Loving Her In The Shadow- Sovereignty

by D J Parker

  What Carter didn’t know was that I explored every possible way of asking this stranger for my shoes back. I was so ashamed. Even more shameful was how aroused I became just thinking about him. While showering earlier, I finger fucked myself. But that self-induced orgasm was mediocre compared to the heights he took my body to last night. Even after all these hours later, I could feel each kiss he placed on my nether lips.

  Carter narrowed her eyes. “So I get that he took your shoes. What happened to your dress?”

  “If you’re referring to the dress he tore down the middle, it was gone when I woke up, along with my thong.” I ran my hand down my face. “God is definitely punishing me.”

  “Please, girl, God is probably hi-fiving Mary Magdalene,” Carter said between sips of her Old Fashioned. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming up here? You know I would’ve put you up at my spot or you could’ve used Kim’s apartment. She’s on another assignment.”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “It was last minute. I didn’t know I was going to New York until I got in my car this morning and began driving. Before I knew, I was out here. I could’ve went to my parents, called you, or gone to Kim’s. But I…”

  “But what?”

  “I needed space.”

  Carter cocked her head to the side. “From us?”

  “From everyone.”

  She stared at my face long and hard before asking, “What did Keith do this time?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “You never want to talk about it until you blow up.”

  “What is it that you want to know?” I took another sip of my old fashioned. “Do you want me to tell you that Keith cheated on me again? ‘Cause you know he did.”

  “I want you to tell me why you continue to put up with this man’s shit?”

  “I’m thirty-three years old, a black woman, and now the district attorney. I want children. Do you think another man at my age is going to want to build a life with me without me sacrificing my career?” I held back my tears. “I’ve been with Keith for over ten years. He has supported me throughout everything, even supported our move back to New York.”

  “Keith’s not special. That’s what a husband is supposed to do, support his wife. You know what else a husband is supposed to do? Be faithful to his wife.”

  She was right. Moments ago, I’d cried about my baby who I’d felt growing inside me but did not get to hold. And now, I was defending my marriage and reasons for staying married to a man who clearly didn’t want to be married anymore. Truth be told, I knew I should’ve walked away two years ago. But I chose to stay and weather the storm. And though the sun never shined through the storm, I had been hopeful.

  All that hope went south when I caught him in his office fucking another woman yesterday morning.

  “Keith is not going to change,” I admitted out loud for the first time. The truth made me feel insecure. Failure always made me feel insecure. There were very few things in my life that I’d failed at and for the things I failed at before, I always circled back around and outdid myself. If there’s anything that the past two years taught it’s that I failed to protect my baby. There was no circling back, no life to fight and recover. I was failing as a wife and there was no way I could bring back the man I fell in love with. Those two pieces of my heart were long gone and unfortunately, there were no pieces durable enough to withstand that pain.

  “Yet, you still want to remain married to a man who will never fully be a good husband to you,” Carter said as if trying to make sense of my decision.

  I blew out an exhausted breath. “Some women are lucky with love and marriage. There are very few women who have the total package—an amazing career, a happy marriage, and children. Most of the time, something always falls short. I think at this point in my life, I’d be okay with having an amazing career and children.”

  “Do you still love him?”

  “I love who he used to be.”

  “Is that enough?”

  “It’s got to be.”

  We continued eating our meal in silence. I could’ve cursed myself out for being so vulnerable, but the truth was, I never did well with internalizing my feelings. Anytime I did, it manifested into something worse. My best friends were my diary and often my mirror. They forced me to confront what I refused to see. But there was no lying to a mirror and what good was a diary if you couldn’t tell it the truth.

  Nicolai

  Brooklyn House of Detention. I never thought I’d be back here again. But here I was, staring at the entrance. Last time I made a similar visit this late in the night, I was visiting Vincenzo. He’d been caught selling drugs to an undercover cop at some strip club on Staten Island. I’d been his only phone call. And like most of his problems throughout his life, I made it go away. I didn’t tell our father. I made sure to get rid of any trace of his arrest. I paid off the arraignment judge and made sure the arresting officer got a promotion. Everything was handled. I vowed never to come back to this jailhouse or any facility remotely close to it. I vowed none of my family members would ever see the walls of a place like this.

