by Piper Frost
I have to try, and I'm going to hate myself in the morning but I have to get a rise out of her and prove to myself and everyone else in the family that she fucking loves me. I take a deep breath and press my palms to my eyes, letting out a groan.
“Hey, Kaydence, I hired Sarah at the shop. She's the new front desk girl,” I lie, needing to hear the precise, perfected response. Fuck, I hope it doesn't come. I hope there's jealousy or something negative to say about that bitch.
“That's great! It'll take some of the load off you then, right? I hope she's helpful.”
Mother of God.
“Hey, what's this?” I blurt, reaching out and grabbing a photo that looks like Kaydence and another girl, probably her sister from the looks of it. “Oh shit,” I say, letting it slip out of my fingers and dropping it to the floor, letting the frame shatter. “Sorry.” I shrug, waiting for her to react. Do something. Anything.
“It's okay.” She rushes to the mess and starts to clean it up. “It was an accident. I gotta...I'll clean this up.” She fishes the picture out of the broken glass.
Snatching the picture from her hand, I study it a minute. “This your sister?” My heart squeezes in my chest, noticing the similarities between the girls. I glance at her, still cleaning up the mess with that goddamned smile on her face...then I tear it in two so slowly my heart shatters. Fuck, fuck, fuck what am I doing? “Oops.”
Her head jerks to look up at me while she crouches on the ground and she blinks a few times, her eyes locked on the ripped paper in my hand, but that fucking smile is gone. Finally. Fucking react! Do something! Rage! Cry! Hate me for ruining that memory!
“Was that important?” I push, silently begging her to go ape shit that I've just walked in here and started ruining her world.
“I have more,” she whispers and gently takes the shreds from my hand. “Are you feeling okay? You want to lie down? Maybe you're tired.” She goes back to cleaning up the glass.
“Holy fuck, Kay!” I bark, laughing. “Do you fucking care about anything?” I scream. “I'm...I'm over here head over heels in love with you! Did you know that?! I love you, Kaydence! And I'm going crazy over here because you're just Miss Happy-Fucking-Go-Lucky without a care in the world! Sure, Sarah, fuck my boyfriend. I don't care because I don't love him! It's all going to happen for a fucking reason! Right? Am I fucking right?” I curse and pace the small area next to her bed. “Kaydence, you... Why won't you let me in?”
“Is that what this is about? You're upset I don't want to share the ugly parts of my life with you?” She shakes her head in confusion. “Chase, I'm going to assume you know what happened to my dad and sister and now you're upset I don't want to share that sadness? Happiness is a choice and I choose to be happy. Is there something so wrong with that?”
“You're...” I laugh harshly. “You're choosing to be happy?” I storm over to her purse and flip it open, digging through it and finding exactly what I was looking for. “This isn't you choosing to be happy, Kay!” I shake the pill bottle at her. “Do you even need this shit?!” I shriek and glance at the label. “Martha Kenshaw. Is that your fucking name? No! No, it's not! And do you know why this bottle doesn't have your name on it? Have you figured it out yet?” I start to pace again. “Kaydence, it's because no doctor in their right mind would prescribe a healthy girl this strong a prescription of fucking Prozac. No one!” I bark. “I fucking looked it up! This isn't doing shit for you!”
“Let's calm down.” She takes the bottle from my hand. “We can get in bed and relax. I'll rub your hair and tell you what happened at one of my lessons yesterday.” She chuckles. “I almost fell off Surge.” The pill bottle shakes as she turns down the bed.
“Are you even hearing anything I'm saying to you right now? You have got to be fucking kidding me.” I shake my head. She doesn't fucking care. At all. “Kay, I'm leaving.”
“You want to go back to your apartment?” She looks at me then a smile spreads across her face. “We won't have to be quiet.”
“Oh my god,” I mutter. “Kaydence. Listen to me.” I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself. “Your mom is drugging you. Because she likes that power over you and because you don't fight back. Your brother? He's fucking running your life and loves it, because you never push back for anything. Those students of yours? They probably love you because you let them do whatever the fuck they want. And you never push back. Sarah?” I chuckle. “Sarah's a fucking bitch that deserved to be slapped. And I woulda loved to watch you do it. Or at least fucking stand up to her! But fuck, Kay.” I huff. “I guess if you have no emotions inside you, it's hard to stand up for anything, huh?” I walk over to her and yank the pill bottle from her hands. “If I broke up with you, what would you do?” My heart's hammering in my chest and I want to vomit. I'm doing exactly what I told myself I wasn't going to do. I'm trying to crush her, just to get some type of reaction out of her. She's not smiling anymore, but she's not responding either. “Say something!” I bark. “If I leave you, what happens?”
And then the words I was praying I'd never hear her say come flowing from those beautiful lips. “Then that's what was supposed to happen, Chase. Everything happens for a reason.” At least she's not her bubbly self when she says it, but she still fucking said it.
She eyes the pill bottle in my hand then her eyes fly back to mine and I huff.
“You know what,” I blurt, swinging her door open and storming toward the bathroom. “Fuck it.”
“Chase.” She follows after me, grabbing my arm but I keep going. “Baby, come back to the bedroom.”
“These fuckers are the entire reason you live your life the way you do. And you don't even fucking need them.” I snarl, feeling like I've lost my fucking mind. Lifting the lid to the toilet, I lock eyes with her and pop the lid off the top of the pill bottle. “Tell me you don't need them, Kaydence,” I whisper.
She looks from the bottle to my eyes. “Chase, don't play around please. Give me my meds.” She holds her hand out.
“Tell me you know you don't need these, Kaydence!” I shake the bottle. “This isn't your name on here! You've been to the doctor how many times?! Does your doctor even know you take these?!” I shake the bottle a little more and she jumps a bit, stopping herself.
“If I didn't need them, my mom wouldn't give them to me. It runs in the family. It's okay though. It's perfectly okay. I'm okay. That's why I take them.” She smiles like she's trying to calm me down. “It's okay.”
“It's not okay though.” I shake my head, my grip on the bottle loosening the slightest. “Kaydence, if you for real needed these. If this was your name on this bottle. If your mom didn't force-feed these to you and your brother after everything that happened...maybe. Just maybe I'd believe you. There's nothing wrong with needing medical help...when it's needed. But you don't need it. This?” I glance at the bottle. “This shit's probably expired. This isn't prescribed to you, Kay. Tell me you understand this,” I plead.
“Chase.” She stares at the pill bottle I'm holding over the toilet. “Don't.”
I whisper, “I'm sorry,” the minute my hand lets go of the bottle.
The look on her face is crushing, knowing I put it there. But she's gotta react to that. She's gotta fight for something.
“You're insane!” she shrieks and the tone is finally one I've never heard and I'm only slightly relieved.
“I may be! But so are you!” I run my hands through my hair and realize the only thing this girl is fighting for tonight is those fucking pills. “Kay, we're done. I can't keep doing this with a girl that has no feelings for me.” I chuckle harshly. “Holy fuck.”
“Chase, I love you,” she says, her voice back to that calm tone but her eyes are on the pills in the toilet so I lean over and flush it and her gasp shatters my heart.
“You love the way the pills make you feel. You don't really love me. I'm not certain if you're even capable of those types of feelings. We're done, Kaydence. I can't keep breaking my heart over a gir
l that doesn't care.”
I storm past her and don't stop until I'm at my truck back at the Kenshaws'. Not once do I hear her call for me. Because she didn't follow me out. She's not fighting for me. Because she only loves one thing in this world, and I just flushed it down the toilet.
I don't know what I just did. I think I just ruined the best thing that ever happened to me, but everything happens for a reason.
“Kaydence?” Tyler knocks at my bedroom door as I sit on my bed, staring at the empty pill bottle.
“Don't come in,” I call out and shove the bottle under my pillow before lying down.
He broke up with me. He dumped my pills and then broke up with me.
“Fuck!” I scream, throwing my pillow.
“Kaydence!” Tyler shouts, bursting into my room.
“Get out! Get the fuck out!” I throw my other pillow, inadvertently flinging the empty pill bottle at him.
Bending down, he picks up the bottle and reads it.
“What is this?”
The urge to cry is heavy, but the tears won't come. I took two pills today because of what happened at dinner. What the hell am I doing to myself?
“Kay, what the fuck is this bottle? Why's mom's name on here? Are you still fucking taking these?”
“Not anymore. Chase just flushed the refill mom brought me down the toilet.” The words numbly come from my lips. If I ask my mom for more pills, she'll have to be told why I don't have them anymore and then she'll lose it.
“Why are you taking these again?” he screams at me. “You don't fucking need these! You were fine for years without these!”
“I never stopped, Tyler.” Huffing, I lay back and close my eyes. “You stopped. I didn't. I need the pills.”
“We never needed the fucking pills, Kaydence!” He throws the bottle. “Holy shit, you're addicted to fucking depression meds.”
“Get out.”
“That's why you're like this!”
“Please get out.” I stare at a spot of blue paint on my ceiling.
“You're a fucking zombie because of the pills!”
“I'm not a fucking zombie!” rips from my throat as I fling to a sitting position and he flies back against the door like he thought I was going to attack.
The expression he's wearing confirms I have never once let anger release like this. I was trying to tell myself I'm capable of feeling anger, but I'm just genuinely happy. For the most part that's true, but I bottle it all up.
“Fuck this.” He grabs the pill bottle again and storms from my room.
“Tyler,” I blurt and jump from my bed, following him. “Where are you going?”
“To talk to mom! She's fucking poisoning you, Kaydence, and I'm fucking sick of this. She's sick in the fucking head and ruining your life!”
“Tyler, let it go.” I grip his arm. “Don't. Just leave it alone. I don't want her to know what happened.”
He stares at me a few minutes but I don't expect him to listen to me. He never listens to me. He knows what's best.
When he sits down on the couch, I furrow my brows.
“Sit down.”
I want to sleep. I don't want to talk. Snatching the bottle from his hand, I walk down the hall to my room and close the door. When a crash sounds from the living room, I jump and turn back for the door but stop myself.
We've got issues, but my brother will have to learn to deal with his as well.
“Kay,” Jo blurts my name and I jump, snapping out of my daze, yanking back before Surge bites me. “What are you doing?” She jerks me away from the horse. “Are you high?”
I chuckle and shake my head no. “Sorry. I'm fine.” I smile at her. “I dazed for a minute.”
“You've been like this for the past two days. It's time you let it out, girl. I heard your brother telling your mom you haven't talked to him in two days. And Martha asked if you moved.” She chuckles. “She said she hasn't seen you or been able to get in touch with you. So what's up? Everything cool?”
I hold the rope twisted around my hand and stare at it a few minutes.
“Kay?” Jo says and I look up, shaking my head no.
“Chase broke up with me.” My lip quivers and I pray the tears will come. I haven't been able to cry about it yet. I've been insane telling myself everything happens for a reason and trying to convince myself it's better this way. But it's not! I know it's not!
“What? When? Why?”
“Thanksgiving.” I can barely get the word out past the lump in my throat.
“What the hell! Why?”
“I don't know, Jo.” My expression begins to contort and she wraps her arms around me.
I do know why he broke up with me, but I don't want to admit my faults.
“Maybe he hasn't changed, Kay. This is probably for the better.” She rubs my back and I whimper, the tears starting.
I'm the one that needs to change.
I pull it together a few minutes later and she tells me to go home. I walk through the door and trip over Tyler's boots.
“Son of a bitch!” shrieks from my mouth and I throw them at the wall, knocking down the framed pictures.
I rush to the mess and quickly pick up the picture of my sister, glad the frame didn't break. Then I pick up the photograph of all of us. Me, Tyler, Andrea, my mom, and dad. My eyes focus on my mom and anger begins to make me shake. I need to know the truth about the medication. I never needed to go see a professional because my mom always provided me with the pills. I do remember when we were kids going to the doctor often, but I can't remember why.
I clean the house, top to bottom then sit down and convince myself that calling Chase isn't going to change anything. This was supposed to happen. Everything happens for a reason...but I don't know what this reason could be other than to make me hurt.
“Kay,” Tyler whispers my name a few times and I open my eyes, realizing I fell asleep on the couch. There's a girl behind him but I can't focus straight. I don't know how long I've been asleep but it feels like days. “Kay, what're you doing out here?”
I unintelligibly mutter, a response not even forming in my head, then stumble toward my bedroom. The only thing I want to do is sleep, so that's what I do, until Sunday when my mom's leaving. I feel guilty I didn't spend much time with her the week she was here, but I'm going through withdrawals from the pills I think and I don't even feel like I can stand up straight. At least not until I hear yelling. It takes me a minute but I rush from my bedroom, hearing my brother losing his mind and when I walk into the living room, my mom is not the person I expect to find him screaming at.
“You fucked us all up!” screams from him and she's staring at him with her mouth hanging open. “Fucking look at her!” When he gestures to me, my mom's eyes land on mine and I'm still trying to fully wake up.
“Kaydence, where have you been?” my mom gasps.
“In bed,” I mutter and look at Tyler in confusion.
“For two days?” she shrieks.
“Yeah because you turned her into a freak! She doesn't have anymore pills to fuckin' take and this is what happens!”
“Where are your meds?” My mom rushes to my side and tries to tame my hair.
“They're fucking flushed down the toilet where they belong! She doesn't need the pills! How does it make you feel, mom? Do you feel good about yourself that Kay's alive but has no emotions other than fake happiness?”
“My happiness isn't faked,” I mumble, blinking every time my mom tries to smooth down my hair.
“She's so afraid to be anything but happy that she walks around faking it every damn day!”
“My happiness isn't faked,” I repeat again flinching away from my mom but she keeps going with my hair.
“People think she's slow because she walks around with a fake smile and shitting rainbows!”
“My happiness isn't faked!” I scream so loudly my mother jumps and stumbles away from me. Tyler finally closes his mouth and I stressfully push my hair back. “My happines
s isn't fake! I like being happy. I enjoy making other people happy! I'd be happy on or off the pills! Fuck!”
“Kaydence!” my mom gasps and Tyler shakes his head.
“She's never acted like this until she stopped taking those fucking pills, mom. You did this,” he snarls.
“Ty, shut up.” I start to braid my hair and face my mom. “Mom, were we diagnosed with depression the way Andrea and dad were?” I stare at her and she's looking at me like it's a stupid question. It is a stupid question. She wouldn't put us on the pills if we weren't.
“No!” Tyler stresses.
“Shut up, Ty! Mom?” I urge.
“It runs in the family, Kay.”
“I know that!” I groan. “When we were little, were me and Tyler diagnosed with depression by a medical professional?”
“Kaydence, I didn't need a doctor to tell me my kids have a chemical imbalance. You need the medication.”
“Oh my god.” I never expected my mom to self-diagnose us. I never expected it to be a lie, her putting such deep-seated fear inside me that we were sick in the head and if we stopped taking the pills we'd end up like my dad and Andrea. “Tyler, when'd you stop taking the pills?” I ask, not looking away from my mom.
“When I was sixteen. When she stopped prepping my every meal and slipping the pills in.”
“Do you have suicidal thoughts or want to hurt yourself?” I hold eye contact with my mom and her eyes keep bouncing from me to Tyler.
“No! I have a ton of emotions, but that isn't one of them. We don't need the fucking pills, Kay.”
“Suicide isn't the only side effect of depression!” My mom spouts.
“You've been telling me for years that the thoughts will poison my mind and because it runs in the family, because we are all diagnosed with severe depression that I will have thoughts of killing myself. You said the pills stop that.”
“They do! You don't have suicidal thoughts, do you?”
“No! But only because I don't want that in my life! Mom, you lied to me for years! Years you've been screwing me up worse than I already am!”