Blindness
Page 20
I see Cody lunge toward me, and I flinch when Jessie grabs him. He’s yelling at her, and then he says something that makes her slap him in the face—hard. She doesn’t give him anything more after that, and she’s marching back to me, reaching for my hand, while he stands in the distance behind her, his hand flat against the place where she struck him. When she gets to me, she whisks me around and finds the key to the front door.
“I know it’s hard, but don’t look at him. He doesn’t deserve you right now, and he needs to know what that feels like,” she says.
“What do you mean?” I say, part of me worried that something’s wrong—that Cody’s fallen into drugs, like Gabe once did.
“Charlie, please trust me on this, and just don’t…” she says, as she pushes the door open. I grab her arm, desperate to understand.
“He slept with Kyla tonight. They’ve been hanging out…since he saw her at the concert. And tonight they hooked up. And he’s bringing her to Thanksgiving,” she says, the sharp pain through my heart so foreign, so awful, but also answering the one question I’ve been struggling with since I moved into the Appleton house.
I’ve never really been in love before, and now that I am, I hope I never am again.
Chapter 14: Reasons to Be Thankful
I’m awake hours before Jessie. I sneak downstairs to brew myself a pot of coffee. It’s been days since I’ve slept an honest full night through, and if I’m going to drive to the airport today, I’m going to need to spike my energy.
The sun is long from rising, and the house is the same unnerving quiet that it always is. It’s like I live with ghosts—these fake people that pass through on special occasions. Jim is flying in Thanksgiving night, late, so I doubt Shelly will come out of her room at all today. Trevor says that she always hires a catering company to bring in Thanksgiving, and he told her how many people he was bringing with him, so she already knows how many plates to set.
I load the grounds into the machine and push the button, leaning forward to wait for the water to drip into the pot. It’s funny, I can’t sleep a wink with my head on my pillow, but with my chin propped atop my hands while I stand at the counter, I’m suddenly sleepy.
“You can’t sleep either?” Cody says, his voice caught between normal and a whisper.
I’m not surprised to hear him. I think somewhere inside me I thought—maybe hoped—that if I came down here, he’d find his way to me.
“No,” I say, keeping it short. I’m not really sure what I want to say to him, and I’m not sure I’m ready to be nice.
“Trevor coming in today?” he asks, accentuating Trevor’s name. I get it. He’s reminding me that I have no rights to him—that I’m the one that’s taken. And he’s right. But it doesn’t mean what he did with Kyla didn’t destroy me.
“Yes,” I say, still not turning to face him. I decide to keep the one-word answers up as long as I can; they seem to be keeping me out of trouble.
Cody chuckles lightly, and I hear one of the stools slide out. I shut my eyes, exhausted already from this conversation.
“Pour me a cup?” he asks.
“In a minute,” I say, already pissed at myself for breaking my own code. That was three words, two more than he deserves.
“I’ve got time,” he says. I pull a pair of mugs out from the cabinet and get the milk from the fridge. I turn to slide it over to Cody and realize he’s still wearing the same thing he was when I saw him last night in the driveway. The same clothes he wore to Kyla’s—I bet I can smell her on him, and just seeing the long-sleeved DC shirt is making me sick. I know I’m scowling, so I’m ready when he calls me on it.
“Wow, someone is super pissy today,” he says.
I just smile, a full-grinned fake one, teeth and all. “Why, not at all, Mr. Carmichael. I’m super peachy. I love waking up at five in the morning to have coffee in the dark, while I listen to some smug asshole talk about the hot piece of ass he got the night before,” I bite. Cody flinches at my statement, and I’m surprised at myself, but glad I affected him. I’m filing this away to share with Jessie later, hopeful she’ll be proud.
Cody’s getting back to his feet, and on instinct, I slide back into the counter so I can see him and escape if I need to. He walks around the island to the coffee pot and pushes the flashing button.
“Coffee’s done,” he says, his smile tight. He reaches for the pot and pours himself a cup. Then he reaches over and offers to pour one for me. I slide my cup at him, flippantly. He smirks and laughs softly, shaking his head while he pours.
