‘Okay, this is the plan. I have a little money saved and with the baby shower gifts, I won’t need to get much else for the baby to start off with. If things start falling down, I will go to grandmas and you should go to Lucas. I have the money for both our air tickets. I’m sure mom will follow with Seth, I think she is just waiting until all the legal stuff is ready and then she is leaving dad too.’
The way she just decided everything made me impressed and angry at the same time. She was always telling me what to do and it had never really occurred to me before now just how much I relied on her to make my decisions for me. This had to change.
‘I don’t need your money,’ I rebuffed, a little too harshly, and she recoiled back. ‘I have been applying for job positions and I have an interview lined up for a waitressing gig. I will buy my ticket with the first pay cheque,’ marvelling at the way the lies were just rolling off my tongue, it was bitter sweet this new honed skill I had acquired, and she fell for it.
Excusing herself to go to bed, I grabbed the paper off the dining table and started immediately hunting for jobs. Circling each perspective position with a black marker, the rings of lies, that hopefully were about to become the truth. I picked up the phone and dialled.
Arranging an interview for the next morning, I cranked up the laptop and filled Lucas in on the day’s events.
Wow, sounds like you had quite the day. I will keep everything crossed for the interview tomorrow. Love you; have to go, working on a paper tonight. Xx
Grabbing my pyjamas, I took a quick shower, rubbing the coconut moisturiser over my feet, still recovering from the last practice session. Madam sure had put me through my paces, claiming I needed to work harder than Caitlan did to catch up.
It was working though, my pointe had never been so precise and with the entrance audition coming up faster than I could fathom; this was it. Closing the laptop, the nagging feeling that Lucas seemed a little distant was stopping me from falling asleep so I decided to go make a hot drink, passing my mom on the stairway.
‘Goodnight, sweetie, don’t worry about tomorrow, everything is going to be fine,’ kissing my cheek and hugging me tightly, knowing I needed that extra time, I fell into her arms and longed to be back as her daughter, Caitlan.
Leaving her to go to bed, I started making a hot chocolate and picked up the pamphlet Lexi had left on the table for the birthing class tomorrow. Surrounded by pregnant women did not phase me. Surrounded by pregnant women when my teenage sister was pregnant was what bothered me. The hushed voices, sideways stares whenever we were out at the mall. School would be starting next week and I would have to be the spokesperson for my sister, fielding every question as to how quiet reserved Caitlan had got herself knocked up.
The thought was sobering, and I turned to go back to bed, bumping into my father who was standing much closer than felt comfortable.
‘Sorry,’ I tried to brush past him, but him grabbing my arm and pulling me back quickly put a halt to any escape plan.
‘No hug for your dad good night? Only reserved for your mother these days?’ That was it, he knew, he had to. Lexi never hugged him and I gulped, ready to give the performance of my life.
‘Well, you only normally reserve hugs for Caitlan, so I will give it a miss, thanks,’ looking him straight in the eyes and pouring all the hatred I felt for him into the most venomous stare I could muster. It worked, and he seemed to recoil. Maybe he was not sure after all and was just pushing his luck trying to catch us out. Hoping that put a stop to his doubting for a little, at least until Andy had left; I flopped down onto my bed and was just about to turn off the light when the door creaked open.
‘It is just me, I know you’re mad at me, but can I sleep with you tonight please? I keep having these horrible nightmares,’ Lexi approached the bed cautiously, wringing her hands together, and I pulled the covers back without even thinking, scooting up for her ample frame to fit on the bed.
‘It is getting a little snug now with JC growing so big,’ I smiled, whispering for some reason, not wanting to wake him. I gently rubbed her stomach, and he immediately kicked back in response.
I could not wait to see him and hold him; I would always take care of him, no matter what. Turning to Lexi, I swallowed, not wanting to ask, but having to.
‘Lexi, what happens in your dreams?’ tensing for her response, gripping the covers in my hands, until my knuckles turned white.
