‘How are you feeling, Caitlan, do you need anything?’ my sister asked, her brow furrowing as she could no doubt feel the twinges of pain I was feeling from the incision whenever I moved or breathed. Something I felt in reverse, but only very slightly when she was ill.
‘I’m good, sis, thanks,’ I replied, just wanting to forget everything around me and fall asleep curled up with my baby boy.
‘Okay, ladies, gentlemen,’ the nurse addressed my family, and I forced myself away from JC’s face to pay somewhat attention. ‘Visiting time is over and I know you have all had a difficult couple of days. I suggest you go home and rest and leave Caitlan and JC to bond,’ she advised, though it was more an order than a request.
‘Will you be okay, sweetie,’ my mom replied, clutching onto my hand that was now free of the IV, finally.
‘I will be fine, Mom. I will call you if I have any questions,’ I explained, wanting them to stay a little, but mostly wanting to sleep.
‘Okay, I will be here first thing in the morning,’ she advised, more formal than normal. Maybe for the nurse’s benefit than mine.
‘Hey, are you sure you don’t want me to stay?’ Caitlan inquired, and for the first time that I could remember, I did not feel like I was scared to be alone.
‘No. You look really tired and I want to try to sleep in-between feeds too. Make sure to tell Lucas how beautiful his nephew is,’ I ordered, smiling as the light in her eyes glowed at the mere mention of his name.
‘I will do. I have charged your phone and computer. If you need anything, just call or email. I love you. I’m so proud of you, he is unbelievably gorgeous,’ Caitlan announced, kissing me then JC on the forehead and looking forlorn though obviously exhausted they all left.
I had just resettled JC, fed him and changed his diaper when the doctor returned.
‘I just wanted to have a little chat before you get some much needed rest,’ he explained, looking a little nervous and my attention levels increased dramatically.
‘Sure, what is it?’ I asked, not wanting to know at the same time.
‘You have had quite a few days, Caitlan, and as happy we all are about how well you are doing now, we cannot ignore how dangerous the situation we were in was,’ he confirmed, in an authoritative tone, his brow furrowing.
‘Am I okay now though?’ I questioned, panic suddenly slicing through me, JC needed me.
‘Yes, you will be fine, but I strongly advise that having another pregnancy soon, or at any time in the future will pose many possible complications for you,’ I interjected before he could finish, almost with a laugh.
‘Don’t worry, there will be no more babies any time soon, for sure,’ I proclaimed. As much as I love JC, one was enough for now.
‘Yes, I understand, but say some years down the road, you perhaps marry and circumstances change. A pregnancy can pose great risks. Not only the recurrence of pre-eclampsia, but also the extensive bleeding you suffered during the C-section. Your womb is very weak and I would advise extreme caution for both you and your future children. Carrying to term, would not be a safe viable option for you,’ he reiterated and as much as I valued and understood his reasoning’s, the thought of that far in the future just did not compute, maybe he sensed it, I do not know, but after checking my vitals and scribbling some notes, he too left for the evening.
I had slept for a couple of hours, in-between waking to feed JC and have something to eat. Hospital food was certainly something of an acquired taste and I yearned for my mom’s cooking in a few days’ time, once I was cleared to leave.
The conversation I had with the doctor earlier was starting to come into focus a little more, especially with taking care of JC. If things changed in the future and I found the perfect partner, it seemed implausible to think I would not want more children.
Not giving too much credence to his warnings, who knew by then what my body would be like, time could heal it and maybe things would be different. Starting to feel a little more positive, I checked the time and decided to message my sister.
Hi, just wanted to let you know we are both missing you. JC says hi. I attached a picture of him, having almost two hundred pictures in my phone already and he was not even one day old yet. I was definitely going to be one of those moms who had endless numbers of albums capturing every little move or grimace he made. Embarrassing him later on when he would start to date pulling out all the albums, smiling at the thought.
JC, started to awaken and after changing him and feeding again, I felt a twinge of jealously as the father’s would be visiting their new families in the next rooms in a couple of hours and JC’s would not.
Had I made the right decision in not telling his father about him? Looking into his eyes as he tried to focus, gripping my finger tightly, I felt so guilty for depriving him of this moment.
Would he have wanted it though? The thought alone of him pushing JC away as though he was nothing, just as my father had done for all these years left me shaking my head and burying the guilt underneath a ton of rubble in the back of my head.
Falling asleep to the pitter-patter of the rain outside and the rhythm of JC’s heartbeat, ours, as he carried mine alongside his, one, together forever.
The nurse coming to check on us both was the morning wake up call, as my wound was re-dressed and my medication given.
JC was doing great and after his weighing session which he did not appreciate one little bit being put into what looked like the grocery scales at the local supermarket naked, he screamed for the first time since he had been born.
My heart was in pieces seeing him so distressed and although I knew deep down it was not hurting him, I was so relieved when he was back in my arms snug and safe.
I kept watching the clock ready for visiting hours to begin, the desire to see my sister as strong as ever. Turning as the door opened, her radiating smile filled the room completely.
