This Love

by Anna Bloom

  “What did you feel then?”

  “Everything.” My voice crackles with restrained emotion. There seems little point lying any further.

  Freddy throws himself back into his seat and I keenly absorb the sight of him. Long legs stretched out, hands fisted over his eyes, his blonde hair shining in the moonlight like falling stardust. “I knew I’d made a mistake, Amber, but if I’d known it was a mistake of this magnitude then I would have searched for you until the end of my life.”

  A single lone tear slides down my face. “Freddy, we can’t tell Isaac.”

  His hands whip away from shielding his face and he stares at me, his gaze intent. “Why?”

  “Because I’ve messed him up enough, I never should have got married, especially to someone I wasn’t sure I was in love with. He now calls him Dad and it’s me who allowed that to happen. I’ve confused my son’s life more than I ever wanted to. I need him to have time to sort things out. For him and I to sort things out. If I turn around and tell him you are his real dad and here we are living back in the same town as you, with you turning up and kissing me late at night, what’s he going to think?”

  “We could just tell him we made some mistakes but somehow the three of us will sort it out?”

  “I will not ever use the word mistake with my son!” I shout, an angry pound of blood pulsing through my veins.

  Freddy’s eyes flicker and he clearly remembers when my own mother told me I was a mistake. I’m angry though and can’t hold back. “My son was never a mistake,” I seethe.

  “Amber,” he says his voice calm and reassuring. “Not him. Us. It’s totally different.”

  “No! We can’t tell him.” This is my last word for the moment.

  “Will you let me at least try and build a relationship with him? I want to.”

  I relax my stance. "Is that really what you want, or are you saying it because you think you should?”

  “Amber, I would want to do that just because he’s your son, and I still, deep in my heart, think that we are something. It has nothing to do with what a blood test could tell me.”

  I blurt out a truth. “Your blood is the same. They told me the day he was born, Isaac is AB negative, just like you.” I want to tell him everything. I want to tell him about the battle I had with myself about the right thing to do. I want to tell him about the dark hours I spent missing him and worrying about the choices I’d made. I want to tell him how the first moment I saw Isaac, I knew Freddy would always be with me, whether I ever saw him again or not. I don’t say anything, I just watch his eyes shine in the dark.

  “Well then, that’s a starting block to build on.”

  “And what we do, Freddy, now you know all the wrongs I’ve done you?”

  He appraises me long and hard and I find myself shrinking under his scrutiny. “We find ourselves a block to build on and we start over.”

  “Like what?”

  “Well I’m very handy with tree houses and I believe you have need for one in your back garden. I could start the week after next?”

  “The week after next? That’s ages away!”

  He laughs. “What’s the rush? I thought Isaac was seeing his dad next week?” Freddy’s voice struggles over the word and my heart tightens a notch.

  “Oh, that’s true. Week after next, then.”

  “Can’t wait.”

  I bite down on the Freddy inducing grin that threatens to take over my face and make all this terrible mess magically disappear. “Don’t bother getting here early, he’s not much of an early riser these days.”

  “I can fix that.”

  “You can try.”

  “I will.”

  The grin that spreads across my face despite the evening’s revelations is cut short by the faintest touch of Freddy’s lips to my own. “No matter what, Amber. I still love doing that.”

  CHANCES

  For the first time in a very long time I wake up feeling lighter, and no, I didn’t drop the much-needed two stone hanging around my tummy and hips. What I mean is I’ve woken up and not been instantly pulled down by the weight of the secrets I keep.

  For years I’ve told everyone the same line. “I never got the chance to tell his father.” Now I’ve told him and it feel weird. I spent so many years telling myself to hate Freddy Bale, teaching myself to forget about him, but how can you fight something that powerful? The moment I saw him, he broke down any defenses I’d erected, and that was just when he said hello.

  We’ve agreed not to tell anyone else. It’s not fair on Isaac and it’s not really fair on us. This could be nothing.

