"He said 'buy what you want,' or 'buy what you need?'"
He was so pushy. I walked toward the door, ignoring him. "I'm changing now."
***
When I woke up the next morning, my tank top was bunched up beneath my breasts, and Brodie's arm stretched across my bare stomach. I thought about Bill's hands on me and cringed, but it surprised me that it only made me want to pull Brodie closer. I turned to face him, and he stirred.
Tia and Nikki—ex-friends from Los Gatos—had talked about guys' bodies a lot. They were obsessed with Pecs and abs and talking about putting their hands all over the football players. I thought some of the guys they talked about were cute, but I'd never really been into touching a guy before.
With Brodie in front of me, looking adorably at peace in his sleep, I couldn't resist my sudden obsession with feeling his muscles underneath my fingers. I slipped my hand under his shirt—his skin was so warm and not soft really, but smooth. I slid my hand up his stomach, and he let out the smallest groan, his eyes still closed. I felt the rolling pattern of his abs and moved up the center of his chest. The coarseness of his small patch of chest hair felt strong against my fingers, and I couldn't stop sliding my fingers through it.
When his hand gripped my hip, I froze, unsure of what his reaction would be. He ran his thumb along my hipbone, squeezing gently. "Don't stop, sunshine," he whispered. Reaching down, he pulled my leg over his waist.
I resumed my exploration of his chest, moving back down to his stomach and pushed his shirt up out of my way. At the waistband of his shorts, I was drawn to the indentation near his hips. Something about touching him there must have made him crazy because he grabbed me and pulled me on top of him.
My stomach connected with his and felt so incredible. His hands gripped my bunched up tank top. "I wanna feel you against me. Can I?"
I think I must have nodded because he slowly pushed my tank top up above my breasts. I was completely unprepared for the hypersensitivity of my skin. He ran his hands up and down the sides of my body, his thumbs grazing my most sensitive skin. The tension was unbearable, but I didn't want it to stop. His lips found the spine-tingling path of skin on my neck that made me crazy while his hands explored my exposed skin. But when I let out a low moan, he pulled my tank top down and rolled away from me.
I leaned up and questioned him with my eyes.
He shook his head. "I promised your dad I wouldn't touch you, and you've already forced me to second base."
"Forced you." I laughed.
He folded his arms across his chest dramatically. "I was innocently sleeping when you decided to feel me up. I can't be held responsible for my actions as a result of your seductive ways."
I tried to shove him off the bed, but he was too heavy for me. Finally, I had to give up and climbed on top of him, grabbing his hands and holding them to the bed on either side of his head. "I didn't hear you complaining."
"And you never will, baby." He pushed his lower body up into mine and groaned again. "Go get ready. I'm gonna head home and take a cold shower then I'll come back and get you."
He had to take a cold shower? I smiled over that and the way it sort of made me feel powerful.
Twenty-five minutes later, I walked slowly downstairs, being careful with my knee. Brodie texted me to let me know that Sammy, Lara, and Mace were meeting up with us at the mall. Dad was on the couch with the laptop as I finally made it down the stairs. I don't know why it was so hard to ask him if I could spend some money, but it just felt awkward.
"Dad, I, uh, can I ask you something?"
He set the laptop on the coffee table and patted the couch next to him. When I was seated, he turned, propping his knee up on the couch between us.
"Brodie informed me that you're not like any girl he's ever met."
Okay, that got my attention. "What?"
He laughed. "He said he'd never met a girl who didn't want to spend a fortune on clothes."
I let my chin drop to my chest. I needed to have a talk with him about having talks with my dad. I was capable of communicating… sometimes.
"Risa, I've worked too hard over the years. When your mom and I—when things got rough between us—I threw myself into work. It's what my father did. And I really haven't done much with what I've earned—I mean, I've invested, but I haven't enjoyed my earnings. I have more than enough money to put you through college, and I have a separate account that will go toward a down payment on a home for you someday. But the point I'm trying to make is that it would make me happy to see you have the things you want. It's all I've ever wanted, Risa."
