Aphrodite's Workshop for Reluctant Lovers

by Marika Cobbold

  I send her a grateful smile.

  ‘Yeah, and the light wasn’t very good.’

  But Mother isn’t having any of it.

  ‘And what about me, eh? Of course I am mightier than your wretched arrows but it’s still going to be an effort, keeping away from John Sterling.’

  I have an idea.

  ‘So why don’t I just get her, Rebecca, when she’s next with the other bloke. As long as she’s in love again we’ve got a result, no?’

  ‘No. Have you not listened to a world I’ve said?’ She starts speaking really slowly and with emphasis like I was retarded or something. ‘This time it has to last. Lance Cooper is entirely wrong for her. They’re wrong for each other.’ She shoots me a mean glance. ‘Only an idiot would fail to see that. He’s weak and she’s strong. He’d end up resenting her and she’d despise him. And that would be just the start of it. No, Eros, I just think we have to face up to the fact that you’re not yet ready for a permanent place up here.’

  I try not to show them how upset I am. I have to blink really hard and open my eyes wide.

  ‘And don’t give me that insolent look,’ Mother says. She turns to Harmonia. ‘No, you can make all the excuse you like but the problem is he just doesn’t care, not about anything.’

  What’s the point? I really want to know what is the point? I never get a break. Mother like actually hates me right now. I suppose I can’t blame her. I did cock up big time – again.

  Rebecca

  OVER DINNER LANCE KEPT looking at me in that loving, yet puzzled, manner that he had displayed ever since he picked me up at Angie Bliss’s rooms. And I remembered the girl who, a little over twenty years ago, had got ready for an evening with the boy she thought she loved. I smiled to myself as I thought of how I had bleached my hair just because someone had told me Lance preferred blondes. I remembered it all: my hand trembling with delicious anticipation as I applied mascara, the feeling that life was beginning right then and that everything that had gone before had been a rehearsal. And I found myself wondering what our lives might have been like if we had got together that New Year’s Eve. Would we have married? Perhaps.

  And by now you’d be divorced, Coco said, which is a comforting thought as it shows that, when it comes to love, whichever path you choose you end up in the same place.

  Lance smiled across the table.

  ‘We didn’t even know each other that well when we were kids, but it’s been so easy just picking up where we left off.’

  ‘Not knowing each other that well, you mean?’

  It was meant as a joke but Lance flinched.

  ‘I meant the opposite, actually. I meant that it feels as if we …’

  I put my hand on his.

  ‘I know what you meant and I’m sorry, I was being facetious.’

  He looked up at me, holding my gaze with his, and I quickly withdrew my hand.

  ‘Time is as vulnerable to inflation as money,’ I said. We didn’t just get a whole bag of gobstoppers for our penny pocket money when we were kids but a serious chunk of living in the space of a few weeks as well. I suppose it means that when it comes to childhood friendships you just get more bang for your buck.’

  ‘I would hardly say we were children,’ Lance said.

  ‘No, perhaps not,’ I said, my attention wandering.

  ‘Penny for your thoughts,’ Lance said.

  ‘Work.’

  ‘You’re busy on a new book?’

  ‘No. That’s why I’m preoccupied. I’ve got an idea for a play but at the moment it’s not much more than that. I miss writing novels; without a book at the end of it all my days pass like so much waste floating by on its way down some universal plughole. It’s like recycling, I suppose: I need to recycle life into fiction and now I can’t and I’m all clogged up. And instead of trying to improve my miserable little mind in order for it to be able to create something other than love stories, instead of rereading the classics or taking a philosophy course, I watch soaps and shop for things I don’t need, like another handbag. This in turn makes me suspect that I lack depth.’

  To my surprise I realised that Lance was actually listening, his gaze fixed on me as intently as if he were attempting to catch each word with his eyeballs. When I paused he refilled our glasses. It was a warm evening and I downed the chilled white wine to quench my thirst.

  ‘I don’t see why handbags and philosophy should be mutually exclusive,’ Lance said.

