Leaving to attend to a call, I watched both my mom and sister give each other the knowing look and felt sick, now in complete knowledge of what that actually meant; I excused myself and went outside for some air.
Seth joined me shortly after and we played who am I games until neither of us could think of anything else to pretend to be. He was the only one who knew I was Caitlan aside from my sister and it gave me comfort spending time with him and not having to pretend I was Lexi.
‘Sis, are you okay? You look worried?’ Seth was always so perceptive for someone so young and I scooped him close in a bear hug.
‘Just promise me, you will always keep safe,’ rubbing my fingers along the cast of his arm, something occurred to me. ‘Seth, the woman who tried to drag you into the car, did she have anyone with her?’ I asked suspiciously, but not wanting to alarm him, tried to remain straight-faced and ignore how fast my heart was beating.
‘Yes, a guy, he looked like that movie we watched, The Godfather, why?’ he replied, trying to scratch his arm that was driving him crazy in the cast.
‘No reason, let’s go get some ice cream,’ trying desperately to change the subject I scooped him some and left while he played video games. Mom and Lexi had gone to the mall, no doubt to hide from dad, and I ran to my room, pulling out the laptop.
Opening my father’s email, all messages had been deleted and nothing new had arrived. I flopped back onto the bed. The same people who I saw at the bus stop were the ones that had tried to grab Seth. The woman was definitely my father’s type, blonde, just like my mom and so familiar. I still could not place where I had seen her before and fired up the computer, just longing to hear from Lucas.
I had fallen asleep last night and not checked my email since then. There waiting for me were two messages.
Lexi, I need you to stop going into your father’s email account. I checked, and he has a log set up for access to it. Reply back when you get this, I am doing some more checks.
Love you.
I quickly opened the next message. What did he mean? My father could see I was accessing his account? My blood turned to ice.
Lexi, the email account holder that your father is talking to, they are based here in Connecticut. That is all I could find out. Do you know anyone here?
Love L
Hitting reply, I was about to type when the door opened.
‘Can I speak to you a moment please?’ my father standing over me, his face reddened, the vein protruding out of his forehead. He was pissed.
‘I have to study,’ gulping and trying to remain calm, I could feel his eyes gouging into my head.
‘Look, I know me stopping you from leaving for college destroyed your life, in your words, but your sister needs you and as much as I hate the situation she is in, she needs you now.’ I was staring at him, dumbfounded. Lexi was leaving and she had not told me. Lexi was going to college and had not told me. Lexi was leaving me and the only reason she did not was because she got pregnant.
I couldn’t help myself and ran as far away from my father, leaving him mid-sentence. I ran until my heart could not pump fast enough. She had lied about everything, and now, I was done.
Lexi - money
Dinner was painfully quiet, Caitlan complaining of a headache, not coming down at all, and my parents making forced polite conversation. Seth was oblivious, talking about a sleep over he wanted to go to and getting more annoyed by the second that the answer was no.
‘But, Mom, everyone is going from my grade, I will look like the biggest loser ever if I don’t go. Please,’ his whining voice was starting to grate on my nerves, and I felt instantly guilty.
‘Honey, please, you know with everything that has happened, it is not possible right now. I can’t bear to see you out of my sight. Please understand,’ my mother spoke so desperately, I glared at Seth, hoping he would retreat, but the same conversation went on endlessly, until my dad intervened and ended Seth’s pleas abruptly.
‘I will get you the new game you have been wanting tomorrow instead. Time to get washed up ready for bed,’ and Seth bounded off happy. Trust my father to use money as the resolution, but that was a sobering thought. What money would I have to be able to end quarrels with, let alone, pay bills with. I sighed deeply and my father peered at me questioningly.
‘So what is up with your sister, Caitlan?’ The way he said her name, made me freeze from the inside out, particularly with the depth of his eyes, like lasers penetrating my mind. I was unable to answer, my voice not reaching an octave high enough for anyone other than a dog to hear, when my mother replied for me.
