by Piper Frost
“You're fine. Just keep taking your meds,” she insists.
“I'm not taking the fucking pills anymore! I haven't taken them in a week! The only thoughts I have right now are my mother's a damn liar and the guy I actually love left me because you've been screwing with my head this long.”
“Kaydence, I can't lose you!” She tries to grab me but I pull away.
“You won't! At least not to suicide, but this, this is unforgivable! You knew Tyler wouldn't take your shit anymore so you continued to prey on me! Why?” I want to shake her, but I know I need someone to shake me. I chose to believe her, but I didn't have a reason not to.
“Because I can't lose another child!” she bellows.
“You don't do this to Tyler!”
“Because!” She looks at Tyler. “Because..!”
“Because I don't let her, Kay. You do...and you let me treat you like shit,” he says it like it's my fault. I am to blame. “Fuck, I didn't realize how I treat you until Chase said something. I'm sorry, Kay, but I'm not going to baby you like that anymore. Not even if you wanted me to. It's not right. The way mom taught us, none of it is right.” He drops his shaking head like he's disappointed in himself.
“Mom.” My voice cracks and she quickly looks at me. “Why'd you do this to us?”
“I tried to protect you!”
“You didn't do it the right way. If Chase Haring hadn't come into my life, I probably would continue on this path until it was irreversible. You're trying to ruin my life.”
“I'm trying to protect you!” She grabs me and the tears start. “I couldn't protect Andrea. Her head was too clouded. Too poisoned and I wanted to keep the poison out of your brains.”
“You sound like a nut,” Tyler mutters and I sigh because he's right.
“So instead you poisoned my head with other things. Other things that made my boyfriend leave me. That makes my brother, my cousin, my friends think I'm some sort of weirdo. That makes strangers think my brain isn't fully developed. Happiness is a choice, and I choose to be happy. You're forcing it and making it fake.” I stare at the tears rolling down her cheeks a minute before walking to my bedroom, locking the door behind me.
When I sit on the bed, my tears let loose and I listen to my mother cry from the living room, still fighting with Tyler. I cry until I fall asleep again and when I wake up, it's because Jo's drawing on my face.
“Jo,” I mumble and push her hands away. “What are you doing?” I swipe at my face then look at my hand, seeing the black makeup on my fingertips. “Jo,” I groan and roll away from her.
“You look so stupid.” She's laughing so hard she can barely get the words out. “I've been drawing on your face for fifteen minutes!”
“Jolene! What's wrong with you? I have to go to work!”
“Yeah, I know, and you're an hour late. That's why I'm here.”
“What?” I fling to a sitting position and grab my phone. “My alarm...I'm so sorry, Jo. I must have slept through my alarm.”
“Don't worry. I let Addict and Surge trample your first client so she won't be complaining you didn't show.”
“Jo.” I start to giggle. “You're mental.”
“Yep, but I hear you're not anymore.” She glances at me, moving toward the door. “I kinda found out what happened with Chase. Through the grapevine of course, and that vine has so many gaps, and extra tangles. Initially I heard he's been harboring a stripper from Vegas and you just found out. Then I heard you're addicted to meth and Chase couldn't get you clean. Oh, my favorite was you have a dick and Chase ain't gay.”
“What the hell?” I mutter, completely confused where she heard these things.
“Maybe I started that last rumor. Whatever, who cares.” She waves her hand and I can't help but laugh. “Point is, you can't sleep your life away, or your job, or your fired.” She shrugs and heads out of my room.
“Jo!” I blurt and she peeks her head back in.
“What's the most truthful rumor you heard?” I ask, wondering if anyone knows the truth.
“That your family was hard on Chase, looking out for you when you didn't need it because he's actually in love with you and would do anything for you. And that you're hiding some things from him because you'd rather focus on happy things. And that, most of all, you don't have any fight in you and you haven't even tried to fight for him. You can't love someone but not show them how important they are to you, Kay. If he's worth it, let him know. Step out of your comfort zone and stand up for him, for you. For you both. Also, get your ass to work, I seriously don't have the patience for your two o'clock client.” My door closes behind her.