He let me digest that information for a few minutes. He had a college fund and a house fund for me? I had applied to a few schools, but my acceptance letters would have gone to Mom. I could bet she'd thrown them away. I hadn't thought about it at all though, since I had no idea how I'd pay for it without her help. There suddenly seemed to be options. I wasn't sure what to do with that.
My cell phone vibrated in my pocket, and I pulled it out to see a text from Brodie. I'm on my way back.
Dad put his hand on my arm, and I looked up at his blue eyes. I'd never noticed how similar they were to mine. Why hadn't I noticed that?
He looked concerned. "You're really warm, Risa." He put the back of his hand to my forehead. "Are you feeling okay?"
I put my hands to my cheeks, but my skin felt normal to me. "I feel fine. My knee's a little stiff, but other than that, I feel good."
He nodded. "Well if you start to feel sick, don't stay out." At my agreeing nod, he went on. "And buy whatever you want, Risa. New clothes, new shoes, anything you want for your room—I just want you to feel like this is your home."
"Sixty-inch plasma TV?" I laughed.
"You're hilarious." He rolled his eyes. "But I was looking into a laptop of your own. One with the capability of taking on that program you want."
"Really?" I was shocked that he would spend that much money on me.
"Your eyes light up for that, huh? Clothes, shoes, who cares, but photo editing software turns you back into my little six-year-old on her new blue bike."
That was so long ago, but I could still see my baby blue bike with the checkered seat. After everything that had been revealed to me about the man I thought of as dear ole absentee Dad, I was still surprised he remembered the bike. "You really remember that?"
He smiled almost sadly. "Like it was yesterday, Risa."
I wasn't sure if he was the hugging type, and I debated it for a few seconds before throwing caution to the wind and wrapping my arms around him. He seemed taken aback at first, and it made me feel even more unsure, but then he wrapped his arms around me and patted my back. When I pulled away, he looked a little misty-eyed.
"I promise not to go crazy with your credit card," I offered.
"I trust you, and I might regret this, but I trust that guy of yours. He seems to really care about you."
I stared at the carpet, thinking about that comment. He still wasn't the boyfriend type. He hadn't made a commitment or said anything about thinking about one. It left me feeling unstable. But Dad was right, he did care about me. I could live with just that, at least for a while. The knock on the door pulled me from my thoughts, and I got up and moved toward it.
The second I opened the door, Brodie pulled me into his arms, lifting me off the ground several inches. His lips met mine in a searching and searing kiss. I didn't think I'd ever get used to how crazy he could make me. Just when I was about to wrap my legs around him and beg for more, he slowed the kiss and put my feet back on the ground.
"Ready?"
I nodded and waved to Dad, who was shaking his head and smiling.
Natural Looks the Most Natural
We walked casually through the mall to where we were meeting the others. Brodie kept his arm draped across my shoulders. It was weird to think how different my life had become in such a short amount of time. I'd been without friends my own age, without anyone who really knew me, and
without family who really loved me. Now, it felt like I had everything I needed. And a guy I was crazy about. It actually made me nervous like it was only a matter of time before it all went to Hell.
We met up with the crew in the food court and sat around talking for a while. No one mentioned the mess from the night before, but they didn't behave as if they were avoiding it either. It was just comfortable.
Brodie leaned close to me and whispered, "Do you trust Lara and Mace?"
I didn't need to think about his words and nodded immediately. They'd never given me any reason not to trust them.
"Do you trust me?" he asked, kissing my neck lightly. When I nodded again, he turned to Lara and Mace across from us. "So, yeah, her mom's a bitch."
Their eyes widened, my eyes widened, Sammy was the only one not shocked by Brodie's very swift shift in topic. I had no idea what he was going to go on to tell them, but I had to remind myself that I trusted him.
