Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Lengends of the Ferengi
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“Funnier the The Great Gatsby.”—Rom
“Once you have their money never give it back.”—#1
“Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.”—#13
For centuries these and the other famous Ferengi “Rules of Acquisition” have been the guiding principles of the galaxy’s most successful entrepreneurs. But the wisdom behind them was not won without a high cost in lives and latinum.
Now at last these inspiring tales of avaricious Ferengi wresting monetary gain from the jaws of poverty are available to the profit-hungry across the galaxy!
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Ira Steven Behr (right) and Robert Hewitt Wolfe met while working for the South Downs Holding Company in the sleepy duchy of Rohan (a relatively obscure country near Liechtenstein). Their first job together was to dispose of a dangerous piece of radioactive material shaped like a plain gold Ring. Unfortunately the Ring once belonged to a rather irascible mogul (the Chairman of the Board of Barad-dûr, Ltd.) who was determined to get it back. Behr and Wolfe's friendship grew over the course of their long and peril-fraught journey. Together they traveled through Eriador, climbed Caradhras Mountain, wandered the Dimrill Dale, and kayaked the Anduin River, on a seemingly endless quest across the globe. Finally, broke, tired, and possessed of a desperate urge to write for television, the two friends tossed the Ring into a fiery pit (just outside Las Vegas, Nevada) and moved to Hollywood.
Now they spend their time happily eating six meals a day, combing their furry feet, and writing numerous episodes of the popular syndicated series Star Trek: Deep Space Nine®.
An Original Publication of POCKET BOOKS
POCKET BOOKS, a division of Simon & Schuster Inc.
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Copyright © 1997 by Paramount Pictures. All Rights Reserved.
STAR TREK is a Registered Trademark of Paramount Pictures.
This book is published by Pocket Books, a division of Simon & Schuster Inc., under exclusive license from Paramount Pictures.
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Pocket Books, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020
ISBN: 0-671-00728-9
First Pocket Books trade paperback printing August 1997
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POCKET and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster Inc.
Book design by Richard Oriolo
Printed in the U.S.A.
INTRODUCTION
Let’s get one thing clear. My esteemed publisher paid me to write a book. Which I did.
Okay, okay. Actually, I didn’t write a word of it. I jobbed it out to a couple of fathead hew-mons named Behr and Wolfe. (Behr and Wolfe? What are they? Writers, or creatures of the forest?)
But the point is, no one got paid to write an introduction. That my publisher wants for free. And now Wolfe and Behr have scurried off, back to their dens or lairs or wherever they live, and I have to write this myself. Life is so unfair.
Anyway, here it is—the introduction, everything you need to know about this book.
FERENGI
Natives of the planet Ferenginar. A short, wily, magnificently lobed spacefaring people. Numerous pictures of these handsome folk can be found throughout this volume.
RULES OF ACQUISITION
“The two hundred and eighty-five guiding principles that form the basis of Ferengi business philosophy.” (A direct quote from my previous book The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition by Quark as told to Ira Steven Behr. Still available in a bookstore near you!)
LEGENDS OF THE FERENGI
“A collection of stories, fables, folk songs, philosophical meditations, and outright lies based on the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition.” Just like it says on the cover.
Well, there you go. The introduction. I hope you liked it. Now on to the good stuff.
I really hate working for free.
Quark, Son of Keldar
Proprietor
Quark’s Bar, Grill, Gaming House, and Holosuite Arcade,
a wholly owned subsidiary of Quark Enterprises, Inc.
RULE
#1
In the village of Noi, there once lived a shopkeeper named Obe. Though his shop was small, he was well known for his many eccentricities. Chief among them was his insistence on “honesty” in all things. His goods were of the finest quality, his prices were fair and reasonable, and his weighing scales were accurate to one one-thousandth of a milliyop. He was, needless to say, the least popular man in the village.
One morning, Obe was seated behind the counter when a customer entered. This was quite an event, since no one in Noi would shop at the store of such an obvious lunatic. The new customer, Greb, a weary traveler headed for his home in the distant village of Korpa, purchased a single canister of beetle snuff and then hurried on. It was a full hour later before Obe realized that Greb had overpaid him by a half slip of latinum. Wracked with guilt, Obe set out for Korpa, determined to make restitution. But he was never to reach his destination.
Halfway to Korpa, Obe was set upon and brutally murdered by assassins hired by none other than Greb. It seems the man from Korpa had been carrying on a secret affair with Obe’s wife. Shortly after the funeral, Greb moved into Obe’s house, married his wife, and took over his store, where he made a fortune overcharging his customers for inferior merchandise.
Legend has it that the townspeople of Noi, wanting to make an example of Obe’s foolishness, decided to bury the shopkeeper with the half strip of latinum he had so desperately wanted to return. Unfortunately, someone (probably Greb) stole the latinum out of his hand during the funeral.
From the sad tale of Obe came the First Rule of Acquisition:
“Once you have their money you never give it back.”
The first two words any Ferengi (Armin Shimerman) learns in the hew-mon language: “no refunds.”
