This Love

by Anna Bloom

  He has the good grace to look a little remorseful, a little, but nowhere near as much as I’d like.

  “Am I allowed to explain, or are you just going to shout?” He runs his hands down his thighs in that sexy way of his, apart from right now it’s not sexy, it’s just annoying and distracting.

  “No. Freddy, it’s just a no from me, I can’t do that again.” My answer is simple and honest. I cannot, and will not do that again.

  Arching his fingers together into a steeple he rests his chin on his hands and looks up at me. Letting out a slow breath, I try and bring my surprise and anger under control.

  I’m looking directly at him but all I can see in my mind is the vision of him lying on a hospital bed, unresponsive and his skin blackened and singed. Bile rises up my throat and I spin, gagging into the sink.

  His hand slides up along my back and sweat breaks along my brow. This is pure panic. I’ve felt it before and I always said I’d never allow myself to feel like that again. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, his fingers sweeping back my hair. “I didn’t mean to take you by surprise like that. I just got carried away, that’s all.”

  Straightening up, I find his gaze on me. “Carried away with what?” I question.

  “With you. God, Amber, I haven’t felt like myself in so long, then you came back to town and I felt this flicker of life inside me again. I haven’t raced since you left because I blamed it for me losing you, but now you’re here I’m thinking of the Freddy I can be with you by my side.” His hand slides from my shoulder along my arm and I offer an involuntary shiver at his touch and his words.

  “Freddy, we’ve been doing this,” I gesture between the two us like it’s in any way able to convey the fragile relationship we are rebuilding, “for a couple of months. When I was here ten years ago, we’d been together a month when you went to that race. It’s too much coincidence, it’s like you are trying to throw a massive spanner in the works.”

  “Listen, Amber.” He takes another step closer, sliding his arms around me, his hands down my spine. A ripple of pleasure rolls through me. “I’m probably going to be shit, I haven’t raced in a decade, I drive like a granny most of the time, anyway, these days. I just want to know what I could be now. If I can still do it.”

  I give a little “Pfft.” And shake my head. “Like you could be shit at anything?”

  He flashes me a cheeky grin. “I’m not very good at mowing a lawn.”

  This is true as we found out the other weekend with the Flymo. “True.”

  “So maybe I’m not going to be any good at racing, I just want to try.”

  I’m never going to win this, but the thought of him going through that again is still too much to contemplate. “What about Isaac? You and him have this thing going, he looks up to you, are you willing to gamble that?”

  “It’s not a gamble.” He holds me tighter. “I’m not going anywhere, or leaving either of you. You’re both mine.” My heart swells with his words.

  “Actually, I think you’ll find you’re both mine.”

  Pulling me in the final inch that separates us, he kisses me making good use of the kitchen counter until we hear Isaac clatter back down the stairs and we pull apart, putting a good few feet between our burning bodies. “Isaac, it’s time for bed.”

  It’s not, it’s half seven, but it’s always worth a try.

  “Yeah, whatever, Mum. Nice argument?” Isaac asks.

  “We weren’t arguing.” I state, not that convincingly.

  Isaac just raises an eyebrow in his all-knowing manner.

  “Isaac,” Freddy interrupts us again. “Go to bed, I’ve got something fun planned tomorrow, but you need a good nights sleep.” I snort a snigger. There is no way in a million years Isaac is going to fall for any form of bribery for the second time this evening, no matter how convincing Freddy may be when he delivers his winning line.

  “What?” Isaac knows when he’s being bribed, as all children do. He just has to find out first whether the bribe is worth the price.

  “Well, tomorrow I’m taking a car to the race track for a practice, I need a good mechanic if you fancy it?”

  Isaac’s mouth drop opens and he stares between the two of us. My mouth is also open. “I’m going to bed,” he announces excitedly before running over, kissing me, and bouncing back up the stairs.

  Freddy grabs me close again, nuzzling his nose along my neck.

  “Did you just send Isaac to bed so you could have sex with me?”

