This Love

by Anna Bloom

  He twirls us out into the middle of the room, a soft hum reverberating from the base of his throat. He's singing that song again, the one my dad used to listen to when I was a child. I wonder if he ever sang it to my mum before her mental illness stole her from him. Tears prickle my eyes. “Amber?” Freddy calls me into the present.

  I offer a small sigh, my eyes shining as I look up at him. “This reminds me of my dad.”

  Freddy pulls me in tighter. “You know,” he murmurs into my hair. “I’m almost entirely sure that things can only go up from here.”

  “Is this some form of sexual reference?”

  Rolling his eyes, he snatches me back in closer. “No, well maybe, in a bit. What I'm trying to say is that I think that this Christmas is a turning point.”

  He's being serious so I sober my expression. “From what?”

  “From the past. So long as you don't leave me again.”

  "Well," I fire straight back. “So long as you don't make me leave again.”

  He leans down and kisses me. “That won't be a mistake I make twice, Amber.”

  “Freddy. Nothing could make me leave you now. Nothing.”

  “Good, come on, lets get a drink.” Our dance over, he drops me from his arms and bounds for the open plan kitchen and giant fridge that resides there. “Champagne?”

  “Champagne? Is it someone's birthday or something?”

  We hear a knock on the door just as Freddy fires the cork up into the depths of the ceiling.

  “Shit, the presents,” I screech as I launch myself towards the towering pile.

  Freddy grabs me back. “Don't worry, its just Danni and Grant.”

  I look at my wrapping mournfully. “What are they doing here?”

  “Amber! It's your birthday, have you forgotten over the years? You always spend your birthday with Danni.” I did, I spent all my time with her before I ran away like an idiot. “Also, look at what I've got.” He reaches into a random kitchen cupboard and pulls out a white piece of material.

  Grabbing it from him, I shake it out and then start to laugh. It's the T-shirt Danni got me for my eighteenth — on the front it says “My Boyfriends Hot.”

  “Where on earth did you get this from?”

  Freddy chuckles as he pulls it out of my grasp and drapes it over his chest. “I raided it from your bedroom after you left. Still true, hey!”

  “Give that here.” I yank it away from him and walk back into the lounge. The doorbell rings again, reminding us that we still have guests waiting outside in the cold.

  * * *

  Freddy and Isaac are playing the Xbox, as they have been for about three hours while I've battled the turkey. I'm not sure why I am in charge of feeding the Bale family Christmas lunch. Everyone knows that cooking isn't a life skill I ever learnt. I glance over at the boys, they are both sat cross-legged on the floor, their poses the exact replica, a mirror image of each other. The Xbox was Freddy's present to Isaac, the idea being the car game was something they could do together. I wasn't expecting them to rip it out the box and load it up and that would be the end of their participation in Christmas Day.

  I've got an hour until the Bale's arrive so I sneak off into the bedroom and pull one of mum's diaries out of the box under the bed. It's my favourite one, I'm about seven and whatever medication mum is taking at that time seems to be working. I can tell by the tone of her written words that she's happier than she had been for a long time. I flick to the Christmas entries, mum tells of how they've got me a bike for my birthday but the helmet and knee and elbow guards are in my Christmas stocking and they are wondering how they are going to keep me off the bike until the following day. I'm getting the impression from the diary entries that I was a headstrong child. I wonder if that was why mum panicked when I met Freddy at seventeen years old, because she knew that I was so determined I would just do what I wanted, regardless of any advice she had to give.

  Dad gave mum a silver chain that year that she describes as looking like a finely spun moonbeam. Maybe I inherited my ability to write from her, I just never knew it.

  “What you doing?” Freddy pokes his head through the door.

  I smile up at him, happiness radiating out of me. Despite the turkey duty, this is shaping up to be one of the best Christmases I've had. “Spending time with my mum.”

  I let a short blast of breath out of my mouth, it whistles between my teeth. I wish I could spend time with my mum, wish I could ask her why she kept this huge secret from me.