“So tell me, little miss perfect…does Trevor pour your coffee for you? Or do you do all the work, waiting on him hand and foot, while he’s off playing powerful-lawyer-man?” Cody says as he reaches up and takes a long, noisy sip of his coffee.
I’m instantly hot with anger. He has no right bringing Trevor into this, especially given everything he’s done for Cody, is doing for Cody.
“I wouldn’t judge Trevor. He’s saving your ass, you know?” I spit back at him, holding my mug under my lips in both hands and blowing on the steaming liquid.
Cody nods at me, setting his coffee down and reaching for the milk now. “You’re right. It’s not Trevor’s fault you’re the way you are. Seems I’ve misjudged two people. Here I thought he was the asshole, and you were the princess. But turns out he’s a good guy and you’re just a…”
“A what?!” I say, leaning into him now, no longer afraid, and honestly ready for a fight.
He smiles with the corner of his mouth and raises his shoulders up to show his amusement. He’s getting to me and he knows it, and he’s thriving off of it.
“A what?! What am I?” I say, the quiet all gone. I’m yelling now, pushing my finger into his chest.
Cody puts his cup back down and pushes it away from him, then he leans in close to me, almost as if he’s about to kiss me, but instead stops short. “A bitch,” he says, his lips wrapping around every letter of the word—the flash of regret on his face is instantaneous, but too late all at the same time. He went too far, and I can’t stop my hand from hitting him just as hard as Jessie did the night before.
“Funny, if you think about it, Cody. You keep getting yourself slapped like this, you ought to look inside and see exactly what it is you’re doing wrong,” I say, my breathing hard and my hand stinging. “I think you should take your coffee to go.”
I leave the kitchen and leave him standing there in the dark. I’m barely around the corner when I run into Jessie’s arms. I collapse into them, the tears pouring from my face. I can hear her in my ear, and it’s the only thing keeping me attached to this world.
“Shhhhhhhh, let’s get upstairs. I heard it. I heard it all…you did good, and it’s going to be okay,” she says. I follow her back up to my bedroom and then I crawl into the shower where I sit on the floor and let the water hammer away at my back and head for the next hour.
By the time I get out of the shower and dress, Jessie is just coming back into my room. I look at her with suspicion.
“Yeah, yeah. I went to yell at him some more, so sue me,” she says, flipping her shoes off and collapsing back on my bed, her purple hair splayed in all different directions.
I can’t help but smile at her. I’ve never had a friend like her—I’ve never had a girlfriend, period—and having someone fight for me, help fight my battles? Well, it just makes the heartbreak more bearable.
“What’s that face for?” she says, her lips twisted and bothered.
“Nothin’,” I say, sitting next to her and smiling, “just…thanks. That’s all. Thanks.”
“Oh, it’s nothing,” she says. But I know it is. I know that Cody is her brother, and picking me—standing with me on this, isn’t easy.
“Yes, it is,” I smile at her, and she smiles back.
“So, when you picking up Trevor?” she asks, getting back to her feet and running her fingers through her hair. I walk into my bathroom and come out with a brush to toss to her.
“Nah. That’d be weird. I’m going to hang out. Cody said he’d give me a ride to the shop later. He’s meeting Gabe there to finish up a few things,” she says.
I raise one eyebrow at her, a little worried about her being alone in a car with Cody after the position I’ve put her in.
“What? You’re worried about me?” she says. “Please…I yell at that boy on a daily basis. Fucking up shit with you is just his latest dumb-ass move. And I know why he’s being such a jackass.”
I know, too. It’s because I’ve led him on, because I kissed him, and then I went and said yes to his brother’s proposal; because I freaked out like a jealous girlfriend when he went out with someone else—like I have any ownership rights over him at all. I’m almost shrinking as I think about my recent behavior. God, I’ve been so selfish.
