Irresistible Refrain t-1

by Michelle Mankin

  I squeezed the side of the table with both hands wishing I could get ahold of Martin’s neck instead.

  I was going to kill that mother fucker.

  “Yeah, well, as you can see he already took care of that.” A spark of defiance brightened her eyes, giving me a glimpse of the vibrant woman I remembered. “I didn’t stick around to give him the chance to make both sides match.”

  “What the hell happened?”

  Her shoulders sagged, the momentary flash of sass disappearing as quickly as it had appeared. She was quiet for so long I didn’t think she planned to answer. “It’s not important. Not anymore. It’s over between us.” She had that stubborn tilt to her jaw that I recognized. I wasn’t going to get any more information out of her than she wanted to give.

  “Does Martin know it’s over?”

  “Oh yeah, I think his fists made that perfectly clear.”

  “You mean to tell me that he broke it off with you?” I asked unable to disguise the disbelief in my tone. The guy was an idiot as well as an asshole. What man in his right mind would give up Lace if he had her?

  Her eyes slid to her lap. After a brief pause, she nodded. Her sexy lips pressed together into a tight line. “I pawned the engagement ring he gave me for a bus ticket out here,” she confided.

  Most women I knew would’ve teared up after all this, but not Lace. She never cried. Strike that. She never cried anymore. When we’d been kids she cried a helluva lot. But the last time had been that horrible night, the night we were supposed to go to the Metallica concert.

  “I’m sorry.” I reached over and covered her delicate hand with my own.

  “Don’t be,” she returned evenly, slowly sliding her hand out from under mine. “Martin was just another mistake in a long line of them.” She watched me through a gap in the curtain of her gold hair. “What about you, Bullet?” Her eyes took on a mischievous glint. “Or should I say?” She paused and added in an orgasmic sounding breathless moan. “Oh Bullet! Faster! Harder!’” The corner of her mouth lifted with amusement at my expense.

  I winced. Shit. She’d heard me in the back bedroom with the twins. I didn’t usually go for multiples. It was too much work, but after getting the brush off from Avery, the beautiful lead guitarist of Brutal Strength, I’d felt as if I had something to prove.

  “You know me, Lace.” I watched her face carefully. “I don’t do relationships.” I got up and moved to the refrigerator, pulling out a couple of bottled waters.

  “Yeah, that’s not something I’m likely to forget.” Her voice sounded strained. I felt the undercurrent of meaning just beneath the surface of the words we were saying to each other. I swung back around, but her eyes didn’t give anything away. “I’m sorry. I was just messing with you,” she said with a dismissive wave of her hands that I didn’t buy. “What you do with your personal life is none of my business. No offense, ok?”

  “None taken,” I replied uneasily. I handed her one of the waters, and she took it before turning away to look out the window. I grabbed the Tylenol bottle from the table and knocked back a couple of tablets while watching her.

  We were silent for a while, both lost in our own thoughts. There was tension between us, but it was familiar and not entirely uncomfortable. I had known Lace Lowell practically all my life. I’d never forget our first meeting at the apartment where we lived at the University House. I had been seven. She had been five.

  14 years ago

  “Get the door Bry.” My mom was cooking in the open galley kitchen, but her voice carried easily across the small space separating it from the living room where I’d been sitting playing my video game.

  “Sure, Mom.” The sizzle of the cooking meat and the aroma of garlic and cheese from my favorite flavor of Hamburger Helper filled the apartment. It made my stomach grumble. I dropped the controller onto the soft throw my mom used to make the old couch from Goodwill look nicer and stomped over to the door. “Who is it?” I asked before opening it just like she’d taught me to do.

  “Dizzy Lowell,” was the muffled reply.

  I grinned. Dizzy was my new best friend, and yeah that was his real name. His mom felt that way a lot before he was born. He sat in the desk in front of me in Miss Harper’s second grade class. We traded Pokemon cards at recess and played this really fun game at lunch where we tried to gross each other out mixing different items from our lunch trays. Today, Dizzy won. He had stuffed his bread roll into his chocolate milk carton and added ketchup. I’d laughed so hard at the face he had made that milk had come out my nose.