‘Time of the month, dear,’ the perfect go to answer for all female ailments when dealing with men like my father, and like a charm, he squirmed in his seat and excused himself to the study.
‘Men and periods,’ my mother balked, rolling her eyes and looking relaxed for the first time since my father had stepped through the door.
I loved seeing her this way and longed for the time when it would be an everyday occurrence once we were out of his house and into our own.
After finishing clearing up, I left my mother reading and ran a bubble bath, gathering up the newspaper and starting a job search. I was reaching the point in my pregnancy where it would be nearly impossible for anyone to employ me, so needed to make as much money as soon as possible. I updated my resume and submitted it for a couple of supermarket cashier positions, when I heard muffled voices outside.
The wind had picked up and was carrying the conversation my father was having in the garden up into my open window.
‘I told you, I’m certain. They have made the biggest mistake of their lives. She is getting nothing, no, I need to talk to you. I have a plan. Fine. Bye,’ he hung up the phone and as he turned around to go back into the house, I saw his eyes, so cold, colder than the deepest darkest depths of the ocean. His smile, plastered across his face, was filled with contempt and loathing. What was he planning?
I needed to warn my mother, and waited patiently until I heard footsteps upstairs, my father, entering his bedroom, and opened my door to go search for my mother. She was in the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher and I watched her turn in surprise smiling.
‘Hey, sweetie, couldn’t sleep? I will make you some warm milk,’ my mother patted my arm as she opened the fridge door, and I hated to give her anything else to worry about, so I sat with her, drinking my milk and discussing favours for my baby shower. I would find out what my father was up to, no need to cause her more concern.
Agreeing on a selection for my party, I left her to finish ordering everything, ready to go to sleep. I was exhausted. Pregnancy was hard, I could not believe my mom had gone through this carrying twins. My ankles were ballooning up and my back felt like I was being stretched in two. I paused at my sister’s door and knocked quietly, opening the door.
‘Hi, I was wondering if you would mind painting my toe nails for me,’ I asked, my voice shaking with the expression she had on her face. Unsure what had happened, I blathered on. ‘You know, the bump and all, makes it hard to reach my feet, I,’ before I could finish, she interrupted me.
‘Fine,’ she reached into her drawer, my drawer, to pull out the vast array of polish options. I settled on a sparkly pink and watched as my sister painted each toe with ease. She was an artist at heart; her drawings were amazing.
‘Have you decided on a major for college yet?’ I asked, feeling really uneasy and not sure why.
‘Architecture,’ she replied, almost by rote. What was wrong with her?
‘Is everything okay? Did something happen with Lucas?’ Going through every possibility. Was she still angry with mom and dad?
‘Everything is fine, as always,’ she smiled, but it was more for effect than sincerity and I was ushered out, as quickly as my five-minute dry time ended.
‘I’m tired, see you in the morning,’ pulling the covers over herself and turning away to the wall, I nodded to her back and closed her door quietly behind me.<
br />
Hearing my father snoring I decided to go to the study and see if there was anything I could find that would explain the conversation I had overheard on the phone.
Grabbing Seth’s torch off the shelf, I crept into the study, deliberately avoiding the squeaky floorboards and started opening the file cabinets first.
Firing up the computer, I waited for it to load its applications. Each second feeling like a snake was in my sights and about to devour me whole if I did not hurry.
I checked his credit card statements first, for any unusual transactions, nothing. Same with the bank account. I was about to give up when I saw he had a voice mail on his phone. Remembering the trick, I learnt to make a message unread afterwards; I hit play and waited.
You know I will do whatever you want, meet me same place same time. I love you. The female voice rang out seductively.
I quickly typed the code to make the message appear new again and placed the phone back on the desk. Opening the study door, I felt the nausea creep up, tightening my throat, making it impossible to breathe. Steadying myself leaning against the doorframe, as you would do in an earthquake. I waited for my breathing to normalise, heading back up into my room as fast as possible.
