Played

by Tasha Fawkes

  "Here, you take him," Kelli said suddenly, extending Ethan toward me. I gave her questioning glance. "I've got a crick in my shoulder. Hurry!"

  I reached for Ethan, who was fussing again, balancing him while reaching for the bottle. Soon, he settled and drank his milk calmly.

  I felt my dad's eyes on me the whole time. Even more incredibly, his hand clapped down on my shoulder and when I turned from Ethan to look at him, he said, "You're a natural, son."

  I kept my expression under control, resisting the urge to widen my eyes and let my mouth drop open. It had been years since he called me son. Could the simple reappearance of Kelli and, of course, a grandson, have changed him so completely and so quickly? I didn't know and I wasn't about to start questioning this too deeply. All I knew was that things seemed to have turned around for me. Family was everything I’d ever wanted.

  I never thought I would stop struggling to achieve my dad's respect. It was nearly impossible to avoid his criticisms — I should've done this, I should've become that. It never ended. His criticism during my youth had turned me to computers. I didn't have to interact with computers. I soon discovered I had a knack for programming, which led me to eventually start the company that was now in danger of being taken over by another.

  I pushed thoughts of my company to the back of my mind. Right now, Kelli was back in my life and even more incredibly, I had a son. I was glad that I had taken Sarah's advice and given Kelli a second chance. Sure, we still had some kinks to work out, and we had yet to discuss what had broken us up, but I felt we were on the right track. As far as I could tell, motherhood had changed Kelli for the better.

  She was still new with it, but so was I. Together, I have no doubt we would make it. Kelli would eventually become more comfortable in her role of taking care of Ethan. Maybe with Sarah's calming influence, Kelli would become surer of herself. Of course, I'd help out as much as I could, but I also knew that I would be spending a lot of time in the coming days at the office.

  The thing that amazed me most was Dad. I was seeing a side of him I hadn't seen since I was little, before Mom died. After that, he rarely smiled. His struggles with PTSD, or shell shock as they called it back then, had taken control of him. His drinking had gotten out of control, turning him into a mean, vicious drunk. He only struck me a couple of times during those years. Not that I was excusing it. The abuse was mostly verbal and emotional at the time, but I had a mouth on me as a teenager. We butted heads nearly every day. By the time I turned eighteen, I couldn't wait to get out of the house. Now, over a decade later, I was able to view my dad as a human, not just "my dad."

  In a way, now I understood my dad more than ever. Nothing could excuse his treatment of me or his behavior in those intervening years, but as an adult, I could say I understood it at least a little better.

  Maybe it wasn't too late to develop a new relationship with him. Kind of like an "after- Ethan" relationship. It might be too late to ever have what I would consider an ideal relationship, and I was okay with that.

  But Ethan? Sure as hell, I knew it wouldn’t be the same way for him. I was going to be the best father to him that I could, no matter what I had to do.

  Nine

  Sarah

  I long ago lost count of the times I paced through the house.

  From my bedroom, I'd go into the family room, turn in a circle, gazing at the cozy, lived-in look of the room, then out onto the lanai to gaze into the crystal blue water of the pool, the low buzzing of the filter and the chirp of birds balanced on the telephone lines above distracting me. Then I'd return indoors and make my way past the dinette and kitchen nook and back into the living room, once again pausing to stare out at the patio and the pool.

  A couple of times I did wander into the hallway that led to Joel's bedroom. I eyed the heavy oak furniture, the neatly made wrought-iron king-sized bed, then stepped in the bedroom and turned to the master bath with a sunken bathtub. A man's space that had slowly been taken over by Kelli.

  Of the two basins, it was obvious which side she used. A hairdryer, still plugged in, lay on the counter. A rack of makeup—lots of makeup—spilling over. Two toothbrushes in the toothbrush holder sat between the basins. I resisted the urge to open a drawer or slide back the glass to view the medicine cabinet behind it.

  I wasn't that nosy… but I was curious. Joel wasn't a slob. He picked up after himself. There was nothing of his laying out on his side of the bathroom counter. His towels were neatly folded over the towel rods. No razor, no hair products, no globs of toothpaste left in the basin. Toilet seat down.

