This Love

by Anna Bloom

  Freddy combusts into a bright red colour. “Don’t talk to her like that, you don’t have a right.”

  Elliot comes right back into his face. “You don’t have a right to fuck my wife, but apparently you’ve already done that.”

  I gasp, my throat closing, tears building. This is the worst situation I could possibly imagine. I understand all too late that my decision to end a relationship I hated being in, wasn’t clean enough. Nowhere near clean enough.

  I turn to Elliot. “I didn’t use you, Elliot. I promise, I didn’t. I went into our marriage with my eyes open, hoping it would work, but it didn’t. I’m sorry.”

  I know this isn’t enough but I’m scrambling around in my head trying to find any words that make sense. “If you will just agree to a divorce then we can both move on, live our lives, hopefully happier.”

  “I was happy with you, Amber, you and Isaac. You made me fall in love with both of you and now you want to take that away.” There is a pulsing vein in Elliot’s forehead telling me just how angry he is.

  “I’m sorry. It’s not the way you think.”

  “Do you know how long it takes to get divorced now, after separation?”

  I don’t, I haven’t actually looked into divorce at all. I was just happy from the moment I got in the car with my boy and my belongings and could finally breathe again. “No.”

  “Two years.”

  The words hammer inside my head. Two years? Two years?

  That’s just under half the time we’ve been married. That makes no sense. He knows this. He watches me with a calculating gaze as I root about trying to come up with something else.

  “What about the fact I’ve cheated on you? Surely that counts?”

  Eliot laughs a bitter, incriminating sound. Freddy steps into my side, careful not to touch me. Elliot is watching, absorbing everything. “How cute.” He turns his attention back to me, a sneer on his face. “It only counts if I acknowledge it, if I make a claim against you.”

  His words don’t even sound like he’s speaking English.

  “I think two years sounds just about right. You pay me back half of the time I’ve given you.” The smug look on his face tells me he’s been looking into our current state of affairs with his standard analytical approach to everything.

  “You'll stay away from Isaac?” I can only suggest it. This situation is more complicated than I ever dreamt. Stupid, Amber.

  “Five years — I don’t have to agree to the two.” He smirks with his winning line.

  Like the speed of light, the image of spending five years married to the wrong person while the right one lives down the road races through my mind.

  I hesitate, two years seems like forever, two years feels like a death sentence, but out of the corner of my eye I see Freddy motion a discreet thumbs up from his under his folded arm stance.

  “Okay, but you don’t mess with Isaac, you bring the relationship to a close, take the closure that you both need and you be ready to walk away when it’s over.”

  I never thought these would be demands I’d make from someone. But Isaac has to come first. He always comes first.

  Elliot’s eyes glint and I wonder what the hell I first saw in him. Then I remember I wasn’t seeing back then, I was desperate and existing in a cycle of despair. He came in like a knight in shining armour. I realised too late the armour had a taint which couldn’t be polished away.

  “Dad!” Isaac’s voice calls up the drive but it sounds to me like it’s passing through fog. Elliot’s smirk transforms into a full out wolfish grin as he turns to grab Isaac into his arms. Freddy stiffens by my side and I can actually hear his ragged breathing.

  “Hey, Sport.” Elliot ruffles his hair tucking him into his side so I can’t get my hands on my son.

  “What are you doing here? I thought you couldn’t do this weekend?” Isaac gabs excitedly, jumping up and down. My heart hurts. It just hurts watching the scene play out.

  “Change of plans, I can do today, if you want?”

  I frown at Elliot but he ignores me. He’s pushing me, taunting me.

  “Yes!” Isaac implores me beseechingly with his eyes. To my surprise, Freddy steps in.

  “Hey Isaac, I thought we were doing your tree house today?”

  Isaac looks torn, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand and I think that Freddy’s offer will win, but Isaac looks between Freddy and Isaac and says, “Can we do it next weekend, Mr. Bale?”

  Ice cuts through my heart and Elliot gloats in my face.