  Last night, arrangements were made for Freddy to spend some covert time with Isaac, building the tree house, but nothing much was said about anything else. It was hardly surprising given the revelations of the evening. So right now, as far as I can see, Freddy and I are friends who give yellow roses and who maybe, just maybe if I am lucky, get to graze lips occasionally.

  See, now this is the problem. Freddy Bale is like an obsessive compulsion inducing drug to me. The moment I’m near him, I just want more, and more.

  This is exactly what happened ten years ago. I had one date with the guy and then couldn’t stay away.

  I want to do more than graze lips. Even if nothing else comes of it, hell, I want to do more than graze lips. I’m talking naked jigging, uglies bumping, sex face pulling.

  Shaking off thoughts of Freddy Bale, I take myself off to the bathroom to get ready. I’ve got mum and Isaac to sort and then somehow I’ve been talked into going out for a Sunday pub lunch. I tried to explain to Danni I have responsibilities now, but she assured me it will just be a quick bite to eat. By bite to eat I’m pretty sure what she means is an excavation for gossip from yours truly.

  * * *

  “So you are telling me,” I look at Danni earnestly, as much as I can after three glasses of wine too many. My chin is in my hands, holding my head on just in case it falls off. “You are telling me, that you and Grant got together straight after I left and that was it, you never dated anyone else, saw anyone else, lived anywhere else?”

  She tries to give me an evil look, but can’t. Her eyes have been half closed for the last forty minutes. “No. I mean, it took him a while to wear me down, well, seven years before we got married, but still.”

  “So what happened to the whole “You’re going to ruin your life” thing?”

  “Now I may,” she gives a theatrical flourish of her hand, which nearly knocks her off balance, “have been over-reacting.”

  I spurt wine everywhere. “Over reacting? You were a total bitch and not supportive at all.”

  She nods her head slowly. “Shquestion is, have you forgiven me yet?”

  “Nope. I need you to babysit for the next, well, forever actually.” This is a rare treat for me to get out. Isaac is over with Bailey again. Apparently Henry is going to look after them so that Mai can come out, too, although she’s late. Mai’s addition to our lunch was a last minute plan change.

  I lean forward conspiratorially. “So, Mai? What happened there? How did Henry bag himself a gorgeous Japanese wife?”

  “Well.” Danni sways a little. “It’s a long story.”

  I settle back in my seat, misjudging slightly and sliding down. I wiggle myself back upwards and return to anchoring myself onto the table with my elbows. “I have all the time in the world. Well, I have about an hour.” I need to get Isaac’s uniform washed and ironed. Or at least washed. Actually I will settle for just finding it.

  ‘Do you want to hear it, though?”

  My eyes widen, what on earth can this story have to do with me? “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “Because, Amber. I don’t think you quite understand what happened after you did your little disappearing act.”

  I shift a little, no longer sure if I want hear whatever led Henry meeting his wife and creating their genius son. I was looking for gossip, not a guilt trip.

  Man up, Amber.

  “Okay, gi
ve it to me,” I say with a nonchalant shrug.

  “Well, after you left, everything went a bit shit. Firstly, no one knew where you were. Your mum and dad wouldn’t tell Freddy were you’d gone. He was going crazy trying to find you. I mean, he may have had your best intentions in mind when he broke up with you but it didn’t take him long to put his own needs first again, and what he needed was you. But you were gone. Poof, in a puff of smoke.” She waves her hand like a magician and sways in her seat, giving me an incredibly detrimental look.

  “Obviously I couldn’t help, because you dumped me, too, so there we all were, wondering what happened. Whatever your parents knew they weren’t sharing. Freddy pretty much gave up everything. We all know he’s the one that kept that garage going, well one day he just didn’t pitch up, nor the next, nor the day after. He said he needed time to sort himself out. So off he went as well, leaving Charles with a business he could no longer run by himself.”

  A wave of sick remorse washes over me. I’m a bitch. I don’t even know why these people still want to talk to me.

