Resonance (Marauders #4)

by Lina Andersson

  One of the sweetbutts put a tray full of food on the bar.

  “Thanks, hon’,” he said and picked it up. “See you guys later.”

  “Hey,” Mitch yelled before he’d left the room. “Did she really break your finger?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why?”

  “I was cheating.”

  “You said her dad didn’t mind.”

  “He doesn’t. She really hates it, though.”

  He left the tray on the dresser and smiled when he remembered Billie on it the night before. She’d fallen asleep again, and after pulling off his clothes, he got in behind her.

  “Got you breakfast.”

  “You smell good,” she whispered and pulled him closer. “Like you and me with a nice mix of sex. Who were you talking to earlier?”

  “Dwayne. Told him I’d give him Felix’s number so he could call him.”

  “He’d like that. He likes talking on the phone.”

  “I know,” he said and gave her a kiss.

  She hooked her legs around his hips and pulled him closer, and her smile grew when she felt that he was naked.

  “You sure you’re up for this?” he asked with a smile against her lips. “There was some complaining about a sore body earlier.”

  “Just go easy on me.”

  oOo

  I WAS RELAXED. DEFINITELY. I couldn’t remember when I’d last felt so sated and relaxed. I’d been nervous as hell when I’d walked into the clubhouse. I wasn’t sure what to expect to find at a biker clubhouse on a Saturday night. Tommy had told me to not be too nervous about it, since it wasn’t a post-church party it wouldn’t get too wild. It was plenty wild anyway, and I was glad Anna had been there. It had made it easier to ignore the other women, the ones I seriously doubted were anyone’s girlfriends.

  “Did you and my parents agree on a time I should be home?” I asked.

  “Just that I’d show you a good time and take you home during the day. They were going to take Felix to a movie if he felt up for it.”

  We were sitting opposite each other with the tray between us. The coffee wasn’t more than lukewarm, but I didn’t mind. Once we’d eaten, he put the tray away and pulled me down to lie beside him.

  “You know I love you,” I mumbled. “I’ve loved you since we were kids.”

  “I know, baby.”

  “Do you still love me? A little at least?”

  “The awesome thing about loving someone is that you can be pissed as fuck at them, and you still love them. So, yeah, still love you.”

  “I’m sorry. I really am, I hate myself for what I did.”

  “Don’t do that, Billie.” He tugged my hair to make me look at him. “What happened to you? I know something happened.”

  I hesitated, but decided it was better if he knew. I didn’t do it for pity, or to get a good excuse for what I’d done, but because he should know. If we were going to work, he needed to know. I was glad I’d waited until after we’d had sex, though. I didn’t want it to get between us the way it might’ve done otherwise, but it was still something that messed with my head at times, and I wanted him to understand what was going on when that happened.

  “I was raped. My commander came into my bunk after a night out with his friends, and he raped me. But it was really just the peak of the… It wasn’t all that happened, and I wasn’t the only one, but it was the worst.”

  Tommy looked at me and gently stroked my cheek.

  “When?”

  “A few months before Zach died. I wanted him to come home so bad, and then…” I shrugged. “Then you came instead, and I felt safe with you. Then I fucked that up, too.”

  Tommy shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. You didn’t know.”

  “Maybe I should’ve known.”

  “You can’t think like that. I mean, maybe I should’ve told you, but I didn’t.”

  He leaned down and kissed me. “So I was…”

  “Yeah. The first afterwards. I think that’s another reason I just didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to know. I wanted you to be like you would’ve been anyway.” I held his cheeks. “And keep this up, how you are with me now. It’s working for me.”

  “I noticed,” he smiled. “You should’ve told me. Now, when you came back. Not because it’s really any of my business, but it does explain some of what you did.”

  “I think… I don’t want to use it as an excuse, not for small things, but definitely not for big things. It gives him a power over my life I don’t want him to have. I make my own mistakes, and I own up to them. If I say that big mistakes I made are because of him, then I… give him a right to exist in my life like some evil ghost lurking around. I’m not prepared to do that.”