I've managed to avoid Tyler for almost a week, but he's been waiting for the perfect opportunity. As I sit on the couch and watch Netflix, the same damn show Chase and my mom watched, eating popcorn, he must think now's the best time.
“Hey.” He sits next to me.
“I didn't cook,” I mutter.
“Popcorn it is.” He clears his throat. “Kay, I'm sorry for my hand in this.”
“In what?” I glance at him and get massive vertigo and have to grab the arm of the couch. The side effects of not taking Prozac anymore should start winding down, and I hope it's soon.
“You and Chase. I heard who he was in the past and—”
“His past has nothing to do with who he was with me,” I mumble and shove popcorn into my mouth.
“Yeah, I know that. I know he really loves you and treated you good. I just worried about when he'd break your heart, 'cause I know you ain't as strong as you always pretend to be.”
I stare into my popcorn.
“You're not bulletproof and you can't keep pretending everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is 'cause life sucks. Simple as that, but you know that if something happens that you don't like, you can try and change it, right? You don't have to accept it until you get a definitive answer. You know that, right?”
I look over at him, wondering who the hell this kid is.
“He wouldn't have walked out if he wanted to make this work,” I mutter.
“Yes he would have!” he blurts the words and shifts like he's getting comfortable. “We're dudes. Not all of us are level headed. Not all of us know what the hell we're doing in love and relationships. Kay,” he sighs and stares at the TV. “Not to be mean, but you really didn't prove he's worth anything to you.” When I try to protest, he puts his hand out to shut me up. “I mean afterward. Your relationship was fine, but you just let him go. If that's not what you wanted, why'd you let him walk out?”
“Because!”
“Because everything happens for a reason,” he says in a dopey tone and I throw popcorn at him. Picking it up, he shoves it in his mouth. “Seriously, you need to get your shit together. Start fighting for things that matter. Every other douche in your life, yeah, sure, but I can tell you actually liked this guy. More than a things happen for a reason way. You had him meet mom!”
“I did.” I smirk and wipe my nose that's starting to run because I'm fighting back tears.
“So call him.”
“Now?” I look at him.
“Probably should have done it a few days ago. But yeah, now.” He pushes my phone that's sitting between us toward me.
I dial his number and it goes to voicemail.
“You just...you gotta try harder if it matters. Your misery doesn't happen for any other reason than you let it.” Standing, he walks toward the kitchen before turning back. “And I'm sorry. This is a deep down apology. I'm sorry I let you act like this for so long. It was just so much easier to protect you. You're not dumb, I know you're not, but I let you be so flighty for years because I thought it'd be easier on you if a situation like this ever happened. Guess I was wrong when the right person came along. The night of Thanksgiving, nothing got settled between me, him, and Brandt. We were hard on him and we...” He sighs. “Fuck, we kept telling him you don't really like him.”
“Tyler!”
“I k
now. Fuck, I know that was wrong, but we were fighting against him. Nothing got settled, but I'm confident you can settle it, and this time I'll back you. I'm sorry, Kay.” He turns for the kitchen again.
All I know is I have so many more things to try and figure out in my head before I can try and figure out Chase.
When Surge throws me off his back, I hit the ground hard, needing a few minutes to get air back in my lungs. I've been trying to work with this damn horse because he needs love too. Empress is perfect, Addict has a small attitude, but we get along, but Surge, nothing will get through to that damn horse.
“Kaydence!” I hear Brandt yell. “What the hell are you thinking?”
I gasp in a breath and watch Surge trot back to the barn before looking at Brandt. His face is blocked by the sun at his back and all I see is a blob and sun shining around it.
“I'm fine,” I mumble and slowly get to my feet with his help. “Fine.”
“You're not fine,” he says with more caution in his tone. “What makes you think that horse is suddenly trainable? He could have killed you.”
“We were doing fine. I lost concentration.” I clear my throat when a knot starts to form. I've cried more than I care to admit in the last couple weeks. I think more than I've ever cried in my life, including when half my family died. “I need to...” I mutter and start heading toward the barn.
