Becca

by Krystek, Dean

  “Well…he’s here. He just walked in the door.”

  “And he didn’t call anyone? What the hell’s the matter with him?”

  “Rebecca…he’s in his room. I told him to call you and all he said was that you’d come by—he didn’t need to call.”

  “Well, he’s right. I’m on my way.”

  III

  Becca knocked on Bert’s door. There was no answer. Carol stood next to her, wringing her hands nervously, not know what to expect from her son who had suddenly appeared at her door with a thick medical file and a duffel bag.

  “What the hell’s the matter with him?” Becca asked. “Hey, Josh, open the door. It’s Becca.” She turned the handle and the door opened.

  Bert sat on his bed. He did not move.

  Becca gasped at Bert’s gaunt appearance and at his eyes with dark circles and at his expressionless face. “Hey you,” she said, fighting the urge to cry, and the urge to rush into his arms. As she crossed the room to him, his eyes followed her, but still he did not move. “Josh…are you going to just sit there or are you going to jump up and lay one on me?”

  Bert managed a smile and stood up. Becca encircled him with her arms and pulled him to her. After a moment’s hesitation, Bert’s arms went around her and he seemed to collapse against her. He buried his face against her neck.

  “I’m so glad you’re home,” Becca whispered.

  Bert said nothing, and continued to hold her closely.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were wounded? Where were you wounded?” She tried to break the embrace, but he would not have it. “Josh…what’s wrong?”

  Bert’s arms dropped to his side and he stepped away from her. “Nothing.”

  “Ah,” Becca waved her finger at him, “that’s a something nothing, buckaroo.” She gave him the once over. “You like you’ve got everything you went over there with. You could put on some weight, but otherwise you look okay.” She smiled, but her heart wasn’t in it. “So, what’s up?”

  “Nothing.”

  “So…I’ve been in this room for like what—five minutes—and still no kiss no oh-my-God-I’m-so-glad-to-see-you-Becca?”

  “I’m glad to see you,” Bert said.

  “Yeah…well…I expected something a little more meaningful than that.” She could not draw a smile from him so she dropped the comedy. “Okay, Josh—Bertram—what’s the matter? Don’t lie to me. Don’t tell me nothing’s wrong ‘cause I know better.”

  “I’m just so…tired… Can I sleep now? Maybe you can come back later?”

  “Maybe I can come back later. Sure. How much later? An hour…three hours—a day? Dammit, Josh…this isn’t going very well. What the hell’s wrong? Why didn’t you tell us you were wounded? Why don’t you wanna talk now?” Becca glanced at Carol, who shrugged. “Okay…this sure hasn’t turned out the way I’d planned. But, okay, Josh…after dinner? Say seven o’clock?”

  “Sure.”

  Becca reached out, took his hand, and kissed it. “I love you, Josh. You haven’t forgotten that, have you?”

  “No, I haven’t.”

  IV

  “What do you mean he’s not here?” Becca said when she arrived at Bert’s house that evening.

  “He left maybe an hour ago. I reminded him you were coming over, but just he walked out.”

  “You reminded him? He didn’t remember?”

  “He hasn’t spoken all day. I mean, he’s been in his room since you left this afternoon—didn’t come to dinner. When he came out finally it didn’t look like he’d slept at all. I’m worried about him. He needs…help.”

  “Where would he go?” Becca asked.

  “He mumbled something about going to work.”

  Becca rushed out, jumped into her car, and headed toward the gas station. She saw Bert walking up the steep hill as she drove down, and managed to make a U-turn at one of the intersections. She pulled up alongside him and honked the horn. He looked at her and came over to the car.

  “Just what in the hell do you think you’re doing?” Becca asked.

  “Walking home,” Bert said.

  “Hey, I can see that, Josh. But what in the hell are doing walking home? You knew I was coming over to see you.” She opened the door. “Get in.”

  Bert sat down in the passenger seat. “Thanks,” he said.

  Becca watched him a few seconds, but Bert merely looked out the windshield, and then, seeming to sense her stare, turned his head and his weary eyes now stared back. “Are we just going to sit here?” he asked.

