Seeking Sorrow (Guardians of Terath Book 1)

by Zen DiPietro

  “They are, for the most part. Apparently, when you’re working in the kitchen and helping yourself to bites of things as you go along, you eat a lot more than you realize.” He sent her a sheepish grin.

  “Spoiled your dinner?”

  “Yup.”

  “Why is the commander doing food prep anyway?”

  “I wondered the same thing, but why not? Something to occupy myself with, and a way to be helpful. And something I’d never really tried.”

  The warmth of her smile dissolved some of the fatigue lines around her mouth. The past couple days had been a downward slope toward normalcy for everyone else, but Izzy now plied her own trade to handle the fallout. Will had barely seen her.

  “You’ve been busy with Meli?”

  “Yes.” She got herself a glass of water and seated herself on a stool beside the counter. Pulling a bowl of vegetables to her, she plucked one up and dropped it into her mouth.

  Will watched her chew. Her wide mouth was fetching when it smiled, but he found it was equally appealing when she chewed. Only when words came out of her mouth did he sometimes find it disagreeable. He doubted she’d take the time to tease him in her currently beleaguered state, though, so he was probably safe.

  “I think she’s doing well. She still has no awareness of her alter ego, so to speak. At first, she was sleepy and a little dazed, but rest and gentle reassurance has helped her recover. Actually it’s remarkable how well she’s doing, considering she had some manahi version of a lobotomy. She’s well enough to travel.”

  Will appropriated a stool for himself and joined her at the counter.

  “There are still questions about what happened to her and what she did. Will there ever be any answers?” He didn’t want to add to Izzy’s burdens, but wished all of the blanks had been filled in. It was difficult to complete a puzzle only to find some pieces had been lost.

  “Have you talked to Kassimeigh about what she saw in Meli’s mind?”

  Will nodded.

  “That’s most of what we know about what happened to Meli, other than what her conscious mind remembered from the first time mana came to her. Rather than the gradual pubescence of mana, Meli got all of her power in one moment in time and it broke her. The fact that she survived is incredible, but the mana and the brain damage it caused forced her mind to split into two parts and she became, essentially, a dual personality. Kassimeigh exorcised the ‘other’ self from Meli. We may never find out how much of her life was spent as Meli, and how much as Anguish.”

  Izzy broke off to help herself to another bite of vegetable. Will had become accustomed to eating with a bunch of guys who cared little for table manners. He admired Izzy’s measured bites.

  “I hope she spent most of her time as Meli,” Izzy remarked. “She still recognizes Anguish as separate person rather than a part of herself. It’s telling that she assigned the entity a name that describes suffering. You probably already know, I’m going with her to a place where I, along with a team of others, can work with her. She’ll be well cared for and if she reveals any more answers, I’ll make sure you know.”

  “Do you need help, getting her to where you’re going?” Will felt a spike of concern for Izzy’s safety.

  “Carston will accompany us, so we’ll be in good hands. But thank you.”

  He pushed a cutting board of freshly-sliced bread toward her. Thinking better of it, he pulled a jar of makka-nut butter across the countertop, slathered a thick layer onto a slice of bread, and then handed it to her.

  “Would you mind if I send you a message from time to time, to see how you both are doing?” Soon, Izzy wouldn’t be part of his everyday life. He’d become accustomed to her big mouth and boundless energy.

  “I’d be mad if you didn’t.” She bit into the bread.

  They exchanged a smile, and he remembered all the times she’d teased and nettled him. He was surprised to realize he’d miss her barbed wit.

  “Then I will.”

  “Good. Maybe if we find ourselves at loose ends, we can find an art exhibition to argue over.”

  “It’s a date.”

  She took another piece of bread and offered him one. When he accepted it, she held hers up as if it were a wine glass, and they bumped their pieces of bread together in a toast to each other.

  “What’s in your immediate future, General Will?”

  “First stop, the Council of Magistrates. Then I wait.”

  “Hmm, boring. Waiting. I’ve never been a big fan.”

  “Yes. I’ve been thinking it’s been so long since I took time to enjoy something, I probably should. While the Council mulls over my proposal, I’m going to find some fun.”

  “Really.” Izzy straightened. “What will that look like?”

  “I have no idea, actually. It’s part of the fun.”

  Izzy laughed and bumped her shoulder against his. “You’re loosening up, Azrith. I like it.”

  “Be careful what you wish for. I work very hard. I may approach fun the same way.” He really wasn’t someone who dabbled.

  “Oh, do. And when you get some momentum behind you, give me a call. I want to see that for myself. Otherwise I might not believe it happened at all.”

  He laughed with her. “Deal. I owe you one art exhibition and some unspecified fun.”

  “Thinking deep thoughts?”

  Kassimeigh looked up to see Izzy in the library’s doorway. “All the time. It must make me popular. You’re the third person I’ve talked to in here over the past hour.”

  “It’s not the deep thoughts.” Izzy took the straight-backed chair Luc had recently vacated. She somehow made the chair look cozy, curling her legs up on the seat and leaning back into a casual pose.