  Yet, here I was.

  “Why are we here?” Gabriel came to stand by my side.

  I shoved my hands into my pockets and cut my head to the side at him. “You’re a lawyer, aren’t you?”

  “Yeah, a real estate attorney.”

  “Makes no difference. The law is the law.”

  “See if that comment holds in court.” Gabriel tucked a cigarette between his lips and raised his lighter to the end. He drew in smoke and exhaled. “Unless you’re trying to buy the building, this is beyond my scope of practice.”

  “You’re here at my request.”

  “I told you, I want nothing to do with the business.”

  “I honored that. This is different.”

  Gabriel looked up and down the quiet block. “How is this different? I usually meet clients during working hours.”

  “This won’t take long.” I left the curb and headed straight to the entrance of the detention complex. I could feel Gabriel trailing behind me despite his apprehension.

  We entered the jail house where a correctional officer by the name of Jimmy stood at the metal detectors. “No need to empty your pockets. Just walk straight through.”

  Of course, the metal detector went off when I went through. It was hard for me to separate from my Glock. Gabriel walked through soundlessly. I could feel his eyes on me, watching as another correctional officer named Pete led us down the dismal hallway. We stopped at a green door with the word “visitor” painted in red at the end of the hallway.

  Pete opened the door and turned to us. “He’s in here. Next shift comes on in twenty minutes. Knock when you’re done with him.”

  “Are the cameras off?” I asked.

  “Yes, but only until the next shift.”

  I opened the door, revealing who we came to visit at this time of the night. I entered the room. Gabriel stood in the doorway.

  “I knew you’d come.” The voice with the heavy Bensonhurst accent came from Tommy Neglia. “And Gabe, it’s good to see you again. How’s life treating you these days?”

  Gabriel entered the room and stood beside me. He turned to me, switching from English to my mother’s native Sicilian tongue. “I know you paid for my law degree, even put up cash for me to open up my own firm, but I’m not going to risk it all for someone who isn’t family. Someone who isn’t you. I’ve managed to keep my nose clean. Why are you bringing me into this shit?”

  “’Cause this is a family matter.”

  I walked further into the room and pulled out the metal chair across from Tommy. Gabriel soon joined us.

  Gabriel ran a hand down his face. “I can’t believe I’m really about to risk it all for this piece of shit.”

  Though he’d been in here for the past three days, Tommy looked like he was having a rough time adjusting. I unbuttoned my trench coat and dug inside my pocket. I pulled out a p
ack of Newports, a blue BIC lighter, and slid them across the table.

  Tommy’s face lit up. Like Vincenzo, Tommy was a heavy smoker. Where Vincenzo smoked two packs of Camels a day, Tommy could always be seen tamping a pack of Newport against the palm of his hand. Though he’d been in here for a few hours, he reeked of the tarry nicotine.

  Tommy wasted no time. He tore the baggie open and opened the fresh pack. At the rate he was going, I was surprised he didn’t stuff two cigarettes in his mouth instead of the one hanging at the tip of his lips. He lit the end of the cigarette and took a long drag. He held the smoke in his mouth for a moment before exhaling the tarry smog into our faces. I stared at him long and hard, fighting every muscle inside of me from reaching across the table and breaking his jaw. I used an oldie but goody trick that I taught myself in my early years of training. I held my breath and counted back silently from ten. I could feel my nerves simmering down to a level I was most comfortable,at least until I got all my answers out of this piece of shit.

  “God, I never thought I’d miss this more than my bed,” Tommy finally said. “Don’t tell your sister I said that. She’d never let it down. Hey…ah…thank you for…ah…you know moving me off Hell’s Island.”