‘You are shouting to me, to wake up, but I can’t and you keep saying, they are coming. I open my eyes and I’m being dragged away from you. I try to reach for your hands, but I am plunged into darkness and the last thing I hear is you screaming my name,’ I wiped the tear off her cheek that was falling slowly down, snuggling into her side, not wanting to be an inch away from her. She was my other half, I was not me without her and falling asleep, I vowed I would do everything I could to protect them both. No matter what happened and as the rain beat against the window, I fell asleep, practising each dance step in my mind, with Lucas at my side.
The alarm ringing sent a jolting pain in my neck from lying in an uncomfortable position too long. Lexi stretched and reached to turn it off, looking much more like herself; clearly she had a good night’s sleep and so did I, no dreams.
‘Are you okay with coming to the class with me today?’ she asked quietly, her eyes avoiding contact as she pulled at her pyjamas thread, barely able to contain her growing belly any longer.
‘Of course, it will be great to be there for you in the delivery room and know ways I can help you. The pamphlet sounded really cool,’ I smiled sincerely, and her eyes lit up.
‘You read the pamphlet?’ she eyed me quizzically, but yet filled with delight. She must feel so alone with this and I needed to be a better support structure for her as long as I was here. What happened in the past with her leaving for college seemed so far away now, the anger subsiding in me as I watched her try to squeeze into her shoes, her belly getting in the way.
‘Here, let me,’ reaching to fasten her laces, a thought occurred to me. ‘If dad does know, why is he not saying anything? Surely mom sleeping in the spare room shows that all is not well with their relationship. She has never done that before. What if he is planning something and we are so caught up in lying we are missing out on what is actually going on?’ My throat constricted at the thought. Everything had been focused on mine and Lexi’s deception, but what if that was his game all along, to distract us with innuendo?
‘Mom said she has got everything covered. Maybe he does know, but there is nothing he can do about it. She said once this final piece of paperwork she needs is finalised, we are leaving and I cannot wait. But, if anything goes down before then, we need to stick to our plan. Okay?’ I nodded in reply, but the thought would not leave me and as I watched my father eating his breakfast, reading the paper as though he had just won the lottery, I knew we had bigger things to worry about.
We needed to be prepared, and the job interview was more important than ever.
lexi – birthing class
Gathering up my bag to go I could not believe I was attending a birthing class, let alone that that the baby actually would be coming out in three months’ time. The thought just did not compute, how was a baby going to come out of a hole that small? Cringing at the thought, I zipped up my bag, stuffing the graphic birthing book that terrified me inside and joined Caitlan in the car.
My mom was driving us as our dad had been called into work and would then be picking up our brother at the airport. I was so excited to see him, but at the same time terrified. Would he fall for it so easily, Caitlan getting pregnant, Lexi suddenly having a conscience? As much as my sister did pull off a great version of me, my parents were too self-involved with their own problems to really notice the subtle, but obvious differences.
‘Okay, girls, I will pick you up later, love you both,’ kissing us on the cheek, my mom was glowing with the anticipation of seeing Andy and so was I.
‘You ready for
this?’ Caitlan smiled, if she only knew how much that smile melted your heart, and had you eating out of the palm of her hand, but of course she did not and that just made it even more spectacular.
‘Ready as I will ever be,’ grinning as we linked arms, walking into the birthing suite to face the music.
I froze as couples were readying themselves on the padded mat, husbands taking their wives shoes off and plumping their pillows. Caitlan urging me forward to sit down distracted my heart from plummeting and I stoically pulled it together. This was my choice, I could have told him I was pregnant, I chose not to. This was the consequence.
‘Okay, ladies, gents, let’s begin with a quick introduction. Due date and sex of the baby if known?’ The lecturer got all our attention and one by one, the women gushed with their response. Next was my turn and my hands were so sweaty I was leaving marks on the padded mat.