  “Hey,” he said when I opened the door. His long blond hair was all messed up. My mom would not have let me out of the house with my hair like that. But Dizzy looked like that all the time. His clothes were usually dirty, too. “I had to bring my little sister with me. Is that ok?”

  “Sure.” I opened the door wider and watched the little girl follow him inside. Her hair and eyes were the same color as his, and her small hand was fisted in the material of his worn out jeans.

  Dizzy stopped in front of our TV. His mouth dropped open. “You have Pokemon!” he shouted.

  I nodded. “I told you. My mom says we can play until dinner is ready.”

  Dizzy spun around and squatted down in front of his sister. He put his hands on her shoulders. Her bottom lip stuck out and she looked like she wanted to cry. “Lace, don’t be afraid, ok? Bryan’s cool.” He tugged on one of her braids and helped her up on the couch. “Sit here, right next to me.” She watched me with her light brown eyes, but she didn’t move or make a sound the entire time we played. That was weird. I was used to my younger sisters. When they were awake, they were a royal pain in the rear. They got into all my stuff and they never shut up.

  “Bry,” my mom called out after we had been playing for a while. Beside me, Lace squeaked and tried to climb behind her brother’s back.

  Shoot, I thought. We were just getting to the good part.

  “Time to stop.” My mom came in. She was drying her hand on a kitchen towel. Lace started shaking. My mom frowned as she looked at her. “I’m going to wake your sisters from their nap,” she said in a soft voice. “I’ll be right back.”

  “Why’s she so scared?” I whispered to Dizzy after she left the room.

  “Lace is afraid of grown-ups.” He turned around and touched her back. “Come on. Stop hiding. It’s time to go.”

  “Wait,” I said. “Maybe you can stay a little longer. Let me ask my mom.” When my mom came back in the living room, I gave her my best puppy dog eyes. “Can we have five more minutes, please,” I begged. “We’re almost done.”

  She leaned over the couch and ruffled my hair. I knew her answer before she said it. Puppy dog eyes worked every time. “Dizzy,” she asked using a soft voice. “Would you and your sister like to stay and eat dinner with us?”

  “We can’t.” Dizzy stuck his hands in his pockets and stared down at his dirty sneakers. “My mom wants us in our rooms by six.”

  “Maybe Saturday for lunch then?”

  “Sure.” Dizzy gave her a big smile before asking to use the restroom. He went to the back and my mom returned to the kitchen. I snuck a peak at Lace. She had her legs pulled up under her chin and her arms wrapped around them. I was the man of the house and my mom told me my job was to take care of the girls. It made me sad to see Lace looking so scared. I wanted to make her smile.

  I scooted closer to her. She put her cheek on her knee and watched me. I stuck my tongue out at her and rolled my eyes. Her lips twitched. I put my hand under my arm pit and made the farty sound a couple of times.

  She giggled.

  Yes. I slid right beside her, happy when she didn’t move away. “I like your eyes,” I said in a soft voice like my mom had used. “They’re pretty.”

  She gave me a smile so big I noticed that her top two front teeth were missing. “Are you Printh Charming?” she asked me with a lisp.

  “Uh-uh.” As if.

  Dizzy came back in the room
and grinned at me as he flopped back on the sofa. He must have heard that last bit.

  “I am going to marry you someday,” Lace said with a nod like it was a done deal. “When I am growed up and pretty like Cinderella.”

  I started to laugh but choked it back when I saw how serious she looked. It seemed so important to her that I found myself agreeing. Even though I knew Dizzy would never let me hear the end of it.

  And here we were all these years later and Lace Lowell still had the ability to tie me up in knots. I still wanted to protect and please her. But because of War I was powerless to do either.

  Some fucked up fairy tale I was living.

  She stared out the one way windows. There was nothing to see. It was dark and we were parked between two buildings with only an occasional flicker of white from blowing snow to break up the monotony of the view.

  “What’s Avery Jones like?” she asked turning abruptly to face me.

  I tensed, thought a moment, and chose my words carefully. “Helluva guitarist.”