  “Yep, pretty much.”

  “Freddy, you know you can’t take him to the track tomorrow, I’d be worried sick.”

  “You’re coming, too. Anyway it will be something fun for him and I to do together.”

  I’m going to argue some more, but then the thought of them enjoying time together wins over and I stop myself.

  Things are finally looking perfect for me and I don’t want to hinder any relationship building that Freddy has planned with Isaac.

  My time for making mistakes is over.

  “Okay, but you need to understand, I will never be able to watch you race, not ever. And I won’t want Isaac to, either.”

  I couldn’t bear to witness that again, nor for Isaac.

  “Okay, deal.” Freddy’s eyes flash with mischief and I know I will be nagged to death until the first race. “So, about that sex?”

  HISTORY

  “Mum, can I ask a question?” I’m sat on my bed, staring out of the window when Isaac pokes his head around my bedroom door. I feel sick. So sick I may never leave the room let alone the house. I don’t want today to happen, and I am sure that if I hide in my room then it just won’t. Simple as that.

  “Sure.” I pat the bed beside me and Isaac comes and settles at my side. He’s getting so tall our heads nearly the reach the same height when sitting. He definitely doesn’t get his height from me.

  “Freddy’s race?” he says, and I instantly know where the conversation is heading.

  “Yes?”

  “Why aren’t you going?”

  “Neither are you, so don’t worry about it.” It’s been an ongoing argument for four weeks.

  Isaac does that teenage “Ugh,” and shoulder shake he’s been perfecting in preparation for when he hits the hormonal years. “Mr. Bale said I could go with him and he’d look after me.”

  “I’m sure he did, but Charles can’t make promises to you like that, only I can.”

  “But you care about Freddy’s race and about him, don’t you?” Isaac’s voice is hesitant here. We still haven’t had the chat. I keep building up to it but it never seems to be the right time.

  I keep silent, my maturity level rapidly sinking to the same level as a seven year old.

  “Okay, Mum. Do we need to have the boyfriend chat?”

  “What boyfriend? Freddy’s just a friend, I told you, we have a lot of history.”

  “Mum, you and Freddy, that’s not the way normal friends behave.”

  I flush beetroot and have to give myself a little fan to cool down. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Isaac laughs the chuckle I know he’s learnt from Freddy. “Okay, when other mums are talking to 'just friends,' they never lean over and brush their friends hair out of their eyes. Also, I don’t think they tap knees under the dinner table, or kiss when their kid leaves the room."

  I’m burning through and through.

  “I also don’t think they laugh together in the middle of the night, you know? I’m just saying.”

  “Bleugh.”

  “Freddy say’s you’re always articulate when put on the spot.”

  “Did he, indeed? That’s a big word, Isaac. And did he also put you up to asking about the race?”

  “Maybe. Come on, mum, please let me go, you can stay here and stare out the window but I think Freddy would prefer it if you were there.”

  “Is he there already?” I wouldn’t let him over last night. I didn’t want there to be the slightest chance I could
make him late so he failed to check his car again like that ill fated day all those years ago. The time I nearly lost Freddy to flames and twisted metal.

  “Yep, he text just before I came to find you.”

  “Text him back and tell him to check his car.”

  Isaac hands me his phone, a message is sat on the welcome screen. Tell your mum I’ve checked the car already.

  My heart starts to pound uncomfortably, nerves creating butterflies that swirl in my stomach. “Listen.” I grab Isaac’s hand. “I can’t go. Before, when I lived here, before I had you, Freddy and I were more than friends, something else, something better.” I’m trying to keep it vague, he’s only nine, he doesn’t need to know about first love yet. “Freddy had an accident on a race track just like the one he’s going to drive on today. He nearly died, Isaac, and it was the end of everything. I can’t do that again.”

  “But you love him, though?” Isaac says it so simply, with the uncanny perception of a child.