  It was a nice thought. I tried it out.

  ‘Epicurus and handbags,’ I said. ‘OK, so the desire for another new handbag is natural but the bag is not necessary, although it seems that way to the woman in question. The ability of a certain handbag to offer us happiness does not lie in the handbag itself but in the circumstances we find ourselves in and the attitudes we have when we desire it. Thus, in the right circumstances and with a different attitude, a bag from Accessorize could bring as much pleasure as a bag from Prada, which means that the objects of our desire carry no intrinsic value but are simply a reflection of our state of mind.’

  Instead of looking bored, which he had every reason to do, Lance looked at me proudly as if I were his very own pet performing an especially clever trick.

  Still, I changed the subject.

  ‘What is your passion?’

  ‘I’m like you, I suppose, in that work is my main interest, that and sport. It’s always been rugby and cricket, but lately I’ve got more and more into motor sports.’ He paused for the briefest of moments. ‘And of course I really enjoy reading.’

  ‘Oh, what writers do you enjoy?’

  ‘Gosh, I’m hopeless with names but I do like a good thriller.’

  ‘Have you read Henning Mankell? Though I suppose he’s more crime than thriller.’

  ‘Well, I am definitely more of a thriller man.’

  I really didn’t mind that the conversation seemed to be going nowhere. In fact, I didn’t really care that much what Lance thought of me. He was good-looking and sweet and it was perfectly pleasant spending time with him. Yet not so long ago I would have seen him the way I used to see practically every man between the ages of thirty and seventy and in possession of their own teeth: as a potential love interest. Not any more. I was free. Free to be myself.

  Free to be both boring and bored, Coco said. That’s what I call progress.

  ‘You’re smiling,’ Lance said. He had a pleased, expectant look on his face.

  ‘I was thinking how nice it is just to sit here having dinner together, two old friends, nothing more, nothing less.’

  ‘Nothing more, nothing less: are you sure about that?’ He reached for my hand.

  I checked my watch and got to my feet.

  ‘Goodness, is that the time? We’d better find our seats.’

  Lance was hungry again so I asked him up to the flat. I made an omelette and put out cheese, biscuits and a bowl of grapes.

  ‘How many grapes count as one of your five a day?’ I asked him.

  ‘Probably about ten,’ he said.

  I poured us some more wine. Lance ate his omelette and then some cheese and biscuits, finishing off with a small bunch of grapes.

  ‘Have to get my five a day,’ he said.

  He walked around to my chair and pulled me to my feet and I realised he was about to kiss me.

  As we reached my bedroom, arms around each other’s waists, I thought that this was the difference between youth and middle-aged lust: middle-aged finished its supper first.

  He phoned me from work the next day.

  ‘And how are you this morning?’ His voice was conspiratorial and congratulatory both at once.

  ‘Very well, thank you.’

  ‘Last night was wonderful.’ He had lowered his voice and I could hear his breath against the receiver.

  I moved it a fraction from my ear. Then I realised that he was waiting for a reply. Thinking that an ‘It was fine’ most probably wasn’t the reply he was after, I settled for an indistinct mu
mble that could be thought of as agreement.

  ‘Are you free this evening?’

  ‘I’m not, actually.’ There were at least three TV programmes on that I wanted to watch.

  ‘How about Sunday lunch? We could drive out of London. There’s this great little pub I know just this side of Oxford.’

  The forecast was good. I wouldn’t have to cook.

  ‘That would be lovely,’ I told him.

  In the weeks that followed it was tempting to play along with the spring sunshine and the chirruping birds and act like a woman in love. We made a nice couple. We walked hand in hand, some of the time. We laughed at each other’s jokes. We enjoyed some of the same films and we liked a lot of the same kind of food. So what about the irritation that sat at the base of my chest? It threatened to spill over when he didn’t wring out the dishcloth and left it sopping wet in the sink, or when he made a joke with a waiter and then went on trying to explain even though the man clearly didn’t understand him. And today it had made me smack his hand away when he reached round from behind and pulled me close as I was standing by the kitchen table reading the paper.

