Gone Bitch
Page 9
“Holy shit, Amy! You killed Desi?”
Amy screwed her face up at me in confusion. Genuine confusion.
“Nick, I may be a bitch, but I’m not a murderer.”
I pointed at the TV. “Well then how do you explain that?”
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: The Day of the Return
WTF????????
NICK DUNNE: The Day of the Return
There was a loud knock at the door. I looked at the clock: 1 p.m. on the dot. The police had come to arrest me. Apparently they hadn’t heard that Amy had returned.
I opened the door. Boney stood there holding handcuffs, with Gilpin next to her. “You’re under arrest,” she said.
I was about to point to Amy and explain everything, but it turns out I didn’t need to. Boney wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to Amy.
“Amy Elliott Dunne, you’re under arrest for the murder of Desi Collings,” Boney said, cuffing Amy. “You have the right to remain silent—”
“I didn’t murder anyone!” Amy said. “Desi kidnapped me and I escaped from his house while he was masturbating. I have a video to prove it!”
“And we also have a video,” said Gilpin. “A video of you killing Desi.”
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: The Day of the Return
WTF????????
DESI COLLINGS: Two Days After the Return
I have out Amy’d Amy.
You see, I was sick of being in the friend zone. I’d finally had enough.
Oh, and this wasn’t a recent turn of events. I’d had enough of it when I was 16.
I had to get back at Amy for what she’d done to me: making me waste my entire adolescence in the friend zone. I could’ve been fucking other girls the whole time. Uglier ones, sure, but high school girls. Instead, I wasted all my time on her. And she knew it.
But getting back at Amy was going to take a lot of planning, and a lot of patience. I needed the perfect opportunity.
So I arranged my life so I’d be able to follow Amy’s doings. I never lived too far away from her, and of course, I stayed right there in the friend zone, hearing about her life during our regular meetups for hikes or for an early drink right before she had an actual date.
Amy told me she was thinking about disappearing. Since I was the friend who loved her so much I would never do anything to harm her, she could tell me anything and count on me to keep it a secret.
So when I saw that she went “missing,” I knew exactly what she was up to.
I also knew that she’d get into some kind of difficulty while she was on the run and need help, and when that happened, I knew exactly who she’d call. So I bought a cadaver and made it up to look like me. (Which I could do thanks to my years of makeup and special effects training that I’d undergone for this very purpose.) And then I shot a little security video of someone who looks just like Amy from behind (that would be me in a wig) killing me (that would be the cadaver).
“You’ll never pull this off,” you say. “They’ll figure out the body and video are fake.”
No they won’t. For two reasons:
Reason 1: It’s Missouri, and people are dumb.
Reason 2: Even if it weren’t Missouri and people weren’t dumb, with my family’s wealth and connections it’ll be easy to convince folks that a lengthy investigation isn’t necessary.
And what about me, you say? If the dead body isn’t me, then where am I?
I figured I’d go under the radar for a while by renting a little cabin in a dingy camping community in the Ozarks. Nobody’ll look for me here.
It’s actually not that bad. I’ve made a couple of new friends already. Their names are Jeff and Greta.
NICK DUNNE: Eight Months After the Return
Don’t get me wrong, life without Amy has been awesome. It’s just been a little different than I thought it would be.
For a few months, I took advantage of my newfound fame and hooked up with the hottest girls I’ve ever hooked up with in my life. It was fine and all, but it was never that fun. I think I’ve watched too much porn.
Anyway, I figured out real fast that hooking up with hot girls wasn’t gonna make my life feel complete. I needed something more, something deeper.
So I finally bailed out Go from jail, and we reconciled, started dating, and eventually got married, and now she’s pregnant. I couldn’t be happier.
I guess in a way, I owe Amy a big thank you. Because Amy taught me what was most important about being in a relationship with someone: trust. Go is the only person I can really trust in this world, so when I realized that trust is the key to a relationship, I was able to put aside those stupid societal conventions against incest and fully commit myself to my soulmate.
Our baby’s gonna be a little girl, by the way. We’re praying she doesn’t turn out to be hot. And yes, we’ve already picked out a name.
NotAmy Dunne.
AMY ELLIOTT: One Year After the Return
Tra and la! I’ve made it into a prison gang!
And not just any prison gang. I’ve made it into the gang with the hottest women: the GoneGirlz.
I’m low GoneGirl on the totem pole now, but I have no doubt that soon enough I’ll be at the top. You see in prison, it’s all about status. There’s no money, no cars, no fancy bar mitzvah you can throw for your son and invite your friends to and say, “Look how much better than you I am.” There’s just pure status.
And as a hot girl, I’ve been playing the status game all my life.
So I think I’ve finally found my home.
Here’s the thing, though: the ultimate status in prison comes from being able to make things happen in the outside world. And the ultimate way to make things happen in the outside world is to get back at those on the outside who’ve wronged you.
So while Nick, Desi, and the rest of them might think it’s over, they’d be wise to not let down their guard.
Because I’m just getting started.
About the (Real) Author
STEVE LOOKNER has quickly become one of Amazon’s top parody authors. He began his writing career as an editor of The Harvard Lampoon, and has written for such TV shows as Saturday Night Live, MADtv, and even an episode of Seinfeld. Steve is also the author of The Fault in Our Pants: A Parody of “The Fault in Our Stars”, and The Relief Fisher: A Parody of Mariano Rivera’s “The Closer”, both available on Amazon.
Email Steve at stevelookner@yahoo.com
Table of Contents
Part One: BOY LOSES BITCH
NICK DUNNE: The Day Of
AMY ELLIOTT: January 8, 2005
NICK DUNNE: The Day Of
AMY ELLIOTT: September 18, 2005
NICK DUNNE: The Day Of
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: July 5, 2008
NICK DUNNE: The Night Of
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: April 21, 2009
NICK DUNNE: One Day Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: July 5, 2010
NICK DUNNE: One Day Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: August 23, 2010
RAND AND MARYBETH ELLIOTT: August 23, 2010
NICK DUNNE: Two Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: September 15, 2010
NICK DUNNE: Three Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: October 16, 2010
NICK DUNNE: Four Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: April 28, 2011
NICK DUNNE: Four Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: June 26, 2011
NICK DUNNE: Five Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: July 30, 2011
NICK DUNNE: Six Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: September 2, 2011
NICK DUNNE: Seven Days Gone
Part Two: BOY MEETS BITCH
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: The Day Of
NICK DUNNE: Seven Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: The Day Of
NICK DUNNE: Seven Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Five Days Gone
NICK DUNNE: Eight Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Eight Days Gone
NICK DUNNE: Ei
ght Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Ten Days Gone
NICK DUNNE: Nine Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Ten Days Gone
NICK DUNNE: Nine Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Ten Days Gone
NICK DUNNE: Ten Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Ten Days Gone
NICK DUNNE: Ten Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Ten Days Gone
Part Three: BOY GETS BITCH BACK (OR VICE VERSA)
NICK DUNNE: Eleven Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Twelve Days Gone
NICK DUNNE: Twelve Days Gone
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: The Day of the Return
NICK DUNNE: The Day of the Return
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: The Day of the Return
NICK DUNNE: The Day of the Return
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: The Day of the Return
DESI COLLINGS: Two Days After the Return
NICK DUNNE: Eight Months After the Return
AMY ELLIOTT: One Year After the Return
About the (Real) Author