THE TYNESIDE SAGAS: Box set of three dramatic and emotional stories: A Handful of Stars, Chasing the Dream and For Love & Glory

by Janet MacLeod Trotter

  ‘Well, maybe I have!’ Jack replied, stung by her bluntness. ‘Maybe I did love you once. But you never returned it. You told me at the time you felt nothing for me, so why are you angry with me now?’

  Jo saw the looks of accusation that flashed between them.

  ‘For goodness sake!’ she cried. ‘Why are you still fighting? It’s obvious you both care deeply for each other − any fool but you two can see that!’

  ‘Your father doesn’t love me,’ Pearl said bitterly. ‘He’s never dared to love me since Joy and Gloria died.’ She glared at Jack. ‘To love me would’ve been disloyal to the wonderful Gloria, wouldn’t it?’

  ‘Of course he loves you!’ Jo intervened. ‘I know − I lived with him long enough. The excitement when a postcard came from you, the preparations for you coming home. He was always like a cat on hot bricks. Me and Colin never doubted he loved you. We all knew.’

  Suddenly Mark backed her up. ‘It’s true; I used to love coming round your house when you were home from sea,’ he told Pearl. ‘It was like being with a proper family − you all got on together, loved each other.’ He flushed as he added, ‘I used to imagine you and Jack were me real mam and dad.’

  Pearl pressed her hand to her mouth to smother a sob. Jo felt a lump form in her throat at the memory of the lively young Mark forever at their door, yet they had never guessed at his loneliness and deep longing. She turned to her father and challenged him with her look.

  ‘Tell her, Dad,’ she urged. ‘Tell her how you felt − how you still feel. Don’t lie about this!’

  For a moment Jack said nothing as he struggled to compose himself. Jo thought he was still too angry to speak. Then he stood up and went across to Pearl.

  ‘I love you.’ He forced out the words. ‘I’ve always loved you.’ His eyes swam with tears. ‘But you’re right, I’ve always been too afraid to let it show. I believed for so long that I didn’t deserve to be happy after what I’d done. I could pretend I didn’t know how you felt about me, but it wouldn’t be true. At first, maybe, I thought you didn’t care. But over the years I grew to know it; the way you loved the bairns, the things you’ve done for me, the way you’ve kept me going after Colin was killed...I haven’t deserved it−’ He broke off.

  Swiftly, Pearl put out a hand and reached for him. At once they were in each other’s arms, holding on tightly. Pearl cried with relief, while Jack kept repeating, ‘I’m sorry, forgive me, please forgive me!’

  ‘I do!’ Pearl wept happily.

  ‘Promise you won’t leave me?’ Jack whispered hoarsely.

  ‘Promise,’ Pearl said, and kissed him on the lips for the first time since that distant night in Blackpool, dissolving the hurt between them.

  Jo forced back her own tears which threatened to spill over. She glanced at Mark, still smiling. They exchanged looks and she saw that his haunted dark eyes were glistening with emotion too. She wondered what he was thinking, but could not read his pensive expression.

  Mark stood up quietly. ‘I’ll go,’ he said softly, already making for the door. Pearl and Jack hardly seemed to notice, so Jo followed him out into the hallway.

  He turned at the front door and they looked at each other awkwardly.

  ‘So we both have to come to terms with our pasts,’ Jo murmured.

  Mark nodded. ‘Suppose so. I’m glad things look like they’re working out for Jack and Pearl. If anyone deserves happiness, it’s those two.’ He reached for the door.

  ‘And what about you Mark?’ Jo challenged. ‘What are you going to do about your future?’ She wasn’t sure why, but suddenly she needed to know. Seeing her father and aunt reconcile their differences and express their feelings after so long had stirred up some of her old feelings for Mark. She cared what happened to him.

  He looked at her hard. ‘I have to work out if I’ve got a future,’ he answered in a low voice. He hesitated. ‘Seeing Pearl and Jack making it up between them − well, it makes me think I might be able to an’ all. Maybe I haven’t tried hard enough.’

  ‘Oh?’ asked Jo, holding her breath. Her pulse was beginning to quicken.

  ‘I need to get me head together first,’ Mark said, looking embarrassed. ‘But I’m going to see if me and Brenda − you know − can give it another go.’