“He can’t help it. He’s in love with you,” she says, as she grabs her purse and bag and steps through my bedroom door. When she realizes I’m not following her, she stops and turns to face me. “Oh, like you don’t know. Cody loves you. And you love him back. You two just have rotten timing. But you can’t marry Trevor—I don’t care how good he is. We’ll figure that part out later.”
She pushes her smile up into her dimples, and pats my shoulders as she turns to leave. “I’ll see you at Thanksgiving. I told Cody that if he was planning on bringing Kyla into this house that I was going to be here to referee—or take that bitch out myself. Make sure you set some extra plates for me and Gabe,” she shouts over her shoulder as the door closes behind her.
I sit there on the steps, stunned. Everything seems so obvious to Jessie, and I wonder if it’s that obvious to myself. I know how I feel—I’m done pretending. But I thought I was alone in this. And when I found out Cody was turning to Kyla, I was pretty sure my feelings were totally one-sided.
Grabbing my jacket, I peer out the front window to see if Cody’s out there. I see him in his garage, and he’s laughing, giving Jessie a hard time about something. She picks up one of his old T-shirts and throws it at him, and he ducks. I’m smiling watching them, wishing I were there, wishing I had the same comfort level with Cody that Jessie does.
In that moment, I realize just how right Jessie is—at least as far as my own feelings are concerned. I’m spying on him, too much of a coward to tell him how I feel, too fearful to be with them. But I don’t see the same reflected in Cody’s eyes. He doesn’t look upset; he doesn’t even look like what’s happening between him and me is of any consequence to him at all. I feel like a game, some toy he’s messing with in between moments of his life. And I’m not sure I can give up what I can count on—a life with Trevor—for the chance that one day I might be able to make Cody feel the same.
I watch the garage shut, and when I’m sure they are both inside, I head to my car and leave for the airport to pick up Trevor, willing myself to feel butterflies when I see him.
When we’re in the car on our way back to the house, I tell Trevor that Cody’s at the shop, and naturally, he insists we stop. He’s excited to show Cody everything he’s done, and my heart is twisted in all different directions because of it. Trevor’s always been driven, the guy everyone knows and respects. But his heart has grown over the last month, since he’s accepted the truth about his father, and about Cody. It makes me feel so cold and heartless when I think about how out-of-love I’ve fallen with him during that same time.
We stop at the garage, and I hang behind Trevor, not wanting to see Cody—or be seen. I’m thankful when I see Jessie sitting in the office, and I head in to talk with her unnoticed.
“So…that’s the fiancée?” she asks.
“Oh…yeah. That’s him. I forgot, you two haven’t met,” I say, knowing I should introduce them, but not ready or wanting to leave the confines of the office.
“Hmmmm, okay, so I guess it’s up to me then, huh?” she says, brushing off her hands and tucking the pencil behind her ear from her studies. “Relax, relax. I’ll go do my thing. Be right back.”
I smile at her, guiltily, but still not feeling badly enough to be a brave girl. I watch her through the office window as she walks right up to Trevor, shakes his hand, and proceeds to chat him up for the next 15 minutes. He’s laughing and smiling, and then she points over to the office once or twice. I’m scanning the garage for Cody, and I finally spot him behind the wheel of the Mustang, starting and stopping the engine while Gabe’s under the hood. He looks right at me when Jessie points for the final time, and I lock eyes with him.
His expression is nothingness. He’s not smiling, or scowling, or angry, or…anything at all. He’s just looking at me, looking through me, pushing up and down on the pedal while he revs the engine and waits for Gabe to shout, “Again!”
I can’t peel my eyes from him though, and it’s like we’re in some horrible game of chicken, because he’s not turning from me, either.
I only look away when Jessie busts back through the metal door and slides her body into mine on the sofa. “So, are we hiding in here? Is that the drill?” she says.
“Yes,” I say, biting my lip and waiting for her to yell at me.
“Okay, then. Well, the least you can do is help me. It’s an essay on ’20s literature. Start proofing,” she says, throwing a stack of papers at me. I’m a little surprised when I flip through the dozen or so pages she’s handed me.
“What?” she says, while I continue to sift through them and scratch my head.
“Oh, it’s just…seems like a big class,” I say, not wanting to say what I’m really thinking—that I didn’t take Jessie for someone who took real classes.
“Mmmmm, I get it. Purple hair. Poor. I must be stupid,” she says, and she looks back down at her books, clearly upset with me.
“Nooooo, no. It’s not that at all, it’s just…” I start, but I have nowhere else to go. “I just didn’t know you were so far along in your studies. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything.”
I’m holding my breath, hoping she’ll forgive me. There I go, taking my only friendship ever and throwing it out the window because I feel superior—I feel superior. What horseshit.
“Whatever. Just start reading. I need to get an A,” she smirks, and I feel the weight start to roll away.
I spend the next hour proofing Jessie’s paper, and I actually learn a lot. I’m so amazed at her ability to write, and I’m honestly a little jealous over it.
As much attention as I’m devoting to her words, I’m also dividing my time by listening through the door to Trevor and Cody talk. Cody walks into the office a few times, going behind the desk for papers, or books, and taking them out to Trevor. The phone rings a few times, too, and he rushes in to grab it.
“Jake’s,” he says every time someone calls, jamming the phone into the crook of his neck while he writes down notes in his appointment book. He’s scheduled four or five new vehicles since the time we’ve been here, each of them expensive, foreign cars, or old classics. This seems to be Cody’s specialty. I know it’s what impresses Trevor the most; he spent an hour bragging about Cody over the phone with me the other night. It was one of the conversations I actually listened to.
I’m chewing on the end of Jessie’s pen when I feel Trevor’s hand pull it slowly from my mouth. “Hey, miss editor. You must be reading something good. I’ve been calling your name for about 30 seconds,” he says, his smile perfect, like a Kennedy. Every time he smiles at me, I feel my insides slide south, knowing that one day—one day soon—I’ll have to hurt him.
“Sorry, it’s Jessie’s paper. It’s really good,” I smile. Jessie just throws a crumpled up paper at me—she doesn’t take compliments well. “I mean, it’s terrible. Good thing I’m reading it.”
“Exxxxaccctly,” she says, winking at me. I hand back her stack and stand to stretch my legs, w
hich are sore from sitting crisscrossed for the last hour.
“You about ready?” Trevor says, reaching up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. I almost flinch at his touch, but remind myself he’s doing his job, and hold my body steady and plaster on my smile.
“Yeah, just give me a sec. I have to go to the restroom first,” I say, walking backward toward the small hallway behind me.
Jessie starts asking Trevor questions, and I notice him pick up her paper and start to look through it, buying me time. I wind around the corner to the small bathrooms behind the garage. The space is tight, but the restrooms are surprisingly clean for a place run by men. I don’t really have to go. If anything, I’m probably dehydrated; I haven’t had anything to drink since my failed coffee attempt this morning. I just needed an escape.
I splash water on my face at the sink and let the warm water heat my hands for a minute or two. Another deep breath, and I feel ready to move on to what’s next—whatever that is.
I’m looking around the hall for a trash to throw my towel into when I feel Cody’s hand wrap around my wrist. He’s grabbing it tightly; on reflex, I start to jerk and pull away.
“Charlie, stop. I just want to talk…just for a minute,” he says, his voice a rough whisper.
He has me pinned in the corner, and I’m looking beyond him, worried that Trevor is seeing this. But we’re alone; I can still hear Jessie’s laugh in the distance, and I know she saw Cody follow me. She’ll distract him as long as we need.
“Charlie, I’m sorry,” Cody says, his eyes soft, sorrowful. He’s still holding my wrist, but I’ve completely relaxed it. I feel his hand slide softly around it until his fingers find mine, and he grabs onto them, pulling my hand up to his mouth. I’m watching with my lips parted open, knowing how wrong this all is, but fantasizing about forgiving him, kissing him, having him carry me off so he can strip me naked and take me.