  “Okay,” he smiled. “You’re a shitty person, and it’s all your fault.”

  “Point taken,” I laughed. “Maybe I just didn’t want you to know.”

  “Why?”

  “I think… I don’t want you to see me as that rape victim you need to be nice to and careful with. So don’t you dare start doing that now. I can’t deal with that.”

  He nodded. “Not gonna promise you it won’t be at the back of my head for a while, but I’ll do my best. And I’ll keep fucking you like I did yesterday and this morning.”

  “Good.”

  He studied me for a while, then he smiled. “Can I just say one thing?”

  “Sure.”

  “You’re strong. Really strong. I mean I knew that, but fucking hell, Billie, you’re amazing. I was basically a basket case for months after Zach died, but you… raised a sick kid and dealt with your own attack.”

  “I’m not sure I dealt with anything. And he was two when he became sick.”

  “You survived, and you’re doing well, so you must’ve dealt with some of it.”

  “Maybe. You do what you have to.”

  “Not everyone does, Munchkin.”

  “Don’t call me that,” I laughed. “But I guess it fits. Sometimes you just jump and hope for the best.”

  *

  I left Tommy at the clubhouse around noon, and when I came home the others were having lunch.

  “Mommy!” Felix yelled and came to meet me. “Did we surprise you? Grandpa said I couldn’t tell you, that it was a surprise, and that Daddy would make sure you had fun. Did you have fun?”

  “Yes. I did, and I was very surprised,” I said and knelt down to give him a hug. “Missed you, though.”

  “What did you do?”

  “We were with his friends, and we played pool.”

  “Did you win?”

  “Did I win?” I said and leaned back to look at him. “Of course I won!”

  Felix laughed and hugged me again.

  “Did Daddy take pictures?”

  “Yes. He’ll come by and show you later today or tomorrow.” I stood up and lifted him up in my arms. “Are you having lunch?”

  “Turkey,” Felix said and when we entered the kitchen he yelled to Mom and Dad, “She had fun!”

  “That’s great,” Mom said. “Are you hungry, honey?”

  “No. I’m fine, I’ll just have some coffee.”

  Felix kept asking questions, and I answered them as well as I could. He was mostly curious who else had been there, and he seemed proud he knew who they were. He also asked if he could go see the clubhouse, and I told him to ask Tommy. I wouldn’t have thought it was a place for kids, but Tommy had said kids were there often during the day to hang out with each other and their ‘uncles.’ I figured Felix would be safe if he was with Tommy, and that the others knew how to behave around kids. It didn’t seem likely that Brick would accept anyone misbehaving around his grandkids.

  “Was Bucket there?” Felix asked.

  “No, he wasn’t.”

  “His dad has horses.”

  “Adam’s? Bucket has horses?”

  “No. Bucket’s daddy. He’s got loads of horses.”

  That didn’t make much sense, but Fel
ix had already moved on to the next subject. I looked at Dad.

  “Bucket’s dad owns a ranch,” he explained in a low voice. “Cattle, I think. He talked about cows, but they probably have horses to—”

  He didn’t get to finish.

  “They have horses. Like cowboys,” Felix exclaimed. “And he’s been rodeoing.”

  “Been on the rodeo, honey,” Mom said.

  “I think rodeoing is a word,” Dad pointed out. I had no idea either way, and didn’t think it was worth the discussion, so I turned to Felix.

  “I understand, little guy. When did he tell you that?”

  “At the hospital,” Felix answered. “Think I could go riding sometime?”

  “Maybe. We’ll have to ask him.”

  For some reason, it was hard for me to imagine the son of a ranch owner in a biker club.

  Later that day, Felix came with his phone to show me a picture Tommy had sent to him. It was the two of us together, standing next to each other. I was holding a cue and Tommy had his arm around my waist. He was looking into the camera, but I was looking at him.

  “You have your hair down,” Felix said while looking at the picture. “You look really pretty when you have that.”