  “No,” Becca said. She felt the car begin to slip backward, pressed the gas, and started up the hill. “We’re going to talk, Josh.”

  “I don’t feel like it.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “Becca…I…” He shrugged, sighed, and looked out the passenger window.

  “Something’s wrong, Josh. You’re going to tell me what’s wrong.”

  “I’m okay.”

  “No you’re not. Goddammit, Josh, something’s wrong.” Becca turned around again and went back down the hill. “And you’re not going home until you talk to me. Jesus Christ, Josh. You’ve been to a war, you’ve been wounded—which you never told me about, thank you very much—and now you’re out of the army way ahead of time. You come home without telling me, and you leave the house when you knew I was coming over, and you tell your mom you’re going to work. Then you walk to the gas station—I know that’s where you went so don’t lie about that—and expect me to believe that nothing’s wrong?”

  “I’m sorry, Becca. Please, just take me home.”

  “Josh—”

  “Please.”

  They were at the bottom of the hill now, and Becca went through the intersection, pulled into the A & P parking lot, and parked the car. She turned in her seat to face Bert.

  “How are you, Becca,” she said in a mocking voice. “I’m fine, Josh. How are you? I’m great. I’m back home, I’m with the girl I love, I’m ready to take on the world with her because she told me that’s we were going to do when I got home and I can’t wait to get started. Well, Josh let’s make some plans. Oh, by the way, Josh, I’m on the honor roll in school. Oh, and guess what? My cancer has been in remission, so that’s why I look so wonderful now. Yes, Becca, you look ravishing—love the new hairdo as a matter of fact. Thank you, Josh, I’m letting it grow because I really don’t like the I’ve-got-cancer-and-that’s-why-my-hair’s-so-short-look. But I have to tell you, I’m a little concerned—pause—and why are you concerned, Becca? Well, Josh, I’m concerned because recently I’ve experienced some pain and I’m worried that the cancer is coming back. I’ve had pains before and it wasn’t the cancer, but I can’t be too sure so I have an appointment to see Doctor London tomorrow, and I want to cancel it because you’re home now, but I really shouldn’t so I’ll go. Oh I’m sure it’s nothing, Becca...” She paused. “You see, Josh, we should be having a conversation like that instead of sitting in this goddamned parking lot, and me listening to only my voice. And, oh—by the way—I’ve missed you too much for words, and I love you very much—I adore you actually—but I’m pissed off because you stopped writing.

  “Okay, Josh, this is the part where you tell me where you were wounded, and how you are doing, and why the Army let you go so soon and—”

  “I’m crazy,” Bert said.

  “Oh, hell, I knew that. Really, why are you out of the army? Why do you have to go to the VA?”

  “I’m crazy.”

  “No…seriously.” Becca saw the blank expression on his face and watched him shrug. “Oh, Josh…I’m not making fun of you. But—gee, I thought you coming home would be a much happier occasion than this.” She took his hand. “You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong. And don’t say you’re crazy.”

  “I can’t sleep.”

  “Oh…well…it’s the long trip—jet lag I think they call it.”

  He shook his head. “No…I haven’t slept in a long time, Becca. I can’t.”


  “Why can’t you?”

  He sighed heavily. “I…just can’t.”

  “The goddamned war, Josh. I’ve heard of stuff like this when guys came back from World War Two and they couldn’t leave the war behind. You’re not crazy, darling. You’ve…seen things I don’t want to know about. But the VA can help you. You’ll talk to someone there who’ll get you straight.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Josh, why did you get an early discharge?”

  He shrugged. “I got evaluated in Frisco and…they said I wasn’t fit for further service. I’m crazy…insane.”

  “As far as you being crazy, hell I know that. I could’ve told ‘em you shouldn’t be allowed in the army. But you’re not insane. That’s crap.” Becca started the car. “I’m taking you home, Josh, and we’re going to sit on your porch and talk this through.”

  V

  “Tell me what’s wrong, baby,” Becca said as they sat on the porch swing.