“You ever gonna talk to anyone about it?” he yells after me.
“Talk about what?” I scream with a stomp of my foot as I turn around. My fingers curl into my palms and I want to hit something.
This is getting out of control.
“You love him.” He approaches with his hands in his pockets. “Have you talked to him?”
“No, because he doesn't care, Brandt. You all took care of that for me. He wants nothing to do with me or my friends or family. Tyler told me how you guys resolved your issues that night. Thanks a fucking lot for not resolving anything! Why do you all hate me? You're all against me! Including him!”
He sighs loudly. “I didn't think it was that serious. I didn't want you getting hurt. Kinda fucked that up, didn't I?”
“Yes,” I whisper and tighten my fists. “Yes you did.” The tears flood like a bucket was dumped over my head. I know this is a side effect, but its not only because I stopped taking the pills, it's the side effect of a broken heart. “Thanks, just stay out of my life. I'm leaving the ranch in two weeks and it'll be much easier for you to forget I exist.” I head for the barn.
“You're leaving?” he blurts, running after me. “Kaydence, stop! You're going where?”
“Home. Not here. I'm not happy here.” I shrug my arm out of his grasp.
“This is your home. You... Fuck! You can't leave!” He follows me into the barn. “Kaydence, this is ridiculous.”
“What's ridiculous is what you all think about me. You all think I don't have a valid thought in my head. I'm always in la la land. And I'm sure Tyler's got to you and told you it's because I've been on the depression meds. I stopped taking them after my mom admitted we were never diagnosed with depression like Andrea and my dad were. It was a precautionary measure.” I laugh and shake my head, wiping the slipping tears. “So now here I am. Head out of the clouds. Miserable. And I hate it here. You all wanted this right? For me to actually hate something? Well, it's you all I hate now.” I walk over to Surge's pen and he's peacefully eating so I get inside and take the saddle off.
“I didn't want you miserable, Kaydence. I was trying to protect you from it. None of us knew about the meds. Not even your brother. I just assumed you didn't want to see the type of person Chase was.” He huffs. “But it looks like people can change. Chase changed. It doesn't take an idiot to see that. And I hate to admit that I was wrong,” he mumbles, leaning against the fence and watching me carefully. “I'd do anything to make you happy again. Please, just don't hate me.”
I walk out of the pen and lock the latch, trying to ignore the emotions battling within. “I don't want to hate you. I don't want to hate anyone.” I break down in sobs.
He curses and immediately his arms wrap around me. “Goddammit, I'm sorry,” he whispers. “This is exactly what I was trying to save you from. And if I'd have not been so stuck on the past this wouldn't be happening right now.” He hugs me tighter and I can't turn off the waterworks. “You want me to go to talk to him?”
“Oh my god no,” I mutter and pull away, trying to wipe my face but I know I'm wiping dirt across my cheeks. “Just let it go. He's over this.”
“Kaydence, that man loves you. You don't just get over someone because of a rough patch. If you've ever trusted me on anything, trust me on this. He didn't stop loving you. And from the look I saw on his face that night in that room...he probably never will.” He pushes his hand to the back of his neck. “You need to talk to him. If there is one thing I know about Chase, and I know I'm not wrong on this, it's that he's insanely stubborn. You didn't go after him, he's not going to come crawling back.”
“He thinks I'm addicted to depression meds, Brandt. And... I was. God,” I groan and cover my face. “But I'm still a nice person. I'm still the person you all...hated. Except I realize now—” I stop talking when Annie walks into the barn. I realize now I need to be telling this to Chase, not Brandt. “You look adorable today.” I smile at her.
“Your face is dirty.” She cringes at me and I chuckle, trying to wipe the dirt, but it's not going anywhere until I shower.
“Annie, you ready for your lesson?” Brandt asks, smiling at his oldest.
“Mom cancelled that today, daddy. She said Kay's sick. You don't look sick, just...dirty. Were you crying?”