He put his hand on mine. "When Risa moved in with her dad, her mom wouldn't let her take any of her clothes. Her dad gave her a credit card, but I thought you two could help her actually use it." He turned to me and brushed a few strands of hair back from my face. "And I'll pay for dinner if you two can get her in something short." He winked at me, and I thought I might just do it if only to see him wink at me again.
"Dinner it is," Lara announced as she stood up. "Let's go, Risa."
I looked down at Brodie's hand on top of mine and sighed. You used to love shopping, I reminded myself. I was surprised when Brodie leaned forward, pressing his lips to mine. Almost immediately, his tongue slid past my lips, and the rest of the world fell away. I clutched at his shoulder with one hand and moved my other toward the hem of his shirt, dying to touch his chest. When my fingers barely grazed his skin, his muscles tensed, and he slowed the kiss.
Opening my eyes, it hit me where we were, and I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment. If he hadn't backed off, I would have stripped off his shirt and mine right there in the food court. How he could make me so oblivious to everything, I had no idea. The arrogant, crooked grin on his face told me he knew exactly what he was doing.
I hid my face in his shoulder. "Don't do that to me in public."
He chuckled. "You'll get used to it."
"And if I don't, you'll just let me embarrass myself by stripping you down in front of everyone?"
"I got nothing against a little public nudity."
"Well sure, because half the female population has probably already seen you naked." After the words left my mouth, I regretted them. My stomach turned into a slightly acidic, bubbling pit of jealousy. But I wasn't that girl so I pulled my chin up and continued, "But hey, maybe you're right. I'm working on feeling better about revealing more of my body. It might take me a few weeks to work up to being naked in front of strange men and women, but if you're up for it, I—"
"Okay, you win." He chuckled again. "No more trying to get you to jump me in public. You know, I only did it so you'd remember me while you're shopping."
"Ohhhhhh," I said slowly as I got up from the table and stepped just out of his reach. "That was supposed to be memorable? Aww, that's so adorable, Brodie." I smiled smugly at him and walked toward Lara and Mace.
"You'll pay for that later, sunshine," he called out, laughing.
I liked the sound of that. Lara and Mace were both smiling as I walked over to them. We headed away from the food court, Lara shaking her head.
She nudged me. "So, how are things?"
"Things are fine," I replied.
"I cannot believe you have Brodie Decker wrapped around your little finger like some lovesick freshman. So many have tried to get him to commit, and every single one has failed. How did you do it?"
My smile faltered. "He hasn't. I mean, he isn't—hasn't made a commitment to me. We're just—I guess we're still just spending time together."
Mace jumped in. "But you're still around."
Lara wasn't smiling anymore. "Yeah, and it seems you're even closer. What gives?"
I shrugged. "You'd have to ask him that question."
"Well what did he say when you asked him that question?"
Oh, that was a good point. We'd never talked about it. I never asked for a commitment of any kind. I stared at the beige tiles on the floor, trying to imagine how that conversation would go, but I had no idea what his reaction would be.
Lara patted me on the back lightly. "This is new territory for him, Risa. You're gonna have to push for what you want." She was right. If things weren't going exactly as I wanted, I only had myself to blame. She put her hands on my shoulder and pushed me into a store. "Let's start with a few new things that might catch his eye."
Lara insisted that booty shorts and the thin strip of fabric every store had the nerve to call a "mini-skirt" were the way to go. While I let her talk me into a few pairs of short shorts to sleep in, I refused to buy any shorts that didn't at least reach my mid-thigh. It was really difficult to pick up a skirt or a dress. I really loved them before Bill came along, but the sleazy way he always ran his finger up my thigh, pushing up my skirt an inch or two made me cringe just looking at them.
By the time we met up with the guys again, I had some shorts to sleep in; several pairs of denim and cotton shorts; a pair of denim capris; and Lara and Mace talked me into several new V-neck T-shirts in what they called "non-mourning" colors. We even went crazy in a shoe store where a pair of wedge sandals called to me. I was a little self-conscious about wearing the shorts but actually felt good about wearing colors again.
