This Love

by Anna Bloom

  “You’re just going to stay here? You’re going to stay in the dead village all because you met and fell in love with a boy.” Her words are filled with scorn.

  “What else should I do, Mum?”

  “Do what the other girls do, leave and hope for the best.”

  “Other girls don’t have a boyfriend who’s been paralysed for months after nearly dying in a car crash.” My voice rises. Surely this is logical?

  “And what would have been your excuse if the accident hadn’t happened?”

  ‘What do you mean?” I’m stalling. I know what she means. It’s only been Freddy for me since I met him. I fell hard and deep and there is no way out.

  “Amber!” She jumps from her chair and grabs my wrists tight in her grasp, I try and back away but she holds firm.

  ‘I don’t want this for you. First love doesn’t last, no matter how much you want it to.” Her tone is pleading but something in it makes me realise what this is.

  I don’t say anything. I wait for her to elaborate.

  “You think it’s going to feel like that forever, but then one day you wake up and realise you’re sleeping next to a stranger, someone the older you wouldn’t choose.”

  “Was dad your first love, Mum?”

  She turns her face from me, “Yes, and I wish to God he wasn’t. I hate him, I resent him, and I hate myself for letting this happen to me.”

  She carries on, her words halting and her breath fast. “I don’t want you to settle down yet, Amber. I want you to have a life. It’s too much of a risk for you to accept this as your only future. Wait ten years, go places, achieve things, and then settle down.”

  What is she talking about? What risk?

  “Mum,” I try and keep my voice soothing. “Mum, it’s not going to be like that, we are different.”

  Mum starts to cry. “No, Amber, you’re not different at all, you will be exactly like me. You’ll lose your mind all because of love.”

  What is she talking about? We are different. We have to be different.

  I think back to her strop at Christmas when she told me she doesn’t want me to come back from our break with a mistake. A loud gasp escapes me and I swallow hard. “Oh my God, I was a mistake, wasn’t I?”

  Mum hesitates, and then decided to go all, out truth. “Yes.” Her hands wring together. “If I could change everything then I would. I wouldn’t have fallen pregnant, I would have done something, anything other than lose myself.”

  I can’t even comprehend what she is saying. Is she saying she doesn’t want me?

  My heart beats so loudly in my chest it feels like I am going to be deafened by the rhythm it pounds. I don’t know what to say. I just run to the only person I know to run to.

  His room is dark when I get there, visiting hours are over but I’m such a regular visitor I think people forget I’m not actually supposed to be there. I quietly let myself into his room, pulling the shutter down on the door so no one can see in. He’s asleep, sketchpad on his lap, head titled to the side like a sleeping angel. I slip off my shoes and slide myself under the sheets. His arms tighten around me and I breathe in the smell that’s still Freddy, despite the hospital influence. Seconds tick by as my body relaxes into his and my tears leak onto his T-shirt, soaking through to his skin. With gentle fingers he lifts my chin so I can meet his eyes. “What happened?”

  ‘Everything.” My lip wobbles as I try and keep it all contained.

  ‘Tell me.” He lips brush the top of my head and I can’t resist. I tell him everything, apart from the application form. He holds me tight as I admit I’m a mistake and my own mother can’t see anything more for us than bitterness and destruction.

  After I’ve finished, he holds me, his hands smoothing my hair. He doesn’t reassure me the way I want though, there is something there unsaid.

  Twisting in his arms I move myself so I can kiss his lips. He responds hungrily as his hands run down my spine. Desire ripples through me at his touch and heat floods through my limbs making them feel heavy and achy.

  “Will you make love to me, Freddy?” I whisper in the dim light, my lips trailing against the warm skin of this throat, the scratch of his stubble sending darts of anticipation.

  “I don’t know if I can?” His voice is nervous and unsure and it breaks my heart that the boy who owned me by that fireside at Christmas should have any doubt in his mind.

  “Please.” My emotions crack my voice and Freddy shifts himself so his hands can run along all of my body. I relish the sensation of his touch after months of its absence. My skin scorches with the need for more as flames of need lick along my insides.

