Free Falling

by Lisa Gerkey

  ***

  Two weeks. Fourteen days since my sister told me I should give things a little time. The first half wasn’t so bad because Lord knows my body needed time to heal after everything I’d been through; the beatings from Jayson and then the accident.

  When I got out of bed this morning, nothing hurt, at least not physically. There’s a huge split down the center of my chest. I feel like I’ve been ripped open. The last few nights I’ve gotten nearly no sleep because every time I close my eyes, I only see Josh. I either need to find him and see if things can be mended between us, or I need to let go. I don’t know how to do that. Well, I do. Believe me, it’s taken more strength and willpower than I ever knew I had to keep from going to Pete’s Place. Without a doubt, I can find something there that will ease the memories.

  I’ve been so consumed with thoughts of Josh and our time together—it’s allowed only a fraction of time to dwell on the past too much. I can’t stop it all the time. A few nights I’ve crawled from bed at three o’clock in the morning and dragged myself into the shower to wash away the awful nightmares and the feelings they left behind.

  Jaycee’s due to give birth any minute now. I’ve taken up too much of hers and Grant’s time.

  I look in the mirror one last time. My hair is shiny, healthy. It hangs in loose curls around my shoulders and down my back. The red dress I’m wearing hugs all my curves. I think my breasts are even a little perkier now that I’ve put on a few extra pounds. Well, not really extra. I just no longer look like a starving child.

  I grab my purse and keys from the dresser. Today’s Josh’s brother, Jeff’s birthday. I heard Grant and my sister talking about how the guys were all getting together at a popular nightclub in the city to help him celebrate. I guess everyone feels terrible because he’s having a hard time dealing with the news of his awful mother. They’re going to try to cheer him up a little. They didn’t mention Josh. I know how much he loves his brother. I’m sure he’ll be there, too. Grant’s making an appearance, but he refuses to let Jaycee step foot outside of the house right now. I heard him tell her he’d be home in a couple of hours. She didn’t seem to mind. She said she’s going to bed early.

  “Kennedy…”

  Someone touches my shoulder and calls my name. It’s a long line to get in the restroom. I’ve been standing in the same spot for twenty minutes. More like ten, but still too long. I turn around to find a very pretty blonde woman standing behind me, along with Kat, Jeff’s girl.

  “The place is really booming tonight, huh?” I don’t know what to say, so I attempt small talk.

  “We saw you sitting alone at the bar. It’d be more fun if you’d come hang out with us. I’m Madison Beck. I’m good friends with Jaycee, and, of course, you already know Kat.”

  “I think coming here was a mistake.” I turn back around. The line’s finally moving. Two more in front of me, then I’ll have my turn.

  “He’ll be here tonight.”

  “Excuse me?” I turn around. Kat’s watching me intently.

  “Josh. He had a late appointment at the shop. He’s coming when he closes up. Should be here anytime.”

  “Okay…” I’m sure I’m doing a terrible job hiding my excitement. I don’t know if that’s the right word for what I’m feeling. Good or bad, at least maybe I’ll see him.

  “He’s miserable, you know?”

  I spin around to face the ladies behind me once more. “No. I don’t know. I know nothing because he hasn’t talked to me. I haven’t seen him since the night everything happened. He seemed pretty miserable, but apparently, it has nothing to do with me.”

  “Josh doesn’t talk about things the way some of us do. He bottles it up. He was in a mood for months. Hated everything. Wouldn’t talk to any of us. That was after he met you in Memphis. You did something to him, Kennedy.”

  “I did something to him?”

  “I don’t mean it in a bad way. That day the two of you came into the shop together, that’s the happiest I’ve ever seen Josh. Maybe if you talk to him…”

  Before I can answer, it’s my turn in the bathroom. I’m thankful for an excuse to get away from Madison and Kat. My thoughts and feelings are already all over the place, running wild. I didn’t need any more added to it.

  “Can I get another Cosmo, please? Extra vodka!” I shout over the loud noise so the bartender can hear me. It’s been awhile since I’ve had alcohol. The two drinks I’ve had so far are already going to my head. It’s a terrible idea. I knew the moment I slid my ass onto the barstool it was a stupid thing to do.