  “I needed you close to home,” I said, leaning back. “Besides, Rikers is out of my way.”

  A smile crept up the corner of his lips as he exhaled more fumes. “You always look out for family.”

  “You’re not family,” I said, leaning forward. “You’re just the man who knocked my sister up. But she’s not the reason why I’m here.”

  “Well that’s too bad, ain’t it?” Tommy leaned forward, bringing with him a smirk that I was itching to rip off his face. “In three months, we will be officially a family.”

  “I don’t have all night,” Gabriel interjected as he pulled out a small notepad and pen from the inside pocket of his trench coat.

  “Tell him everything. Don’t leave anything out,” I warned.

  Gabriel cleared his throat. “Start from the top.”

  “There’s not much to tell,” Tommy said as tapped the ashes into the mug.

  Gabriel looked at me from the corner of his eyes before dragging them back to Tommy. “You could start by telling me about the drugs they confiscated from the apartment. The police report stated that there was heroin, opiates, and cocaine. Enough to be considered trafficking.”

  “What can I say?” he asked nonchalantly as he crushed the end of the cigarette butt against the steel table and tossed it into the mug. He pulled out another cigarette and lit it. “I work hard, and I party harder.”

  “You’re telling me shit I already know,” I interrupted. “It’s no secret that you’re a junkie.”

  “Don’t call me no fucking junkie. I can control my shit.”

  I leaned forward, folding my fingers over the steel table. My nerves were flaring again, but I managed to calm them down. “A few hours in bookings and a jailhouse don’t make you tough, junkie. You’re still that wannabe gangster with all the mommy and daddy issues, looking for attention. I’m a patient man for women, children, and the weak. So, I’m going to remain patient with you even if I have to remind you to watch who the fuck you’re talking to.”

  Tommy looked away, avoiding my eyes as he sucked on his second cigarette like it was a pacifier. “They’re not mine. I swear on my unborn kid, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

  “Then who the fuck do they belong to?” When he remained silent, I continued. “I see you want to play it the hard way. Out of respect for Gabriel’s time, I’ll tell you what we know. You had enough drugs in the apartment to open a pharmacy. They got you on tape, talking about drugs. It’s just a matter of time before they turn those two dipshits that were arrested with you, against you. So, I’ll say this one time, and one time only. When Gabriel asks you a question, you answer honestly. Now start from the fucking top.”

  Tommy shifted in his seat. He lowered his gaze down to the mug. The tension was thick between us and though I tried to keep my cool, I was slowly losing my patience. As much as I appreciated how far we’d come with legitimizing our businesses and using less violent tactics, it was moments like this that I had no problem making an exception.

  Though Gabriel knew about my family business, he’d only heard secondhand accounts. He was my mother’s younger sister’s son. Though Vincenzo and Gabriel were the same age, they were different in many ways. While Vincenzo had been enthralled with this life, Gabriel was running away from it. Growing up, Vincenzo and Gabriel had been close. But when Vincenzo chose this life as opposed to going straight and narrow, Gabriel had decided to go to college and law school immediately after. I’d been more than determined to make sure he continued down the right path.

  “From the beginning,” Gabriel said, as he shrugged his jacket off and folded it against the back of the chair. “Who do you work for?”

  Tommy smashed the end of his second cigarette into the steel table and tossed the butt into the mug. He withdrew another cigarette, lit it up. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’ll take the rap.”

  A menacing chuckle filled the room and for a moment, I didn’t realize it came from me. While the sane part of me was on a leash, the dark side—the part Salvatore birthed all those years ago—came out. There was no wrapping a leash around it. Most times, I couldn’t find it. My world was dark, but I knew how to navigate and who I allowed inside. But I could never figure out where that deprecated piece of me lay.

  “Il animale,” Salvatore would call it. The beast that was inside all of us. Some of us could spend a lifetime without the beast and human dancing on the same lifeline. Some chose to embrace the human. Salvatore made me embrace both. Over the years, I learned what he didn’t teach me. Balance. I had to satisfy both sides of me in order to be balanced.