  Gently, I lower my lips and kiss along his collar bone, then moving as much as the bed will allow, I pull his T-shirt up so I can kiss along his stomach. He quivers under my lips and I venture further to the waistband of his soft pyjama bottoms. Edging them down, I kiss further, licking with my tongue and grazing with my lips. His hands tug me back towards him, his touch faster and more determined this time. Tucking the sheets around us tight, he lifts my skirt and tugs at my knickers, I shimmy out of them as his strong fingers explore me making me gasp and writhe against his hand.

  “You’re going to have to come on top, Amber French,” he says against my throat. I don’t even hesitate, I fit us together, as the love we share weaves around us, binding us tightly together.

  Later, when we are presentable, just in case a nurse comes in, he nuzzles against me. “I don’t ever want you to regret me,” he says. The words hum low like he’s telling me a secret.

  I look at him in the darkness, my heart burning with love. “I will never regret you.”

  FIRST LOVE

  I fly into Freddy’s room, so desperate to share my news with him that I don’t take much notice of everyone around me. I definitely don’t read the sign on the door which would have told me the room was now being occupied by a Basil Montague, aged 95, which means I wouldn’t have given the said Basil a near heart attack as I ran in and jumped onto his bed and broken hip.

  ‘What,” I stare accusingly at the old man in Freddy’s bed, “are you doing in my boyfriends bed?”

  “Excuse me?” He starts to cough a phlegmy rattle.

  “Amber, what are you doing?”

  I spin at the familiar voice. Freddy is stood in the doorway, a cheeky look on his face as he leans on his sticks, his hair on end and a dark navy T-shirt making him look especially shaggable.

  “What are you doing?” I scream, which causes another coughing fit from the bed stealer.

  “Do you not check your messages?” Freddy’s eyes dance and inside I do a little dance along with them. My Freddy’s back.

  I normally check my messages with fanatical regularity, but today I’ve been busy waiting for the post and then getting super excited when it arrived.

  “I’ve been moved to the “Good Boy,” ward,” he laughs.

  “Are you on parole?” I jump around, excitement my voice pitching high.

  “Yep!” He holds his arms out wide and I run into them, checking my speed at the last moment so he doesn’t have to take the full force of my weight. He’s doing better, he’s not He-Man.

  “Really, are you in the convalesce ward now?” It’s taken ages for him to get there, his recovery has been extraordinary which has made the wait even longer. The doctors have been hesitating, expecting some form of relapse, but no backwards step has arrived. It’s just forward all the way.

  ‘Anyway, Amber French, why are you here, and not getting ready for your Prom?”

  “Prom, shrom,” I grouch.

  “You promised,” he warns, starting to move his sticks so he can walk down the corridor to his new quarters.

  “And I told you, I don’t want to go to an arsey bloody prom.”

  “An arsey bloody prom?” he chuckles, and his sticks click against the floor. “I hope they improve your vocabulary at Loughborough.”

  It’s the plan: I’m going to Loughborough University, he is
getting better and getting back to work, and I will be home at every available moment.

  Yeah, right. It’s not my plan at all. I’ve just been nodding my head to it. In my back pocket I have my acceptance letter to Suffolk University. I’m not going anywhere.

  I’m surprised when Freddy leads us into a recreational area and not to his new ward. “What are we doing here?” I ask.

  “Just fancied a change, I figured we could hang here a while.”

  I survey the room —there are a couple of long-term patients playing chess in the corner, I recognise them and give them a wave when they look up at the newcomers.

  I’ve been coming here six months. Freddy and I have spent six months of our relationship within the walls of a hospital. It might sound strange, but I’m filled with pride when I recognise just what we have surpassed.

  “But in here I can’t do anything naughty to you,” I tease with a flutter of my eyelashes.

  “You are truly wicked, Amber French.” He pats the seat by his. “Come on, show me what you came bursting in here to tell me.”

  “Were you watching me?” I lean in and peck a kiss on his cheek.