  Freddy walks into the room despite the fact we can both hear Isaac calling him from the sitting area, telling him it's his turn to play. “You okay?”

  I nod slowly. “Yeah, it's just frustrating you know? Not knowing why she didn't tell me. It's such a huge secret for her and dad to keep, and knowing it now makes me understand my childhood much better. I wonder how different it could have been if I'd known.”

  “Don't you think maybe she didn't tell you because she didn't want you to have your life effected by her illness?”

  “My life was affected by it.”

  We both sit and contemplate my words until I finally shake it off and snap the book shut. “Anyway, come on, it's Christmas and its way past time for a drink. You guys can switch that game off now.”

  “Oh,” Freddy grabs me and pulls me in for a kiss. “I was just winning, can't we play for another five minutes?”

  I shake my head and start to giggle. "No, Freddy, your five minutes always turns into ten minutes, which turns into half an hour."

  “But it's not fair.” His eyes dance, inviting me to dive in and drown in contentment.

  “Life's not fair, Fred, deal with it.”

  With a hearty smack of his arse, I walk back out to find Isaac scoffing chocolate. “Nooo!” I shout. "You won't eat your dinner."

  Isaac grins a wicked smile at me and it looks very familiar. “I know, that's why I'm eating loads of chocolate.”

  By the time the Bales arrive laden with presents and pulling the bitter cold air in with them, I've got dinner pretty much perfected. It looks great, I can't guarantee it will taste as good at it looks.

  After kissing, hugging, and drink giving, we settle down for present exchanging. Mai has brought us all cheesy Christmas jumpers and Isaac and Bailey look in horror at theirs when they open them. “Wear them and I'll let you play your new game.” I bribe. They both have them on in less than five seconds. “After dinner.” I add, which makes them both groan and flop about in that practice teenager thing they have going on.

  “Excellent parenting,” says a gruff voice behind me and I turn to find Charles Bale watching me with an amused expression on his face

  “I practice hard,” I smirk.

  Charles takes a step closer. “How are you doing, Amber?” The way he emphasises the word you makes it clear he doesn't mean how am I doing in the kitchen with a twenty five pound bird.

  “I’m okay,” I shrug, turning and grabbing some wine glasses filled with crisp Chablis off the table. I offer one to Charles, who takes it and looks at it dubiously. He's more of cold beer man. “It won't poison you,” I tease.

  Taking a tentative sip, he keeps his keen gaze on me. “Fred tells me you found some of your mum's things? How are you really coping, Amber?” I always find it amusing when people say this because everyone knows that Mum and I didn't get on. The even funnier thing is that now, now I'm reading her words, I feel like we are getting on better than we ever did.

  “I did, it's helping a lot. So many things are starting to make sense.” He nods understandingly.

  “She really took your dad's death hard. I knew your mum a long time, since school, but after he went, that was it, something snapped.”

  “You've known her since school?” Why don't people tell me these things?

  “Yep. Listen, Amber, there is something that I need to tell you, and I don't want to ruin Christmas Day but I can't stop thinking about it.”

  My heart rate spikes with alarm and a prick
le of concern makes the hair on my arms stand on end.

  “Okay.” My tone holds a steady note of warning. Please don't ruin my perfect Christmas.

  Charles takes a deep intake of air, holding it in his puffed out cheeks. “It was me who suggested that the GP track you down and tell you how bad your mum was.”

  My mouth pops open. “What?”

  He shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot. “You'd already lost one parent without spending any time with him. But I must admit, I did have selfish reasons for doing it as well.”

  I can just about get my mouth to work to ask. "Yeah, what was that?"

  “That. I wanted to see that again.” He nods his head, indicating the other side of the room. I glance in the same direction and find Freddy leaning against the kitchen counter, his blue jumper sleeves pushed up to the elbow and his legs crossed at the ankle as he laughs with Grant, a glass of wine swishing in his hand.

  “Are you cross?” Charles speaks low so no one else can hear.

