“You're strong,” Faramond told her, “but you need to learn how to be more stealthy.”
Athena nudged him, but Faramond could almost see the fire in her eyes. It would be tough, but perhaps someday that fire would be back permanently. Someday she would smile again, and be the little girl running through the streets of Edgehill without a care in the world.
Chapter 5
Athena and Faramond walked slowly, leading Sapphire the horse. Every so often, Faramond stopped, bent down, and smoothed the dirt. He was hiding their footprints, erasing them. If anyone were to walk through the forest, they would find no trace of Athena and Faramond. He was even able to conceal Sapphire's prints.
It looked like tedious work, and it was certainly slowing the journey down. Faramond had been in a hurry, but he didn't seem to be hurrying now, seeing as he felt the need to stop after every step.
“If you keep stopping, someone's going to find us,” Athena said, rolling her eyes. “We're vulnerable.”
“We're not vulnerable,” Faramond replied. “The whole point of hiding the trail is so that no one else can discover it. No one else can follow it. Therefore, no one will find us. If I simply ignored the trail, being as reckless as you, we'd both be dead already.”
“I'm not reckless,” Athena muttered, though she was fully aware this was all her fault. They shouldn't have had to be running away in the first place. If only she would have listened to Faramond. If only she had been less reckless. She would never get over it. She knew her grandparents would be alive right now if she would have just listened to Faramond.
Stop cursing yourself.
“I can't!”
Faramond glanced at her worriedly. He still hadn't said anything, but his concern and fear was obvious. Athena had been talking to herself a lot lately. She wasn't sure if there was such a thing as a healthy amount of talking to oneself, but if there was, she had gone far beyond it. She was at the point of no return, or at least that was how she felt.
“Just shut up, please,” Athena whispered. “Leave me alone.”
“Athena-”
“I wasn't talking to you,” Athena stressed, waving Faramond away. She kicked the dirt up, sending a cloud of smoke into the air. Sapphire neighed disapprovingly, shaking off the dirt Athena had managed to get on her.
“Look at this,” Faramond said, pointing at the ground. Athena had kicked a hole into the dirt. Athena ignored him.
“Hide it,” Faramond demanded. His voice was steady, but his eyes told a different story. “You can't even tell a human caused it.”
“Hide it,” Faramond said more sharply.
Why do you keep defying him?
“I don't want to.”
“I don't care what you want. If you want to stay safe, you'd better hide any evidence that you were here.”
Athena sighed. “Like I said, you can't even tell a human made it.”
Faramond knelt down on the ground, scooping up some dirt and smoothing it over the hole. He sunk down into the earth and began to shake his head.
He's angry.
“Faramond?”
He stared up at Athena, eyes shining with... pity. Not anger, nor irritation, but pity. Why? “You've been through so much, Athena.”
“I don't want your pity, Faramond.”
“You can't just throw yourself away. You can't just give up on yourself, Athena. Think of all of the people that need you. Think of Tobin.”
Athena's stomach tightened into knots, twisting. The air in her lungs nearly disappeared. “I don't want to think about Tobin.”
“That's not true.”
Stop denying things, Athena. Is this your way of being strong? Because you're acting like the little brats in the town square, who used to whine and cry when their mothers wouldn't let them play in the mud.
“I'm sorry,” Athena whispered.
“Don't apologize. Show me you're sorry, don't tell me.”
“Did you not hear me when I said I killed a man, Faramond?” Athena looked away from him. “It destroyed me.”
“It's not an excuse to give up. This isn't who you are, Athena. Where's the girl who used to go running through Edgehill, not caring about staining her dress or getting dirt smudged on her face? Who lived life to the fullest? What you're doing right now, is it living?
“There's dirt all over my face,” Athena answered.
“But tell me, are you really living?”
“How can I live when I know I'm going to die?!”
Faramond didn't answer for a moment. “Death is inevitable, but that doesn't mean you have to throw your life away.”
“King Landgrave is winning. My parents and grandparents are dead because of him. And me, I may as well be dead. I go madder every day, every second.”
“Concentrate on something else, Athena! Concentrate on training your mind and body. On controlling yourself. On becoming the guardian.”
Athena pressed a foot into the ground and then knelt. She smoothed over her footprint and looked up at Faramond, as if to say, “There, I did it. Happy?”
He looked at her approvingly. “Do that after every step you take.”
“Where are we even going?” Athena asked, standing back up, wiping her hands on her soiled clothing.
“As far from Edgehill as possible.” Faramond stepped forward.
“Any destination in particular? Could we go to the king's palace and-”
“You already know the answer.”
Athena shrugged. “Do you honestly think I'm going to improve, Faramond?”
“I do. With a tremendous amount of training, I think you'll be okay. By no means will you be the same as you were before all of this happened, but I think you really can find happiness again, Athena.”
“Was that supposed to reassure me?”
Faramond smiled slightly. “Did it work?”
“Not at all.” Athena began to walk forward, falling into stride beside Faramond. They didn't speak for a while, as they devoted their energy to covering their trail and venturing farther away from Edgehill.