  “I’m always watching you. And yes, I knew you would freak when you found out I’d moved rooms. You know, I hope you’re going to read your messages a bit better when you’re away.” His fingers grip mine and he offers me a true Freddy grin.

  This is it. Tell him.

  ‘About that.” I shift uncomfortably in my seat. My excitement seems to be dissipating fast.

  “Yes?”

  I don’t know what to say, all my reasons and convictions evaporate into the air. Instead, I pull the folded letter from my back pocket and hand it to him.

  “What is this?”

  “Just read it.”

  He does, slowly and carefully. Then he sits and stares at it, turning it this way and that in his fingers. “When did you do this?” he asks eventually.

  “A couple of months ago.” I grab both of his hands in mine and shift onto the floor in front of his seat. “Freddy, I love you, I can’t imagine not being with you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  “The thing is, Freddy, I believe you and I can be something.” I repeat the words he said to me on our first date in the snow.

  Freddy bites his lip. “Amber, it’s such a lot for you to give up.”

  “Stop!” I place my fingers over his lips. “I’m not giving up, I’m gaining.” I replace my fingers with my lips so I can peck a kiss. “Right, I’m going to leave and get ready for the stupid prom, I’m going to go and do all that shit and then tomorrow I will wake up knowing that this summer, the only place I have to go is to you.”

  The ocean blues hold my browns and for a long moment we watch each other. I wish I knew what he was thinking.

  “I love you, Freddy Bale.”

  Freddy lowers his head, his shoulders hanging for a moment until he lifts his eyes back to mine. “I love you, Amber French, don’t ever forget that.”

  * * *

  Six hours later, I’ve been primped and primed by Danni. I’m wearing a long, floor-length dress that clings to my new svelte figure like a second skin. We take some pictures so I can get them printed to show Freddy. My dad drives us to the hotel venue. I have a whole new respect for my dad, and have been trying hard to show him with what limited time I’ve had available. It was him I told first about my place at Suffolk, he just smiled big and told me he’d support me whatever I chose. Mum, not so much.

  “So be careful, girls,” he warns from the front seat, and Danni and I giggle like schoolgirls —which I guess, technically, we are for the next few hours.

  “Yes, Dad,” we both chime in unison.

  The hotel does look beautiful, I must admit, Woodford Green High does do a good leaving party. It’s all blue and silver, with fairy lights shining like stars. No one is on the dance floor. Well, Miss. Roberts, the geography teacher is, but then she is totally nuts.

  “I can’t believe this is it,” Danni gushes as we look about with awed expressions. I feel oddly emotional, almost like I’ve reached the end of the line I never knew I was trying to cross.

  “Well I could be back for retakes next year,” I shout over the music.

  Danni folds over with laughter, “Fuck, that would be funny.”

  I mock frown. “Dude, it wouldn’t be that bloody funny.”

  Danni isn’t laughing anymore, she’s looking over my shoulder. “I think your date’s arrived.” She tries to keep her tone sharp and jibing but she has the most enormous cheesy grin on her face. I spin and look in the same direction. Freddy is walking towards me, just one stick in hand.

  My heart totally stops and then my knees start to shake, my mouth falls open and my entire body starts to pulse with unexpected excitement.

  I move towards him, weaving my way through the crowd, all of who are watching. He looks beautiful, black tux, cut to fit perfectly, hair swept back and looking so sexy you’d never know he’s spent the last six months learning to walk again.

  “You look beautiful,” I gush when I’ve finally fought through the crowd to get to him.

  “That’s my line.” He grins, his white teeth shining in the dark. One arm snakes out and winds around my waist, pulling me in tight. He doesn’t ask, he just slowly steps us towards the dance floor. I can feel the slight jilt he now has in his left knee against mine but he doesn’t use his stick or struggle at all.

  On the floor, he grabs my hand and spins me away, pulling me back in tight.

  ‘What are you doing here, Freddy? You’re going to hurt yourself.”