  Jo nodded, but inside she felt strangely empty at his reply.

  ‘Of course.’ She smiled in encouragement. ‘Good luck.’

  Then he was gone through the door and out of the building, without glancing back.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Jo spent October throwing herself into as many projects as possible. She was working in schools, rehearsing a small part in a pantomime at Alan’s theatre and at weekends taking off to Greenham Common to give support to the women’s peace camp protesting against the proposed siting of US Cruise missiles.

  ‘I feel I have to do something,’ she told Alan when she first decided to go. ‘Sometimes I get these huge feelings of powerlessness − like nothing I do will ever count for anything. It’s frightening what they’re doing; it’s more likely to provoke war with the Soviet Union than stop it.’

  ‘I quite agree,’ Alan encouraged. ‘I think you should go. It’ll help you move on. And it’s something positive you can do in Colin’s memory − make sure other people’s brothers aren’t sacrificed to imperialist wars.’

  ‘Maya said she’d come with me,’ Jo smiled, glad of his support.

  ‘Really?’ Alan sounded surprised. ‘Didn’t think she’d be the type to camp out.’

  ‘It’s hardly just a camping trip,’ Jo said. ‘Anyway, she’s arranged to meet up with her sister; Susie’s already got a tent there, we just have to bring sleeping bags.’

  Alan kissed her. ‘Sounds cosy,’ he grinned, ‘wish I could come.’

  ‘Well, you can’t,’ Jo smiled. ‘We’re not going to let the men hijack our protest.’

  Her father was less sure. ‘I don’t want you getting yourself arrested or anything daft,’ Jack fretted. ‘Why do you have to go?’

  ‘I’m doing this for Colin and Skippy,’ Jo tried to explain. ‘They’re victims of war. We want to make sure there won’t be any others.’

  ‘You’ll never stop people fighting,’ Jack was sceptical. ‘We’ll always need weapons and soldiers to protect us.’

  ‘We have to start somewhere,’ Jo replied. ‘Some country has to be brave enough to make a stand. We want nothing less than world peace.’

  Jack shook his head and sighed. ‘Colin wouldn’t have agreed with you. He believed in protecting his own kind first and foremost.’

  ‘Oh Dad! That’s the morality of the caveman. Anyway, none of us know what Colin would’ve thought,’ she added bitterly. ‘He might have come home a raving pacifist after seeing real combat − like half the Great War veterans did. Look at Mark! He’s a mental wreck. He doesn’t believe in anything anymore. Ask him if he thinks what he went through was worth it!’ She glared at her father, hurt by his rejection of what she was doing. ‘All I know is that my brother was robbed of the best part of his life, because of some senseless war the other side of the world. And that’s what I’m going to Greenham Common to protest about.’

  She had not given him a chance to answer back or talk about anything else, for she had slammed out of the flat and kept away. She spent her days in a state of semi-rage that goaded her on to work relentlessly. More and more her mind was filled with thoughts of war and death. The further the Falklands War receded, the more she seemed to think of it. At times, in the middle of a workshop or rehearsal, she would be seized with a sense of panic about the world and about the future. Anxiety gnawed away at her insides and robbed her of sleep. The only way she could keep her dark thoughts at bay was to work, to keep on the move and not to stop for a minute.

  Jo found herself most at peace among the campaigners keeping vigil at Greenham US Air Force base. There she enjoyed the companionship of shared meals around the campfire and warm friendship from complete strangers who did no
t question her motives or demand anything more than the snatched days she could offer. If she could not sleep there was always someone awake with whom she could talk.

  After Jo had returned to Newcastle one weekend, the honours list for Falkland veterans was published and Pearl rang her up in excitement. ‘Mark’s been awarded the Distinguished Service Medal. Listen to this: “…for courage, steadfastness and total disregard for his own safety.” Isn’t that grand? Brenda’s over the moon, her mam says.’

  Jo felt a twisting in her stomach. ‘Aye. What does Mark think?’

  ‘I’m sure he’ll be pleased,’ Pearl said, sounding less sure. ‘We haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks. He and Brenda have moved in with Gordon while they look around for their own place.’

  ‘Gordon?’ Jo repeated in astonishment.

  ‘Yes, he’s being very supportive since all that business came out about Ivy and Hassan. Matty’s not speaking to anyone, according to Norma. But if it brings Mark and Gordon closer together, that’s something at least.’