Knowing your father was having an affair was one thing, hearing her voice another, and the tears flowed down my face.
I just wanted to go crawl into bed with Caitlan, but knowing how hostile her reaction was before, I pushed it out of my head, pulling my blanket over and switching my iPod on to drown out my thoughts. Falling asleep to the sound of Caleb Followill and the rain lashing against the windowpane.
The next morning, the alarm ringing felt like a thousand bees swarming inside my head. I shut it off and rolled over, covering my head with the pillow. A knock at the door, announced it time to wake up abruptly.
‘Sweetie, you have a call,’ my mom handed off the phone to me, smiling sweetly as she sashayed out of the room to go make breakfast. Tomorrow was the first day of school and I wondered if it was one of my friends calling, forgetting for a moment that I was Caitlan now.
‘Miss Thomas, this is Mrs Gregory from the Corner Store, regarding your resume,’ the female voice, middle aged, confirmed with an air of authority and confidence.
‘Oh, hi, thanks for getting back to me so quickly,’ blubbering my words out, trying to sound older than I actually was, but failing miserably.
‘I’m sorry, dear, we can only employ eighteen years and over, but thank you for your application,’ she hung up the phone before I had chance to reply. Any resemblance of a good mood just poured out of me, like a fountain of regret and disillusionment.
My mother shouting up the stairs that breakfast was ready, the only thing that made me stir. My stomach growling in anticipation, no doubt the baby was hungry too, turning cartwheels in my belly. I opened the door and stopped as Caitlan was returning from her practice. She looked straight through me and all the anger and stress I was suppressing erupted, the molten lava blocking us both in.
‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ I shouted, thankfully my voice was drowned out with the blender. My mom was making smoothies again.
‘Seriously, what is the point of me telling you when all you do is lie to my face over and over again? Go get your breakfast, there is nothing I want to say to you,’ she huffed, her face glowing under the light ebbing through the window shutter. She was so beautiful, a shining beacon of hope and I once again was crushing her.
‘I’m sorry, I don’t know what it is I have done this time. Please, just talk to me, I can’t stand this,’ I pleaded, though it fell on deaf ears as she closed the door behind her and I stood rooted to the spot as I heard her turn on the shower.
Whatever it was I had done this time, it was bad. Retracing every thought and event, I did not see his door open.
‘Lexi, your mother is calling you for breakfast,’ the voice barely audible to me, my head so fuzzy, I reacted without realising, turning to approach the stairs when what he had said registered.
‘You mean, Caitlan, Dad,’ I turned, catching his eyes, as a smirk etched across his face.
‘My mistake, Caitlan,’ he replied, but the smug look on his face, as though he had discovered hidden treasure in the Egyptian pyramids, was off putting and I felt a sense of foreboding, but shrugged it off as nervous energy from my argument with my sister.
There is no way my father knew, he would never had played along if he had known I had swapped places with my sister. I would have been out the door on my ass quicker than my mother tossed the pancake and handed me my plate.
‘I have news,’ my mother beamed, pouring Seth his juice. Caitlan had still not joined us at the table. ‘Your brother is coming to visit, he has exciting news for us,’ I felt nauseous and the sudden urge to gag was overwhelming. Would my brother know we had lied? Seth was the only one who could tell us apart accurately, but on occasion my brother could too and that thought had me wringing my hands with displeasure.
‘Something wrong, Caitlan?’ emphasising each letter of the name, I glared at the man before me. He knew something, for sure.
‘Of course not, Father,’ I retorted, copying his diction, and shrugged noncommittally as Caitlan would do.
‘It has been so long since we saw your brother, I wonder if it is wedding bells I am hearing,’ my mother questioned, ignoring the vibes coming from my father as he tittered into his eggs, focusing only on mom and Seth as Caitlan walked in.