"So, what'd we buy?" Sammy asked, peeking in the bags I had in my hands.
I smacked his hand. "Clothes, silly." I looked around for Brodie. "What did you think we were buying? Where's Brodie?"
"Bathroom." He pointed down the way, but turned to Lara. "And what did you buy? Any lingerie?"
I smiled at that. They really just needed to kiss and get it over with. My smile fell though, as my eyes connected with Brodie walking in my direction with his arm draped across the shoulders of a girl I recognized from school. I didn't know her name, but her extremely short shorts and partially unbuttoned tank top told me she was the type that likely knew Brodie well. I clenched my jaw as Mace came up beside me.
"That's Lauren McKinney," she informed me. "She's been into Brodie. I think they hooked up last year."
I stared at Lauren for a moment. She was pretty and had really long legs, but her hair was awful. It was brown with bleach-blonde highlights that were seriously overdone. It made me think about my own hair. When I'd dyed it black, I did it for me. I did it because I hated the world and wanted to be something different. But I was finally realizing that I'd made a mistake. I didn't need to be different, the world needed to be different. My mother and Bill should have been different. As hard as it was to accept, I knew, deep down inside that I'd done nothing wrong. And I let them change me. I let them make me into some emo-girl uncomfortable with myself and my clothes and my hair. Why did I give them that power?
I wanted to run to Brodie and share my new-found logic, but he hadn't even looked up to notice me standing there. Instead, as he got closer, I noticed his eyes were down Lauren's baby blue, practically see-through tank top, probably staring at the tacky and obvious black bra she wore underneath. I turned and walked away.
How could he go from being so sweet and supportive and making out with me to having his eyes all over that skanky girl? This is Brodie you're talking about here. He's a player, my brain supplied. He was a player. He was attracted to scantily clad bimbos, and I had no claim on him. Ugh. I wanted to beat my head against something.
A few moments later, Lara caught up to me. "Hey, why are you walking away from that? Go back and call him on his crap."
"I'm not his girlfriend. I don't own him, Lara. She has just as much claim on him as I do. In fact," I reasoned out loud, "she has more." My words came out with a pathetic sadness that only the blatant truth could hold.
"What the hell are you
talking about? He's totally hooked on you."
I shrugged. "Being 'hooked on me' is really arbitrary. She's slept with him. That's a little more concrete."
"What?" Her eyes were as wide as I'd ever seen them. She seemed stunned.
Mace grabbed my arm. "I missed that. You didn't just say you haven't slept with Brodie?"
"I haven't," I said very matter-of-factly.
"You're lying," Mace accused, but she was smiling excitedly.
"You can't be serious." Lara looked stunned. "There's no way Brodie would stick with any girl that didn't put out. It can't happen. Unless…" She looked over at Mace with wide eyes.
"He loves her." Mace bounced up and down excitedly.
"That's ridiculous," I said a little angrily. "I appreciate that you're trying to cheer me up, but it doesn't help me to believe in things that aren't really possible. He's a man-whore. I just need to accept that and find a way to deal with it or walk away. I can't spend my life trying to change him."
We walked for several minutes, looking in windows before I found myself in front of a hair salon. They had several mirrors in the front with a large sign that read, "Love the way you look? Let us help you make it spectacular." I looked at my black hair with the blonde roots showing and realized I looked as tacky as that skanky Lauren. And I looked so pale with black hair. All the times I'd looked in the mirror since running away, I'd never really looked in the mirror. I suddenly, fervently wanted to be "me" again.
I turned to Lara and Mace. "Thanks for coming with me and helping me pick out some clothes. It's been great, really. Can you just do me one more favor?" They nodded, so I continued. "Can you tell Brodie I decided to get my hair done, and I'll get my dad to come pick me up?"
Lara grabbed my arm again. "We can stay with you and talk while they're doing your hair."
"It'll be a few hours. I'm sure you don't—"
She looked at the floor. "I don't really wanna go home. I'd rather stay here and hang out with you. Mace, I can take you home if you want?"
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