RULE
#3
Back in the early days (and by this we mean the real early early early days, not just olden times, or a while ago) when Ferenginar was young and green (and it didn’t rain so much), there were two races vying for control of the planet’s surface. One was the Ferengi, and the other was the Gree. Back then, the Ferengi were possessed of a tall, dark beauty, with magnificent feathered crests and long supple tails. Their striking good looks were the envy of all other creatures.
The Gree, on the other hand, were towering giants with long horny claws, poison-tipped barbs instead of hair, and seven rows of razor-sharp teeth. The wars between the Ferengi and the Gree were fierce, bloody, and without profit. Finally, the Blessed Exchequer tired of the bloodshed and descended unto Ferenginar from the Divine Treasury. Gathering together the leaders of the Ferengi and the Gree, He offered a peaceful solution to their conflict. He would hold a Sacred Auction. The prize: the Divine Right to rule Ferenginar. Each race would bid their proudest attributes, sacrificing them in exchange for mastery of the world.
The Gree opened the auction by bidding their poison-tipped barbs, which were duly collected by the Blessed Exchequer. The Ferengi countered by offering their luxuriant pelts, which were made into fur coats for wives of the Celestial Auctioneers. The Gree threw in their horny claws. The Ferengi upped the ante with their feathered crests. The Gree bid their legs, the Ferengi their tails. This spirited bidding continued until the Ferengi had also traded away their height, their straight teeth, and their perfect complexions, leaving them looking very much like they do today … hairless, compact, and bright orange.
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Finally, in a final desperate bid to defeat their competition, the Gree gave away everything that made them what they were … their four arms, their farseeing eyes, their gigantic size. The Exchequer made them the masters of the world, and in exchange they became small worm-like creatures, their now-tiny razor-sharp teeth fit only for burrowing in the soil. The Ferengi had lost.
Or had they? For as soon as the auction was over, Ferengi the world over began trapping the now-helpless little Gree and proceeded to eat them. For a few short days, the Gree had bought themselves the right to be masters of the world, but at what price? Without their enormous size, their barbs, their claws, their arms, and their legs, the Gree were soon reduced to a succulent snack.
Hence the Third Rule of Acquisition:
“Never pay more for an Acquisition than you have to.”
When it comes to doing business with another species (Randy Oglesby), Ferengi always take care to get the upper hand.
RULE
#6
When DaiMon Greko was only a little bitty Ferengi, his father began to fear he had some Klingon blood in him (on his mother’s side, of course). Young Greko was a fierce, aggressive, and physically fearless lobeling, not at all like the conniving, calculating, and devious normal Ferengi children he grew up with. But as it turned out, Greko’s father had no need for concern. For shortly after the lad grew to adulthood, the Ferengi purchased warp drive (at a substantial discount) from the Breen, and Greko found his niche in life. He became DaiMon Greko, the most famous (and most highly paid) ship’s captain of his time.
Needless to say, Greko’s father was delighted and sent his three other sons, Mecko, Hecko, and Trop, to serve under Greko. Greko found the arrangement to his liking. He was quite fond of his brothers, and his crew often said that with their appearance aboard ship, Greko finally learned to enjoy the fruits of his labor. The four brothers would stay up all night playing tongo, listening to aural sculpture, and sharing Orion slave girls in Greko’s holosuite. Yes, they were indeed a happy band of brothers.
Then one day, while the ship was carrying a load of top quality beetle snuff back to Ferenginar, Mecko, Hecko, and Trop decided to run a high-stakes game of three-toss in the cargo bay. In the middle of the game, the ship hit a freak warp eddy. The cargo bay was breached, and in danger of being decompressed into space.
Greko had to think fast. He could either save his beloved brothers by employing the emergency transporters to beam them to safety, or use the transporters to beam away the beetle snuff (estimated value three hundred bars of latinum). He couldn’t save both. Greko had to decide between the lives of his brothers and a sizable profit. It was not an easy decision. But Greko knew what he had to do.
With the latinum he earned from the beetle snuff, Greko built three life-sized statues of his dearly departed brothers and placed them in the garden of his ancestral home. They can still be seen there today (for a small admission fee).
DaiMon Greko never forgot the Sixth Rule of Acquisition:
“Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.”
Sure, they may behave like your average, well-adjusted Ferengi family (Aron Eisenberg, Armin Shimerman, Max Grodénehik) … but only if the latinum is right.
RULE
#7
It is a well known fact that the most popular personal grooming accessory for Ferengi males over the age of a hundred and fifty is Gweemo’s Lobemaster, “The Hair-Trimmer for Distinguished Ferengi.” But few know that the Lobemaster did not catch on in its initial release. Gweemo himself almost went bankrupt. But then his nephew, Squim, came up with the slogan, “Keep Your Ears Open. Use Gweemo’s Lobemaster.”
Needless to say, the new marketing plan was a brilliant success. In fact, it was the single most successful advertising campaign in the history of Ferenginar. That, combined with the fact that Lobemasters were given away for free but replacement bladeheads cost eighteen strips of latinum apiece, soon made Gweemo and Squim rich beyond their wildest dreams.