  “Sure thing, Isaac.” Freddy smiles at him warmly but his ocean blue eyes don’t look like the sort of sea you’d want to swim in.

  Isaac crashes his overnight bag to the floor and steps back down the front step. Once he’s turned away, I grab Elliot’s arm tight and pull him in, my voice an angry whisper. “Don’t you dare tell him.”

  “Why ruin the surprise now, when I have time on my hands to make your life truly uncomfortable?” And with his final words, he follows Isaac down the driveway and I’m left watching his retreating form.

  Freddy softly closes the door and my knees give way, I’m at the point of crumbling to the floor when his arms pull me into his. Shouldering the bulk of my weight, he leads us to the kitchen.

  “I’ve ruined everything, I’ve been so stupid.” I say it over and over again, my whole body shaking.

  “What were you thinking with that guy, Amber?” Freddy crouches in front of the kitchen chair he’s placed me on.

  I stare at him, unseeing as I gaze back into the past and search for the answer. The truth hurts too much to say but I don’t want to lie anymore, to anyone. “I saw that he wasn’t you.” A sob racks through me and I put my head on my knees. “I saw that he wasn’t you and thought that maybe he would be safer, that he wouldn’t hurt me the way you did.” His hands smooth down my back, calm and reassuring.

  “I’ve totally fucked up both of our lives, haven’t I?” His voice is low and bitter. “The stupid thing is, I was trying to give you the future I thought you deserved.”

  I raise my face to meet his eyes. “It’s not you. I should have come back, I should have come back the month later when I knew how much I needed you, but I was too proud to come back.”

  With gentle fingers, Freddy lifts my chin. “This love of our wasn’t meant to be easy, Amber, I get that now, I don’t think any love is.” With a deep sigh he gathers me tight in his arms. “Amber, I’ve been waiting for you my entire life, what’s two more years going to do?”

  “Fred, I don’t expect you to wait two years for me. He’s going to make our life hell, isn't he?”

  “Yeah, I think he will try, but it’s up to us if we let him or not.”

  I look at him balefully, my heart breaking, unsure, no longer aware of what I’m feeling and what’s a forgotten fantasy from my long years spent not here with him. “Is this love, Freddy?”

  His ocean blues melt my heart as he grins his slow, beautiful smile that time hasn’t changed. “We could find out together. I know I prefer my life with you here. I know I want to get to know Isaac, and I know I don’t want either of you to be anywhere other than here. That’s a start, right?”

  “Yeah, that’s a start. I don’t want to be anywhere else, either.”

  Leaning in, he kisses my mouth, the taste of my tears on his lips. “I don’t think we should antagonise Elliot, he could make this an easy five years, we need him to think we are playing by his rules.”

  “How do we do that?” I mutter the question, although I’m sure I know the answer.

  “Create some space, so he doesn’t think you came back here just to find me.”

  “But I didn’t!” I protest. “I came back here, petrified I’d see you again and you’d hate me for the all the wrongs I’ve done."

  Freddy chuckles and pulls me in, showering kisses on my face and hair. “Amber, I know that, you know that. It’s all that matters.” He leans back and looks at me sternly. “So are we going to do this the
right way, this time?”

  My heart wants so much for me to say “What the hell,” but I know I can make the situation worse, so much worse, so I nod my unhappy agreement. His lips graze over mine again and my whole body aches for him.

  “Space.” I agree.

  * * *

  It’s half ten and Isaac is asleep. He was gone only a few short hours with Elliot. Elliot didn’t approach the house again, although he gave me a hearty wave from the car. I slammed the door on him — it was totally useless but it made me feel a little better.

  I spent the afternoon looking after mum and trying to get my head around the developments of the last twenty-four hours. My date with Freddy, which turned into so much more, couldn’t have ended worse, even with me at the helm bent on Amber French Destruction.

  I’m straightening the lounge and glaring at my laptop with its unhappy love stories when the front doorbell rings.