Everyone had turned to face me, some smiling politely, others quietly muttering, I could not move a muscle, let alone find my voice.
‘This is Caitlan and she is six months pregnant,’ my saviour sister spoke so confidently, I had to turn to check it was really her. She never ceased to amaze me and never let me down. I wish I could have said the same in return.
‘Wonderful, let’s start with some practice birthing positions and then we will break for coffee,’ the lecturer announced, her authority intimidating as I shuffled trying to copy each move and Caitlan just as inexperienced as I was, tried her best to coach me.
We looked quite a pair and after falling in a heap with hysterics at one suggested position, I was starting to relax.
We broke for coffee shortly after, both of us opting for fruity water, Caitlan smiling reassuringly as I headed to the bathroom to pee. The baby had been lying on my bladder for most of the morning and with those extra sips of water, I felt ready to burst. I had just sat down on the toilet when two of the class members walked into the outer bathroom.
‘Bless her; did you see how young she is? Must be so scary for her. I’m terrified and I’m twenty seven. What is she sixteen at most?’ the women gossiped and I wanted the ground to open up and devour me.
‘I wonder if she knows who the father is?’ the second woman muttered, and I felt the blood rushing to my face. Flushing the toilet, I opened the door just a little too harshly, the noise reverberating out into the enclosed space and the two women jumped in shock.
‘Oh, well, we had better be getting back to class,’ the first woman scurrying off at top speed, unable to look me in the eye. Her friend quickly following and despite the fact I had not said a word, I felt immense satisfaction watching them squirm every time I caught their eye the rest of the class.
After two long hours, my head spinning with everything I needed to know, from pain relief to pooping in labour. I was ready to leave, taking the first opportunity to sneak out, dragging Caitlan swiftly behind me.
‘Well, that was not so bad,’ Caitlan giggled, clutching the many pamphlets I had to read through to prepare myself, but I don’t think anything was going to prepare me for pushing out a baby.
‘Yes, maybe,’ I sighed, not having filled Caitlan in on the bathroom conversation I overheard. What was the point; she would already be faced with a myriad of questions at school next week. My mother pulling up, waving madly stopped any more thoughts creeping in, her joyous smile, melting me whole. Caitlan’s smile.
‘Your brother is getting married,’ she shouted across the parking lot, looking happier than I had seen her in months. She filled us in on the details all the way home, my stomach in knots with anticipation at seeing him.
We pulled up onto the drive just as my brother opened the front door; I stood rooted to the spot with Caitlan at my side, looking ready to bolt at any second.
‘No hug?’ Andy looked firstly at me then at Caitlan, I leaned in as she did too, a group hug and we both pulled back, ready to face the interrogation of our lives.
After talking for hours about, the situation, my brother’s words, for the pregnancy, I was exhausted. He had been staring right through me all night, piercing my subconscious with each inane question from how I met the guy to what my future plans were. Rubbing it in constantly that he was getting married, and that was the least I should be doing right now. To speculating along with my father how the likelihood of Caitlan getting pregnant at sixteen rather than Lexi was the greatest betting odds.
Discussing how they would have spent their winnings, laughing sardonically together. I felt like crying, screaming and throwing things numerous times, namely at my father who was deriving great pleasure in this encounter to my brother, who I had once placed up on a pedestal. Not as high as Caitlan, but getting up there.
She had left hours ago, with the excuse of having to get to bed for her practice in the morning and my brother had congratulated her on her dedication and transformation, particularly dealing with my pregnancy so well.
My mom was catching my eyes with soothing condolences throughout the night and finally I saw my exit to leave, pouncing on it as though it was the only food for miles and I was voraciously hungry.
‘Mom, I need to show you some baby shower things,’ giving her the, please save me look, my face pleading.
‘Yes, I completely forgot we need to finalise the booking tonight. Let’s go to the study. Talk later Andy,’ my mom acknowledged my father weakly with a curt nod and kissed my brother affectionately on the cheek before joining me in the study, closing the door behind us, sealing us from the outside hostility.
