Cyrus

by Mj Fields

  “I’m sorry…”

  “God Damn it Birdie, it’s not your fault!” I was drowning, I hated feeling shit. “I made a choice a long time ago not to play this kind of game, hurt no one, involve no one, live life with no fucking regrets and laugh every day because you have no idea what’s going to happen next.”

  “No responsibility,” she whispered.

  “None,” I closed my eyes and felt her hold my hand tightly, or as tight as she could, those tiny little hands…

  “Because someone hurt you?” she traced her little fingers on my chest over one of my tats, “Broken mirror.”

  I had no clue how she knew that’s what it was and I looked into her green eyes, full of question and concern, ready to snap. I didn’t want her in my head, I didn’t want anyone in my head. I opened my mouth to tell her just that, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t hurt her.

  “You don’t have to tell me,” she whispered and looked down taking in my ink. Not a word was said, how do you respond to that? “I know what it’s like to just want people to think you’re normal.”

  She glanced up and then down quickly, “I don’t care what people think. I don’t care if they see me all inked up or if they see me in a damn suit. I know who I was, who I am, and who I need to be, too. I’m sorry I know things you don’t want me too. It was never my intention to dig up your bones, Tara. I just wanted you to be safe.”

  She seemed more relaxed now, and I felt it too. I sat against the headboard and looked at her, she was still checking out the art.

  “You said we can’t do that anymore, but…after everything you know…you still want to be my friend?” her voice squeaked and she looked up.

  “I would really like that. I’m pretty sure Carly would as well.”

  “Okay,” she tried not to smile and failed miserably she let go of my hand and covered her face.

  I couldn’t help but smile, “Thank you.”

  She uncovered her face and looked confused briefly and then reeled it back in. “So if we’re friends and you know….what do you know.”

  “I know, life hasn’t been easy Tara Gardner. I know your parents died when you were little…”

  “Five,” she looked down and scowled and took a deep breath and forced a smile, “I was five.”

  “Yeah I know.”

  “Okay, so now you tell me something.”

  “Are we playing a game?”

  “Well, if we’re friends, I think,” she stopped and giggled, “I never really had friends, I mean Tony was, or I thought he was. What do you and your friends talk about?”

  “Well nothing I can talk to you about now,” it was true, I’d been inside her, on her.

  “So sex, that’s what you and your friends talk about?”

  “Yeah pretty much. Sad, isn’t it? See you need a few Carly’s,” she laid down and rolled to her side towards me.

  “I kind of like Cyrus. So tell me about this one,” she pointed to the outline of a ship.

  I don’t know if it was out of exhaustion or guilt but I told her I had been in the Navy and that was what it represented.

  “The mirror has six pieces,” she began.

  “Please, not that one,” I couldn’t talk about that not with her, not with my family, not with anyone.

  “This one?” she pointed to the wave.

  I held her hand against my rib stopping her little exploration, “Not tonight. You got one, when you’ve figured them all out you may not want to be my friend Birdie.”

  She giggled, “I’m pretty sure that’s not true.”

  “You went to your old house?” She looked up at me swiftly, “I was trying to find you, remember?” She shook her head yes, “It was your’s, right?”

  “A long time ago,” she put her head on my chest and I wrapped my arm around her pulling her closer, friends do that right?

  “So the little yellow room, was that yours?”

  She swallowed hard, “I didn’t go in.”

  “Birdie you gotta see it,” I rubbed her arm.

  “I’m afraid if I do and it’s not the same, all my memories will be fantasies and then I would have nothing,” she whispered.

  “Then tell me why you came here?”

  “I—I didn’t have anywhere else to go.” her voice cracked and I didn’t wanna push.

  “Alright so tonight you’re gonna sleep and tomorrow we talk about keeping you safe and then we figure out where you wanna go next Birdie, the sky’s the limit.”

  “Okay,” she relaxed against me and I knew I should be a better man and get up and leave, but I wasn’t.

  Burning Up

  I woke shaking, cold I was so cold. I got up and walked into the bathroom and got a drink when I came out I saw Cyrus on the couch with his phone, a notebook, and a pen on his chest.

  I walked closer and saw he had written

  Rights to video, how much

  House, who owns it why is it empty

  Cemetery, flowers and shit

  Get her back home,

  Job ? School ?

  Find out what it’ll take to keep that bastard away and make it happen!

  Fix that MOTHER FUCKING tattoo

  Keep her safe and stay friends

  Mission completed

  He opened his eyes, “You okay, Birdie?”

  “I’m cold, I was just going to figure out how to turn up the heat,” he stood and walked over to the thermostat.

  “It’s seventy five in here, you sure you’re aright?” he felt my head, “Birdie, you’re burning up. Come on, let’s get you into bed.”

  I laid down and cringed, “It’s cold.”

  “Alright,” he laid down next to me and pulled me against him, “Body heat.”

  I couldn’t stop shaking, and he held me tighter , “You gotta fever Birdie, don’t move I’ll be right back.”

  As soon as he moved I felt like I was in a snow bank, naked.

  I pulled the blankets tighter around me and he was back, “Okay, I’m having some Tylenol sent up,” he pulled the blanket to the side and I buried my face in the mattress, he laid on top of me as I shook, “You’ll be fine, ten minutes tops. You got this alright?”

  My teeth chattered, “You’re gonna get sick if you’re in here.”

  He laughed, “Birdie, if I’m gonna get sick, it’s gonna have nothing to do with this right here all right, I’m pretty sure I’d caught it earlier. Try to sleep and tell me if I’m crushing you.”

  “You’re warm,” I managed to say.

  “Yeah, you’re pretty warm too, Birdie.”

  I woke to Cyrus rubbing my back, “Okay little Bird, you gotta sit up for just a minute, your fever is one hundred and two degree’s. Motrin will help.”

  I didn’t want to move, but I didn’t want to tell him no, he was being kind.

  I sat and he held a cup with a straw, “Open up and take a drink.” I did and then began to shake again, “Alright, lay back down so I can warm you up.”

  He woke me again another time and did the same thing, “Every six hours okay? Sorry about this.”

  “Thank you,” I laid back down and felt him immediately on me, warm, comfortable, and feeling safe.

  ~

  I sat up and the room was still dark.

  “Yeah she’s pretty sick…I have no idea…nope, I’m not gonna bring her back yet I’m gonna let her rest and make her eat something…Carly, when she feels better alright?...I get it…No but thanks for the advice…you’re a pain in the ass…I don’t know, let me check…” I saw him grab my bag and go through it.

  “Says fourteen on the undies…no-- Jesus you saw her…I don’t know…fuck you C she’s twenty…How the hell am I supposed to know, maybe it’s girls or European…Honest to God, I’ll deal with it you just…fine, damn you fit right into the Momma role don’t you?...Yeah I know…Small, the t-shirt says small…Carly she didn’t have a bra…no those things are real perky and not little, about the size of my hand…You fucking asked…shoes…hold up…five, it says f
ive… One more thing, could you please buy her adult clothes, she’s not a kid…I swear to God C when I see you…Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I’ll be thanking you…She and I are gonna be friends, good friends C, don’t fucking push…You don’t wanna know the answer to that…or that…good God C, not that either…yeah talk to you soon.”

  He hung up and sat back and ran his hands through his hair. I could sit here and look at him all day, but I had to pee.

  I walked out and he jumped up, “You feeling better?”

  “I think so, I have to use the bathroom.”

  When I came out he had something in his hand, “Come here Tara, I’m gonna take your temperature.”

  He held the back of my hand still as he pushed thermometer in my ear, “Ninety nine, better than it was. You hungry?”

  I couldn’t help but giggle, “You eat a lot.”

  He gave me a smirk, “Gotta maintain my girlish figure. Now get your ass in bed. You an eggs and bacon girl? Pancakes? What’s your fancy?”

  “I’m really not…”

  “Tough shit Birdie, tell me or I’ll pick,” his browse raised challenging me.

  “No toasted cheese or tomato soup,” I raised mine back.

  “Oatmeal?”

  “If that’s what you want, that’s fine,” I laid down and covered myself.

  ~

  When I woke I looked at the clock, it was nine thirty. He was sitting across the room in a chair with elbows resting on his knees as he was looking at his phone, reading I suppose.

  I sat up and he looked up, “You’re lucky there’s a microwave in here. Toast probably tastes like shit but eggs, bacon, and oatmeal should warm up good. You wanna eat in here?”

  He left the room as I answered, “Sure.”

  I sat back feeling content, happy even. I closed my eyes and thought about a memory, or an imagined time I felt like this. I don’t know if it was a book my parents read me or it was because when I lived with the Todd’s their son watched the movie The Lorax over and over again, but I knew I loved the story and that it made me feel like everything would someday be alright, that someday, I would have enough air to fill me.

  I looked up and he was walking in with a tray, I felt my eyes heat, and knew that this was a feeling that I couldn’t get comfortable with. Every time I had in the past, it had come to an end. The Todd’s divorce, the Greens move out of state, the Steinberg’s health issues, the Shaw’s financial crisis when they lost their home, the death of Solomon Goodwin followed by the breakdown of his wife Helen, there were so many.

  “Birdie, talk to me, were friends now right? Tell me what’s eating you,” he was kind, he was a good man.

  I tried to smile and shrugged, “Just thinking I guess.”

  He held the spoon up to my mouth, “Take a bite and then tell me.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it, and I really am not that hungry,” I swallowed back tears, “Please not now.”

  “You eat and I won’t ask you another thing,” I took a bit, “Good, huh?”

  I smiled even though I really wanted to just curl up and cry. I don’t know what’s harder, knowing that it was all going to fall apart, the false security-- expecting it to. Or, waiting for it to happen and not wanting it to.

  I ate a few more bites and he handed me bacon, “I’ll throw up.”

  “You a vegetarian?”

  “No, I haven’t eaten much in the past few days and I know it’ll all come up if I over indulge,” I smiled, “When do we have to leave?”

  The way he was looking at me I didn’t know if he was angry, or disgusted but it made me completely uncomfortable.

  He took in a long deep breath, “You feel up to traveling or you wanna chill till you feel better?”

  I sat back and hugged my legs and started taking deep breaths, “Why…where…I have no idea where I’m going. I have no idea why you’re doing this for me. All I know is that I’m thankful and I really would like you to tell me when you’re leaving so I can try to figure…”

  “Listen to me Tara, one last time. We’re friends, and I don’t have a time frame here, it’s whenever you’re safe and on your feet. Today I promised to take you back to the cemetery, I want to swing back by the house you grew up in and then if you’re feeling up to it we head back to Jersey. Carly and Jase are living together now that they’re married, so her apartment is available: that’s where you’ll be staying. It’s safe, it’s warm, it’s furnished. When we get you back there, you decide what you want, I’ll help you do it. That’s it, nice and easy, you wanna take over her place, we figure it out.”

  “I don’t have a job,” tears swelled in my eyes, “I don’t want to cry.”

  “If you want one, we’ll find one, and Tara, from what I understand it’s perfectly natural for girls to cry. As your friend, it’s my job to let you, so go ahead Birdie, cry. Just don’t take off again, I need to know you’re okay.”

  I started crying and he held me, “I’ll repay you, someday.”

  “I know, but right now Birdie let’s just get you better.”

  I knew he not only meant physically but emotionally. I also knew I could trust him, real or imagined right now, I didn’t care, “I’m done.” I wiped my eyes and stood off the bed, “We can go.”

  “Back here tonight?” he asked as he stood.

  “No, I need to move forward.”

  ~

  Cyrus stopped at a corner store to grab snacks, he said he was hungry, that man could eat, and that thought made my face flush. I was lost in thought when he tapped on the window, “You gonna let me in?”