  She swallowed. “And?”

  “And nothing.” I shrugged. “She’s back with Marcus Anthony now if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “Sorry. I saw some pictures.” There was an edge to her voice that hadn’t been there before. “It seemed like she might be important to you.”

  I seriously contemplated telling her right then and there that she was the only woman that had ever been important to me when I heard the door slide open behind us.

  “Guys it’s four fucking a.m.” Voice gruff with disapproval, War’s appearance brought our intimate predawn reunion to an end. Looking wan and strung out, the lead singer of Tempest shuffled into view wearing a pair of red boxers and scratched his bare chest. “Come on back to bed, babe.” He held out his hand to her while shooting me an irritated glance.

  She patted my knee and I took the cue to scoot out of the booth ahead of her so she could exit.

  War threw a proprietary arm around her shoulders as soon as her bare feet hit the floor. “Night, Loser.”

  “Night, Asshole.”

  War gave me the finger before he closed the door.

  I stared at it for a long time. Nothing had fucking changed. Twenty thousand people screaming my name during my guitar solo at the Garden, plus two twins, but none of that mattered to me. Not when my best friend had the woman I’d always wanted.

  2

  My mind remembered how badly Bryan Jackson had hurt me, but my traitorous body wanted me to forget. It wanted me to go back, wrap my legs around that washboard waist of his, curl my fingers into his tatted biceps, fuse my mouth to his and beg him to make me moan instead of those twins. Fortunately for me, my mind overruled and the nail prints in my palms were the only casualty I sustained after this particular run in with Bryan.

  I followed War to the bedroom, past the triple stack of sleeping bunks where my brother and the other band members slept. He was tall, about a half inch taller than Bryan, and his slender frame dwarfed the full sized bed as he crawled into it and held the covers out for me. Knee to the mattress, I slid underneath and shimmied close. An errant caramel colored strand tickled my nose as I laid my cheek against his smooth chest, right over his solid black heart tattoo. I tried to make myself relax while he stroked my hair.

  “You ok, babe?” His deep voice rumbled beneath my ear and I imagined his brown eyes were probably crinkled with concern.

  “Yeah.” I lied. The truth was too depressing for anybody to want to hear.

  “Why were you up?”

  “Couldn’t sleep.”

  “Need another hit?”

  Not more coke. I was too juiced up on that already, my heart racing and my pupils dilated and light sensitive. Seeing Bryan again had brought back all the old memories that I didn’t want to dwell on anymore. I was faithful to only one lover now. One that I couldn’t live without.

  “Sure. Set me up a rig.” I rolled back my sleeve, mouth drying and my heart hammering in anticipation.

  War placed it on a spoon, added a few drops of water, and flicked on a cigarette lighter. The mixture began to bubble and liquefy in response to the blue flame underneath.

  I held my breath; eyes fixated on the weak coffee colored liquid as War removed the needle caps and drew up two syringefuls, flicking them to remove the bubbles. I held out my arm, not surprised that it shook, not surprised at how badly I wanted it. I’d gone days without and I was just beginning to feel the first pangs of withdrawal.

  I’d been one of the unlucky ones. Instead of getting sick and shunning it forever, I’d fallen in love with it from that first time back in Martin’s apartment. Since then, I’d constantly craved that euphoric high. The one that makes all the pain fade away. The one that makes you feel like you’ve transcended all your problems. The one that makes you feel like you’re in heaven.

  Too bad it was only temporary. Too bad it was all a lie.

  Fifteen seconds later my head felt light, and my limbs felt heavy. War and I stared at each other, eyes and minds unfocused and uncaring. An hour later, he was completely out, but not me. Drugs could only mask the truth for so long. I was broken beyond repair, my life in tatters all around me. No matter how much shit I did, my mind still raced around in pointless circles. There were no easy answers. I was so far off course now that I didn’t see any way to make it right. And though it seemed as if I’d suddenly woken up one day to find myself here in this hellhole, the reality was that I’d slid down this slippery slope by making one poor decision after another.