  ‘Yes, it is,’ Jo agreed, still flabbergasted by the thought of Gordon and Mark choosing to live under the same roof. ‘Ivy will be pleased at that.’

  ‘So when are we going to see you?’ Pearl asked.

  ‘I’m very busy just now,’ Jo said evasively.

  ‘You’re not staying away because of that silly tiff with your father?’ Pearl questioned bluntly.

  Jo flushed but denied it. ‘I’m travelling around the area a lot this month and spending the weekends at the peace camp. But I’ll be there when you go into hospital, Auntie Pearl.’

  ‘It’ll be grand to see you whenever you can manage,’ she answered.

  The next day, after work, Jo caught a glimpse of the triumphal Victory Parade through London that the Government had organised to coincide with Columbus Day. She watched Thatcher take the salute beside the Lord Mayor as rank after rank of Army, Navy and Air Force filed past. The commentator was describing the luncheon in the Guildhall that followed. Jo quickly switched it off before Alan came in, and sat down feeling suddenly depressed by the sight of all the pomp and regimental splendour. It was so easy to be caught up in the pageantry and forget what the reality of the war in the Falklands must have been like.

  ‘They weren’t wheeling on the maimed ones like Mark at their great parade, were they?’ she fumed to Alan later. ‘That’s what war really boils down to − dead brothers and burnt corpses and young men with scarred memories.’

  ‘Okay, okay,’ Alan replied with an impatient sigh, ‘You don’t have to go on. You’re preaching to the converted, remember? Can’t you just drop the subject for one evening? I thought we could go out and see a film. I still haven’t seen Sophie’s Choice with Meryl Streep. Fancy going?’

  Jo was eventually persuaded, but the evening was a disaster. She got very upset at the flashbacks to the Second World War and the Nazis and cried uncontrollably for an hour after the film had ended. She slept badly that night, her mind continually dwelling on the tragedy of the film, and Alan ended up sleeping in the spare bed, complaining at her restlessness and her keeping the light on to read.

  ‘I think you should go and see the doctor,’ he told her the next day. ‘Get something to help you sleep.’

  ‘I don’t need drugs,’ Jo snapped at him. ‘I just want peace of mind and I can’t get it around here!’ The words were blurted out before she had consciously thought of them.

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Alan asked irritably.

  Jo sighed. ‘I’m sorry. I seem to have no patience with anyone these days.’ She looked at him helplessly with dark-ringed eyes. ‘I think I need to get away for a bit. Maybe I’ll spend the whole of half-term at the camp…’

  Alan’s mouth drew into a tight line.

  ‘I know we’d thought of going to Scotland for a couple of days,’ Jo remembered guiltily, ‘but I don’t think I’d be very good company in my present frame of mind, do you?’

  ‘No,’ Alan agreed, turning away to fill the coffee pot. ‘You do what you want. We’re not joined at the hip.’

  Jo said nothing more, knowing that when she had offended him it was best just to keep quiet and not make it worse. She went off the following weekend and stayed away all week. The only reason she came back was to visit Pearl in hospital, for her aunt had her operation at the end of October.

  Pearl looked tired and her face was lined with pain on the first visit, but the next evening she was brighter and sitting propped up in bed. Jack was there, and Jo went over and gave him an awkward kiss on the cheek. She hadn’t seen him since their disagreement weeks ago, but he smiled as if nothing had happened and said he was pleased to see her.

  ‘I’ll be in hospital till the end of the week,’ Pearl told Jo.

  ‘I’ve got two of the others to cover me workshops in November, so I can help nurse you when you get home,’ Jo replied brightly.

  Pearl glanced at Jack and he nodded. Her aunt stretched out a hand to her. ‘That’s canny of you, Joanne, but you shouldn’t have cancelled your work.’

  ‘No, I don’t mind,’ Jo smiled. ‘I want to be able to help. It’ll make me feel I’m doing something useful.’

  Pearl looked embarrassed. ‘The thing is − well − it’s not necessary.’

  Jo said, puzzled, ‘But I thought you wouldn’t be able to do anything for six weeks? And the doctor said you’d probably have to take it easy for the next six months.’

  Pearl nodded and threw a beseeching look at Jack. He cleared his throat.