  ‘What’s wrong with you?’ he complained. ‘You’re always grumpy these days. I thought we were having a good thing here.’

  I turned round and smiled and apologised.

  ‘I’m just worried about work, that’s all.’

  ‘You’re always worried about work.’

  ‘I know. I’m sorry. Let’s go out and eat.’

  ‘You’re not regretting us, are you?’

  ‘Of course not. It’s really good being relaxed in a relationship for once. To be two independent adults who enjoy spending time together without the dramas and the panting and the sighing and the losing weight and sleep. Anyway, shall I call and book a table?’

  ‘Let’s go to Paris,’ Lance said.

  ‘Paris?’

  He laughed and took my hands.

  ‘You know Paris? The city. The capital of France.’

  ‘Maybe not Paris,’ I said.

  ‘So what about Rome?’

  I thought of jasmine-scented nights and walks along the shady side of the street. I thought of pasta and red wine and late afternoons in bed and drives out to the ruins of Hadrian’s Villa. For some reason I wanted to cry.

  ‘Not Rome,’ I said.

  He looked surprised but he didn’t question me.

  ‘New York?’

  ‘Amsterdam,’ I said. I’ve never been to Amsterdam.’

  ‘OK. But it’s not the most romantic place, you know.’

  I did know.

  The next morning I woke to a soft caress with a rough finger on my cheek. I opened my eyes and saw Lance smiling down at me, a tray with coffee and croissants balanced on his other hand.

  ‘Good morning, darling,’ he said as I sat up, blinking and wondering what on earth I looked like in the unforgiving light. He placed the tray on my knees and perched down next to me. ‘I used to love my place but lately I don’t want to be there at all.’ He ruffled my hair. ‘I wonder why that is?’

  ‘But your place is lovely,’ I said. ‘Really, really lovely.’

  ‘Mmm.’ He bent down and kissed me. ‘But you’re not there.’

  I looked at the clock on the bedside table.

  ‘Oh look, it’s almost eight. You’ll be late for work.’

  He checked his watch and got to his feet slowly, as if he were being peeled away.

  ‘I don’t want to go,’ he said, pouting, reminding me of Dominic. ‘And I won’t see you tonight either – I’ve got that work thing.’

  I sat up straighter against the pillows.

  ‘I know, such a bore. Still, I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  Mentally I was mapping out my morning. Breakfast and the papers. A fast half-hour walk to clear my head and then work. Later in the day, and if work had gone well, I might see if Matilda or Maggie was free to go and see a film. I hadn’t seen either of them much since I had started meeting Lance and I missed them.

  He leant down and kissed me one more time. He was a good kisser.

  ‘I’ll get out of the dinner. Yup, that’s what I’ll do. Wasn’t there that Jane Austen film you wanted to see?’

  ‘Yes, but …’

  He put his finger on my lips.

  ‘No buts, I want to be with you.’

  ‘No.’

  Lance had been on his way to the door but now he stopped and turned round.

  ‘I thought you wanted to see it.’

  ‘I do.’

  He frowned.

  ‘So what’s the problem?’

  ‘I want to see it with Matilda,’ I said, sounding, I realised, like a truculent five-year-old.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘You’re going to be really late,’ I said.

  ‘I’m fine,’ he snapped. ‘Why don’t you want to see it with me? Aren’t we meant to be doing these things together?’

  ‘Of course. Sometimes.’

  He walked back to the bed and sat down. He took my hands, which I had made into claws, in his.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ he asked. ‘You seem out of sorts.’

  I pulled the claws from his grasp.

  ‘I’m not.’

  ‘Call me a romantic old fool,’ he said, smiling now, twinkling, in fact. ‘But I enjoy spending time with you. It’s what lovers do, remember?’

  I thought about it.

  ‘Yes, it is,’ I said.

  ‘Good.’ Once again he got to his feet and made for the door. ‘I’ll see you about six then.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Lance,’ I said, ‘I don’t think we should see each other again.’