  I don’t want to talk to me right now.

  “So anyway,” she continues. “Henry went to Japan to try and sell the business, the car prototype or something, I don’t really understand. There he met Mai and she came over eventually when they realised it was a love thing not a business thing, that and the fact she was totally knocked up by that point. Finally Freddy came home, he was serious, determined, and no one was ever allowed to mention you. He basically bought the business but over a set amount of years.”

  “No one was allowed to talk about me?” I shouldn’t be surprised, at all.

  “No, Miss Centre of the Universe.”

  “And what then?”

  “Well then you turned up and Freddy found his way to your door about five minutes after I told him I’d seen you. So I’m guessing not talking about you all those years really paid off.”

  I sit in silence for a moment, thinking all this through. “I’m sorry, Danni, you were my best friend and I shouldn’t have acted like that.”

  “I am your best friend, and no, you shouldn’t. Bitch.”

  “Fuck face.”

  We grin at each other until Danni’s attention is caught at the bar. “Oh, fuck. I hope Mai turns up soon, otherwise I will be left here by myself.”

  “What do you mean?” I spin to investigate and find Freddy across the room. His tall body is leant over the smooth wood of the bar as he speaks into the barmaid’s ear to get a drink.

  My stomach does an all out gold standard somersault.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I shrug nonchalantly, clutching hold of my glass just a fraction tighter.

  To my credit, I manage to keep my back turned and my feet firmly in place for an hour after Freddy’s arrival, which was closely followed by Mai, but now I am so desperate for a pee my bladder could explode.

  “Okay, where is he?” I whisper across the table. I think I’m whispering but I’ve been party to three bottles of wine and there is no quiet mode after that amount has been consumed.

  Danni and Mai both roll their eyes in unison. “Still standing by the bar, just like he was fifteen minutes ago when you asked.” Danni laughs with her words.

  “I need to wee, I can’t hold it any longer, where’s the loo?”

  Danni smirks. “It’s just around there.” She motions to a path that takes me in front of the bar, and directly passed Freddy. “Or there’s a flower pot outside, should you need.”

  “No, not at all.”

  Wobbling up from my seat, I adjust my jeans and make sure to tuck in all my squidgy bits. I breathe out a dramatic sigh of relief when I see that Freddy has his back turned to me. I walk past, cool as cucumber, or some other refrigerated vegetable, and keep my eyes down and focused on my feet and the simple task of not tripping up. I’m nearly past him when I do something completely ridiculous. I walk past, relatively unseen and decide to reach my hand out and graze my fingers against his.

  I don’t stop. I just keep walking, walking, walking, walking until I reach the toilet, which is right back where I started. Danni is chuckling away to herself as Mai shakes her head at the immaturity of it all. I’ve just walked around a circular bar.

  It’s no good, I am going to wet myself. Waving two fingers at Danni I duck into the loo and admire the graffiti while I gain some measure of relief. I scan the words scratched into the old paintwork searching for any reference to Hot Freddy Bale Sex but there isn’t any.

  I’m pretty sure that if I’d hung around the village long enough after turning eighteen, I would have eventually written something on there.

  I study myself in the mirror as I wash my hands and I’m having some trouble recognising the woman looking back at me. With thirty creeping up on me, the changes are starting to show. Faint crinkles spread around my eyes when I smile, there is a permanent crease between my brow, and my body which has always been curvy now refuses to even try to lose a pound or two, it wants to keep them all.

  Thing is, and it’s the bitch of the situation, inside I still feel like the eighteen year old girl who was last here.

  I take in a deep breath — it does help the muffin top — and shake my hair out over my shoulders. My face is flushed from the wine and I know I need to get home. I’ve got to get everything ready for school and I can’t leave mum for much longer. It’s responsibilities like this that make me lock the eighteen year old deep inside me and won’t let her out to play, otherwise I’d never get home to be the responsible adult I know I need to be.