  His arms tighten around me until there is no space between us. Leaning in, he speaks into my ear. “I made myself a promise in January I would be here with you tonight. This is something everyone should get to do.”

  A massive lump forms in my throat and tears threaten to ruin the makeup Danni spent hours perfecting. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” He gives me a grin but his eyes don’t dance.

  “Are you home now, Freddy?”

  His arms tighten a notch. “Yes. I’ve been keeping it secret.” His words trail off and I’m left with the word secret echoing in my ears.

  “I can’t believe you are going to be home. Just think, Freddy, tonight we can sleep in your bed, in your home, together.”

  He doesn’t respond but his lips brush along my earlobe causing a flash of heat.

  “What is it?” I can feel there is something wrong. He’s here, he’s out of hospital, he’s mine, but deep down it feels like there is a hesitation coming. A flaw in the plan.

  A beat of emptiness pulses in the air between us. A feeling of cold fear settles in my stomach in response.

  “Can I talk to you, Amber?” His words set off an alarm bell. He just called me Amber, not Amber French.

  ‘Sure,” I mumble around a scratchy throat.

  He leads me outside, the balmy June evening greets us and envelops us in it’s warm cloak. The warmth doesn’t reach my stomach.

  “You’re walking is amazing, Fred.” I say to try and fill the gap.

  “It’s thanks to you.” He nods his head towards me, and his fingers link with my own.

  “But . . .” I prompt.

  He sighs, his eyes finding mine in the half-light. “But, Amber, listen. I need to take a break, from us.” His voice is firm and sure.

  The moment the words are out, I know I am expecting them. The moment I saw him, I knew.

  “You can’t be for real.” My leg muscles tighten and my palms clench. He can’t be serious? “You wait for the prom, the prom you made me attend, to tell me this?” Anger flourishes inside me, riding on a wave of shocked adrenaline.

  “It’s because of the prom that I’m saying this.” He runs a hand through his hair, making it stand up on end. “Amber, this thing we have is totally crazy, you know it’s not normal for people to feel the way we do. It’s too easy, it should be harder.”

  His words are confusing
me. ‘What should be harder?”

  “Love, don’t you think? Who meets their first love at eighteen and twenty and lives happily every after? It should be harder than that.”

  His eyes search mine but I can’t believe what I’m hearing. What am I hearing?

  “Are you breaking up with me because loving me is too easy?” Please tell me this isn’t what he’s saying.

  “Yes, no. It’s not what I mean. I think we both need to see what else is out there in the world before we settle.”

  “What! You want to see what else is on offer before you decide to settle with me?” I can’t believe this. Where has this come from?

  My mind whirls back to the conversation I had with mum back in March, the conversations where she said I should wait ten years before settling down.

  “Have you been talking to my mum?”

  “No.” But his eyes turn away and I’m convinced he’s lying.

  “Fucking bitch.” My anger boils over, I’m never ever going to talk to that woman again. I will never forgive her for ruining this for me.

  Freddy grabs my hand but I pull away. I look at him, the boy who must have magic running through his veins to make me feel way I do. The boy I’m so in love with I can’t see anything without him.

  Anger and resolve harden my breaking heart.

  “Freddy, there is no second chances for us.” I keep my voice level and my words slow so there is no chance he can’t understand what I’m saying. “There is no seeing what else is out there and then deciding this was the better option.” I take a deep breath, anchoring myself to some tiny part of my heart so when it explodes in a few seconds, I can keep a piece of myself forever. “If this is what you want now, then it has to be what you want forever.”

  He nods with understanding. I can see his damn hands shaking but his features are set. “I understand.”

  ‘I love you, Freddy. I would have done anything for you.”

  His hand runs around the back of his neck and he spins away for a moment, his back straight and his shoulders high and tense.

  He’s changing his mind. This is just a panic, a fear we can beat, together. In a flash, he reaches his hands for me, his lips crush against mine and my body tingles with relief. My senses swim in a heady scent of calm solace. My mind soars like a bird released from a cage. I’ve missed this with him.