I laugh and turn my back. “I'm not sick, and if you want to ride today, we'll ride.” I don't want to ride today. I need a shower and to go see Chase.
“Actually, Annie. I need some help with the chicks so that's perfect. You can ride tomorrow. I think you're better than Kay anyway.” He grins and nudges her, making her giggle.
“You are a pro.” I grin at her. “Thanks, Brandt.” I softly smile before he walks out.
After putting away the saddle, I head home. While in the shower I cry, letting it all out. The sobs, the tears, mucus, I just let it out because it feels good. I need to let things out. Everything is not awesome and amazing. Everything is not A-OK. Sometimes things suck and I want to cry about it and scream and throw a fit. And it feels good to do it.
While toweling off my hair, I get an idea. Tyler and Brandt had been going on about the Kenshaw Ranch brand and Brandt thinks me and Tyler should get the tattoos to become a part of the ranch. It's our home. I threatened Brandt with leaving, but I won't. I love it here too much, and I never want to leave. This ranch is what makes me excited to wake up every morning. This tattoo will be the first permanent marking I've wanted that didn't label me as having a mental illness. My tattoos on my back are beautiful, but I was tattooing those as an okay for having depression. I know it's okay, and I may discover I have it, but I'll fight it taking away all my happiness.
I grab my phone and log onto Disposable Ink's website, selecting 'Make an appointment online'. I'm getting my Kenshaw Ranch tattoo, and going to talk to the guy I love so much it hurts.
I lift my shaking hand to pull the door open and wonder if this is another side effect from being off the pills, but my hammering heart tells me it's another side effect of a broken heart. The door doesn't ding and I glance up to where the bells used to be and see the chain has been snapped. The place is empty but I head up to the counter, hoping I'll see him down the hall. The bells that used to hang are now in the trash behind the counter.
“Hello?” I softly call out then I hear his voice down the hall and pins tingle through my body.
“Who the fuck thought this app was a mother fucking good idea?” His voice booms down the hall. “You! You fucking did!”
“It's bringing people in, isn't it?” another guy's voice travels but not as loudly and I think that's Tommy.
“Fucking idiots though! Not people who want talent or anything worthwhile! Fuck, this place is annoying. I'm ready to fuckin' start over. This small goddamned town is shit!” Something slams and I hear the other guy clear his throat.
“I'm going back out front. Call me if you need me.”
Tommy heads down the hall and our eyes lock. I push a smile on my face and start braiding my hair. “Hi.” I chuckle. “I'm the fucking idiot that made the online appointment.” My cheeks are hot right now and I've never felt this nervous, because I've never fought for what I'm here to fight for. I've never fought for anything.
He nods, approaching me. “Wow,” he says, then lets out a laugh. “You sure you want to be here right now?” He glances down the hall. “He's bein' a fucking psycho this week.” He hits me with his gaze and lifts his eyebrows. “For good reason, I guess.”
I smile. “He hasn't been able to resist my smile yet. Always cheers him up.” Chuckling, I swipe my hair behind my ear. “And I want my tattoo. It's important.”
“Ain't gonna cheer him up today, Kaydence. I can promise you that. Whatever it is, I'll fucking do it. Just leave him be.”
“No.” I clear my throat and stand up straight. “No offense, Tommy, I want Chase to tattoo me. He did my other tattoo and...he's my tattoo artist. I want him.” I meet his gaze that's glaring at me with a cocked eyebrow.
“He's not gonna do it, Kaydence,” he finally says, too soft for his voice to travel down the hall. “You sure you want me to call him out here? You really think that's smart?”
My brows pull together and my fingers curl into a fist. “You're wasting my time,” I snap then round the counter and step into the mouth of the hallway. “Chase?” I yell. “I'm the fucking idiot that needs a tattoo that's not worth your while! Can you come out here and do your job please?” I throw a glance back at Tommy who's staring at me with his arms crossed.
He heads for his station, leaving the door open. I watch down the hall and when Chase steps into my view he looks tired, unshaven, in a wrinkled shirt.