The Tutor

by K Larsen

  When I come, I howl in delight. We come together, wild in the woods. Feral, like animals.

  I feel him running through my veins.

  “Let’s play in the rain.” He lifts his dark brows, searching my eyes for confirmation, as if I can tell him no. I have a chill and do not want to get wet. “Of course,” I say. He grins and takes my hand. It is raining hard outside but he pulls me into the deluge any way.

  “You have a raindrop running down your cheek, just like a tear.” I laugh because, of course, there is a raindrop on my face. The way he is standing against me, I can feel his thick length against the seam of my thighs. “I love the sound of your laugh.”

  “Holden,” I hedge. He stares at me. “You’re the first and last person I’ll ever love.” I use my thumbs to wipe his jaw free of rain. His jaw clenches. Not a good sign. But he surprises me when he buries his face in my neck. Wildlife flashes through the trees, no doubt seeking shelter from the rain. A small bit of hope blooms in my chest. This life could be good. He pulls back and looks at me. “I wish you wouldn’t say things like that.” His lip twitches in response to some unknown thought. He lunges toward me, crushing his mouth against mine. I cling to him, trying to absorb the blackness he is fighting.

  When he breaks the kiss, I am panting. “I love you, however I can,” he says. My heart nearly explodes in my chest. I am elated to hear those words leave his lips. His eyes possess a wild, barbarous aura. Maybe it’s the rain beating down on us. Maybe it is the words exchanged. “Now, Nora,” he says. A thrill runs through me at the sound of it coming off his tongue. Holden falls on top of me, his face buried in my shoulder. We are soaked to the bone and sated.

  When we are finished. I warm a basin of water and wash his hair for him. He grins and murmurs sweet things in my ear as I take care of him.

  Today has been a rough day. Silence hangs in a cloud of tension over us, punctuated only by the clatter of dishes and the splashing of water. My hands plunge into the soapy water with more force than necessary, soaking the front of my dress.

  “You’re doing it wrong,” Holden yells. “How many times do I need to tell you?”

  “Don’t yell at her!” My chest heaves in anger, and my pulse races through my tightened muscles. I close my eyes and take deep breaths. He backhands me across my cheek. I see stars. I yank Lotte’s arm and usher her into her room. “Goodnight,” I say.

  When her door clicks shut behind me, I find Holden waiting for me.

  His eyes are narrowed. There is a glimmer of hate reflected in them that I am used to. He drags his hand down over his mouth, past his chin.

  “Now, Nora.” Wiping my sweaty palms on my nightgown, I nod.

  I strip my clothes and take position. The cold metal of the blade does funny things to my insides. He makes many cuts tonight. I’m tempted to tell him to stop. It’s too much. But I do not. I let him. After long moments, he stops. His breathing is ragged. He has expended his anger. “You’re so beautiful like this.” He touches around the areas he’s cut. “You will be a work of art Nora. My greatest accomplishment.”

  He pulls at my hips. I move onto my knees. He rounds me and kneels so he is face to face with me. “You are made for this.” His voice brings my entire body to attention.

  He kisses me. He has one hand on my throat and one on my heart. Don’t let me go, I want to tell him. Face to face like this, time stands still. I want to give in. His taste is on my lips. I want to feed the fire that burns him up. The sheets will be stained with blood come morning but it’s no matter. I will wash them as always. Nothing can erase his mark on me. No amount of bleach or washing. I exhale. Relax into his touch. He releases my neck. The sensation is wicked, as his hands move over my skin. His mouth follows. His tongue tickling a path from my neck to my hip and around. He kisses the dimples above my buttocks. We are wicked together.

  When we are finished he falls on top of me, his face buried in my shoulder.

  “I am sorry for so many tonight.” I adjust myself, so that we face each other and his face between my hands. His eyes are intense, as they drink in my features.

  “I forgive you,” I say. It is odd to be comforting him after what happened.

  “You are the only one who understands me.”

  “And loves you anyway.”