  Swinging it open I find Freddy leaning against the wall. “That’s about all the space I can manage.” His arms grab me tight, pulling me into every contour of his body, fitting me next to him the way we’ve always fit together. The autumn chill lingering on his clothes and body filters through my layers, making me shudder as I move in and kiss him.

  When he pulls away his eyes dance, humour lighting his face from within. As he sits down on the top step, he tugs me down with him. “So tell me about your day.”

  “Bah, you know, so so.”

  “How do you want your day to end, Amber?”

  I look up into the dark blues, that familiar emotion I get with him rushes though every cell in my body. “With you.”

  He grins. “Good, I was hoping you’d say that.

  GIRLS

  “Soooooo,” Mai exaggerates her tone, flinging her hands in excitement.

  “So, what?” I stir my mocha with a splash inducing enthusiasm and keep my eyes averted from Danni and Mai. It’s been days since mine and Freddy's fated first date, and well, since then life has sucked even harder than it did before.

  Freddy still turns up at ten thirty, and he still sits by my side on the front step, despite the cooler evening air, but he hasn’t asked to come in, and he hasn’t gone further than gripping my hand in a fist of iron, his hold so tight I have to read more into it than I probably should.

  ‘So, your date?” Mai prompts again, her pitch-black gaze darting over me. Danni has sunk down in her leather seat and is watching me over the rim of her coffee mug.

  Coffee? I need wine. But it’s only eleven thirty.

  “The date was okay, we went bowling, I fell over, it was okay.”

  “No sex?”

  I spurt my mouthful of mocha everywhere. “Why would you presume there was sex?”

  “Because I’ve known Freddy for ten years and the whole time I’ve known him, everyone has talked about the two of you like dynamite. I figured there would be sex.”

  I don’t flush. I burn like Hades himself has dragged me down to hell.

  “Haaaaah!” Danni cries. “They totally had sex.”

  I straighten my back and attempt to pull on my prim and proper look. “Honestly, Danni, we’re nearly thirty.”

  “Yeah, and you and Freddy did the dirty after ten years. We need details, now.”

  I pull a face at them both. “You’re both married to a Bale, I’m sure you can work it out.”

  They both look at each other in amusement before laughing. “Yeah,” Danni sobers up enough to say. “But Freddy’s the hot one.”

  “Glad you know it,” I reply with a cheeky grin, taking another sip of my drink. “Anyway,” I continue, “There’s no rushing into anything, I made that mistake last time, and also as I’m still married and will be for a long time, there’s no point in rushing.”

  Danni and Mai both have their eyebrows in their hairlines. “Total and utter shit,” Mai states matter of factly. “Why’s this Elliot being such a pain in the arse, anyway?”

  I giggle a little. Mai does have a great way with words. “Uh, because I married him, Mai, and then one day I woke up and realised I’d made a terrible mistake, then I used my mum as an excuse and ran away, and then finally he found me shagging some guy I used to know.” I take a deep breath. “I do believe that may be why he is being an arse.”

  I’ve had a long hard look at my actions the last few days. I’m not proud, at all. In fact I’m ashamed by some off the things I’ve done.

  “Bollocks!” Danni butts in. “He must have known you weren’t in love with him, I’d say it’s quite easy to tell. He’s the one who’s been manipulating you. And that crap with Isaac, that’s just trying to control you and using your own son as leverage.”

  I stare into my mocha hoping to find some answers there. I don’t. “Danni, you can’t excuse the things that I’ve done.”

  "I’m not excusing them. When you left here you were heart broken, Freddy acted like a dick head. You got pregnant, you did the best you could, but letting some twat dictate to you when he’s going to see your child is beyond acceptable.” Her words confuse me at first, but quick enough, before I can put my foot I it, I remember that nobody else knows that Freddy is Isaac’s real dad. I mean, they all might guess, but it hasn’t been confirmed, and nor will it until the boy himself knows and this mess is finally sorted once and for all.

  Danni’s gaze is intent on me, just like it was the first day when she met Isaac and did the math as quick as lightning. Ignoring her scrutiny, I concentrate on the rest of her words, her analysis of my bad choices after I left, or rather after I ran away.