Of course, Athena couldn't forget anything that had happened. Nothing could distract her completely, but as she strode through the forest, almost leisurely, she found that her mind and heart felt a little less heavy. It was like some of her burdens decided she could rest. It was only temporary, but it felt good.
The farther Athena got from Edgehill, and the more unfamiliar the forest became, the more it began to resemble the place of peace Athena once had. The area around Edgehill and all of the bad memories associated with it were far away. Athena remembered the night Faramond had told her she was the guardian. The night she had first fallen apart. It was mere months ago, but it felt like years had passed. So much had already transpired. Already, Athena had lost so much.
But the forest was a place of refuge. Even with its bare trees and gray dirt, it was still peaceful. Athena was not paranoid that someone was following her. Faramond was intelligent and wise; he knew what he was doing. He wasn't so stupid as to let someone follow him. If Athena would have listened to him in the first place...
Stop!
“I can't.”
“Can't what?” Faramond asked, smoothing dirt over his footprints.
“Nothing,” Athena said.
“I can't help but notice you've been talking to yourself quite a bit.”
Athena shut her eyes. I can find my footprints, but I can't hide my insanity.
“You said that out loud,” Faramond said.
“I know.”
“Athena, I can help you, as part of your mental training-”
“Can you save me from my mind?”
Faramond sighed. “You know that answer too.”
Athena began to walk ahead of him. “Teach me stealth.”
“All right,” Faramond nodded. “First of all, you can't just mindlessly step over leaves. The crunching sound is loud; if not for the simple ambiance of the forest, anyone would be able to hear it.”
Athena p
urposely stepped on top of a dead leaf, scrunching in into the ground, causing a giant footprint in the dirt. She rolled her eyes and covered the mark, leaving the tattered leaf buried in the ground and her footprint hidden. Faramond nodded approvingly, but he gently picked up each leaf in their visible path and tossed them to the trees so Athena wouldn't mess anything up. After all, she messed up an awful lot.
Shut up.
“Don't step on anything that could make an excessive amount of noise,” Faramond said, ignoring Athena's ramblings to herself. “Being silent is your ultimate goal; not just quiet, but silent.”
I can't be silent if I'm talking to myself now, can I?
“Leave no trace, and that includes your voice. You must be like a ghost, Athena.”
“Like my parents, like my grandparents-”
Faramond cut her off. “Like an ethereal spirit. Here, but not here at the same time.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Be secretive, Athena. That's what it means. Discreet, invisible, transparent. Stealth is an art, and not an easy one to perfect.”
“I don't think any kind of art is easy to perfect,” Athena mumbled. “Especially when your life depends on the amount of skill you have.”
“It's going to be okay,” Faramond said, though he wasn't looking at her.
Athena wasn't sure whether she wanted to hear him say that again. By this point, the words sounded empty. They were nothing more than a mantra, repeated over and over, every time Athena made a mistake. Every time she wanted to cry, every time she wanted to die, there those words were. They were meant to save her, but they weren't doing such a great job.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
“Is that the way you talk to your mentor?”
“You know I'm not talking to you,” Athena said.
“I'm the only other person here, Athena.”
“The Shadow is here too, tormenting me.”
“Is it the Shadow, or yourself?”
“You're supposed to be teaching me stealth!” Athena stomped on a leaf, the crunch loud enough to startle her. She bent down to hide the evidence of it, making a flat mound of dirt over the broken leaf.
Faramond didn't speak. He simply watched Athena for a moment, a curious look on his face. Athena wanted to inquire as to just what on earth it was he was looking at, but instead she turned away from him and stared at the ground, avoiding anything that could be stepped on as she walked along the trail.
“You're forgetting to conceal your tracks,” Faramond whispered.
Athena sighed exaggeratedly. “Are you going to teach me stealth or not?”
“Are you ready to listen?” Faramond asked. “Ready to lose that attitude of yours?”
No. The word hadn't been spoken aloud. It was only in her mind. That was almost a relief. But you have to listen, unless you want to make things worse for yourself. Athena looked up, Faramond gave no indication that he had heard her. Those words had also remained in her head. She was still talking to herself, but not audibly. Perhaps it was an improvement. Athena wondered if the improvement was temporary, like many improvements were.
“I'm ready to listen,” she said.
Faramond smiled faintly, exhaustion mixed with relief written on his lined face. He was sick of her, but he wasn't going to give up on her. He'd already confirmed that. No matter how hard it was to believe, Faramond wasn't going to abandon Athena.
“In order to be a ghost-”
You have to die.
“You have to move and dress in a way that conceals the most of you. Move quickly, like a cat in the night, blend in with your surroundings. Camouflage.”
“How am I supposed to camouflage myself?” Athena asked, peering at her makeshift tunic. The forest was gray, but her clothing was a mixture of brown and dark green, more suited to the summer forest than winter.
“You like nature, correct?”
Athena nodded. “More than anything else.”
“Well, look at your surroundings, surely you could come up with something.”
“There's nothing to make clothing out of.”
“Does effective camouflage only mean clothing?” Faramond smiled slyly. “You're intelligent, Athena. I know you can find something to help.”