  Bert shook his head. “I can’t.”

  “Sure you can.”

  “No, I can’t!” Bert stood up. “Becca…please…I’m—I don’t want to talk about it. I want to try to sleep now, okay? I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  Crushed, Becca felt tears well in her eyes, but blinked them away. “Okay, Josh. Sure.” She stood up and Bert hugged her.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “I know, baby, I know.”

  VI

  “I’m sorry,” Dr. London said.

  Becca sat frozen, her mother at her side. “It’s not fair.”

  “We’ll start treatment immediately. This has happened before and we’ve beaten it.”

  “But.”

  “But?”

  “There’s a but there, doc that you didn’t say. A big but.”

  Dr. London said, “It appears to be more…aggressive than before. I’m sorry.”

  “So we just pissed it off and it’s coming back with a vengeance.”

  Dr. London smiled. “Yes, I suppose you could put it that way.”

  “What happens?”

  “We’ll start with chemo and see if we can piss it off again—as you say.”

  “I’d rather kill it.”

  “So would I, and frankly I thought we had. We’ll start tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow? I was going to see Josh.”

  “Well perhaps after the treatment.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. I won’t start puking my insides out until after a couple of days of treatment.”

  “Miss Smith, I am truly sorry we’ve got to start over.”

  “You? I’ve got a lot going on, doc. I’m on the dean’s list at school, I’m in the drama club, I’ve got my boyfriend back—and he needs me, doc. He really does. He just came back from war, you know, and he’s all—he needs me. And you tell me now that I’ve got this goddammed cancer back and I’ve got to set all that aside to take this poison into me that kills the cancer and makes me feel like shit.”

  “Honey,” Mary said, consoling her daughter with a pat to her shoulder.

  “Mom, I know it might not be important to you, but Josh needs me.”

  “I know you think he does, but you’ve said he’ll be going to the VA—”

  “What’re they going to do? Just give him drugs and listen to him…but he needs more than that. He needs me.” She spoke to Dr. London now. “You’ve got to make it quick because I want to be finished with everything as soon as I can so I can spend as much time as I can with Josh.” She nodded emphatically.

  Dr. London said, “We’ll see if we can minimize the effects.”

  “That’s bullshit and you know it,” Becca said, pointing her finger at him. “You know it’s going to screw me up.”

  VII

  “So,” Becca said, “this is where it all began—I mean for us.”

  Bert leaned back in the chair. “Yeah…” He wasn’t smiling and his lack of emotion concerned Becca.

  “So…um…Josh, this is what you’re going to do with the rest of your life?”

  “For now.”

  She sighed heavily; wanting to tell him of the latest developments but not sure if that would make matters worse. She wondered also if he would even listen, or understand what it meant. Would he even care? The cancer was breaking her spirit, but he was breaking her heart. She sat down on the edge of the desk. “I talked to your mom today and she said you’ve got an appointment with the VA next week. That’s wonderful.”

  Bert shrugged. “Yeah, I suppose.”

  “Well, make sure you tell the doctors what you’re telling us.” She sighed. “Josh…there’s something I’ve got to tell you.”

  Bert merely shrugged and said, “I’m sorry for—” He said suddenly, but didn’t finish. A car came into the gas station and he went out to service it.

  Becca remained on the desk, watching Bert’s every move. He didn’t smile, didn’t talk, his shoulders slumped. He was going through the motions. Everything she loved about him was off kilter. The war had hurt him far more than physically. She dabbed at tears that welled in her eyes as Bert walked back into the office.

  “Still here?” he asked.

  “Where else would I go? It’s Saturday…no school.” She paused. “Josh—Bertram—I don’t like this.” She desperately wanted to hold him and feel his arms around her. “Please, I actually need a hug right now. You know? I need it badly. I don’t know what’s going on inside that head of yours, but you’ve got to snap out of it, okay? I need you.” She squeezed his hand and felt tears spill to her cheek. When she wiped her eyes, she saw him staring at her. His hand came up to wipe at her tears and he then looked at the moisture on his fingertips as if not comprehending what he was seeing. “What’s wrong?”