  I'm still watching Freddy with a smile on my face. Isaac has wheedled his way over with a bottle of coke, Freddy laughs and turns his back so I can't see him pour Isaac a pint glass of the stuff.

  “No, I'm not cross.” I grab Charles in a tight hug. “I’m not cross at all.”

  We are sitting down for dinner, all of us crammed around the table when Freddy taps his knife against his glass and makes a distinctive throat clearing noise.

  “Just a quick word before you all start to scoff yourselves with Amber's hopefully cooked food.” Isaac snorts and I flush, screwing my face up at Freddy. "I just wanted to say thank you all for coming and for your support over the last few weeks, I can speak for Amber when I say how thankful we are for the help of the family.”

  My eyes sting at the word, family. It's a good sting though.

  Freddy starts to look a bit uncomfortable, and I'm thinking he's run out of words to say. He continues before I get the chance to fill the gap. “So, I'd like you to raise your glass to new beginnings, for our new beginning, Amber, Isaac and I, it's delayed but completely worth waiting for.” His eyes turn to mine and they shine as bright as the sun dancing on the very tip of the ocean. Leaning down he plants a tender kiss on my mouth and my whole being hums with happiness. There is silence around the table, dead silence, all eyes are intent and on me.

  Embarrassed, I look down at my plate, and there waiting for me to find it is a small red box, a brass clasp holding it shut. A loud thudding starts to reverberate out of my chest and my mouth goes so dry I can barely swallow.

  “What's this?” Even my voice is shaking.

  “It's for when you are ready.”

  With shaking hands, I pick the tiny box up in my hand, the texture of the leather casing rubs against my fingers. With a snap of the clasp, I take a peek at the contents, a gasp escapes out of my lips.

  Inside, nestled on dark cream velvet, is a slim, white gold band sparkling with diamonds. They shine like the flecks in Freddy's eyes. I breathe in through my nose, out through my mouth. In through my nose, out through my mouth. Keep breathing, Amber.

  “Is this an engagement ring, Freddy?” I turn my shocked gaze onto him.

  He grins wide. “Nope, we are way passed that, this is for an eternity.”

  His fingers pluck the ring from its box and he leans down to kiss me as he slips it along my ring finger. Closing my eyes, I kiss him back and contemplate an eternity with Freddy Bale.

  UNRAVELLING

  “Isaac!” I holler from the kitchen. I'm pretty damn sure he can hear me in his room because it's not that far away. "Isaac, we're going to be late." I march across to his door and rap my fingers against it. He's been in there sulking since yesterday afternoon when I had to pick him up from school early because he was excluded for the rest of the day for fighting.

  There is still no answer so I twist the doorknob and let myself in. “What are you doing?”

  He's on his bed, hands behind his head, ankles crossed and staring at the ceiling. There isn't much for him to do because I've taken away all his games and gadgets, but there are still these old fashioned things called books he could pick up if he wanted.

  Freddy wanted to do the whole softly talking thing, but I wont have my child fighting so I took the hard line. Isaac looked at us with contempt, as we talked about it in hushed tones, trying not to let our conflict show.

  “Isaac, I know you're cross but we have to be at that race.” I start to lose my temper. “Actually, Isaac, it should be me that's cross, but here I am trying to get you out for the day.”

  “No, mum.” His voice drips with sardonic hatred that he's been directing towards me for the last two weeks, around the time the fighting, squabbling, and general appalling behaviour started. “You have to be at that race, the Bale family have to be at that race, and I'm not part of that, am I?” This is an outright challenge, I can tell by the tone. The only other challenge he's ever placed at my feet was the time when he told me that he really didn't like Weetabix and if I gave it to him one more time he was going to pour it over my head. I gave it to him one more time out of principle.

  “Well you're my son, and Freddy is, well he's my . . .” I trail off here, not sure how to quantify the forever status that binds Freddy and I together.

  “He's your what?”

  “Boyfriend. Why are you being like this? I thought you liked Freddy, liked doing the car thing?” I sit on the edge of the bed and attempt to soften my tone.