“I'd be disturbing the nature. If someone else were to walk along this path, they'd discover that someone had tampered with the surroundings. A spy would know I was here.”
“You've already learned how to put things back in their place,” Faramond said.
Athena curiously reached into the dirt, grabbing a handful. Hesitantly, she smudged it over her face and clothing. It wasn't enough to be effective, but she suspected she looked a bit grayer. “No matter what, I'm not going to be able to completely hide myself, Faramond.”
“Of course not. Only a real ghost could be invisible. But from a distance, you could be completely hidden. Cake yourself in enough dirt, and someone standing all the way back there would think you were another tree.”
“The disguise is ruined once they come closer,” Athena said.
“You can be like a ghost, Athena, but you can't be one.”
I could if I died. She said that out loud.
Faramond sighed. “I don't want to hear this talk of death anymore.”
“I don't want to talk about being the guardian anymore, but I have to deal with it, don't I,” Athena grumbled. “Pick your poison, Faramond. Do you want dark, brooding Athena, or the Athena who likes to cry and talk to herself?”
“Where's the girl with the fire in her eyes?”
Athena closed her eyes. “She's not here.”
“But she still exists.”
“She's not here,” Athena said more forcefully. “She'll be back.”
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
“Who are you talking to now?” Faramond asked.
“Everyone and everything.” Athena grabbed a fistful of dirt and smeared it over her clothes. She bent down to grab a leaf and crinkled it in her hair, blending dirt and leaves together to make her hair look as disgusting, yet as forest-like as possible. When done, she looked to Faramond for approval. “Do I look like the forest?”
Faramond sprinkled one last touch of dirt on her. “As much as you possibly can with what's available.”
“So what else do I need to know about stealth?” Athena asked.
“You've learned about camouflage and keeping quiet, but you haven't yet learned how to hide once being discovered.”
“If I'm good enough at being stealthy, why would I be discovered?”
“Even some of the greatest thieves in history haven't always been able to hide. Fortunately, a good thief knows how to hide again before it's too late,” Faramond said.
“Now you're talking about thieves?” Athena shook her head. “Who's insane again?”
“Thieves are better at stealth than anyone. If I could find one, I'd have them teach you. They know how to pick locks, sneak past guards and soldiers, even steal keys directly off a guard. In my teenage years, I actually befriended a thief. He was robbing my neighbor, an irritating fool, so I didn't mind much. The fool deserved to be robbed...”
Athena stopped listening, her mind suddenly swarming. Here she was, wrestling with herself again, just as she always seemed to do. She had to fight herself before she could fight anyone else, but how?
“... we always got into so much trouble, he and I. I've always wondered what became of him.”
“What did you say?” Athena asked, trying to concentrate on Faramond's words, trying to shake away her thoughts.
Faramond looked crestfallen for a moment, but he quickly recovered, giving her a tiny smile. “I was talking about my old friend. It wasn't important, Athena.”
“I'm sorry,” Athena said softly, and she meant it, but she knew, just like 'it's going to be okay',
'I'm sorry', was becoming an empty phrase. Even if she meant it more than she'd ever meant anything, it wouldn't make the impact she wanted. “I'm trying, Faramond.�
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He smiled a bit wider. “I can see you're trying.”
“The girl with the fire in her eyes is trying to break free, but she's trapped,” Athena said, once again on the verge of tears. “She's stuck, Faramond. All of these burdens keep weighing her down, trying to drown her, and she keeps fighting, but I don't know for how much longer. She wants her family back. She wants her best friend back. She wants all of these bad things to go away forever. To leave her alone, but she also knows that the bad won't just go away. It wants to haunt her. It wants to end her. There's a darkness inside of her.”
“There's a darkness inside all of us,” Faramond whispered gently. “We all have to fight it.”
“But you don't understand. You aren't the guardian, Faramond, there's not a darkness whispering to you, trying to break you at every moment. You don't know what it's like.”
“But I know you can keep fighting it, Athena.”
“Don't say it,” Athena said, knowing the words that would next spill from his mouth. You're the strongest person I know. Another empty, meaningless sentence. Everything would be okay when it actually was. She'd be sorry when she actually showed it. She'd be the strongest person anyone knew when she stopped being weak. Until then, all of these words meant nothing.
What about 'I love you’? Does that mean anything?
“Yes,” Athena said. “That means everything.” She wished so badly she could say it to Jermyn and Laguna, her parents, and Tobin. Especially Tobin. He was the only one who was still around to say it to. Assuming he was alive. He had to be. If he wasn't, then neither was Athena.
“Do you want to hear a story about my stealthy thieving friend?” Faramond asked.
“Yes, I'd love to,” Athena answered, genuinely. She and Faramond walked through the forest, covering their tracks after every few steps, both camouflaged in gray dirt and leaves. They whispered, keeping relatively quiet, but not silent. Faramond decided it was better that they speak so that Athena could be distracted from the enemies of her mind. Sapphire, the horse, trailed behind them as if watching over them. If anyone attacked them from behind, Sapphire would be there to protect them.
The Enlightenment Page 3