  ‘You see, pet,’ he said, his thin face flushing, ‘I’m going to look after Pearl when she gets out. She’s going to move into my flat.’

  Jo felt herself blushing too at his bashfulness. ‘Oh, I see. W-will you manage?’ she stammered.

  Jack grinned. ‘Course I will. I’ve spent a canny few years looking after others, haven’t I?’

  ‘Aye, you have,’ Jo admitted. ‘Well…’ She was at a loss as to what to say.

  Pearl spoke. ‘Your father’s never one to explain things clearly,’ she laughed weakly, and then winced and put her hand on her body. ‘Oh, me stitches!’

  ‘You all right?’ Jack sprang from the chair.

  ‘Tell her, Jack,’ Pearl urged, ‘tell her properly.’

  Jack faced Jo. ‘Your aunt has not just agreed to live with me. I’ve asked her to marry me and she’s said yes. We’re planning to get wed in the spring, when she’s feeling better.’

  ‘Aye, when I can get round the shops for a decent outfit,’ Pearl smiled.

  Jo leaned forward and gave Pearl a hug. ‘That’s fantastic!’ she cried, feeling suddenly tearful. ‘Congratulations − it’s about time!’ She turned to her father and threw her arms around his neck and kissed him too. ‘I hoped this might happen − after everything came out…’ They grinned at each other.

  ‘You’re pleased then?’ Jack asked for reassurance.

  ‘Course I am,’ Jo said, hugging him again. ‘Do I get to be bridesmaid or best woman?’ she teased.

  ‘Both if you want,’ Pearl laughed, and then closed her eyes in pain.

  Jo looked at her father. ‘Colin would’ve been that chuffed,’ she said, her eyes swimming with tears. ‘At least we’ll have a family wedding after all −’ She broke off, unable to speak, her mind filling with images of Marilyn waving frantically to Colin on the dockside. She had been bubbling with happiness at the thought of them marrying at last. Now her oldest friend had moved away from Tyneside and was teaching in London, trying to start a new life. Jo had not seen her in two months and her letters asking her to meet up at Greenham Common had gone unanswered.

  Then Jack had his arms around her and was hugging her in sympathy. ‘I know, pet. It’s hard for us all. But having you there with us on the day − it’s all Pearl and I could ask for.’

  ‘Thanks, Dad,’ Jo whispered in gratitude.

  ***

  At first, Jo was buoyed up by the good news and Alan seemed genuinely pleased at the news of
the engagement.

  ‘Good to see them moving on, getting it together at last,’ he commented, opening a bottle of red wine to celebrate.

  A few weeks previously, Jo would have railed that no one could move on from the death of someone as close as Colin, but she said nothing. She knew that keeping her thoughts to herself was the way Alan wanted it. As long as she steered clear of the subject of the Falklands, he was happy and things were good between them. He was already looking ahead to next year, talking about going back to Spain.

  ‘We could go away after your dad’s wedding,’ he suggested. ‘Things are bound to be a bit flat once it’s all over.’

  Jo just nodded. It suddenly dawned on her that she did not want to think about the wedding and having to be cheerful when inside she felt she was dying a little bit more each day. So she listened to his day-dreaming with half her attention and thought impatiently of getting away south again. For as the days wore on and Pearl came out of hospital, she felt more alone. Jack and Pearl at last had each other, and Jo had a month off with nothing much to do but her bit part in Alan’s pantomime. Deep down she admitted she was hurt that they did not need her to help out. She did not want to hang around Newcastle with not enough to do and risked Alan’s temper by pulling out of the pantomime.

  ‘Honestly, Jo! I thought you needed the work?’ he said in exasperation. ‘There are scores of actors out there who would give their eye-teeth…’

  ‘Then you won’t find it hard to replace me,’ Jo answered irritably.

  ‘Well, just don’t expect any favours from me again, if you can’t be reliable,’ he criticised, as if scolding an irresponsible child. She felt indignant at the suggestion that the only reason she got the part was because of her relationship with Alan, but she did not care enough to keep on arguing about it.

  So she prepared to take off again for Greenham with a stock of thick clothing, thermal underwear and her sleeping bag. Maya declined to come this time and Jo suspected she did not want to become embroiled in her row with Alan. But she knew Susie would still be there.