  Her words are true, if I look long and hard, I know my life is a catalogue of mistakes that I’ve made based on the decisions of others.

  The biggest mistake I made was when I chose to walk away from Freddy instead of stand and fight. That mistake I’ve been paying for a very long time, and so has my son.

  “So, anyway, are you up for family dinner on Friday night? It’s kind of a Bale tradition,” Mai asks.

  “I’m not a Bale.”

  “Mere technicality.”

  “Thanks, Mai, but I think Isaac and I need to spend a bit of time together. I was thinking movie and popcorn.”

  Isaac’s been strange since the weekend. I was expecting him to be excited to go to school and see his new best buddy Bailey, but he’s been unenthusiastic about everything, especially me. He’s spent more time watching telly with his semi-coherent nan than he has with me.

  That’s going to change this weekend.

  “Okay, you know where we are if your popcorn night turns into a disaster, you know, last time I tried to have a night like that with Bailey, he played on his iPad the whole way through, and then had the cheek to ask if he’s earned his pocket money by spending time with me.”

  Hm. I have a sneaky suspicion this will be the culmination of my Friday night, too.

  “Anyway.” Danni puts her cup down in its saucer with a clatter. “Hadn’t you better go and get ready for the school run?”

  I look at her in confusion. “Nope, school run’s hours away.”

  “Okay,” she smirks and makes a show of tidying the cups onto the tray. “Just so long as you’re sure. Did you actually brush your hair this morning?”

  I pull on the tangled end of my ponytail. I didn’t have time to do anything this morning, and then we came straight out for coffee. “Nope, I had a bad night with mum and then overslept.”

  They both look at me sympathetically, all teasing evaporated. “What are you going to do?” Mai leans over and gives me a little pat on my hand.

  A burst of air escapes out of my lips. “I don’t know, it’s night terrors or something, she’s okay during the day but then at night time she goes nuts, last night she scared Isaac pretty bad.”

  Mum’s screaming at night is so bad, before it was just whimpering but now it’s full on screaming, shouting, and if you try to help her or settle her she lashes out. It’s frightening for me, let alone Isaac.

  "You’re going to have to get some hel
p if she keeps on deteriorating this quickly.” Danni points out.

  I scowl at Danni. “I’m the help, remember! That’s why I came home.”

  “Yeah, but come on, Amber, it’s far worse than you thought it would be.”

  "She’s my mother!”

  “Yeah, I know, I remember how she used to be with you. And your dad.” Danni is defiant and we glare at each other across the table, neither one of us backing down.

  “Okay,” Mai interrupts our stare-down. “I suggest taking her to the doctor, find out what they are expecting the next steps to be.”

  Nodding, I agree with her. “I will, next week.” But I know in my head it’s going to be difficult to even get her there, she doesn’t leave the house willingly, only accidentally when she is confused and doesn’t know where she is going, or what she is doing. Two mornings ago I found her raking leaves in the garden wearing only her bra and knickers.

  I’m sure she is too young for her dementia to be this bad, but her symptoms are erratic and hard to predict. The doctor who tracked me down and ‘suggested’ I come home to help, did not paint a clear picture of what was happening at all.

  “Okay, I must go and get some food in before I get Isaac,” I say, pushing out of the leather sofa I’ve become wedged in.

  They both wave me off, neither of them looking like they are in a rush to be anywhere. I feel a little stab of jealousy when I see how well they get on as sisters-in-law who happen to be friends, too.

  I’m at the door when Danni calls, “Don’t forget to brush your hair,” loudly and starts to laugh.

  I pull a face and head out into the autumnal sunshine.

  Brushing my hair is the last thing on my mind as I screech the car to the school gates. I’ve gone around the block twice looking for a space and can’t find one for love nor money. I’m late. The supermarket was full of old people dawdling, and then the damn car refused to start, finally I had to get a guy to jump it in the car park which gave me the right hump.