‘Wow, what did you do?’ She was holding a bouquet of balloons, one for JC, with Disney characters on and the second various shades of pink with congrats and mom on. My eyes started to fill as my mother brought a bouquet of sunflowers in, my favourites wrapped together with a daisy shaped ribbon. The tears were streaming as Seth arrived with a pizza, ham and pineapple, my favourite ice cream and a box of chocolates.
‘We thought you would need a few home comforts,’ Caitlan advised sitting next to me on the bed and placing a stuffed toy hippo next to JC. ‘How is my beautiful boy today?’ she asked, kissing me and then JC on the cheek.
‘He has been an angel all night,’ I cooed, handing him to the open arms of my sister, the only person I would truly trust, aside from my mother to take care of him as my mom helped me to use the bathroom. It was exhausting and once I was back in the bed again, I sighed despondently.
I had envisaged being back to myself after the birth and now, I would have a six-week recovery. Looking at JC, I felt instantly guilty; he was worth all the pain and more.
Deciding I was not going to tell my sister and mother about the conversation the doctor had with me last night, we talked about all things JC; even Seth dragged himself away from his video game to say hi to his new nephew.
‘Your father called last night,’ my mother advised, sullenly, her hands once again wringing at the mere mention of his name. ‘He sends his congratulations and best wishes,’ she explained, the fake smile she had attempted to fix on her face, not moulding to make it look genuine.
Wanting to not dwell on him, I attempted to change the subject successfully back to the only thing that could, JC.
‘Everything is ready at home for when you both return,’ Caitlan explained and when she had gone to the bathroom my mom told me how she would not go to bed until everything was ready for when we came home. Hugging my sister tightly when she returned, I stared at my new family and my old one, mingling together, bound by beautiful cascading ribbons, like the balloons that were floating around my room. We would always be there for each other, no matter what.
Mom and Seth went to grab some more essentials for me, toiletry products, and some diapers for JC, leaving Caitlan alone with us and I watched as she held JC in her arms. She would make a wonderful mother one day. Hopefully in different circumstances with her husband fussing over her and cherishing his new family forever.
‘You okay?’ Caitlan asked, watching my expression curiously.
‘Yes, just tired, you know. These last few days have been kind of world changing,’ I grinned impishly and she laughed her harmonious melodic sound as we chatted about anything and everything, just so glad she was here.
Visiting hours were over quicker than ever and once again I waved goodbye to my family as I curled up with JC. My eyes closing in time with his, I snuggled him close to me and fell asleep.
Drifting into dreams for the first time in days, I gasped at the sight of my baby, no longer little anymore, around eight years old playing in the grounds of a mansion house. Running to catch him was the man I had seen at Caitlan’s audition and he looked just as handsome as ever. From around the corner came Caitlan and my heart soared seeing them playing together. He started to squeal in response to being captured and scooped up into her arms.
‘Mom, I want pizza for dinner,’ he commanded, so innocently and the smile dropped from my face as quickly as quarters into a wishing well. Why was he calling her mom?
I tried to shout out his name, but he did not turn, moving towards him I hit a brick wall of plastic. Screaming now and banging my hands on the plastic prison to no avail. I watched as the tears flowed down my face as JC, Caitlan and the man who was clearly her partner walked hand in hand back into the mansion house, collapsing onto the floor with only my wails of anguish to keep me company.
‘I told you, I would take it all,’ the voice echoed throughout the room, laughing hysterically before I was plunged into darkness.
Waking up, I orientated myself with the room, seeing JC next to me in his crib, sleeping peacefully; I scooped him into my arms, my heart pounding with desperation. He was mine and no one would take him away, no one.
Caitlan – the new girl
Driving home from the hospital I was mentally noting what I had left to do to finish getting everything ready for Lexi and JC coming home before I started the training for my new job. I was so deep in thought I did not hear my mother until she screamed.
‘Mom, what is it?’ I yelled, the panic flooding my body as my heart fought to keep up with the surge of it coursing through my veins.
‘A dog, I don’t know. I think I hit it,’ she began, her face ghostly pale and her hands trembling as she fumbled to undo her seatbelt. We all exited the car at the same time, Seth clinging onto my arm as we stumbled into the night looking for whatever my mother had seen at the side of the road.
‘I didn’t feel an impact, Mom, just felt like you had gone over a pot hole. Are you sure you hit something?’ trying desperately to remain calm, but being out alone in the pitch black dark with all the terrifying dreams I had each night lately was not doing anything to lower my escalating panic levels.
‘I don’t know, I was watching the car behind, it had kept far too close all the way home and I was distracted. Maybe I imagined it,’ she whispered, clenching her fists tightly at her sides. We all checked the area twice for any signs.
‘I can’t see anything, Mom,’ Seth began, squeezing my arm so tightly my hand was starting to go numb. I reached to reassure him and taking one last look around urged my mother to return to the car. She reluctantly agreed, only after I said we could call the ranger in the area and ask them to keep watch for any injured animals and we drove away in silence.
Seth had fallen asleep, and I was watching my mother closely, something else was bothering her, she had never looked so uncertain before.
‘Mom, please, is everything okay?’ I asked, uncertain whether I wanted to know the answer, but she needed me to be strong so I pushed further. ‘I can help, we all can, please,’ I pleaded, my voice fuelled with raw emotion.