  Kassimeigh let the implied compliment slide past her. She knew what this visit was about, regardless of Izzy’s easy approach.

  “You want me to see Meli.”

  “I think it’s in both of your best interests to meet again before you part ways.”

  “You don’t think it will conjure traumatic images for her?”

  “I don’t. The Anguish side of her has been extinguished. She’s just Meli now.”

  “You don’t think it will conjure traumatic images for me?”

  “If it does, you’ll handle them. It’s what you do.”

  “It isn’t usually so personal.”

  “Good practice for you, then.”

  “You sound like an elder.”

  “Nicest thing you ever said to me. Let’s go.”

  The walk across the fortress was too short for Kassimeigh’s liking and she stared hard at Meli’s doorway as they approached it. She remembered too well the first time she’d met Meli as a confused, abused waif. She also remembered the picnics they’d shared in the arboretum. Those two versions of Meli had been so different from one another, and the last time Kassimeigh had seen Meli, she had fought the woman’s derangement. She just didn’t know what to expect of Meli today.

  “Kassimeigh.” Meli stepped forward to give her friend a hug as soon as Kassimeigh entered. “I was just getting ready for bed.”

  Indeed, her slim form was clad in a loose nightgown. Kassimeigh returned the hug with gentle care. Meli still felt so fragile.

  “I’ll not keep you long, then. I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”

  “I’m well, thank you. I’ve missed seeing you, but Izzy said you’ve been very busy, getting ready to leave the fortress.”

  “Yes, we’re all getting ready to leave.”

  “I am, too. I’ll be glad to go somewhere I can make new friends and be around people. Izzy says the place we’re going has a lovely garden I can work in.”

  “Then you’re happy to be leaving?”

  “I’ll miss my arboretum bu
t am looking forward to not being alone anymore. This is good. It’s what I wanted, when we decided to fight Anguish.”

  “I’m glad you’re happy.” Kassimeigh hoped it lasted.

  “I’d be happier if you promised to visit me sometime soon. And Izzy says in the mid-lats, there are panels to let you see and talk to someone even if they’re far away. They send messages, too.”

  “All true.”

  “Will you talk to me on the panel and send me messages?”

  “I promise.”

  “And visit?”

  “I’ll be busy for some time, but I’ll visit you once I’m able.”

  Meli beamed at her. “Then I’m even more excited to go. I’ve already packed up my puzzles and a few books I’d like to keep. I’m looking forward to a new beginning.”

  “I’m glad. I want the best for you.”

  “I know! You’re a good friend.”

  Meli enveloped Kassimeigh in a tight hug, and Kassimeigh squeezed back.

  Chapter 17

  “You’re sure you and Carston want to be responsible for Meli?” Kassimeigh leaned against a cart and studied Izzy. The reader was clearly tired, but there was still much to do. All of the carts would head toward the mid-lats, but at a certain point, the battalion would fragment into groups heading in different directions.

  “You bet. I’m the natural choice of temporary guardian for her, and I’m very familiar with this facility. It’s an excellent place for her, full of kind people who will help her find a place in the world. As you heard from her last night, she’s excited to go.”

  “Do you think she’ll ever be self-sufficient?”

  “Too early to say, but I have high hopes for our girl. She showed so much promise before we reached Umi Cabal. She’d really begun to rediscover herself, and I think we can encourage the process. I intend to take a primary role in her care and treatment. Your merciful sentence to confine her at a mental facility for rehabilitation gives her all possible options.”

  “I’ve thought about my choice to adjudicate her myself. Some might consider it a conflict of interest but I think I was the only person qualified to make a just decision. Another justice would have made a different judgment. She destroyed two towns, and those twisted creatures. We may never know who they once were or how she kept them. Horrifying to consider.” She shook her head in dismay before continuing.

  “But I don’t know that there can be justice without mercy in the face of insanity. It is not a bowl’s fault it is broken. A person must choose whether to throw it away or try to repair it. I couldn’t throw Meli away.” Kassimeigh fell silent, considering. “Stilling her was an ugly thing.”

  Izzy acknowledged her friend’s conflict with a sympathetic sigh. “Necessary things sometimes are ugly. Her ability to hold mana destroyed her childhood, and yours, and drove her insane. Now that it’s gone, she has a chance to live a life. She has a lovely, sweet spirit and it’s my hope that she can continue her life where she left off all those years ago.” Izzy shifted a little closer. “You’re the one bearing the biggest scar from the stilling. She got the good end of it, so don’t worry about Meli.”

  Kassimeigh looked out at the gray horizon, wishing she, Arc, and Izzy stood on the other side. She’d had more than enough traveling about to last her for a long while. The easy monorail system of the mid-lats had never seemed so decadently inviting.

  “Do you think she’ll ever regain memories from the Anguish portion of her mind? I saw some glimpses into her life and determined Umi Cabal was an accident, but there are still questions.”