  War shifted, the sheets rustling softly as he turned on his side facing away from me. Being alone in the dark was something I’d grown accustomed to. He fell asleep quickly, the sound of his breathing evening out. As the lonely minutes of the night droned slowly on toward morning, I remained awake. My thoughts drifted to Bryan as they often did. If possible he’d gotten even better looking since I’d seen him last. His light brown hair trimmed short into a faux hawk was the perfect style to offset his gorgeous greyish green eyes and that shadowed masculine jaw of his. It was disheartening to discover that the years apart hadn’t lessened the hold he had over me.

  I’d idolized Bryan Jackson for as long as I could remember. He treated me with the same respect he did his own sisters, and I loved him for that. He and my brother were the only protectors I had in a neighborhood where drug deals and drive bys were commonplace, in a world where even my own apartment hadn’t been safe.

  9 years ago

  “Hi, Lace.” Ms. Jackson looked up at me as I entered the apartment with the key she’d given Dizzy and me years before. She’d wanted to be sure we had somewhere safe to go whenever our mom was strung out.

  “Bryan ready?” I asked, wondering where he was.

  “He’s in the shower. He should be out any minute.” She laid aside the pants she’d been sewing on. They were an old pair of mine that she’d been adding material to so I could wear them longer. “I can’t believe he won Metallica tickets. Are you as excited as he is about going?”

  I nodded.

  “Come and sit with me.” Ms. Jackson patted the cushion beside her. Though it had a new slipcover, it was the same old couch I’d buried my head in the first time I’d met Bryan. The time I told him I was going to marry him someday. That was still my plan. Only now I was mature enough that I didn’t speak every random thought out loud.

  I took a seat next to my future mother-in-law and plucked at the loose threads on my frayed jeans. Grownups still made me nervous. She touched my hand and smiled. Her smile was just like his. It made her eyes sparkle. His mom was really nice. Nothing at all like mine. She was always doing things to help Dizzy and me out without making it seem like it was charity.

  “How’s school?”

  “Fine.”

  “Bry says you made the top grades in your class again.”

  I shrugged, but inside I was always pleased by Bryan’s praise. “In everything but math. I hate it.”

  There was a long silent p
ause. Finally, I heard the shower shut off. The one bedroom apartments at the University House high rise were small, even by public housing standards. All had the same layout, too. The kitchen, dining, and living room were in one room with the bedroom and bathroom down a short hallway in the back. Bryan’s family of four was cramped inside the tight space. His sisters and mom shared the only bedroom while he slept on the couch.

  Despite the shared floor plan, Bryan’s apartment and mine couldn’t have been more different. Bryan’s mom was always adding little decorative touches like the slipcover that transformed their place from an apartment to a home. My apartment was a disaster zone, littered with trash, dirty laundry, and my mom’s pipes and needles. Whenever she was on a long binge, like her current one, it got even worse. Dangerous, paranoid, and unpredictable, she holed up in her room for days. She didn’t even bathe. It was a relief to be able to escape, even if it was only for a little while.

  “Hey, Lace,” Bryan acknowledged as he walked around the couch, running a brush through his wet hair. “Where’s Dizzy?”

  “Should be here soon.” Dizzy had a weekend job bussing tables and washing dishes at Mr. Spinelli’s Greek restaurant on the Ave. “He’s changing clothes.” Though at twelve he was way too young to officially hold a job, Mr. Spinelli overlooked that and paid Dizzy in cash. That money helped us purchase the basic things we needed like food, toiletries, and school supplies.

  Suddenly, there was a loud thump from the apartment above.

  My apartment.

  I froze, eyes to the ceiling, listening intently. I heard yelling, and then an ominous crash. I jumped up, my heart racing. “I’d better check and see what’s going on.” I hurried to the door, throwing a quick glance at Bryan. His worried expression probably matched my own. He was the only one who really knew how bad things were up there.

  “Lace, wait.” Ms. Jackson’s voice followed me out into the hall, but I ignored her. I flew up the stairwell and burst through the door of my apartment. Fear transformed into full blown terror as I took in the scene. Two drug dealers I recognized stood at opposite sides of the room, one stood near my mother, the other held Dizzy who was struggling to break free.