘I have some things I want to discuss with you all and I hope you will all listen carefully to everything I have to say,’ directing it to Seth, who was fidgeting in his chair.
‘I have decided to accept a new position and that will mean more overseas travel,’ he replied, regrettably, but that just made my day. I watched as both my sister and mother mirrored the relief, the air suddenly jubilant.
‘I am happy for you, dear,’ my mother smiled at my father, though it never penetrated her eyes and I watched as he brushed his hand over her shoulder and she flinched.
Claiming it was cold in here, she adjusted the heat and sat down next to me, as far away from my father, as the dining room layout would allow. He never seemed to notice, spending the rest of the meeting discussing chore plans and how we could help mom out more while he was gone.
The Beginning (The Butterfly Series Book 2) Page 12