  I couldn't help but be impressed as I walked back out and returned to the main living area. The door to his office was closed. I didn't dare even try to turn the knob. Nosy or not, that was his space and I wasn't about to invade it just to assuage my curiosity. The huge, wood dining room table was my last stop as I gazed out the window toward the front of the house and the driveway, hoping that any second now, I would see Joel's Mercedes pull in. With my son.

  It didn't, and once again I circled the house. Anxious. Joel, Kelli, and Joel's dad, Dan, had all taken off for an afternoon at the park, taking my little Ethan with them. I shook my head, telling myself that this was what I got for being greedy, for being willing to do just about anything for a buck. No, it was more than that. I’d needed financial security for my son. I needed money to put a roof over our heads, to go back to school part-time, to make life better for the two of us. This was a chance to do just that.

  But as the days passed, I grew increasingly uncomfortable. Guilty — for fooling Joel this way. Kelli had managed to get Joel to allow her to move back in. Now what? Was she vying for a proposal? Would she wait until they were married before she told him the truth? The longer she – we – waited, the worse it could go for both of us. Didn't she understand that?

  While I wasn't particularly comfortable with Kelli holding my son, I didn't feel that way about Joel. Still, I couldn't wait for him to return. I wasn't terribly surprised that I felt so nervous and anxious. It was the first time Joel had taken him anywhere without me. Would it get better over time? Would I ever get used to the idea of my son in someone else's arms? How long would this "pretend family" plan of Kelli's go on? I couldn't stop second-guessing myself.

  I made another round of the house, thought about going for a swim in the pool and then decided against it. This wasn't my home. Even though Joel had told me I could use the pool, or watch television, or come and go as I pleased as long as Ethan was taken care of, I was nothing more than a nanny. I felt uncomfortable taking advantage.

  Restless, my arms yearned to wrap around Ethan and run. Run away from this plan that I had agreed to. Run away from this environment, which though luxurious, felt uncomfortable, because I was nothing more than a pretender. An imposter. A fraud. What made it so much worse was that I had no one to talk to about it. If my dad had been alive, I never would have even considered such a thing. If I had a best friend to talk to, I knew she would've talked me out of such a foolish plan. But I was on my own. I was alone and desperate, and so here I was.

  Not for the first time as I roamed through Joel's beautiful home, I considered what would happen when the truth came out. How would it end? How would he feel when he learned that Ethan was not his son? What would that do to his relationship with Kelli? I paused, thinking about that for the first time. It wouldn't end well. Didn't she realize that? I hadn't given it a thought until now. I supposed she hadn't either. I didn't see any way around it.

  Hot tears brimmed in my eyes. Joel truly believed that Ethan was his son. He’d accepted it without much question. Had he been so desperate to have Kelli back in his life that he was willing to accept a baby on his doorstep without question? Who did that? Was he truly a nice, decent and kind man, or was he hiding behind a facade, just like I was? No matter how badly he had treated Kelli, no matter how much of a jerk he was, was this punishment justified? And punishment it would be, I had no doubt.

  Even
more importantly, how the hell could I keep up this ruse when I couldn't even handle being away from Ethan for just a few hours? What if—

  A car door slammed.

  Heart pounding, I turned toward the door, hoping that Joel and Kelli had returned with my son. I couldn't be without him another moment. My heart lurched when I heard a baby cry. It pierced my heart. My mother's heart. I stepped toward the foyer just as the front door opened and Kelli walked in holding my son, too tightly it seemed. He squirmed and fussed while Joel brought up the rear, carrying the stroller and the baby bag.

  I took one look at Kelli and knew what her expression was trying to tell me. Take the baby!

  I stepped forward and reached my arms out to him, trying not to appear too anxious or too relieved. "Here, Kelli, why don't you let me take him? I'll go see if he needs a change."