  This has been building since Christmas, since Ring-gate. I know I was surprised, and at the time, Isaac seemed kind of pleased, surprised as well, but adjusting to the idea. I run the inside of my little finger along the ring, a constant reminder that its there for an eternity.

  “Yes, mum. But he's not anything to me, is he?” He ignores my question and let’s loose one of his own. I should point out the semantics of the situation that it's rude to answer a question with a question but I'm too intent on his words and his tone.

  “Isaac, what is this about?” I demand again.

  He kicks his legs into the mattress. “Nothing. Come on, let’s go if it's going to get you off my back.”

  I let out a gasp of shock. “Don't ever talk to me like that, I'm your mother and I deserve respect.”

  Isaac just raises his eyebrows and pushes past me.

  He's still two years away from being a teenager, what delights do I still have to live for?

  At the track, he stalks away from me, finding a dim corner to lurk in. The dark looks he shoots me tells me that whatever is playing on his mind hasn't appeased on the journey here. Across the room I spy Mai and Henry. Mai waves at me so I wander in their direction, hoping that Henry would have disappeared before I get there. No such luck.

  Henry greets me with a smug smile. “So, I hear there were issues at school yesterday?”

  Mai smacks him hard across the stomach.

  “No,” I reply tartly.

  Henry laughs and claps his hand onto my back. “It's okay, Amber. Isaac wouldn't be a normal child if he didn't find the situation of the last few months too much to deal with. And dealing he is clearly not.”

  I start to feel very hot under the collar. “What are you implying, Henry?” You total arse.

  “Just that I think your expectations of having Isaac accept your move here, your relationship with Freddy, and now the living with him forever situation may have been a bit much.”

  “Whatever happened yesterday at school has got nothing to do with that,” I state firmly, my anger simmering just below the surface.

  “How do you know, did Isaac tell you?” Henry lifts an eyebrow and I swear I'm going to punch him.

  “Stay out of my business, Henry,” I seethe.

  “No, not when it drags my son into it as well.” With his words, he spins and walks away, instantly lightening his voice to call out to people he knows.

  I turn to Mai. “Is that what you want as well, for Isaac to stay away from Bailey?”

  Mai
reaches a reassuring hand for me and places it on my arm. “No, not at all. Bailey misses having Isaac around.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, now that Isaac doesn't spend time with Bailey anymore, it's left him at a bit of a loose end. Not to worry, I'm sure it will sort itself out.”

  I try and make sense of what she's saying. “What do you mean not seeing Bailey, Isaac was at yours the day before last?”

  Mai looks at me in confusion. “No, Amber. Isaac hasn't been around for two weeks.”

  My eyes sweep over the spectators until I find Isaac still leaning against a wall. “Excuse me,” I say to Mai, already weaving my way through the crowd.

  “You are coming with me,” I state as soon as I am in speaking, not shouting, distance.

  “Don't you want to watch the big race?”

  Freddy will be in the car by now, too late for me to wish him luck anyhow. “No. Come on.”

  I grab hold of his hand, keeping my grasp firm as I lead us to the exit. Once there, I take big lungful’s of air, trying to calm myself down. I never thought Isaac would lie to me.

  “Where were you the day before last?”

  The cogs in his brain actively whirl. “At Bailey's.” He shrugs.

  “Liar. You weren’t there, his mum just told me. Where were you?”

  He looks shocked that I've called him a liar and I know the word will resound in my brain for the rest of the day, but my shock at finding out he's been lying to me about where he is has knocked all sense of propriety at me.

  “Where were you, Isaac? You are nine years old, you can’t be out somewhere by yourself without Freddy or me knowing. What if something happened to you, what if you were in an accident, what if someone took you and I didn't know?”

  “I don't have to tell you anything, and I definitely don't have to tell Freddy.”

  “Yes, you do.” I can feel my face burning bright red.

  “What, Mum? Am I just expected to accept another dad, without question? How many more men are you going to make me live with on your quest to find real love?”