  He buries his face in my neck. I close my eyes and wish the burning sensation on my back away.

  In the morning, my cheek and left eye are swollen and red, and a bruise is beginning to bloom. My stomach is rotten and I cannot eat breakfast.

  Dr. Richardson

  I swallow thickly. She forgave. She said she forgave. One cannot forgive without truly caring in the first place. Nora’s love for Holden is as real to her as the air she breathes. I stand and begin pacing.

  “Dr. Richardson?” Nora asks.

  I wave a hand in the air. “Nora, I’d like to take you on a field trip of sorts. Would you be up for that?”

  She eyes me warily but nods. “I will need to tell Eve, so she knows what time to pick me up.”

  “I will drop you at home later.”

  “It’s an hour from here.”

  “Yes.” I scoop up my purse and unhook my coat from the coat tree.

  “Oh. Like right now?”

  “Yes, right now.”

  Nora stands and I hand her her coat. She puts it on slowly. From her pocket, she pulls out her cell phone. “I just need to text Eve.” She taps out a message and tucks her phone back into her pocket.

  “So, where are we going?” she asks.

  “To visit Amelia,” I say, holding the door open for her.

  In the car, Nora looks around. She comments on the many features of my Lexus and how she loves the smell of leather.

  “You have a dog?”

  I cock my head and quickly glance her way as I merge onto the highway. “I do. How’d you know?”

  She points to the backseat and I laugh. There are numerous dog toys scattered about.

  “What kind? I love dogs,” she says.

  “An old, lazy, basset hound.” Nora aww’s and smiles.

  “Who is Amelia and where does she live?”

  “We’re almost there, and you’ll find out soon enough.”

  “It’s not like you to be so mysterious,” she comments.

  “Sometimes,” I say, “mystery is needed to make an impact.”

  I pull off the highway and ten minutes later into the visitor parking lot of Ridgeback State Psychiatric Hospital.

  “I think I’d like to go home,” Nora says nervously.

  I chuckle. “I’m not committing you, Nora.”

  “Well, that’s a relief,” she deadpans.

  “Come on. I want you to meet Amelia.”

  Nora bombards me with questions on the way in. Who is Amelia, why is she meeting her, why is she here? I answer none of her questions.

  “Dr. Richardson to see Amelia Carter,” I tell the station nurse. Once we are signed in, and Amelia is brought to the visiting room, Nora follows me wide eyed.

  “Hello, Amelia,” I say. Her face lights up and she smiles.

  “Robin, it’s so good to see you.” Amelia stands and hugs me. A pang of heartache ripples through me.

  I pull away and look her over. “You look good.”

  “Who is your friend?” she asks.

  “This is Nora. Nora, this is Amelia.”

  Nora extends a hand. “Nice to meet you.”

  “Likewise,” Amelia says.

  “Sit, sit. I don’t get visitors often.”

  Nora and I both take seats.

  “Tell me what’s new,” I say.

  Amelia smiles. “Things have been lovely. Danny has been writing to me. Did I tell you we’re getting married?”

  Nora’s face wrinkles in confusion.

  “Who is Danny?” I ask.

  “Robin, don’t be silly. You know my boyfriend.”

  Sorrow hits me hard as I look across the table at the girl who was once my college roommate, fri
end—now a middle-aged woman living out her life in this destitute place.

  “How did you meet him? Remind me,” I say.

  Amelia’s eyes darken. “Well that’s not the good part of the story. He took me. Bad, bad boy. But he saved me, too. Ask me about how he saved me, Robin, that’s a better story.”

  “He took you?” Nora interrupts.

  Amelia nods. “It wasn’t all bad. Only the beginning. After that, I realized we were soul mates. Someday, he’s going to come for me and we’ll get married.” Her voice is soft and her face wears a wistful expression.

  “Tell me how he saved you?” Nora asks. I lean back in my chair and wait. I want Nora to see the real world consequences of romanticizing what’s happened to her. To show her through Amelia, how deep the psychological effects take root and ruin lives.