  Without answering, Kelli transferred Ethan into my arms and I quickly turned, holding him close, cradling him ever so gently in my arms as I headed for the nursery. Ethan settled down immediately. I smiled down at him as I placed him on the changing table, nuzzling his nose as I unsnapped his onesie and checked his diaper. Surprisingly, it was dry.

  "Oh, I'm so glad you're home, Ethan," I cooed, kissing his forehead, each plump cheek, and then the tip of his nose. He gurgled happily, his hands waving at my cheeks and then grabbing my hair. I laughed softly, my love for him overwhelming.

  "You work miracles on that kid, you know that?"

  I turned, startled to silence. Joel stood in the doorway, setting the baby bag just inside the door.

  "I changed him once while we were out," he said, reaching into the baby bag and retrieving a plastic grocery bag with a diaper wrapped inside it. "Just number one, not number two," he amended.

  I smiled. "Did he drink any milk?"

  "Nearly a whole bottle," he said, retrieving said item from the bag.

  "How was he?" Dammit, the question was out of my mouth before I could stop it. I wished I hadn't asked. Was it any of my business how Ethan behaved in the company of others?

  Joel glanced at me as if the question startled him.

  Crap! I tried to cover. "I know sometimes he gets cranky in the afternoon… what I meant to say was, did he nap?"

  "Most of the time," Joel replied.

  From the foyer came the sound of the sliding glass door opening to the lanai.

  Joel glanced over his shoulder and then spoke softly. "I want to thank you again for your advice," he said quietly. "Things seem to be working out okay. And my dad… he seemed to really enjoy Ethan." With that, he smiled, turned, and disappeared. A minute later I heard him calling to Kelli out by the pool.

  My heart sinking, I turned to glance back down at Ethan, picking him up and cradling him on my shoulder. I closed my eyes and relished the feel of his breath on my neck. Should I go outside and join the others or should we just stay here in the nursery? I opted for the nursery. At this moment, all I wanted to do was hang on to Ethan, try desperately to ignore the guilt, the fear that every day spent in this house pretending that Ethan was Joel's, following Kelli's instructions, was leading us to a disaster of emergency proportions.

  I should get out of here, right now, but to do so would only cause trouble. Unless Kelli fessed up, which I doubted she would, I would likely be arrested. Not to mention that I didn't have a car to go anywhere in.

  I sighed and shook my head as I gazed down at Ethan and sat in a rocking chair, rocking slowly. "What have I done?" I asked him. His gaze latched onto my face as he made a soft cooing noise and gurgled a reply.

  Unfortunately, there would be no answers to my myriad of questions until this was over. When that would be and how it would occur, I didn't know.

  But one thing I did know, every day, even after Kelli's arrival, I found myself feeling more connected to Joel. Maybe it was the way he took to Ethan or maybe it was his demeanor. Whatever it was, I could no longer deny the attraction. An attraction that must never develop into anything. For Ethan's sake and mine.

  It was only a short time later, with me half dozing in the rocking chair with Ethan that footsteps came close and I sensed more than knew that Kelli was approaching the nursery along the carpeted hallway. I opened my eyes and glanced toward the doorway as she appeared.

  She stepped inside, closed the door, and leaned against it. "Next time we go anywhere with the baby, I want to make sure that you come with us," she whispered.

  I didn't get the impression that she was whispering to prevent Ethan from waking up, but to prevent Joel from hearing. "Why? Was Ethan any trouble?"

  "He fussed a couple of times, but I gave him to Joel. His dad held him too."

  I asked the question that had been on my mind since they had been gone. "Kelli, how are we going to end this?" I shook my head, glancing between my sleeping baby and the woman standing with her back to the door. "How in heaven's name are we going to get away with this? I can't stay here forever. What if Joel decides that you and he can take care of Ethan by yourselves?"

  "That's not going to happen, not for quite some time," she said. "My god, the baby's only three months old. We'll need a nanny—"

  "For how long, Kelli?" I asked, my voice strained. "I just about went crazy today, waiting for you guys to get back with my baby!"

  "Shhh!” she interrupted. "He's not your baby," she hissed. "At least not while you're under this roof. Remember, we made a deal."