  “Thank you, honey. That’s a really nice picture.”

  “Maybe I can put it in a frame. Your smile is nice. It’s like when you’re smiling at me.”

  It was surprising how observant kids were without always understanding what they were seeing. I was smiling on the picture, the same way I smiled when I looked at Felix.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Do You Yield?

  oOo

  “JESUS, THIS IS SO tacky,” I groaned when I felt Tommy’s hands on my ass. He lifted me up, and I circled his hips with my legs. “It’s like being sixteen again.”

  “I knew it!” he chuckled. “That motherfucker fucked you.”

  He was talking about Andrew Tucker, my boyfriend when I was sixteen. I’d told Zach and Tommy that we weren’t having sex, and they had a talk with him, too. Mainly since he was actually their friend, and he’d asked me out without getting their ‘permission.’ They’d threatened him, and I’d described in detail what I would do to Zach’s bike if they didn’t back the fuck off. Andrew had been my boyfriend for over six months, I’d been very much in love with him, and he was the first guy I’d had sex with. Something Zach and Tommy had suspected, but to save Andrew’s dick, I’d maintained for years that we’d never ‘done it.’ I didn’t think the guy deserved a beating even after he’d broken up with me. Or, I did think he deserved it, but I wanted to give him the beating myself. Then I met the next guy and a few years later most of my thoughts about Andrew were positive. He’d been a great guy, and he’d treated me really well.

  But yes, we’d had sex, every chance we got, which when you’re sixteen meant a lot of not so very classy places. Like the restroom in a park. Which was where Tommy was getting ready to fuck me.

  “Oh, yeah,” I said with a big smile. “He nailed me every chance he got.”

  “Damn!” Tommy laughed and kissed me. “I was so sure, but Zach said you wouldn’t lie to him about it.”

  “Totally would,” I admitted. “Can we stop talking now?”

  “Yeah.” Tommy had managed to get a condom out of his pocket, and he handed it to me. “Open it.”

  I did, and then rolled it on him. I grabbed a few extra feels because I loved feeling his big dick in my hands.

  “I guess this is sort of exercise,” I groaned. With a smile, he pressed inside of me. “Fuck.”

  “Next time, don’t wear short shorts. I can’t fucking jog with a rock hard dick.”

  It had been a month, and since I couldn’t spend the night at the clubhouse or his apartment very often, and I still didn’t want him to spend the night at Mom and Dad’s house, we’d ended up in similar situations an embarrassing number of times. It really was like being sixteen again, but instead of hiding it from our parents, we were hiding it from our kid. So far, it seemed to be working. Felix was just glad that we were spending more time with him together. My main concern was how long it would take before Mom, Dad, or both of them started to butt in.

  I didn’t mind the quickies we took all over Phoenix and Greenville, though, they were good, but I also wanted to spend more nights with him. We’d decided to wait until after the surgery. I had a hard time thinking about anything beyond that.

  “Fucking hell, Billie,” Tommy groaned when he let me back down on the floor. We were both panting, and once again my throat was sore from trying to hold back screams. He leaned against the sink. “Am I supposed to jog now? I don’t think I can.”

  I pulled up the short shorts that had put us in the situation, then I leaned closer to him.

  “Do you yield?”

  He glared at me. “No fucking way.”

  *

  Two days later, we were at the hospital, and the news was good—sort of. All the tests were done, and they didn’t think Felix would be in a better condition than he was at the moment. Rather the opposite: he was getting worse, so it was best if the surgery was done as soon as possible.

  I looked at Tommy. We hadn’t talked much about the transplant, but I knew he’d done all the tests, and that he’d been cleared. I also knew that he’d stayed away from drinking, smokes, and just generally everything that could be bad, since he found out about Felix’s existence. He hadn’t hesitated at all, and I assumed he’d gotten all the information the doctors thought he needed.

