"Stay with me again tonight."
I wanted to say yes. Waking up in his arms was incredible. But I didn't want to get used to it. I still didn't know where this was going, and yet it was going so fast, physically and emotionally. I'd only known him a few weeks, but with the heaviness of our conversations, it made it feel like months. Still, it was just too fast.
"I can't. I don't—I just need to take it a little slower." I could tell he was disappointed, but he didn't say anything and kissed the top of my head. I loved the feeling of being in his arms, but my stomach growled. "I need to eat something."
We found the rest of the crew inside and sat with them after getting our food. Again, Sammy and Brodie wound up talking quietly off to the side. It was clear that Brodie was closest to Sammy. It felt weird to be in the loud burger place surrounded by people my own age after spending so many lunches with adults. It was nice, but I felt a little sad at not being around them. Still, I had fourth period to spend with them every day.
In fifth period, we were both really quiet, but he kept his arm around me, and I was too tired not to sink into his embrace. Brodie grumbled about doing the worksheet Mr. Vigil assigned and spent his time twirling his pen in his fingers instead of looking at it. My mind was only half into it myself. When I made the comment that I'd just do it for homework, he nudged me to sit up and pulled the book toward us. Between our two brains, we got it done in less than ten minutes even though the rest of the class had spent all period working in it.
Brodie scooted down in his chair, stretching his long legs out in front of him with his arm wrapped around me. I moved to lean against him with my back to his side and my head against his arm. When I closed my eyes, Mr. Vigil came over, but Brodie just handed him our worksheets, and he walked away smiling.
Sammy walked me to sixth period that afternoon since his class was next to mine. It was nice not walking alone, but he seemed to have something on his mind. When we reached our classes, he didn't immediately go into his room.
"Risa, can I talk to you?" He was staring at the ground, which immediately set me to worrying. "You know Brodie's my best friend. He—we been through a lot of crap. Just, take it easy with him, huh? He seems tough, but I've never seen him be like he is with you. It's good—a real good thing, just don't screw him over."
It was sweet that he wanted to look out for Brodie. It made me wish I had someone who cared enough to do the same, but then I realized I did. The entire office had been looking out for me.
I patted Sammy's arm. "I really will do my best not to hurt him, Sammy."
He finally looked up at me and smiled before heading into class.
The next few days were happily excitement free. Brodie picked me up every morning and drove me home. On Tuesday, he hung out with me for an hour after school until he had to go to work. He texted me every night asking me to stay with him, but I felt good about saying no. I didn't want to be all dependent on him. On Thursday, I borrowed a small black duffel bag from dad and threw in what I needed to spend the night at Mace's house. I was surprised when Dad asked me to write down the exact address of where I'd be, but he didn't ask for anything other than that.
The first thing Lara did when we walked into Mace's house was run for the massive stereo in the living room. I had been a pop fan before my life fell apart, but I was happy to find Lara and Mace were more into Alternative Rock. Lara turned the music up loud and pulled me to dance around the living room. After raiding the massive pantry in Mace's kitchen and starting the slushy machine, Mace gave me a tour of her impeccably decorated house. It wasn't massive and mansion-like—I'd seen far larger in Los Gatos--but it was twice the size of Dad's townhouse. I loved that it felt lived in and homey. Most of my ex-friend's houses were spotless and half of what was in there wasn't to be touched.
Mace's room was huge. She said her parents knocked down the wall separating her room from a guest room, so she could have the space. From everything I saw in her room and in her house, I would have thought she'd be ridiculously spoiled, but she wasn't. She was sweet and caring.
In her huge walk-in closet, she opened up two drawers in the built-in dressers. "These are my bathing suits. You're welcome to any of them, but I think you'd look best in this bright blue one, Risa. It'll go perfect with that peaches and cram skin of yours." She handed me the blue bikini she'd pulled out of the drawer, and I could feel my palms sweating.
"I'm actually fine in jeans. It's not that hot out, and I don't wanna burn."