‘Ah, my head hurts,’ I complained, rubbing my temples, trying to smooth the creases of angst that had been stewing for the past two hours, the longest hours of my life. I doubted even labour could have been this torturous, thought that notion was more out of desperation than scientific proof.
It could not be as bad as this, wringing my hands together and trying to focus.
‘You did a great job, honey. Now let’s get you to bed. Everything for the shower is ready to go and then we have your birthday party to think about before the big day,’ rubbing my belly affectionately, JC, kicked in response. ‘Such a blessing, I cannot wait to hold my first grandchild,’ she smiled proudly and for the first time in hours, I felt like I had not committed the crime of the century, though it was not something I would recommend at this age either.
My mom walked me upstairs and tucked me in as she used to do when I was a child. She was about to leave when I grabbed her hand.
‘Mom, we are definitely leaving dad aren’t we?’ It was something that I had been musing over and not wanting to admit. Would she have the courage to actually go through with it? I had watched enough shows on TV and a few of my friend’s parents had gotten divorced so I knew it did not usually take this long.
The look I received brought all my nightmares to the front, she looked weak with her resolve and I knew that I would need to support her.
‘Sweetie, I wish I could stand here and say to you we are leaving tomorrow. I feel like I am setting such a bad example to you, showing how weak I am. There is a huge part of me that wants to walk away and never turn back. But,’ she sighed and looked down to the ground, almost as though she was ashamed. ‘There is a small part of me that remembers my vows and as I know grandmother would say, they are not to be walked away from easily.’ I could tell she was wrestling with her conscience and tried desperately to think of something smart or earth shattering like Caitlan would, but nothing came. I just squeezed her hand that little bit harder.
‘I just want you to know how much we all love you and I will respect your choice. If you stay, then I will too,’ feeling desperately like I wanted to make her happy, but it just seemed to have the opposite effect.
‘No, if I stay it will be for my own reasons, things you don’t know and reasons I can’t explain. None of this is to do with you and you have to promise me, you will leave. I will support you as we agreed, but I want you to take the baby after his first birthday and never look back. I hope with all my heart
to join you with Seth, but for now, I can’t leave him, darling,’ fighting back tears I pulled her into my arms, feeling my neck moisten from the copious tears she was shedding.
Tears of regret no doubt and disappointment. But there was something I had learned as I developed through this pregnancy, something I may not have understood before. You make decisions based on your children’s needs as a parent, not your own. Trusting that maternal bond, she must have been doing this for the right reasons, it was clearly not of her choosing, and rather what she thought was best for us.
‘I promise, Mom, I will do everything you said. I love you, always.’ Hugging her until she had composed herself. Wiping her eyes with a tissue from my nightstand, I marvelled at the beauty of my mother, so graceful, so poised and once again, no doubt not for the last time, I despised my father.
Tossing and turning for hours, I remembered I had left my baby shower prep file in the study, wanting something constructive to do, I decided to go and retrieve it. Opening my bedroom door gingerly, I checked for any signs of life. Complete silence, except for the filtration of numerous snores from the males in my family percolating along the hollow hall.
I descended the stairs and entered my father’s study. Grabbing my file I was about to leave when something caught my eye. There were files on my father’s desk, files that looked just like his normal military paperwork. Ones I knew I was not supposed to look at and until this day, I had never violated that. But everything was different now and knowing how my mother’s plans for our escape had suddenly abruptly stopped, my curiosity levels were piqued.
Turning on the desk light, I stood motionless contemplating whether I should take a peek, my curiosity having got the better of me, I fingered the top file, its brown leather rippling under my finger.
Taking a breath, I opened it up. Inside were profiles of army officers, three in total, though it seemed they were dissolved. I knew that meant they had been kicked out, or as my father would say, dishonourably discharged.
The Beginning (The Butterfly Series Book 2) Page 14