  “Maybe,” I whisper. “But I love you more, and I don’t want you to ever see what I did that day.” The blocked image of a rolling car engulfed in flames breaks through my mental barrier and I see it all play out in my head just the way I did back then.

  “Please come, I’ve cancelled seeing Dad today so I can go with you. I promise to hold your hand.”

  Oh yes, he’s still calling Elliot Dad, and every time he does, it chips away a little bit more of my heart.

  “Promise?”

  “Definitely.”

  My phone vibrates in my pocket, a message from Freddy. Don’t be chicken.

  That’s just taking the piss. I jump from the bed. “Are you coming or not?” If I lose him waiting at home or standing by the track it’s not going to make much difference. Losing Freddy again either way will be the end of me.

  We are walking to the door when I grab his hand in mine. “You promised to hold my hand.”

  “Freddy says when I am a racing driver you won’t have any choice but to come to every meet.”

  I make a mental note to discuss child appropriate conversations with Freddy.

  “Sweetie, over my dead body.”

  “I’m naturally gifted with cars, Mr. Bale told me.”

  “I’m sure he did.” I pull Isaac to a stop and he looks at me in confusion. “Isaac, are you okay about Freddy and I? I know it must be confusing for you.”

  He offers me one of his wide grins. “Well, you look happy so it’s not that confusing. I like to see you smile mum.”

  There is one more thing I need to clear up before we leave the room. I hold him still while I lower myself so I can look into his eyes, I brush the hair off his forehead so I can see clearer. “Isaac, remember when we talked about trying this out for a year? I need to know how you feel about that now. You see, if I go to this race today and Freddy, you and I make a little gang of three, then it will be very hard for me to leave. I wouldn’t want to do that to you again. You’re old enough now to understand, aren’t you?”

  Isaac looks at me solemnly, his little face so beautiful as he registers what I’m saying. He knows that I’m admitting to the mistakes that brought us back here in the first place. “Mum, I don’t think I’m going to want to leave either. I like it here with Crazy Nanny Barb and the Bale family. It feels like home.”

  Tears of relief slide down my face, tracing their way onto my clothes.

  “Come on, we are going to be late.” Isaac grins at me with his words and I wipe haphazardly at my wet cheeks. “And you don’t want to distract him again.”

  “Distract him? Who told you I did that the first time?”

  “Bailey’s dad.”

  “Well, we’d better go and prove Bailey’s dad wrong.”

  I’ve actually timed our arrival perfectly. All the drivers are in their cars on the grid (apparently it’s called a grid) so I don’t have to worry about “distracting” Freddy. Slipping through the gathered crowd, I locate Danni and Freddy’s family. Just like ten years ago, Danni slips her arm through mine and squeezes tight. Out of the corner of my eye, I spy Mai and Henry; they are both suited and booted, looking like they are headed for a business meeting rather than an afternoon race. It’s only Charles Bale who looks casual in faded jeans and a knit jumper. Isaac heads straight for Charles, and the older mans face lights up when he sees him. “Good to see you here, Amber.” He comes up and gives me a tight hug, holding me for longer than normal. “I think you’re very brave,” he whispers into my ear so the others can’t hear.

  I lean in close and whisper back. “I’m not the brave one, I’m not the one in the car.”

  With a smile, he pulls away and gives me a bright smile but deep underneath it I sense I am not the only one for who today is a challenge they weren’t expecting to overcome again. “He’ll be fine,” I find myself saying.

  “Of course he will. He spent ten years waiting for you to come back, I don’t think he’s going to mess it all up now.”

  I grin a big cheesy smile at his words, but my smile quickly fades when I see Henry marching over. I try not to pull a childish face but I possibly fail.

  “Right, you’ve got five minutes to learn enough about our cars to bluff and then you’ve got to circulate.” He informs me.

  "Right now, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I look at him blankly.

  “You talk to people who may decide to by a car, it’s quite simple really.”

  “Are you joking?”