She laughed in such a good-hearted way. "It's over eighty. You won't be comfortable in jeans, and I have loads of sunscreen. Mom buys the good stuff too. It makes your skin all soft." She shoved the bikini in my hands.
I stared down at the strips of fabric. "Really, I don't—I'm not really comfortable in showing that much, being that—exposed."
Lara moved to lean against the dresser in front of me. "It's just us, Risa. You could be covered in hideous warts, and we wouldn't care. Are you covered in hideous warts?"
I smiled a little. "No, but—"
"Then what's the deal?" She put her arm around Mace. "We don't judge, do we Mace."
Mace shook her head wildly. "No way, Jose."
I stared at them, thinking it over. Why did I care about wearing a bathing suit in front of them? It was appropriate to wear a bathing suit by the pool. It was appropriate to show some skin sometimes. I'd be in front of two girls, not guys, not Bill, not Mom. Besides, Lara and Mace had worn short skirts and shorts all week to school. They clearly didn't think anything of it.
"Okay." I took a deep breath and tried to relax.
"Good! Bathroom is in there. Off you go now." Mace pointed to a door connected to the closet.
The bathroom was even huge with a large Jacuzzi tub and seashell-colored tiles. There were makeup products all over the counter and a pair of shoes on the floor, which made me smile for some reason. Again, it felt like Mace actually lived there. It only took me a minute to change, but opening the door took a lot longer. I stared at my reflection and willed myself not to be haunted by memories. You're not weak, I told myself. You're not a baby. Just suck it up and go out there.
"Risa, bring your cute butt out here!" Lara called.
I finally opened the door and walked into Mace's closet.
Who Did That to You?
They both charged at me, bending over to stare at my legs. "Damn, I don't see any warts. Mace, you see any sores or growths?"
Mace laughed. "Nope, I got nothing."
"Okay." I shoved them away. "Very funny."
They kept laughing as Lara went into the bathroom with a yellow bikini in her hands. Mace pulled out a can of something and held it up. "Turn around and put your arms out. You have fair skin, so you might really burn. We need to be extra careful with you." The way she spoke made me think she was copying something her mom said to her. "Spray the arms, don't forget the shoulders. Spray your back and lift your hair. Can't forget the feets." In less than a minute, I was fully covered in sunscreen, and she was right, my skin did feel softer. "You're ready."
I smiled. "Thanks. You did an excellent job. Should I tip you?"
She giggled as Lara came out of the bathroom. "Your turn," she announced and held the bottle up to Lara. She left off the "fair skin" line since Lara's skin was really tan, but said almost the identical words as she sprayed Lara.
When Mace had changed and Lara had covered her in sunscreen, we headed out to the pool, stopping by a linen closet for towels. It took incredible restraint not to wrap it around my body the second Mace handed it to me, but I managed. I wasn't in the swimming mood, but I relaxed enough to lounge on a chair in the sun, sipping my slushy and enjoying talking about guys and music with the girls.
Lara turned on her back and looked at me. "So we all know who Risa has the hots for, and let me say, I've never seen him so strung out on a girl before. I think you must be an alien or something to have made him only have eyes for you."
I shrugged and smiled. It
was nice to hear that she thought he was "strung out on me."
"But I haven't heard my darling Mace mention a guy lately." She turned to Mace, who was flipping through a magazine. "Who's caught your eye lately, Mace?"
She looked up at Lara and seemed to really think about it. "I don't think I have anyone right now. I mean Sean is always so cute, but he's not my type, right Lara?"
"Right. You're not interested in anything except looking at him." Lara nodded, and Mace nodded with her before Lara turned to me, giving me a very pointed look. "We have to help her pick guys that are her speed."
I nodded even though I didn't know hardly any of the guys at school. I got the feeling though, that the group worked hard to protect Mace and keep her out of trouble. Her sort of immaturity made me think she could be easily taken advantage of, and made me like the group more for looking out for her.
"What about Benny?" Lara asked. "I thought you were into him?"