  Keeping my head down, I walk back out of the door ready to make my excuses and my escape. I don’t get far, though. My hand is caught firmly and tugged in the opposite direction to the one I’m heading. Off balance, I tip into Freddy’s waiting arms.

  “Hello, Amber.”

  Looking up, I gaze straight into his ocean blues, before lowering my attention to his mouth. A flare of desire ripples through me.

  I clear my throat with an incredibly unsexy cough. “Freddy.”

  I don’t get a chance to say much else. With his hand still firmly gripping mine, he silently leads me out the patio doors and into the pub garden.

  The lawn is scattered with packed picnic benches, the late summer heat wave ensuring an abundance of customers enjoying the extended afternoon sunshine. With an “Tsk,” of annoyance, he pulls me down a side alleyway.

  ‘What are you doi—?” His mouth cuts off the rest of the words as it literally crashes into mine. His hands grab for my hips, dragging me in closer and closer until our bodies are melded and I can feel heat pulsating through our clothing.

  His fingers tangle in my hair, yanking my head back so his lips can trail along the arch of my throat.

  My legs actually start to shake. That’s right, they shake. A heavy numb sensation spreads along my limbs.

  “I can’t stay away from you,” he murmurs low in my ear, his hot breath sending piercing tingles this way and that.

  What I should do is pull away and question why he can’t stay away from me when last night I told him that I was the most deceitful secret keeper ever to walk the earth, but I don’t. I allow him to push me against a disused picnic bench, hiking me up onto the tabletop. My fingers run along his back, the familiar curve of his shoulder blades creating a firework display of memories exploding in my mind.

  His kisses rain down on me, his teeth grazing my lips, his tongue darting and probing. Without breaking the contact of his mouth, one of his hands slides under the edge of my shirt and runs over my skin. His thumb lifts the wire of my bra and skims underneath. The rough texture of his palm catches against my flesh and sets it on fire. Expelling a gasp, I allow my head to fall so he can kiss along the sensitive skin of my throat, his teeth tug at my earlobe causing waves of heat to flood through me.

  This is quite dominating and outrageously hot.

  I grab him and pin my legs around his hips, feeling him push against me.

  Quickly
, his mouth finds mine again and he moves even closer, pinning my hands behind me on the tabletop. I smile into the kiss and then feel him lift the corner of his own lips into a smile as he flicks his tongue across my bottom lip. His hands release mine, although I leave them in the position he put them in because it’s honestly damn hot, and run along the waistband of my jeans. I should breathe in, but I’m to busy actually just trying to keep my lungs functioning normally. His fingers dance over all my lumps and bumps and I open one eye to check for any signs of disgust, there aren’t any, just his long lashes resting on his cheeks and the fair arch of his eyebrow so perfectly drawn.

  With a snap, his blue eyes flash open, they dance when they find me watching him. “I’m guessing you need to get back to your friends.” His voice is hoarse. I daren’t even trust mine to grate out the smallest of noise.

  I nod my head, totally speechless.

  “Well off you go then.” He winks and moves away so I can attempt to get down from the table on numb, wobbly legs. It’s a slow process.

  I’ve staggered five shaky paces when he calls me back. “Amber, would you like to go out for dinner with me next weekend?”

  “Uh.”

  He waits for me to continue, one eyebrow raised. I don’t.

  “Is that a yes or a no?” He takes a step towards me and my mouth goes very very dry.

  ‘I don’t know,” I manage to squeak.

  “You don’t know?” He’s grinning and so not helping. “You don’t know if you’d like to go out with me or not?”

  I clear my throat. “I’m worried about Isaac. I don’t want to make this any more confusing than it has to be.”

  He takes another step effectively closing the space between us. “It’s not confusing, Amber. It’s quite simple. I just need you.”

  My mouth flaps open and Freddy runs his finger along my bottom lip. “I’ll ask again.” He leans in closer still, so our noses are close to touching and I can see the flecks in his eyes. “Do you want to go out for dinner with me next week?”

  “Yes.” I blurt my answer.