  He motions to his suit. “Does it look like I’m joking? Apparently you’re family again, so you can help us sell. Off you go, Amber, your son knows most things about the cars, I’m sure he can fill you in on a level you understand.”

  I try to kill him with my death stare. Sadly it doesn’t work, so in the end I back down, mumbling to myself. As I walk by Mai, I give her a supportive pat on the back, it must be really hard to be married to that prick, she needs all the support she can get.

  The thought gets me chuckling and lifts my mood, so I find Isaac who’s still with Charles, and ask for a lowdown on the car that Freddy’s driving. I’m going to make sure I’m the best bloody sales woman out here and then Henry can shove it up his arse.

  My circulating and talking cars, even with limited facts, keeps me so distracted I’m only partially aware of the race taking place. I’ve talked two old guys with too much cash into visiting the garage and seeing the available models when Grant comes up and gives me a glass of red wine. “Have you seen where Freddy is?”

  “Nope.” I turn one tentative eye towards the track but can’t really make much out.

  "Third,” Grant boasts proudly, giving my arm an excited squeeze.

  "Is that good?” I ask with a large mouthful of wine.

  “Ooh, that better than good, he hasn’t done this in a decade and yet he’s not lost his edge at all. This is what he needs in his life, well, apart from you of course.” Grant inclines his head.

  “Well, that’s good.”

  “I reckon your Isaac is going to have a gift as well.” Grants slate grey eyes level with mine and I know he’s probing for information, waiting for me to slip up and admit something.

  “I doubt that very much if his car skills are like mine.”

  Grants lips twitch at a smile but he lets it go and I get back to my schmoozing.

  I don’t know how much time has passed, my eyes averted from the race when I feel arms wrap tight around my waist. Looking down, I see the blue of Freddy’s race suit and breathe such a sigh of relief I can’t speak for a long, long moment. A kiss under my ear and a chuckle, sets my heart racing.

  Ignoring the old bugger I’m talking to, I turn in Freddy’s arms and reach onto tiptoes so I can kiss him on the mouth. “Thank you,” I say, not breaking my lips from his.

  “What for?” The warmth generating from his body is setting my own on a path to combustion.

  “For not crashing, being consumed with flames and making me sit in a hospital for five months.”

&nbs
p; "Well then, that’s my pleasure.” His mouth comes back on mine and we perform some seriously inappropriate snogging in front of an old person.

  The old guy has wandered off when I finally open my eyes again and look up into Freddy’s dancing blues.

  "So, aren’t you going to ask me where I came in?”

  “Yes.”

  “Second.” He pecks my lips again and I show my appreciation by grabbing hold of his face with my hands and holding him still while I kiss his face off. Freddy-Snog-Your-Face-Off-Bale, that’s what I used to call him. The blocked memory nearly knocks me off my feet.

  "Well, don’t you want to know what I’ve been doing, while you’ve been wasting time in your car?”

  "Wasting time! How rude.” He chuckles and slides his arm around my back, guiding me through the throng of people. He nods and waves to well wishers who acknowledge him, and it’s a bit like being out with a minor celebrity. I never got to see this bit before because we were too busy watching Freddy get air lifted to hospital.

  “I’ve been selling your cars. We’ve got two people coming this week to see them at the garage.”

  “We?”

  “Yes, we. I will need to be there, obviously, to make sure the sales goes through.”

  “Yes, Ma’am."

  “Also, I have a question for you.”

  “What?” He looks hesitant.

  “Would you like to stay at mine tonight?”

  I watch as my words register, understanding dawns on his face followed by an absolute killer smile. “Did you talk to Isaac?”

  “I did.” I’m grinning, too.

  “And?”

  “I think you’ve cracked the nod. I honestly believe we can do this, Freddy. This is our time.”

  He pulls me into his side and kisses me on the cheek. “It’s always been our time, I was just too much of a dick to realise it before.”

  And that, I just can’t argue with.

  BIRTHDAYS

  “Muuum! Muuum! Muuum!”