  “Oh,” Amelia looks to me, “I like your friend.” Then she’s focused on Nora again. “Well, it took me a while to learn. He had to discipline me, but after a while, I liked it. Sometimes, I was even naughty on purpose.” She giggles. “But he did it out of love. You know? Because he loved me so much. No one will ever love me the way he does. We took walks together. He talked about his life and how important I am to him. At night, he would tie me to different places and use the cane until I—”

  “Okay, Amelia, I think she understands.”

  Amelia pouts. She shuffles her slippered feet back and forth over the linoleum floor.

  “Why are you here?” Nora asks. I wait patiently for my friend’s answer. I’ve never thought to ask her that question.

  “Because, when they took me away from him, I was sad. So, so sad. I wanted to be with him and they wouldn’t let me. I did this.” She holds out her arms and shows off the scars on her wrists. “I tried a few times.” Her bottom lip juts out. “They kept telling me it’s wrong. He’s wrong. I’m wrong. Trying to die is wrong. So, I moved in here, where I can be watched.” Nora shudders.

  “Where is Danny?” I ask.

  “He’s in a place like this, too. Only bars and gates and locked doors can keep us apart.”

  Nora looks at me. “He’s in prison for kidnapping her, torturing her and holding her hostage for over a year.” Nora bites her bottom lip.

  “When Danny comes for you, you’ll leave with him?” Nora asks Amelia.

  “Of course. We’re meant to be and no one can stop us from loving each other.”

  “Dr. Richardson,” Nora whispers.

  “Yes?”

  “I’d like to leave now.”

  “Not yet. I’d like Amelia to give us a tour of the facility. Show us what she does all day.”

  Amelia claps her hands together and stands. “I’d love that. I don’t get many visitors.”

  Lotte

  Holden points and I bring the binoculars to my eyes and look. Nora. Holden won’t take me any closer because he knows better. But at least he is letting me see her somehow. She doesn’t look great. She looks gaunt again. Her hair is tucked up in a bun and she is sitting on her front porch steps. Her leg is in a cast but not the hard kind and sticks out from the steps awkwardly. Her skin is paler than normal, if that’s possible and someone sits next to her, one arm slung over her shoulder. It must be Aubry. I loved to listen to her tell stories of her best friend. She sounded so exciting and vibrant. Aubry was the funny to Nora’s serious.

  “I don’t like how she looks.” Holden’s voice startles me. A flippant retort comes to mind, but I bite my lip to keep it in.

  “She looked like this before. She’ll be okay,” I say. But I’m not sure. I need Nora to look strong. I have to play my part. I have to play along. If Holden doesn’t trust me, I don’t stand a chance.

  He shoots me a look of real sorrow. The kind that can move a person. I know he’s not right in the head but I know what happened between them hurt him deeply. I know that if Holden can love, he loves Nora.

  Pale. Thin. Her arms are too thin. Nora is losing something. She’s lost something. Her eyes are dull. She’s losing receptiveness, sanity. Strength. I don’t know how to help her. Eve never looked this way. Broken—yes, hurt and exhausted even, but never like Nora looks. A wave of nausea hits and Nora, stumbles. Holden, suddenly, by her side, helps her to a bucket.

  “Holden, it’s the only way.”

  “There is no way to get that close to her. There are reporters and police,” he says.

  “There are three houses along her back yard, we need to go in that way. You can break a window or something, right?”

  “Do you want to get caught?” he barks. I take a deep breath and drag my eyes away from his.

  “No,” I answer carefully. “I want to be a family again.”

  Holden pats my head and grips my chin. I stifle a shudder as he moves my face to his and smiles at me.

  “You’re not wrong, Lotte. We won’t be able to grab her and go in public. It’s going to have to be somewhere more private.” He releases my face and relief rushes through me.

  “I think at night, it’s dark enough to sneak through her backyard from the other street and break into her house.”