In honor of their unprecedented success, Grand Nagus Drik (for a sizable compensation) arranged it so that all Ferengi would remember their slogan forever.
So practice the Seventh Rule of Acquisition: Get a Gweemo’s Lobemaster and
“Keep Your Ears Open!”
Learn from the example of Grand Nagus Zek (Wallace Shawn): always grab the bull by the lobes.
RULE
#8
By purchasing a copy of the book, The Legends of the Ferengi, henceforth known as “The Book,” the buyer, henceforth known as “The Mark,” agrees to all of the following conditions: He, she, or it will render unto the authors of The Book all earnings accrued during the rest of this century, unless the turn of the century occurs in less than five years, in which case The Mark will continue to surrender all capital gains for the next twenty-five years. The Mark will also immediately surrender any and all baseball cards in their possession containing the likeness, be it photo or artist’s rendering, of Mickey Charles Mantle, a.k.a. the Mick, a.k.a. the Commerce Comet, a.k.a., the Greatest Switch-hitter in the History of Baseball. Finally, the Mark also agrees to forfeit the sum total of their personal collection of naked photos, holograms, or holosuite images of Demi Moore, Sharon Stone, Drew Barrymore (over the age of eighteen), Cameron Diaz, Claudia Schiffer, Elle MacPherson, Jennifer McCarthy, Naomi Campbell, or any other person who has been described in the press with any of the following labels: “sex personified,” “a hot-looking babe,” OR “the nineties ‘It’ Girl.” Please do not send pictures of Pamela Anderson Lee, whose naked photos have been published ad nauseam here on Ferenginar and no longer have any appreciable market value.
This should help you to remember the Eighth Rule of Acquisition:
“Small print leads to large risk.”
Would be entrepreneurs, don’t make this mistake. Never let anybody read you anything. That includes this book. Buy your own copy. Buy two copies. Oh, frinx, just order a case and be done with it.
RULE
#9
Following is an excerpt from the personal ledger of Grand Nagus Frek, the pioneer of Ferengi Econosolipsistic Mathematics:
This is the first ever appearance of the Ninth Rule of Acquisition:
“Opportunity plus instinct equals proft.”
As the hew-mons would say: “Eureka!”
RULE
#10
When the Scribes of the Sacred Illuminated Balance Sheet were about to put out their commemorative one thousandth edition, they approached Grand Nagus Brolok and asked him to provide a parable for the Tenth Rule of Acquisition. Brolok pocketed the customary bribe, thought for a moment, and then spoke the following words of wisdom:
“Some rules need no explanation.”
By taking the amount of the Scribes’ bribe and calculating it out on a per-word basis, this observation earned Brolok the distinction of uttering the most expensive words in Ferengi history.
This demonstrated Brolok’s complete mastery of the Tenth Rule of Acquisition:
“Greed is Eternal.”
Avarice never dies. And if it’s really lucky, it gets to be Nagus.
RULE
#13
Things worth doing for money: Things not worth doing for money:
Jump up and down on one foot until your hipbone is pounded into dust.
Lie to your boss.
Tell your boss the truth.
Help rich old Ferengi across the street.
Shove rich old Ferengi into traffic.
Show respect to your elders.
Three words: Professional Food Taster
Sell people ground-up beetles and convince them to snort them up their noses.
Stick stuff in your ears.
Stick stuff in other people’s ears.
Create your own religion.
Spread vicious rumors about your enemies.
Spread vicious rumors about your friends.
Spread vicious rumors about yourself.
; Blame the innocent.
Practice the One Hundred and Thirteenth Rule of Acquisition. (Go ahead. Look it up.)
Hang out with Klingons.
Write silly stories about people in the distant future.
Never forget the Thirteenth Rule of Acquisition:
“Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.”
Risk and profit go hand in hand.
RULE
#16
The following is a standard rider attached to any quotation of the Sixteenth Rule of Acquisition:
Before reading this rule, raise your right hand to your left lobe and your left hand to your right lobe and recite the following sacred Ferengi oath.
“I, (state your name), do hereby swear to never, under any circumstances, correctly quote this rule to any non-Ferengi. Furthermore, I swear, under penalty of eternal bankruptcy, that even under the most extreme duress, even if a Cardassian is doing unspeakable things to my lobes, I will maintain that the Sixteenth Rule of Acquisition, the most sacred of all Ferengi precepts is …
“‘A deal is a deal.’
“Period. No further stipulation. No extra clause. That’s the rule. Anything else you might’ve heard is purely rumor.”
Thank you. You may now read the Sixteenth Rule of Acquisition:
Which is, of course:
“A deal is a deal … until a better one comes along.”
Contrary to what the hew-mons may think, a handshake isn’t worth yamok sauce. Especially between a Ferengi and a loser like Tiron (Jeffrey Combs).
RULE
#17
The following is a standard rider attached to any quotation of the Seventeenth Rule of Acquisition: