The journey was long and arduous, but Athena slowly began to break away from her own mind. As the hours passed, she found that her inner voices began to talk less and less. Sometimes, her mind was completely silent. It was tremendously calming.
Chapter 6
That night, Athena fell asleep quickly, her energy drained from the long day of walking. Of course, it wasn't a peaceful sleep, but she made the most of it, trying to regain as much energy as possible for yet another long day ahead. Her nightmares were in full force, attacking her mind like soldiers on a battlefield. Unfortunately, the soldiers were on the winning side. Athena stood alone on the field, her army dead around her. She had lost. And now she had to surrender. But she couldn't let herself. She struggled, struggled, struggled until sunlight hit her eyelids and Faramond's voice filtered through her ears.
“How long did I sleep?” Athena asked, shooting awake, taking in her surroundings. Sapphire was still sound asleep, snoring as softly as a horse could.
“Five hours or so,” Faramond answered, yawning. “The sun's up, which is unusual. I don't think I've seen it for over a month.”
“Maybe it's a sign that things are suddenly going to be okay?” Athena asked, though she didn't expect an answer.
“That would certainly be nice,” Faramond mumbled. “Absolutely fantastic.”
“What's the plan for today?” Athena stood up and began to stretch her aching muscles. Her stomach growled, but the food was rationed. Only one meal per day, so that their food supply would last at least two weeks. Athena was hardly more than a skeleton, though her physical training had helped her bulk up a bit. Not enough. I need more muscle. I can't look like a helpless little girl. Yet, at this point, she hardly looked human. She looked like a wild animal, leaves strewn in her unkempt hair, dirt smudged across her face and caked all over her clothing. Her boots were in a state of disrepair, hardly holding together. She needed a better-quality pair, not that there was a place to purchase them in the middle of a forest.
Were they even still in the middle of the forest? Athena couldn't recognize a thing. Edgehill was probably over a dozen miles away by now. Athena didn't even know what lay on the other side of the forest. She knew what villages bordered Edgehill, as they were all on clear, flat land, but she'd never even been curious about the other side of the forest. As far as she was concerned, there was nothing beyond her home. Yet, now she was facing reality. The kingdom of Galbar was a massive place, filled with millions of civilians. Millions of lives that Athena was responsible for. She hardly wanted to think about it, but she had to. No matter what.
“Where are we?” she asked Faramond, gathering up her pack.
“Far away from home.” Faramond didn't elaborate.
“Where are we going?”
“To safety.”
“Faramond, we both know there's no such thing as safety. Not for me at least.”
Faramond nudged the sleeping horse. “Time to go, Sapphire.” He tucked his trousers into his boots and slung his pack over his shoulders.
“Did you hear me?” Athena asked.
“Well, we're going to find safety anyway. At least a semblance of it.” Faramond looked around their encampment, making sure they had gathered everything and there wasn't any evidence of their stay. He analyzed every last inch of their site, even picking up a strand of Athena's hair off the ground. He pulled it apart until nothing remained. No trace of the minuscule piece of hair was left; no trace of Athena and Faramond was left.
“You ready to go?” Faramond asked.
If we were going back home. Silly Athena, you have no home anymore. Your home is long gone. But that didn't stop her heart from aching for her grandparent's bakery. She could smell the fresh bread and taste its sweetness on her lips. She could see her grandparents, Jermyn smiling at her and Laguna giving her a tiny approving nod. She could see in their eyes how much they loved her. “Let's go,” she said, pushing her thoughts away.
The pair walked in silence, both becoming consumed in their own thoughts. Faramond liked to put on the pretense of being clear-minded, but even he had to have problems. Surely he had his own personal demons. He was a soldier who had spent eighteen years of his life watching over her, having to live a lie. It must have taken its toll. He could pretend that he was okay with it, but even he must have thought, 'What if? What if I didn't agree to protect this insolent little brat?’
Suddenly, Faramond stopped walking. He turned to Athena.