  "I understand that, Kelli," I said, bristling. "What I don't know is how, eventually, Ethan and I are going to disappear from your lives. I know you wanted to get Joel back, but what if—"

  "A little longer," she again interrupted. Her expression changed and she frowned, her lips turning downward, like she'd just smelled something rotten.

  The switch was startling and prompted me to instinctively hold Ethan closer, protectively. "Are things not going well?"

  "Well enough," she admitted, carefully schooling her expression. "I can't come on too strong or he'll get suspicious. After all, he's the one who cheated on me. I have to be careful, act like I'm working hard to forgive him. I have to take this slow if I'm going to win him back completely and convince him that I'm the only one who can make him happy, please him, both in bed and out."

  As far as I was concerned, that was too much information. The thought of Joel and Kelli in bed together disturbed me on a level that I couldn't understand and didn't want to. I swallowed, then glanced up at her. "I understand, Kelli, but honestly, I don't know—"

  Again she interrupted, her expression serious. "You and I made a deal. You will not break it. It won't last much longer, I promise, but for now, you have to keep playing the part, all right?"

  I couldn't determine whether her tone of voice was meant to be encouraging or threatening. My disquiet grew. I had no idea what she meant by "a little longer" and at the moment, I didn't dare ask. She seemed to be in a mood. Maybe things weren't going as well as she had expected. Maybe it was taking longer than she expected to make Joel realize that she was the one for him. Frighteningly, every day that I stayed here, Joel would grow closer to my son. The most frightening part was that I felt myself growing closer to Joel.

  It’d only been a few days since Kelli moved in but I’d already noticed that her presence seemed to sway the balance of energy in the house. The atmosphere was more tense, like the two of them walked around on eggshells with each other. I supposed that was natural to a degree. I hadn't heard any raised voices or arguing, and I hoped for Ethan's sake, things would remain civilized. I knew she was trying to win him back, and she seemed to be making good strides in that direction.

  "Kelli," I said softly, "I know you've got a plan, and it seems as if Ethan has been beneficial for your plans, but I'm confused. How are you–we—going to explain his eventual disappearance from Joel’s life? I can't stay here forever!"

  Kelli stared at me for several moments, almost to the point where I felt uncomfortable. Finally, she replied, "Sarah, I'm paying you well. Very well. It seems to me as
if it would be in your best interest to want to continue this plan as long as possible, at least for the benefit of your bank account. Just think. Your own place, not having to worry about where you're going to find the money to pay for groceries or a babysitter. Think about how much money you can save to go back to school like you told me you wanted to. This is your future we're talking about, remember?"

  I did remember. I finally nodded. "All right, but just remember that sooner or later, we're also going to have to figure out how I'm going to extricate myself from your lives."

  She offered a smile but it didn't quite reach her eyes. Turning, her hand on the doorknob, she glanced back and spoke softly over her shoulder. "You let me worry about that."

  She closed the door softly behind her and once again I began to rock, Ethan settled comfortably against my breasts. I looked down at him, telling myself, convincing myself that everything would work out all right. I was doing this for him. For me. For our future.

  Ten

  Joel

  It was early, the sun glowing warmly into my bedroom against the floor-to-ceiling glass looking out over the pool. I glanced next to me at Kelli, still fast asleep on the far side of the bed, her back to me, her hair splayed over the pillow. It had grown cool last night and the comforter was pulled up to her shoulders. I thought about brushing it back, tracing my hand along her curves, then decided against it. Kelli had never been a morning person. Unlike me. I liked getting up with the worms, so to speak, and starting my day relatively early, which gave me more time later in the day to do things I wanted.

  I threw the covers back and eased out of bed, wearing only a pair of dark blue boxers. The house was quiet. I ran my fingers through my hair and down my stubbled cheeks, trying to organize my thoughts around what I needed to get done today. I headed for the foyer then through the living room, glancing at the pool water shimmering as the sun rose incrementally higher. I headed into the dining area of the kitchen, smiling with a sense of pride in my home. My shelter. My sanctuary.