Mace wrinkled her nose. "He plays football. I don't like football—it's hard to understand. I just don't have anybody right now."
"Well that's okay, too," Lara said reassuringly.
I turned more toward Lara. "What about you? Who's been on your mind?"
Her eyes widened a little, and she blushed. "No one." She got up and dove into the pool, swimming to the other side.
Mace got up and went toward the steps, putting her feet in the pool.
I called out. "Mace, I think Lara's hiding something from us."
She smiled and walked down the steps, swimming out to Lara. "Are you hiding from us? Who do you like?"
I got up and walked alongside the pool to where Lara and Mace were. Squatting down, I smiled. "Do I know him?"
She looked from me to Mace and shook her head. "I am not talking."
"Come on, Lara," I coaxed. "Just tell me if I know him. That's all. Do I know this mystery guy? Tell me that, and I'll leave you alone."
She narrowed her eyes at me. "You promise you won't ask anything else?"
I crossed my heart with my fingers. "I promise, and I don't lie."
She laughed and hid her face with her hands. "You know him."
I smiled excitedly. There were very few guys I knew at school. It wouldn't take long for me to figure it out. She dove under the water and swam away from us.
Mace looked up at me, laughing. "You have to tell me when you figure it out."
I nodded as I stood up, turning back toward my chair. Two steps in that direction though, and my heart stopped beating altogether. Fifteen feet in front of me, standing by the back gate was Brodie, staring at me wide-eyed. I froze in panic, and my breaths came out in short, fast gasps. What was he doing here? He couldn't see me in a bathing suit. I was wearing next-to-nothing. I looked down at the blue bikini and tried to move my hands to cover myself up. Slut! Mom's voice rang through my head. You dress like that and any guy will think you want it, Risa. I didn't want him to think that. I wasn't looking for attention. I rushed back to the chair and snatched the towel, covering myself. I could feel tears gathering in my eyes, and my hands started to shake. That's why Bill looks at you like that. In slutty clothes like that, you're just begging for it. I had to get out of there.
I ran toward the house, but he stepped in my path and put his arm around my waist. "Risa, what's wrong?"
I couldn't look at him and pushed gently against his arms. "They—they made me wear it. I didn't want to—I—I need to change." But he kept his arm around me.
"Sunshine, you look amazing. You don't need to change just cuz I—"
"Yes, I do. Just let me put some clothes on." Breathing got harder, and my voice got higher. I fought against him, but he was too strong, and I felt more panicked because he was hanging on like, like—My whole body started to feel cold, and I closed my eyes. "Please let go, please let go." Tears fell down my cheeks, and my whole body was shaking.
"Whoa, what's wrong, what's going on?"
"Just let go," I begged quickly. "Please." He turned a little, but still had his arm around me, and I felt too trapped, too petrified. I shoved against him as hard as I could and closed my eyes, screaming, "Get off me! Get off me!"
He dropped his arms immediately, and I ran through Mace's house to her bedroom and into her bathroom, slamming and locking the door. I huddled in the corner on the floor, wrapping my arms around my knees and cried. The memory of Bill trapping me, not letting me out of my room then throwing me on my own bed flooded my mind, and I stayed there, shaking for several minutes.
When I finally got a hold of myself, I managed to change back into my clothes and wash my face. I felt shaky all over, but I was more embarrassed than anything else. I wanted to go home and hide, but I knew Brodie would be waiting for me. He'd want an explanation. I couldn't, though—couldn't talk about it or think about it. I just needed to forget.
Pulling open the bathroom door was even harder this time than when I'd come out in the bikini, but I forced myself to do it. I walked out into Mace's bedroom and sat down on the end of her bed for a few minutes, trying to pull together some strength. As I walked down the hall, I saw him sitting on the couch in the living room, and I nearly ran back to hide in the bathroom. He was just sitting there, staring at the fireplace. Slowly, I took a few more steps then a few more until I'd reached the couch.
I stood next to it, but Brodie didn't look at me. "I—I’m sorry."