‘I think I made a terrible mistake,’ she uttered, barely loud enough for me to hear.
‘What, Mom? I will do whatever you need, but you need to tell me,’ I urged, the silence growing to epidemic levels, threatening to consume us all.
‘Staying with your father. When I told him your sister was in labour, there was nothing there. Just cold calculated replies. I can’t do this anymore; just pretend everything is going to be okay. I have to get you all away from him. Lexi, I fear we are in danger, I don’t know from what or who, but I need to protect you all,’ the look on her face, etched with terror, but more than that. The responsibility of the decisions she was making for herself and all of us, weighing on her and she looked ill.
‘Mom, both Caitlan and I have told you; we will come and support you and Seth, no matter what. Now, JC is here too, we need to keep everyone safe and together. If that means leaving dad, then we need to,’ I forged forward, on the verge of ranting uncontrollably, but trying to remain clear headed. How had this happened to our once perfect family? But maybe that was the mistake, we were never perfect and as much as my mother tried to keep up the charade, my father and her relationship had not been healthy for as long as I could remember.
‘Thank you, sweetheart. When you have your own children, you will understand how difficult it is knowing that your decisions impact them. You only want what is best for them, but when that means turning everything they know around, it can be daunting,’ she began, pausing as we pulled onto the drive. ‘I will do everything in my power for us all to be happy and safe, no matter what,’ she urged, kissing my cheek, climbing out of the car to carry Seth inside.
I sat back in my seat for a moment, just weighing up everything that had happened in the last three days and what my future role would be. Right now, I needed to earn money, to help support us all. My mother said she had a nest egg, but I needed to contribute too for Lexi and also for school.
Getting a bottle of water out of the fridge, I checked my uniform was ready for tomorrow and trudged to bed, suddenly feeling ten years older.
I awoke the next morning, physically and mentally exhausted. Dreams had once again plagued my sleep, but this time it was my mother and Seth being ripped away from me. The thought alone was petrifying, and I lay motionless until the sound of my mother calling from the hallway urged me to get out of bed.
‘Good morning, sweetheart. I have made you pancakes and fruit. Do you need me to drive you to the restaurant after school?’ I stopped motionless. With everything that had happened, I had completely forgotten school was back today. The restaurant having brought my training forward, thankfully, was fine with me arriving in the afternoon, but I was not fine with going back to school.
‘Mom, can I miss school today, I need to finish things for JC’s room and with work later,’ my voice dwindling away with the expression on my mother’s face. There was no way I was skipping school. ‘I’m sorry, sweetie, school it is for you both,’ she announced, prodding Seth to stop playing with his cereal and hurry along. Both of us not eager to return to class today.
Reluctantly I got dressed choosing a dress and tights, something only Lexi would have worn to school, applying makeup and putting my hair up into a messy bun, I descended the stairs ready to go with Seth at the door, looking as glum as I felt.
‘Come on, Seth, race you to the bus stop,’ I began, the light in his eyes returning briefly as he took advantage of the head start and I kissed my mom goodbye.
‘Take care, darling,’ she whispered as I kissed her goodbye, nodding and closed the door with a long sigh.
Seth had almost reached the bus stop before I caught up to him, my legs eager for the exercise having been at the hospital for the last few days, not having access to work out or dance.
‘Cat, are we going to be okay?’ He asked, his eyes pleading with me and after the shock of hearing my name, something he had not spoken in ages I reached to pull him into my arms.
‘Always, Seth, I pr
omise,’ squeezing as hard as I could. We waited for the bus, making jokes and telling stories, just like we used to.
The day went just as agonisingly slow as I thought it would. Fielding question after question about Caitlan’s pregnancy, my head was swimming with lies by the time the final bell of the day rang. Gathering my back pack up, I fled as quickly as I could, catching a different bus to the restaurant.
My mom had text to say that she had Seth and was taking him home; something we always did now after the incident. Lexi had also sent a video message of her and JC, making me smile for the first time since this morning.
There was no message from Lucas and my heart started failing as the bus pulled over to my stop.
There was no time to think about anything else as I pushed open the door of the magnificent building and joined the small group of new starters for our induction.
After health and safety and company regulations, we were each issued with our name tag and were set up with more experienced staff to learn about table layout and server procedure. After serving at Madam’s parties, I knew which tableware was for what course, but had no idea about the procedures for where to stand when serving food, which side to approach from and how to lay the plate down just so. My head was once again pounding with all the inane tasks I now had to remember and I was counting down to the time I could just dance away all these pent up emotions that were threatening to swallow me whole.
Finally, it was time to leave and after signing my time card, I was out the door, barely waving to the other team members, just wanting to be home as quickly as possible.
The bus was crowded with rush hour commuters and I tried to hold on to the rail without standing on toes, a feat I barely managed.
Uttering apologies for most of the trip, I vowed to remember to ask if mom could pick me up tomorrow night.
I heaved a sigh of relief as I fought my way to the door to exit at my stop; frightened I would miss it and have to spend another hour trying to get home.
The Beginning (The Butterfly Series Book 2) Page 17