“Is something wrong?” They must have gone three miles or so, barren trees still surrounding them from all directions.
“We're far enough away from Edgehill now.” Athena eyed her mentor quizzically.
“We can begin your training.”
“Faramond, was everything we've been doing up to this point not training?”
Faramond unsheathed his dagger. “Now we can officially begin.”
“Again, did we not officially already begin? I seem to recall throwing daggers and knives, shooting targets-”
“Now we don't have to worry about someone discovering us,” Faramond said. “We're free.”
Except that we have giant targets on our backs. Spies are after us. King Landgrave wants us dead. The Shadow is trying to turn me against myself, which doesn't even make sense. Other than that, I suppose we are free.
“You know what I mean,” Faramond huffed. “I didn't mean to say any of that out loud.”
“You have been improving since yesterday,” Faramond said. “I've hardly heard you talking to yourself for quite a while now.”
“I think it gets worse when I'm more stressed.” Athena could have laughed, but she found little humor in the plight that was her life. Maybe someday she could look back on all of this and just have a great big laugh. With Tobin by her side. Look back on all of the horrible things she'd experienced and simply let go. If only I could let go.
“You think we'll be safe out here?” Athena asked, drawing her weapons.
“As safe as we'll ever be,” Faramond replied. “We're on the outskirts of the forest right now. The nearest village is about seven miles away, still quite the distance. No one out there would dare come here.”
“Are you sure?” Athena knew it was stupid. If anyone could be trusted, it was Faramond. He always knew what he was talking about.
“I've done a lot of exploring in my life,” Faramond said. “The people of that village fear the forest. It's considered haunted by evil spirits. They believe that there is nothing beyond it but hell itself.”
Athena was stunned. She'd never heard this before. Galbar was large and diverse. Of the millions of people who lived here, many were completely different from each other. They had their own cultures, their own languages even. King Landgrave may have been the ruler of them all, but that was the only thing Galbar's inhabitants had in common.
And Athena could not shake the thought that she was responsible for every last one of them. They were her people. Her lives to save. She was the Guardian of the Kingdom, and though she wasn't going to embrace that face, she did accept it.
“Have these people ever heard of Edgehill?” she asked.
Faramond shook his head. “Never. They refuse to believe anything exists beyond the forest. Anything an outsider tells them is taken as legend, or even lies.”
“What about everything on their side of the forest?”
“Everything on their side is Galbar.”
“And everything else just doesn't exist? Haven't any of them ever traveled?”
“Those who leave the village never return. Our kingdom is an interesting place, isn't it?” Faramond mused. “Most of us spend our entire lives in our towns, never venturing away, never exploring the world around us. But how can you live your whole life ignoring all of this beauty?”
“That's what I used to tell my grandmother,” Athena said. “She didn't understand how I could run around scraping my knees on tree trunks and splashing in mud. She only told me it wasn't ladylike, and I wondered how s
he could spend every day cooped up in the bakery. It would have driven me mad to never go outside. Nature was my escape. It still is.” Athena sighed. “As much as it can be.”
“There's always some sort of escape,” Faramond said. “How could anyone live with constant burdens? There's always got to be a way to just numb everything for a while, to chase the problems away. But whether that escape turns into a virtue or vice is up to you.”
“Have you always been so wise?” Athena asked. “I mean, underneath the acting? You sound like some ancient sage or something.”
“I just have a lot of life experience.” Faramond smiled. “If I ever have to disguise myself again, I'd like to play the part of a wise old man. I'm starting to look a bit old, don't you think?” He stroked his goatee, which was graying. His face was etched in lines that hadn't been there before. Faramond was in his mid-thirties, but he appeared to be older, a product of great stress.
Athena wondered how much she had aged. She hadn't looked in a mirror for a while. Did she look like a rabid animal? A frail, sickly woman? A skinny little girl? Or perhaps some bizarre combination of all of them?