‘Ah, the prodigal daughter returns,’ dad embellished, grinning wickedly at Caitlan as I fidgeted in my seat. She was completely oblivious, or so it seemed, gathering her breakfast to go and heading out to her class without speaking a word to me or even looking in my direction.
Dad was silent the rest of the meal, and I started to relax a little. Maybe the pregnancy hormones were just making me crazy; resting my hand on my stomach protectively. I now more than ever needed to get as far away from him as possible. Scheming and plotting my escape as he flicked through the newspaper, I would be leaving sooner rather than later, we all would.
caitlan - confessions
I was plunged into darkness, unable to determine whether it was morning or night, each hour passing by without any recognition for it. Just waiting until it would start over again.
‘Dear, Caitlan, it is time.’ I shot up out of bed, tears streaming down my face. I had been having the same nightmare since Seth was taken and it was starting to affect me badly.
I was constantly tired, having fallen asleep before dinner and my stomach groaned at the mere mention of food
Pulling on my dressing gown, I descended the stairs and found my family animatedly discussing my brother’s return. This was bad; this was very bad. As much as Seth and I were close is exactly how Lexi was with Andy, our oldest brother.
Would I be able to convince him I was her? My head groaned at more lies, unable to process anymore and catching Lexi’s eye, I wanted it to end. She smiled at me cautiously, gauging my reaction carefully. I had not spoken to her all day and seeing her now, a huge baby bump, looking so nervous, I felt the guilt of the world resting on my shoulders.
Pulling up my chair, I saw my father watching me; I could not help responding, as that is what Lexi would have done.
‘Something wrong, Dad?’ I made sure to say his name with as much hatred as I could muster, not that it was difficult any longer. I really did hate him now.
‘Nothing at all,’ he smirked, his eyes dancing with a secret only he was in on and turning to catch Lexi’s eyes, she looked paler than when she would wake up with all day morning sickness.
Trying to remain calm, I grabbed a plate that my mother had left out for me and began to eat my dinner, each morsel needing extra water to wash it down; my mouth was so dry.
‘Lexi, would you mind going with Caitlan to her birthing class tomorrow, I have to pick up your brother from the airport and I don’t want her to be alone,’ my mother’s eyes wandered over to my sister tentatively. This pregnancy h
ad certainly brought them closer, or was it the many secrets they shared, who knows, but I had never felt so disconnected with my family. The pull of Lucas was so strong, I would happily have packed my bags right here and now, boarding a plane and never returning.
‘I will drive you both to the class,’ my father chirped in, still wearing the same sardonic ridiculous grin. I felt like my cheeks were on fire, excusing myself to obtain more water, the footsteps behind me, scaring me half to death.
‘Sorry, I really need to talk to you,’ Lexi tugged my arm, leading me with her into the garden outside. The wind just picking up sending the remaining blossoms off the tree soaring into the air, cascading their delicious scent all around me.
I imagined myself dancing in tune to their musical notes through the air, my mind wanting to be anywhere else was so reluctant to focus; Lexi had to almost shout to get my attention.
‘We have a huge problem, with Andy coming, we need to ramp up to the next level, otherwise he will see right through this,’ waving her arms as though conducting an orchestra, I could not help but smile.
‘Seriously, please do tell me what is funny, I would love to know,’ her incredulous expression brought me back to the present and I could not escape any longer, I was stuck in this, like cement shoes in a quarry. There was no way out.
‘Nothing, I just want this to be over, the lies, I don’t know how long I can keep this up for. Dad is already suspicious, without Andy adding his two cents,’ I sighed, this was too much.
‘You got that vibe too? I thought I was just being paranoid,’ she brushed her hair away from her face and in that moment we both aged two years. Lies and deception take its toll on anyone, but this secret was too much for us, we were flailing and we both knew it. The strained look in Lexi’s eyes, I knew she was plotting and scheming a way out of this as much as I was.
The Beginning (The Butterfly Series Book 2) Page 13