  “Will asked about that too. Actually, everyone has. As her mind heals from the effects of the mana, her personal memories might solidify. But her brushes with mana were like psychotic episodes, and her conscious mind was unaware of them. I doubt she’ll recover any of that, and it’s better for her if she doesn’t. Who wants the burden of those memories?”

  Kassimeigh rubbed her forehead. “I had the same wild mana she did, in equal measure. It could have driven me insane, but I was blanketed before my ability manifested itself. I could have been just like her.”

  Izzy’s sympathetic expression eased into a fond smirk. “That is such crap.”

  Kassimeigh blinked at Izzy’s easy dismissal of her deepest fear.

  “You are Kassimeigh of Umi Cabal, shiv justice of Terath. You have massive talent, and I don’t just mean the mana you can hold. You’ve dedicated your entire life to being controlled, level, and self-aware. You are made to endure.” Izzy waved a hand. “Meli is altogether different. Her soft nature made her malleable, and she was only a child when the force of the mana fractured her mind. The two of you share about a minute of history, and some cabalite genetics, but that’s it.”

  Kassimeigh shifted her attention to the fortress. “I wonder if someday she’d want to come back here.”

  “I doubt it. It was more of a prison for her than a home. But maybe someday she’ll feel the need to see it again.”

  Kassimeigh wasn’t a sentimental person. She knew if it were her, she’d leave this place behind and never look back. “The fortress now has a hundred acres or more of good land surrounding it. It’s perfect for some new enterprise. I can easily imagine a training ground here, as well as a respectable military headquarters.”

  Izzy bounced on her toes. “I have a feeling Will would like that very much. Do you think it will come to pass?”

  “I’d put my wager on Will’s side. I’ll put whatever influence I have behind him, too. I think we can get it done.”

  Izzy’s wide mouth broadened into her signature grin. “Let me know if I can help.”

  “And let me know if I can help with Meli. If it’s possible, please find her a dance teacher. I’m happy to cover whatever costs are involved.”

  Izzy put an arm around Kassimeigh’s waist and drew her in for a hug. “Having a creative outlet will no doubt have a positive effect on her treatment. And you’ll give my apologies to Magistrate Trewe?”

  “I will.”

  “After you see her, then what? Northern Keep?”

  “Yes. First, the Capital and the Council. We need to make a full accounting of events, and I have to make myself answerable for my actions. Once I’ve done my job there, I’ll go home to the keep and subject myself to the elders. They have decisions to make about my future.”

  “You’re handing a lot of accounting over to others. You make it sound like the decisions all belong to everyone else.”

  “I serve at the pleasure of the order. If given the choice, I’ll continue to do so. But they might opt against having a manahi as a shiv. It’s always been considered a conflict of interest.”

  “Well. If they need a professional outside opinion, I’m happy to consult. In fact, I might come give it to them whether they ask me or not.”

  A surprised laugh escaped Kassimeigh. She believed that, actually. “I’ll warn them.”

  Her gaze traveled to Carston, who was adjusting the gear in the back of the cart he and Izzy had packed. “So.” She raised an eyebrow at Izzy.

  The reader lifted a shoulder. “I like him, he likes me. He has nowhere particular he needs to be, so we’re seeing what happens.” Izzy let her gaze pointedly fall upon Arc, who was chatting with two of the archers. “So.”

  “I know. Once we’ve dealt with the Council of Magistrates and I’ve received the elders’ determination, it will be time for some overdue reckoning.”

  “Reckoning. Yes. You should definitely spend a lot of time reckoning.” Izzy’s suggestive tone was clear.

  With a slight shake of her head, Kassimeigh kept her mouth shut.

  “Ah, well. Details later, then. Thank goodness for the comm system!”

  Chapter 18

  Ina Trewe awoke slowly. She rolled onto her back and hummed a tune
less little song. Letting her head loll to the side, she reached out and poked Luc in the arm. “Are you really here?”

  “Let’s see,” he mused. He tickled the juncture of her neck and shoulder, making her laugh and squirm. “Guess so.”

  She grabbed a pillow and thumped it onto his chest, then stretched her arms and put them behind her head. “Good. I like it better that way.”

  “You know,” he sat up suddenly and shifted to look directly at her, “So do I. Let’s do something about it.”

  Surprised, she sat up too. She noticed a blinking light on the comm panel in her bedroom. She should answer it, as it might be important. She checked her messages every morning as soon as she woke, without fail. She stayed right where she was. “What do you mean?”

  “You and I, my love, have worked long and hard in our lives. We’ve spent most of our time in the service of others, and look at us. Middle-aged, more, and still not living life for ourselves. Before we know it, we’ll have wound down our time without ever putting us first.”

  “Who are you calling middle-aged?” she protested.

  He placated her with a quick peck on her lips. “Let’s find our cottage in the forest. We’ll swim in the creek, make biscuits, and go days without putting on any clothes.”

  A laugh burbled out of her. “Make biscuits? Is that a euphemism?”

  He frowned. “No. I just really like biscuits. When I picture a life of domestic bliss, I definitely envision biscuits being a part of it all.”

  She laughed again, swept along by his plan. “Can we really do it, just go?”