  “It’s not going to be something we can plan that way. If we do it that way, we’re going to need to be close beforehand, so if the moment is right, we can jump.”

  “I can sleep in the car,” I offer. “It won’t bother me.” He looks me over, trying to decipher if I am trustworthy or not. The car is a vulnerable spot. People can see. Or rather I can see people and make noise, draw attention, escape. “If we don’t act soon, those people will make her hate you. She’ll be brain-washed. What happens then? What happens if she gets over you and gets a new boyfriend?” I am pushing my luck. This conversation could backfire and end badly for me. I am the only person for him to take his rage out on. His face morphs into what looks like absolute desperation and terror.

  “She wouldn’t do that to us. But after dark, we will sleep in the car on the street behind hers for the next couple days.”

  Elation blooms in my chest. “You will be blindfolded and gagged.”

  “Sure, okay,” I blurt out. I don’t care what Holden does to me, if he sees an opportunity to get into Nora’s house, I’m saved.

  Nora

  The cabin smells of roasting turkey, boiling corn, and baking bread. Holden shoots me a shy glance over his shoulder as he sugars the water for the corn. It is too early for dinner food. The sky outside is gray and the cabin feels chilly, despite the woodstove going.

  “What is all this?” I ask. I’m hit with a wave of nausea. I bring a hand to my belly. I need to lie down, I think.

  “Then you should,” Holden says. I whip around to face him. I didn’t realize I said anything out loud. Wiping hair from my forehead, I lean back against the wall and try to center myself. I start retching. Long, painful minutes later, nothing is left in my stomach. Even so, I’m still racked by dry heaves. Holden folds me into his arms.

  “Do you have a fever?”

  “No. It doesn’t feel like a cold,” I tell him.

  He lays me down in the bedroom. Lotte brings me a glass of water. I use the time to write letters to Aubry. I burn them in the gas lamp flame when I am done. Some things are meant just for me. It is an hour or more until I feel better. I stand and stretch. In the mirror, I catch a glimpse of myself. I look away before it can sink in.

  “Hello,” I say from the living room. Holden and Lotte turn simultaneously.

  “How’re you feeling,” he asks.

  “Better.”

  “Good enough for a meal?” Lotte asks.

  I grin. “What is all this?”

  “Thanksgiving,” Holden answers.

  I clap my hands together. “How could I have forgotten?” Lotte grins at me. A real smile. “Lotte, let’s make the table look pretty.” I hold my hand out to her. She takes it. “Holden, give me a few minutes.”

  He nods as I lead Lotte out the door.

  We collect red berries and twigs and fashion them into a wreath that will fit around the base
of the gas lamp on the table. When it looks right, Lotte and I head back to the cabin. It smells divine inside. Holden has a big fat grin on his face. He has set the table and put out all the fixings for a delectable meal. I let Lotte present our wreath. Holden tells us he is grateful for us, his family.

  My heart melts at his words.

  “May I have my cell phone? I want to take a picture of us.”

  Holden nods and leaves to retrieve my phone. I power it on and wait for it to boot up. When I have the camera open, I call Lotte over. The three of us pose together at the bountiful table. Smiling faces light up the screen, as I snap pictures of our holiday. I flip through the pictures quickly and smile. They are perfect. I power off my phone and hand it back to Holden. There is no telling how long the battery might last, if I keep it on too long.

  Later, we lie in bed. Me staring at the ceiling, Holden resting his head on my belly.

  “I am pregnant.” I wait with bated breath for his reaction. A baby means a doctor and more food and supplies for the winter.

  “I figured,” he says, a slight smile on his face.

  “Are you happy?” I ask. I am surprised when Holden only kisses me goodnight and turns off the light. No lecture. No punishment. No pleasure. Maybe this baby will be good for us. He holds me close to him all night long.

  I wake with his arm heavy across my waist. I turn my body and kiss his neck. A contented groan escapes him as he wakes. “Good morning, mama.”

  I smile. “Mama?”