“You'd probably be an even more convincing old man than a drunken fool,” Athena said. “But I hope you don't have to go through that again. I can't imagine keeping up an act for fourteen years, especially one where you have to change everything about yourself. Pretending to be an idiot for such a long time, didn't it drive you mad?”
“Sometimes the alcohol became my vice,” Faramond said. “But I had to protect you, at all costs. Your life was and is far more important than mine, Athena. I will defend you until the day I die.”
Don't die. “You'll fight by my side, Faramond. We'll both make it out of this alive.”
“There's the positivity I've been hoping for,” Faramond laughed. “I can almost see that fire igniting.”
Were Athena's eyes glowing with strength? Confidence? She felt neither strong nor confident, but she did feel... different. More alert, aware of everything around her. She was quickly adapting to this previously unexplored part of the forest. It would be her temporary home, her base while she trained. She'd become proficient with all weapons, learn how to control her nightmares, and learn how to conquer her mind. She'd become strong, eventually. She would stop being so terrified.
I am the Guardian of the Kingdom. I'm going to save all of Galbar. I'm going to stop King Landgrave and the Shadow. I'm going to save myself too. For her parents. For her grandparents. For Tobin. For Faramond. And for everybody else. The strangers she'd never spoken to, the nameless people who lived far away, and the people who didn't even know Edgehill existed. All of their lives mattered. All of them were important. Athena wouldn't allow them to die.
“So, shall we begin training?” Faramond asked, pointing his dagger at Athena's throat. She lifted her own dagger.
“I'm ready.”
Chapter 7
As the days went by, Athena grew increasingly sore. Every muscle in her body ached fiercely by the time the moon cast a light on the forest. Her legs felt like jelly when she woke up in the morning, and no amount of stretching rid her of the dull pain. It was yet another burden to bear, but for once, Athena didn't mind. Training was a distraction, a helpful distraction.
When Athena was training, the pain in her body replaced the pain in her heart and mind. She concentrated on strengthening her muscles, becoming proficient with weapons, learning how to fight and defend herself. Learning how to cope with taking the life of another human being.
She looked at her targets as if they were real people, and not just dots on tree trunks. For the first few days, Athena shook with fear every time she imagined her targets as opponents. More than once she vomited, not being able to bear her own thoughts of blood and lifeless eyes. She'd killed one person, wasn't that enough? Would she really have to kill more? Would her own soul be sucked away, leaving a blank stare and empty eyes? Athena had to fight her tears. She couldn't let her emotions best her. There was no room for emotion, now more than ever.
“You've trained with a bow before,” Faramond said, bringing Athena out of a daze.
“I've done quite a bit of hunting,” she managed, her throat dry.
“You can kill animals without a problem, but-”
“Humans are animals too.”
Faramond raised an eyebrow, obviously not expecting such coldness from Athena. He studied her for a moment, as if waiting for her to break down.
I'm not going to break, not today. Athena stared back, showing no sign of emotion. She held tightly to her bow, ready for whatever Faramond wanted her to shoot. She wouldn't hesitate. She wouldn't show weakness. Weakness was for the old Athena. This was the new Athena. The Guardian of the Kingdom. You're not fooling anyone. Don't pretend not to care about anything. Don't pretend that hiding your feelings makes you stronger. You know it doesn't.
“Humans may be animals, but we both know they're the most complex creatures in the world. Killing a human isn't going to feel like killing a deer.”
“I already know that, Faramond. Do you forget that I've killed before? That I killed the spy?” Athena's voice wavered. She silently cursed herself. Emotion only hurts me.
“It doesn't hurt you,” Faramond said.
“Are you sure about that, Faramond? You mean to tell me that all of my crying, all of my pain, can be stopped without letting go of my emotions?”