  I listened to the front door banging shut and with a sigh of relief I lay back against the pillows.

  It’s nice, being just us, Coco said.

  It is, I agreed.

  Mount Olympus

  MOTHER IS BEING TOTALLY weird. She didn’t even mind when Rebecca went to bed with that other bloke. Which suited me in a way because it got me off the hook for a bit. But, and this is a big but, I think the reason she’s not pissed off is because she’s decided to have John Sterling for herself. I know, I know, it’s my fault. I’m the one who messed up. But she is Aphrodite. She should be able to rise above it. But no, she’s wafting around with this goofy smile last seen when she was hanging out with Adonis and we all know how that ended. So it looks like we’ve well and truly blown it, which really depresses me.

  Then just as I think it’s all over and that we’ve lost the bet with Athene I get some good news. Rebecca Finch has dumped the Lance guy. He’s pretty sore but he’s the type that heals fast so I don’t anticipate any real problems there.

  So I go and find Mother to try and make her see sense. I mean someone has to be mature around here.

  ‘Rebecca Finch has dumped him. So we’re back to plan A, right?’

  But she turns misty eyes on me and says, ‘Oh Lance will do. I’ll make sure they’re in the same place one more time and then you get her and everything will be fine.’

  ‘No.’ I slam down my bag of arrows on the marble. ‘We’ve been through all this. You said it yourself. The wager is about something else. We were going to get these two specific guys together and it would last and we would show everyone the power of love. That was the deal. I mean come on, this is about us getting back some respect.’ And about me getting my own seat at the table. But I don’t say that because I don’t think she really cares about that bit. ‘And it’s not like you have a future with John Sterling. He’s a mortal. You know the rules. I seriously can’t believe that you’re prepared to throw it all away for a fling. I can’t believe you’re that irresponsible.’

  Mother waves her hand in a dismissive kind of way. She doesn’t care. She is in lurve.

  ‘And isn’t that just typical of this place,’ she says instead. ‘Gods can love a mortal, no problem at all, but when it’s a goddess then it’s against the rules, verbo
ten. And whose rules are they? His, of course.’ She gesticulates towards the great hall.

  Has she no fear? I look around me but luckily there’s no one else there.

  ‘You’re meant to turn Rebecca back into a worshipful mortal, remember? Get her back to writing those lame books.’

  ‘Maybe she will now she’s in love.’

  ‘But she isn’t.’

  ‘Then shoot her when she’s with Lance Cooper, I’ve told you already.’

  ‘No! It’s not enough. Not this time. This time it’s meant to be different. You’re the one who said it. And you were right. They’re just not suited. He just pretends to like the same stuff as her.’

  ‘They all do that.’

  ‘Yes, and that’s one of the problems we’re always facing. And it goes deeper than that. They don’t get each other’s souls. So it would be short-term, again, and she’ll end up even more bitter and twisted than she is now. Just think what that’ll do to our credibility.’

  ‘Credibility-senility: it’s just a wager.’

  ‘Just a wager!’

  I despair, really I do. It’s like we’ve reached the end worse off than when we started. Mother will have zero respect, and me? Well, I’ll be on my own. I had set my heart on moving up here. I thought Mother quite liked the idea too. She’s never said as much but she’s not the demonstrative type, well, not with me anyway. But it seems she really doesn’t give a damn. She doesn’t give a damn because she’s got her sights on John stupid Sterling. I knew it, I knew there’d be trouble the first time I clamped eyes on him.

  And guess who has been listening after all, hovering behind a pillar? You’ve got it, Athene. Now she steps out of the shadow with this sickly smile; it’s so sweet I reckon it’ll stick to her teeth.

  ‘We should have known, shouldn’t we?’ she says, her voice all soft. ‘We should have known something like this would happen. But we shouldn’t blame you, Aphrodite dear. It’s in your nature, after all. Just like it’s in my nature to be wise.’ The smile drops like there’s weights attached to the corners of her mouth. ‘So there we are. I won.’ And she turns and glides off. I swear to you even her behind looks triumphant.