  I pushed the button unlocking the door and he got in, “Sorry.”

  He handed me a bouquet of flowers, “These are for your parents grave, not last night.” I was sure my face turned an even brighter shade of red, “Sorry, I mean, you get it right?”

  “Yeah, thank you that was very thoughtful,” I looked over and he smirked.

  “These are for last night,” he handed me some sort of candy and laughed.

  “Razzles?”

  “Yeah, I used to smoke after sex, nasty habit. So I decided I would take up a less dangerous one. Good stuff,” I wasn’t sure why he bought three bags of them unless… “Birdie, I’m joking.” He reached over and closed my gapping mouth.

  I just sat there and had no idea what to say and I was thankful he started talking.

  “Okay, so I make jokes when I’m nervous. And I fucked up which makes me nervous. I’m not saying I didn’t completely enjoy every bit of last night, because I did, I just want to make sure we can be friends, be comfortable with each other.”

  “Okay.”

  “Last night you asked me about the tattoo.”

  “You don’t have to.”

  “Well since I know everything about you, I thought maybe I could share. My Dad died a couple years ago. Hurricane rescue shit I volunteered for and he insisted on going. That’s what that one is about.”

  I reached over and grabbed his hand, just like he had mine when I was upset, “I’m sorry.”

  “Me too Birdie, me too. So I know what that’s like, losing someone you love. But the shit kicker is, if I hadn’t gone, he wouldn’t have. So I have blamed myself for it…”

  “It’s not your…”

  “So I hear, still sucks though you know?”

  He was opening up to me, telling me his secrets, “Death sucks.”

  “Hey Birdie, we’re here.” He threw the Jeep in park and turned facing me, “We go in, you say what you need to, you cry if you wanna, and then we move on,” he didn’t wait for a response, he reached over and felt my head, “Still warm, so we’re gonna do this fast, you can come back after your settled, lets go.”

  Before I unbuckled, he was opening the door and grabbed my hand. I followed his long strides to the back of the cemetery, he stopped in front of the stone and waited for me. I knelt down and put the flowers in front of the headstone, it wasn’t a big monument, and it wasn’t overly fancy--- but it was theirs.

>   I traced the letters in their names and the date, November fifteenth.

  I hadn’t noticed him kneel beside me until he took my hand and traced Beloved Parents, “They loved you Birdie.”

  I tried to breath, I tried to count, and I tried to be brave and not cry but I couldn’t and he held me, again, “How can I know that?”

  “From what I understand, they can see you. I’ve known you for a little over a week and need to be your friend. They knew you, they’ve known you always, so trust me, they love you.”

  He stood and pulled me up I felt his arms wrap around me and he pulled me back against him and kissed the top of my head, “They’re with you every day… wherever you are, this is just a place they laid them, not their soul.”

  He held me together again as I shook and cried. His phone chimed and he pulled it out of his pocket still holding me with the other arm, “Yeah…how long…okay…no, we’re headed back just one more stop….thanks for the heads up.” He hung up, “We gotta go.”

  I wiped my eyes and turned around and hugged him, “Thank you.”

  I felt his lips touch my cheek and then he lifted me off my feet, “We really gotta go.”

  Before I knew it I was in the Jeep again.

  We drove quietly to my family’s home and when he pulled up front I felt sick. I grabbed his hand as he started to get out, “I can’t.”

  “Birdie, you gotta face shit head on,” he grabbed my head with both hands, “You can do this.”

  “No, I really can’t,” I pulled back, “It’s not my house, it was wrong to come here to begin with.”

  He looked at me as if he expected me to change my mind and I looked away, “Lock the door Birdie, I’ll be right back.”

  He was only gone a couple minutes when he returned. He got in and plugged his phone in and pulled away.

  No Control

  She was quiet and I was grateful she wasn’t crying because I sounded like a bitch when I was trying to help her stop. I couldn’t take the crying, and not because I was an ass but because it fucking crushed me. I swear my balls were pulled up so tight I was gonna need a knitting needle to find them.