“Suffering is an emotion, but so is happiness, so is love. Without pain, you wouldn't know how good it feels to be happy. Your love for your family, for Tobin, keep those emotions. Let them be more powerful than your suffering.” Faramond smiled. “Now, can you shoot that target for me?” He gestured towards a tree trunk with a natural marking in it. He didn't even have to tell Athena that that was the target. He'd conditioned her to pick out obvious targets, as well as more elusive ones.
Athena wanted to say something, but she wasn't sure what there was to say. Faramond was right, as usual. He really was proving to be an amazing mentor. A wise sage. Maybe when this was all over he could become a monk. He sure would be good at it. Athena pointed the bow in the direction of the target, positioning her arrow. She aimed and fired, the arrow swooshing through the air and pinning onto its target. The entire process only took ten seconds. It was Athena's goal to cut that time in half.
Faramond was not only good at giving advice, but he proved to be extremely skilled with all weapons. Of course, Athena knew he was a soldier, but she had no idea what the extent of his skills were. He never missed a target, whether he was shooting an arrow or throwing a dagger. He proved masterful with a sword, making it look like the easiest thing in the world to wield. Of course, it wasn't actually easy.
When Faramond handed Athena his sword, she nearly dropped it, her small muscles not strong enough to grip the hulking piece of steel. Her first thought was to quit, to walk over to Sapphire, lay down, and not wake up for another day. That wasn't an option though. There was no time for rest. Only training. She would train until her muscles were so sore she couldn't lift herself up. Until the pain was unbearable.
“Are you alright?” Faramond asked, studying Athena as she held the heavy sword.
“I'm fine,” Athena lied. The sword felt awkward in her hands. She was too small, too weak. That wasn't the right attitude. I'm strong. “I have to be strong.” Athena hefted the sword, swinging it in a circle around her. Faramond's eyes widened as if he was surprised.
Athena swung it again, grunting, her muscles stretching in near agony. If she had proper nourishment, enough protein, she would be able to build muscle so much more quickly. With a proper training center, she could maneuver around and build skill faster. If she wasn't in the middle of a forest, surrounded by trees and rocks, hiding from spies, with hardly enough food for even one meal a day, perhaps she'd be as strong as Faramond, or any of the soldiers. It was maddening, the fact that she was stuck here. She could not move forward, not until she had mastered the art of combat. And not until she contr
olled the demons in her mind.
“Your face is redder than Old Woman Sally when her bloomers caught on fire,” Faramond said. “And you're sweating, more than usual. Are you sure you're okay? You're shaking.”
“Stop pointing everything out,” Athena hissed, still swinging the sword. She would learn how to use this thing; nothing was going to get in her way. She would conquer this weapon, just as she would conquer everything else.
“Athena, you're straining yourself!” Faramond tore the sword from her hands, and she dropped to the ground, exhausted.
Silently, Athena cursed herself. That was a common occurrence these days. She was never satisfied. Never content. Never happy. If Laguna were here, she'd chastise Athena. “Do you really expect everything to go your way, girl?! That's not how life works! Life will eat at you, tear you down, wear you out until you're nothing but an old rag, but you can't give up! Don't be a quitter, Athena!”
Then again, Laguna would also tell Athena to quit when she ran through puddles of mud or wrestled with hogs. Make up your mind, Grandmother.
What would Jermyn say? The thought of Jermyn always brought extra pain to Athena's heart, as she recalled all of her wonderful memories with her beloved grandfather. He had always been kind to her, always loving. There was not a single time he had been truly mean. It made it all the more hard to let him go. Every time she thought of him, she saw his smile. It almost made her smile.
Almost.
“Give me the sword,” Athena said, pushing her thoughts to the side. She had to concentrate. She had to stop thinking about the past. Stop thinking about how to repair things that simply couldn't be repaired. Laguna and Jermyn were gone. The bakery was gone. For now, the forest was her home, and she had to accept that. There were worse places to call home. In a few months spring would come, and the forest would come to life. Unless the darkness destroyed life and snuffed any light. Which was all the more reason for Athena to master this sword. Then she could destroy life too.
The Enlightenment Page 4