  It chuckled again, il animale. There was no pacifying or reasoning with it. And even though the sane part of me tried to drag it back, it was too far out of reach. Only answers would calm il animale.

  And answers were what I planned on getting out of Tommy.

  I turned to Gabriel and spoke to him in our mother tongue. “You can go.”

  “He’s my client.”

  “No, he’s not. You’re down here because I didn’t trust any lawyer to hear what he had to say.”

  “This is a family matter,” Gabriel said in English, but switched back to Sicilian. “I hate this motherfucker just as much as you do, but if I don’t represent him knowing all of the facts that I know, there’s no telling what he’ll tell the next lawyer in hopes of making a deal. Everyone wants to catch the big fish. Him and Vincenzo spent a lot of time together. There’s no telling how much he knows or if he knows that the big fish is you.”

  He was right. But my decision was final. “I’ll handle the rest. Leave.”

  Gabriel cut his eyes to the side and stared at me for a moment before sliding his chair back to stand. He glanced over at Tommy before snatching his coat from the back of the chair and heading to the door. Before pounding on the metal door, he looked over his shoulder and said, “Never go against the family.”

  Gabriel banged on the door twice, alerting the correctional officer that he was ready to leave. Pete peeked his head in and asked, “Are you all done in here?”

  “No,” I answered with my eyes trained on Tommy. “We’re just getting started. No matter what you hear, no one is to come into this room.” I tore my eyes away from Tommy’s to look at Jimmy. “You got it?”

  “Yeah, I got it.” Jimmy glanced at Tommy before stepping to the side for Gabriel to leave.

  Tommy’s eyes widened when he realized it would be just me and him. “Guard, I’m ready to go!”

  “The only way you’re leaving this room is when you tell me the truth.” I slid my black hoodie over my head and folded it over the chair beside me. I tucked my gold necklace that had a pendant in the shape of chili pepper under my white t-shirt.

  Tommy squirmed in his chair like a mouse tr
ying to free itself from a sticky trap. He’d always been a sheep posing as a wolf. No matter how many times I warned Vincenzo, he always looked at Tommy as a brother. At times, he looked at Tommy as more of a brother than me. Perhaps, he was right.

  It was hard to recognize who I’d become after Salvatore started training me. For the first few years, there was a wedge between Vincenzo and me. I was a stranger to a boy who looked at me as his hero. And as Vincenzo got older, he was no longer my little brother but a stranger.

  Tommy finally looked up after a few minutes of silence passed between us. “You can’t kill me. Your sister will never forgive you.”

  “I could do many things besides killing you. I could paralyze you, make it so that you’re only able to only use your eyes to communicate.”

  “You wouldn’t—”

  “I’ve done worse to men less than you,” I said, rising from my chair.

  “I’ll tell you everything,” Tommy admitted, his voice filled with panic.

  I sat back down. “Where did you get the drugs from?”

  “Capone.”

  “Who the hell is Capone?”

  “Capone is known in the drug world as the consignment king.”

  The name didn’t ring a bell. Even though I didn’t deal with drugs, I familiarized myself with major players throughout the five boroughs. “Where’s he from?”

  “I don’t know where she’s from. Hell, I doubt anyone does.”

  “Capone’s a woman?”

  “She sure sounded like a woman when we spoke on the phone.”

  “And you have no idea what she looks like?”

  “Nope. Not even a picture. She just goes by the name Capone and supplies anything we ask for.”

  I rubbed my jaw, trying to make sense of what he’d just said. “How do you know she didn’t set you up?”

  “Why would she?” Tommy shook his head. “She found me.”

  “How?”

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “She must’ve seen me with Vincenzo.”

  Though I thought of Vincenzo often, there was something about hearing his name out loud that struck a nerve. No one, not even my mother, spoke of Vincenzo’s name. “When did Capone make contact with you?”