He nodded, but still didn't look at me. Instead, he held his hand out to me palm up. I took a deep breath and placed my hand in his. The moment his fingers grasped mine he closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. I walked around the end of the couch and sat next to him, not touching him, but near him.
He stayed very still, but rubbed his thumb back and forth along the back of my hand. "Who did that to you?"
I pulled my hand from his and stood up, walking back behind the couch. I wasn't running again, but I couldn't stay still. "Please don't ask me—I'm not—I—I can't talk about that right now."
He nodded slowly. "You don't have to talk about it now, but I just need to know that he's nowhere near you."
"He's not."
His shoulders relaxed, and he rubbed his eyes with his hand. "Can I hold you?"
I walked back over to stand in front of him. He held my hands, and I looked into his eyes. I'd never seen him look so drained and felt awful for being the cause. He leaned forward and kissed the backs of my hands. I sat on the couch next to him, and he pulled my leg over his lap until I was straddling his hips. He wrapped his arms around me, and I pressed my ear to his chest, lettying the sound of his heartbeat calm me down.
"They think I'm crazy, don't they?" I asked softly.
"No, baby. Lara feels awful for making you wear the bikini. Mace was really confused. I had to explain that someone did something bad to you, and I reminded you of it. I still don't think she really gets it, but she understands enough to worry about you."
I wanted to pull my mask back up and hide, but I was so tired and being in Brodie's arms made me feel safe, really safe. "I hate people worrying about me."
"I know. You don't want to need anyone. I get that, but these people won't let you down, Risa. It took me a long time to give in to that, but it's true."
I weighed my words carefully, not sure what I wanted to reveal to him, but knowing I wanted to say something. "My mom made me think some things that—but I don't want to be dependent on you. I just need—I wanna feel safe. Can I—Can I stay with you tonight?"
His arms tightened around me. "You never have to ask, sunshine."
I grabbed my bag and apologized to the girls for my freak-out and for ditching them. Lara hugged me tightly. She started to apologize for pushing me into the bikini, but I wouldn't let her. Mace held onto my arm the whole way out to Brodie's truck. I told her several times that I'd be okay, but I couldn't make her believe it.
We spent the evening curled up in Brodie's bed watching Star Wars movies. He was surprised that I knew most of the words to the older movies, and I was a little
surprised that he thought that was cool. Mom had repeatedly told me science fiction was not something girls were supposed to like. He wanted to make me dinner, but I convinced him to just order a pizza and stay in bed with me. It didn't take a lot of convincing.
He kept his arm around me or kept his fingers threaded through mine or kept touching me in some way the whole night but didn't make out with me. I worried about that, but I didn't know how I'd handle the intensity of a make-out session with everything that had happened, so I didn't push it. And of course, falling asleep in his arms was just as incredible as it had been the first time.
School the next day was typical. I'd gotten comfortable with the routine of being around Brodie's friends—well, my friends too now. Lara and Mace didn't treat me any differently than they had before my little mentally unstable moment, but really, I hadn't expected them to. They weren't like the people I grew up with.
My worrying about Brodie's diminished desire to kiss me ended halfway through break on Friday when he grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the cluster of trees not far from our usual table. He leaned back against the trunk of one of the larger trees and pulled me to him, kissing me until I couldn't think straight. We briefly heard cheers and shouts with our names in them but were more than capable of tuning them out to focus on each other. The ringing bell to go to class was incredibly unwelcome.
The following week passed by in a similar fashion, but without the drama. I spent two nights with Brodie earlier in the week, but still refused to risk complete dependency on him. Between school and his job though, the only way we got to spend much alone time together was if I spent the night with him. I think we were both feeling a little needy as we walked to class on Friday at break.
Brodie kept his arm around my shoulders. "Are you really hungry?"
I dragged my bottom lip through my teeth, thinking about the way he looked like he wanted to devour me. "Uh, not right now, why?"
"You think you will be at lunch?"
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