  I’d obviously done a lot of research on kidney transplants. Like how they’d pump his abdomen full of CO2, and it would be in his body for up to two weeks, and for some reason no one had been able to explain to me, that would mean pain in his shoulder area. I’d actually thought it was a joke, but it wasn’t.

  Even if it all went well, it could take up to twelve weeks until Tommy was back to normal. I didn’t think that would be the case for him, given his physical health, but it was still a risk. It was a lot more painful than most had expected before donating. The first one or two days, Tommy would be hooked up to a morphine pump. I knew he wasn’t a stranger to pain, but still…

  Then there were the risks with only having one kidney, which, given his lifestyle, might be more of a risk than if it had been me giving a kidney to Felix.

  There was no doubt in my mind that Tommy knew all these things, but he’d never mentioned any of them as an issue. Nothing seemed to be any issue to him, and Tommy looked at the doctor.

  “When?”

  “We’re going to schedule it for next Tuesday. As long as you and Felix stay healthy until then, we’ll go through with it.”

  We stayed for a long time; everyone had a lot of questions, and Felix the most of them. Good questions, not just what would get better, but also what could happen later. My heart ached with pride and love when he asked about what it would be like for Tommy, if he’d be in pain, and he wasn’t satisfied with the comment from Tommy that he shouldn’t worry about it. When we left about an hour later, Felix made us stop in the hallway.

  “Daddy, how much pain is it for you?” he asked.

  Tommy crouched down in front of Felix. With a grip on his neckline, he pulled the t-shirt to the side to show Felix the scars he had on his shoulder. I knew they continued down the front almost to his nipple, and quite far down his shoulder blade on his back, too.

  “See this?” he said.

  “Yes,” Felix said with big eyes.

  “I got that when I tried to save your uncle’s life, and my leg looks about the same. Hurt like hell; it still hurts sometimes. So if I did that to save my friend, think I’d do anything less to save my kid?” He pulled Felix into a hug. “Don’t worry about me, Champ. I’ll be fine. You just focus on yourself.”

  I quickly dried my eyes and tried to control my breathing when Felix put his arms around Tommy and hid his face against his neck.

  “You scared?” Tommy asked, but Felix shook his head. “It’s okay if you are, y
ou know. Everyone is scared sometimes. Scared keeps us alive. Remember what the Wizard says to the Lion?”

  Felix nodded against Tommy’s neck, and I knew what he meant, too. We’d read The Wonderful Wizard of Oz several times by then, and just as Mom and Dad had done with us when we were kids, Tommy and I had emphasized a few things in the book, and one of them was what the Wizard says to the lion. All of us knew that sentence by heart, and it was Dad’s favorite line in the book. ‘There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. True courage is facing danger when you’re afraid.’

  Felix whispered something, but I couldn’t hear what, and it was getting increasingly hard to not just bawl my eyes out.

  “Last time I was scared?” Tommy repeated in a slightly broken voice while looking at me. “Honestly, kiddo, I’m pretty fucking scared right now. But not because it might hurt.”

  Tommy sat down on the floor with Felix on his lap. They were still hugging, and he reached out for me.

  “Think we need a family hug. Come on, mama bear,” he said, and I sat down next to him.

  After a while, Felix climbed over to my lap, and Tommy was holding us both. That was when that anger of the unfairness hit me. It did that sometimes. I got angry about how fucking unfair it was that Felix didn’t really get a chance to be a kid. That he was so little and had experienced so much pain already.

  “Are you scared sometimes, Mom?” he asked.

  “Most of the time,” I admitted. “Like Daddy said, sometimes that’s what keeps us alive or keeps us fighting. Wanna tell me what you’re scared of now?”

  He was mumbling against my neck. “That it doesn’t work, or that it’ll hurt a lot.”

  “It’ll work,” I said, probably trying to convince myself as much as him. “And it’ll hurt, too, but remember what we’ve said about that?”

  “That it’ll hurt a lot for a while, and then the hurting will stop. I’ll feel almost as other kids do.”

  “Yeah. No more pain than other kids.”

  That’s when Felix sat up and dried his eyes.