  Now he looked at her eyes—not her eyes but her tears and he took some more of them onto his fingertips. “She…cried.” He shrugged and looked away. Then he looked back at Becca as a car pulled into the station and stopped on the other side of the island. “Have to…uh…got a customer.”

  “Wait a minute, Josh!” Becca reached out to him, but he ignored her touch. “Who are you talking about?”

  When Bert came back inside, Becca stood up and said, “What did you mean she cried?” She winced at the pain that suddenly shot up her leg. Bert didn’t notice. “What did you mean? Who cried?”

  “What’re you talking about?” He seemed genuinely puzzled.

  “I’m not hearing things. Josh...you’re beginning to worry me—no, you have been worrying me. Since you got back. You don’t talk…you don’t…you don’t act like we’re anything. Now, I remember you saying we weren’t anything—only that was a long time ago. But we’re something now…right?”

  “Yes, I guess we are.” He smiled weakly.

  VIII

  “Where’d he go?” Barb asked.

  Becca said, “I wish I knew. He just left. His mom doesn’t know where he went. He told her he’d be back…” She fought the tears, but lost the fight. Barb took her in her arms. “And this,” she said, “thing is after me again.” She made a fist and hit her leg.

  IX

  “He’s in a VA hospital,” Carol said.

  “Oh my God!” Becca shouted into the phone. “What happened?”

  “I got a call from the VA hospital in Atlanta. He’s been there the past week. He’s…well he was found sleeping in the bus station and when the police asked him to leave, he flipped out. Started screaming about killing somebody.”

  “Oh…no!” Becca paused, stifling her sobs. “Did he?”

  “No, honey, he didn’t. The police held him for a while but couldn’t get anything out of him, and couldn’t connect him to any crime, so they turned him over to the VA when they found out he was a veteran.”

  “How is he? Is he coming home?”

  “He’s being evaluated.”

  “Hah. Evaluated. For what? For how long? I want him home.” She said quietly. “I need him, Carol. Right now.”

  “What’s wrong, honey? Oh…don
’t tell me—your cancer?”

  “It’s kicking my ass, Carol—sorry. But I’m not going down without a fight.”

  X

  “They’re keeping him for a while,” Carol said.

  “They didn’t say how long?”

  “No. He’s had some…episodes…”

  “What the hell is an episode?”

  “How are you doing?”

  “We’re not going with radiation this time, Carol.”

  “Oh, dear.”

  “And we’re not going with chemo, either.”

  “I understand. Oh, dear…I’m so sorry.”

  “Yeah, well, Josh—Bertram—would have you believe it doesn’t matter.”

  XI

  “Okay,” Becca said to Dr. London, “I’m ready.”

  Dr. London said, “I’m going to leave as much—”

  “Please,” Becca held up her hand, “spare me the details. Just kill the bastard, okay? Make sure it doesn’t come back Oh, and doc, one more thing before you put me under.”

  “What’s that, Rebecca?”

  “I’d like an old Chinese guy standing by just in case.”

  Dr. London chuckled. “I promise you, Rebecca, that you won’t need him.”

  “Okay, doc. I’m taking your word for it.” She sighed heavily and blinked back tears, which nurse Chambers wiped away with a tissue. “Let’s do it now before I change my mind.”

  Eleven

  I

  Becca stepped out of the elevator and paused. The VA hospital had even a more intense institutional aura about than Allegheny General in spite of its location on a hill overlooking Pitt Stadium and the University of Pittsburgh. The atmosphere of despair and sadness overwhelmed her. This place existed only because of war. The men here had paid some kind of price for the privilege to be here—to die here. She tried to keep her spirits up, however the locked doors on either side of the nurses’ station made that difficult. Those doors led to the wards—Josh was behind one of the locked doors. In the room on the left, a man and woman sat holding hands, their eyes downcast and their faces displaying a kind of hopelessness. The nurse at the reception desk regarded Becca curiously, as she approached and smiled warmly when Becca’s face lit up with a smile.