  The drinking makes me hunger for more. Something much more than I can get from the alcohol. I won’t. No matter how much I want the poison, I will stay planted to the barstool. I also won’t glance over my shoulder for the umpteenth time.

  He’s here. I didn’t need to see him. I felt Josh as the second he walked through the door. He looks different, but the same. Before, he had a mustache and a small beard, but his face is shaved clean now. Looking at him, even for the briefest moment, makes my blood pump faster. My body aches. It’s been so long since I’ve felt him…

  “Didn’t think you were a drinker…” I feel his hot breath on my neck. He nuzzles my ear with the tip of his nose. I can smell the whiskey on his breath.

  Josh smells delicious. I fight the urge to press my body close to him as I look into his eyes. I don’t see the man I knew before in there. His eyes look empty, tired.

  I reach out and lay my hand flat against his chest. “Josh…”

  “Let’s walk out back. It’s too crowded, too loud in here…”

  His grip is tight on my arm, a little uncomfortable as he leads me through the club to the door that leads into the alley out back.

  I shrug his hand away and step back, stumbling a little. I’m unsteady on my feet from the drinks I had.

  “Josh, I…I shouldn’t be here. I don’t know what I was thinking…”

  “Why are you here? Is this something you do now? Go out to bars and look for…”

  “No! This is the first time I’ve left the house since…since that night.”

  “Well, I guess that’s a relief.”

  “A relief from what? I don’t understand, Josh.”

  “I don’t fucking understand it either, Kennedy! Goddamn it!”

  My god. The man standing here is not the Josh I know. I’ve never seen this side of him before. He places his arms against the brick exterior and leans his head against the wall.

  “Josh, what has happened to you?”

  “You! You happened to me, Kennedy. I don’t know. I have no fucking clue what to do… I can’t get it out of my head. You on your knees, the bastard’s dick in your face… At the same fucking time, I can’t stop thinking about you! I fucking want you, but I can’t stand to look at you! I…I want to punish you, Kennedy. I need to punish you. I thought that side of me was gone, but I need it…”

  Tears stream down my face. I knew things would end like this. From the very beginning, I knew Josh wouldn’t… couldn’t handle my past. It’s always there. Every nasty, disgusting thing I’ve ever done is going to haunt me forever. Anger rushes through me.

  I run up and pound Josh on the back as hard as I can with both fists. I back away from him when he turns to face me. I throw my hands in the air. “Then do it! Punish me! I can’t forget it either. Do you know how hard I’ve fought these last weeks to keep myself from running back to the streets? The drugs kept me from thinking about everything. I need it. I want the poison so damn bad, but I thought about you, about us. I couldn’t turn to pills or heroin, not after you worked so hard to help me get me off it. I don’t know how you want to punish me, but if there’s a chance it’ll make me feel something, anything besides this, give it your best shot!”

  “Get on your knees.” He glares at me, speaking with a tone I’ve never heard from him before. He strides toward me. “Now, Kennedy! Get on your knees.”

  I drop down. The pavement is rough and unforgivin
g as I kneel down. This all feels too familiar to me. Josh moves closer until he stands before me. I look up when I hear the sound his zipper makes as it’s being lowered. There’s a tug of war inside me. I don’t like this, whatever this is, but…a part of me doesn’t care. It’s Josh. If this is what it takes…

  “Open your mouth.” He frees his cock and before I have time to abide, presses the tip between my lips. I close my eyes. I haven’t had him in my mouth. I wanted to. Not like this, but I pretend the moment is different. I’m used to acting. I’ve done it thousands of times before. He pushes past my comfort zone, causing me to gag against the pressure against my throat.

  “Just like that. Yeah, you like this don’t you. You love it when men degrade you. Makes that pussy wet, doesn’t it, baby?”

  I attempt to shake my head, but he holds me steady between his firm hands. He pumps in and out at a staggering pace. “Is this what you want, Kennedy? This is how you want men to treat you, isn’t it? Fuck. No wonder Jayson kept you around. Your goddamn mouth is perfect. Damn, damn, damn! I can’t. I can’t do this. Get up.”

  He withdraws from my mouth and steps back while adjusting his clothes.

  “Don’t look so fucking disappointed, Kennedy. Fuck.”

  “Josh, I miss you, okay? I’d do anything…”

  “Really? Anything? Can you forgive me, Kennedy? I fucked her. She crawled on top of me in the middle of the night, and I thought it was you. I fucked Staci the night before you showed back up. We didn’t use protection either. I’ve never been inside a woman without a condom before. It felt so damn good. You felt so damn good, baby… until she said something and I realized it wasn’t you. Do you know how disgusted I am with myself? I’ve never cheated on a woman. I didn’t sleep with you until I broke things off with Staci. If you would’ve just stayed in the goddamn hotel room like I told you to do, none of this would’ve happened!”

  I pick up my shoes that fell off earlier. I don’t bother putting them on my feet. The door opens just as I lay my hand on the handle. Grant moves to the side so I can go in…

  “What the hell did you do to her?” I keep walking. I don’t wait to hear what Josh has to say. Too much shit spinning around in my head. With that and the alcohol, I can’t think straight.

  “Kennedy, are you alright?” Madison takes my hand when I walk up to the table where she, Kat, and a few other girls are sitting.

  “No. No, I’m not. I need to go…”

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Josh

  “What the hell did you do to her?” Grant comes at me like a badass. I should’ve stayed home tonight. Wherever home is. I’ve been hanging out at my brother’s place, but that shit’s getting old. Always, somebody is breathing down my damn neck trying to get inside my head so they can help me fix shit. Nothing is going to change the mess my life is in right now.

  “Told her the truth.”

  “It was more than that. What did you do? Bring her out here and fuck her and then turn her away again? You’re going to keep pushing until she’s back out there doing the same shit she was before.”

  “I didn’t fuck her. I let her suck my cock, but it didn’t do anything for me. Couldn’t even get off, so I told her the truth…about how I fucked Staci while Kennedy was gone. I thought it was Kennedy, but that doesn’t change anything. Arg! What the hell?”

  I stumble against the brick wall, cupping my palm around my damn jaw that starts swelling instantly. “What the fuck was that for?”

  “Get your goddamn shit together, Josh! That girl is in love with you. She’s turned her whole life around all because of you! Staci took advantage of you. Do I need to give you a lesson on the difference between consensual and nonconsensual sex? As far as Kennedy’s concerned, you’re probably the only man she’s been close to that hasn’t raped her…or, did that just change out here a few minutes ago?”

  “No! I was…punishing her. That’s all. She asked me to punish her when I told her it’s what I wanted.”

  “She’s a fragile young woman, Josh. You might want to try loving her through some of the shit she’s been through. I get that you’ve had your share to deal with too, but we’re men. It’s our jobs to protect our women. We can’t do it sometimes. Sometimes we have to watch while they pick up the pieces. Don’t wait until it’s too late with Kennedy. It’s just a matter of time until she’s out there on the dope again, living the same damn life you worked so hard to get her away from.”

  ***

  “Everything sure looks a lot different.” I look over at my grandpa sitting on the tailgate beside me.

  “That it does, my boy. It’s all yours now. I like what you’ve done to the place. Have you decided when the opening day’s going to be?”

  “Another few months. Even though the construction is about done, the staff still needs training before we’re ready.”

  “What about your personal life, Josh? Any decisions made there yet?”

  “Nope. Maybe…I’ve been talking to her sister. Kennedy’s going back to school. I don’t know. Seems like she’s getting on with her life. What if seeing her again just opens up old wounds?”

  “What if not seeing her again causes you to lose out on the best part of your life? I see you staring out into those woods every day, Josh. You know as well as I do, God led you to that girl. It’s meant to be, and you can’t change that. Now, we’ve talked about all there is to talk about, and I’ve seen everything, guess it’s about time you take me back to my new home. Ida will be upset if I’m not there for dinner.”

  I chuckle. Matthew Reynolds sure is a lot different from when I first talked to him. After everything happened out here on his land, he gave it all up, and moved to the retirement home in the city. That’s where my grandpa met Ida. He won’t say anything, but I think about half of the feisty old women there have a thing for him.

  “Let’s go then. I’m having dinner with Dad and Maggie tonight. I guess I should get you settled and get back out to the cabin so I can clean up.”

  I whistle a tune as I wrap a towel around me, fresh out the shower. I check the time on my phone. I still have an hour or so before it’s time to head out to Dad’s place. I move into the bedroom to the dresser. I pull out a drawer to find a clean pair of boxers. Every time, I reach into the wrong one. I’d say it’s an accident, but I’m a glutton for punishment. Every day I’ve been here, I look at all the things Kennedy left behind from our time here before. Hell, mostly just odd pieces of clothing here and there, but still…I see her every time I look at the shirt, the elastic she used for ponytails, bras…her panties. They’ve all been washed, but I swear I can still smell her scent every time I pick a piece up.

  I shove the drawer closed and move over to the next one. Boxers, clean shirt, and a pair of jeans on, I grab a beer from the fridge and go out to sit on the porch for a few minutes before it’s time to head down to Dad’s.

  Half a beer later, I see dust fly up in the distance, and a white Jeep Wrangler comes into view, moving a little faster than most of us would on a narrow, one lane road in the country. When it comes to rest in the driveway beside my truck, and I see who hops out, short little dress that comes only halfway to her knees, a denim jacket, and boots. I nearly strangle on the drink I take.

  Never in a million years did I think I’d see her again; at least not unless I went looking.

  I jump down from the porch without even bothering with the steps. Face to face though, I don’t know what to say. I stop a few feet away and just look at her.

  “Josh…”

  “I didn’t expect to see you. What are you doing here?”

  “Well, it’s obvious you aren’t coming back to Nashville. I got tired of waiting. This isn’t the old days where the woman has to sit and wait for the man to come for her.”

  “You came for me?”

  Kennedy’s hair is longer than before. She looks so much different; still the same beautiful woman as before, just healthier.

  I move around a little, kic
king a few loose rocks on the ground. I stare down at my feet while I work out what I want to say. I don’t know what she expects me to say. “I figured you hated me…after how I treated you that night. It was wrong. I’m sorry.”

  “Okay.” One simple word. That’s all she says.

  “Okay? It’s that easy?”

  “No…nothing about my life’s been easy, Josh, but if I had to pick out the easiest parts… it was all you.”

  I chuckle a little and look up at her. “I’m easy, huh?”

  “Yeah, Josh. That’s one of the first things I noticed about you. That night in Memphis, you were easy to talk to. I trusted you from the get-go. I…I fell in love with you pretty easy, too.”

  “And, I made it really damn easy to fall out of love, when I told you about Staci, didn’t I?”

  “Josh, do you think we could sit down somewhere and really talk? I don’t want to do this in the driveway.”

  Silently, I turn around and head to the porch, sure she’ll follow. “A jeep, huh?”

  “Yeah, turns out I’m more of a country girl. Figure if I’m going to live around here, I need something a little more practical for all the dirt roads I’ll have to drive on.”

  I turn around and walk backward while I look at her. I push the door open and wait for her to walk through. A little bit of an asshole move because to go in, she has to move past me and to do that—her hot little body rubs against mine.

  Fuck. It’s been months. My cock aches to get inside her. A little voice in my head tells me I should go ahead and see if I can get her in the bedroom. I know how our talks go. Once we’re done talking, I’m sure she’ll high-tail it back to Nashville. I’ve convinced myself there’s no chance for a future with Kennedy. We can apologize until we’re fucking blue in the face, but nothing will take away all the things we’ve done.

  “I’m supposed to have dinner with Dad and Maggie. You want to hang out here for an hour or two until I get back? I’ll cut it short, but I hate to back out on such short notice.”